Unsure when it right to reach out to an ex [updated]

[dres1979]

I recently separated from my ex of a little over a year (it's been a week now). She initiated the breakup stating that she just had a feeling that she could not see us coming up with the tools necessary or overcoming some of some smaller issues for the long run. Some of the issues she had with me were my cynical carcasm (Im 36, I like to make jokes) and she felt it was hard to approach me when she had something serious to discuss (she is timid in nature and never really tried. I made it a point to reach out to her and still had a hard time getting her to open up). There was also some pressure from her family that I was not of the same class and religion (this I understand is a tough one but I truly believe that love can overcome).

A quick background to our relationship: we never had any fights, or major arguments. Loved spending time together and constantly complemented each other. We traveled quite a bit and to be honest had a great relationship. We loved each other deeply, had trust in one-in-other and were both loyal.

Now that it ended very abruptly (she showed up to my house and initiated the break-up and had a few of my things in a small bag) I'm naturally trying to piece things together. I have not yet initiated any contact (it's only been a week) and have already begun looking into myself and how I can improve for myself based on the little feedback I did receive.

Here is where the kicker comes in. I honestly would rather not be with any other women in the world with this. She has my full admiration, respect, and love. What I'm thinking of is giving it a little more time (maybe another week), initiating some contact to get a feel on things, and attempting to see if things can be mended. The way I see it is you only live once and you should honestly do what your heart wants.

Any feedback or advice here would be appreciated. If you need more info just ask.

[d0nnivain]

If you are going to work things out, you have to talk. Not beg grovel or chase her around like a sniveling dog, but talk about how to address & over come the issues.

 

Unfortunately it does seem to me that she wants to put in the effort to fix what's wrong. You would have tone down the sarcasm but she would also have to grow a spine to be able to talk to you and to address her family's concerns about your religion & caste issues. I don't think she cares to do any of that. Unless she is willing to work, there is nothing you can fix alone.

[angel.eyes]

While this is new to you, she has no doubt been thinking about it for quite some time--for weeks if not months. That's why she had your stuff ready to hand over immediately after the conversation.

 

She's timid, so you may have missed many signs that she wasn't happy and satisfied with things. By your own admission, she found it difficult to discuss things with you because you react with sarcasm and cynicism. You don't "hear" her or take her concerns seriously when she tries to discuss things. Perhaps that's a lesson for your next relationship? At any rate, trying to convince her in a week or two that she's wrong or made a mistake will only reinforce that she's right. You still aren't hearing her and aren't willing to listen and respect her views. All of which proves her point.

 

Let her be. She knows where to find you should she change her mind. Unfortunately, I doubt she will.

[ksol9]

I am in the same situation as you are in. It has been a little over a week since he broke things off. I went into NC immediately and we spoke once via text regarding returning his belongings. Since then, he hasn't reached out to me and I had reached out to him. I love and miss his terribly and I want to reconcile.

 

I think that if your pride is not in the way then you shoud give it a try. What I have learned though, from many on this forum and others, it's best to wait a bit longer. Ones who dump go through their own emotions regarding a break up. Sometimes hey just move on with out a care but I think you'd have to be very cold hearted not to be effected in some way.

 

My ex was very cold hearted. Like you, we didn't have any major issues. He is not seeing someone else. Things just got too much to handle. I don't know if he is waiting for me to initiate contact, but I feel so betrayed that he just gave up on me that I don't feel comfortable contacting him. This was his decision.

 

Give yourself time to process everything. Allow things to settle. Let her anger, resentment, and any negative feelings subside. If what you had was strong, she will begin to miss you. No one knows if she may reach out, but I don't think it would be wrong if you were to contact her at the right time. I believe it's always best to follow your heart.

 

I'm curious to hear what others have to say about this. Good luck to you. I'll be hoping you get your girl back. I know what you are feeling and it's just horrible.

[Randomlyrandomme]

Either the issues with you were too rough on her, or she wasn't that into you.

 

Either way (you can't change your personality) just let her go.

[angel.eyes]

By the way, the fact that you NEVER fought or argued is not a good thing. Every relationship will have some fights and occasional major disagreements. It's how you handle and work through them that determines the relationship's health.

 

Never having a fight or major argument means that at least one person's views are not being heard. Even identical twins fight!

[dres1979]

Funny enough the things that she brought me were not even really mine. It was a mix match of random items. She even accidentally gave me her house key.

[ksol9]

Funny enough the things that she brought me were not even really mine. It was a mix match of random items. She even accidentally gave me her house key.

 

 

This gave me a good laugh. The first thing that came to mind is that she wants you to prove your love for her. I could be wrong. After all, my mind is cloudy from my recent breakup. She probably felt the break up was her only option to break whatever negative cycle the two of you were in. Maybe she just needed you to realize some things. I could be wrong for giving you this hope, but that's what it looks like to me. I still feel it's important to give it some time. Don't rush back to her. Let this all settle in your head and identify the things you need to work out or fix so that when you do approach her, she will see your efforts are genuine.

[SSJROMANCE]

Seems kind of shallow - the reasons for the breakup. I've heard of MUCH WORSE happening in marriages and them working it out and staying together.

 

Something doesn't seem right here. Maybe she was just looking for an excuse to get out all this time? To just show up and say we are done? No warning? She is either crazy or something else is happening that you don't have a clue about. That would be my guess. Take it for what it's worth.

[dres1979]

Regardless of what anyone says I will have a certain degree of hope. Also, I never said I was going to "convince" her that she made a mistake. I'm in no way trying to control this breakup. I do, however, want to approach her in some manner to speak with her and let her know that real effort is occurring to clear my issues for myself and remind her how special she is to me. If she isnt receptive to this then so be it, but at least I attempted to do what felt right in my heart.

 

The unknowns I'm struggling with are when is the right time and what is the right medium to make contact.

[angel.eyes]

Dres, I wish you would be more realistic!

 

Have you heard the phrase "too little, too late?" Why weren't you making these changes during the relationship...BEFORE the breakup?!? Why did it have to take a breakup to get you to pay attention to feedback she had been giving you? Is that really a tenable pattern in any relationship? You downplay and ignore feedback until she breaks up with you? Only then are you willing to listen and make adjustments? That's not a healthy relationship!

 

I am sure there is a long litany of issues, only a few of which she mentioned during the breakup. No dumper with an ounce of compassion is going to kick you while you're down by giving you the full, unvarnished truth! At best you get a small sliver to convey that things are definitively over.

 

Accept that it's over. Learn from your mistakes. Make changes so that you're a better partner in future relationships. Hanging on to hope in a situation like this is futile. It simply makes things more painful for yourself, and delays your ability to heal and move forward in your life.

 

But ultimately, your life, your choices.

[angel.eyes]

The unknowns I'm struggling with are when is the right time [...NEVER!...]and what is the right medium [...NONE!] to make contact.

 

Answers to your two questions in bold.

[dres1979]

Angel Eyes, I wish you would come off as a little less jaded and a little more optimistic.

 

There was no "feedback" until breakup occurred. There were no hints that something needed to be addressed. So hopefully that answers your question as to why these changes didn't occur during the relationship.

[Simon Phoenix]

Angel Eyes, I wish you would come off as a little less jaded and a little more optimistic.

 

There was no "feedback" until breakup occurred. There were no hints that something needed to be addressed. So hopefully that answers your question as to why these changes didn't occur during the relationship.

 

Do you want her to tell you what you want to hear or do you want to tell her what you need to hear? If you want the first, this site isn't for you. That being said, it's up to her to come to you, not you to come to her. Only she can decide if she wants to take you back -- it's not up to you and all you can do is make your chances worse.

 

The best chance you have to proceed from this and get to a better place than where you were is to evaluate and make the desired changes on your own independent of her without any feedback or checking in with her. In your case, learning how to read cues and pick up on other people's behavior might be a good place to start. While I'm sure she was passive, I seriously doubt there weren't signs from her that indicated concern or unhappiness with the situation.

 

Either way, we're not going to tell you that it's sunny outside when it's raining. And there's no step-by-step process to doing it -- you aren't building a desk you bought from IKEA. Right now, the only thing you can do is show that you respect her decision. It's not what you want to hear, but it's what you need to hear.

[thespacey1]

This gave me a good laugh. The first thing that came to mind is that she wants you to prove your love for her.

Yep... I believe this to be true. Plain and simple.

 

Thing is, when you wait too long you'll send the message that you don't care. You both need to just communicate better. She can't play games and you can't keep a good woman if you don't know how to take their feelings seriously, at least sometimes.

 

I'm almost certain though, that she DOES want you to prove you care since you act like you don't care all other times. So I DON'T think you need to wait to let any emotions settle... That's some b.s. when people say that. The only thing that will settle with her is that you REALLY don't care. You should keep hope alive only if you make a move sooner than later. The liver you wake, the sooner she'll get more hurt, upset and inevitably find someone else.

[ksol9]

Yep... I believe this to be true. Plain and simple.

 

Thing is, when you wait too long you'll send the message that you don't care. You both need to just communicate better. She can't play games and you can't keep a good woman if you don't know how to take their feelings seriously, at least sometimes.

 

I'm almost certain though, that she DOES want you to prove you care since you act like you don't care all other times. So I DON'T think you need to wait to let any emotions settle... That's some b.s. when people say that. The only thing that will settle with her is that you REALLY don't care. You should keep hope alive only if you make a move sooner than later. The liver you wake, the sooner she'll get more hurt, upset and inevitably find someone else.

 

I think you've made a good point.

[dres1979]

Yep... I believe this to be true. Plain and simple.

 

Thing is, when you wait too long you'll send the message that you don't care. You both need to just communicate better. She can't play games and you can't keep a good woman if you don't know how to take their feelings seriously, at least sometimes.

 

I'm almost certain though, that she DOES want you to prove you care since you act like you don't care all other times. So I DON'T think you need to wait to let any emotions settle... That's some b.s. when people say that. The only thing that will settle with her is that you REALLY don't care. You should keep hope alive only if you make a move sooner than later. The liver you wake, the sooner she'll get more hurt, upset and inevitably find someone else.

 

I'm having a hard judging what is the proper amount of time. She has been doing little things that seem like she is reaching out (like sending me pics of us to our shared drive with little comments, which was several days ago). The last time we had real contact was 4 days ago, so I don't want to jump the gun, but at the same time, like you said I don't want to give it much time to fester.

 

I do appreciate all the advice on here. I need to hear it all as it is all very helpful.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm having a hard judging what is the proper amount of time. She has been doing little things that seem like she is reaching out (like sending me pics of us to our shared drive with little comments, which was several days ago). The last time we had real contact was 4 days ago, so I don't want to jump the gun, but at the same time, like you said I don't want to give it much time to fester.

 

I do appreciate all the advice on here. I need to hear it all as it is all very helpful.

 

If you've already said that you want to reconcile, there is no timetable -- your move is made and it's up to her. If you haven't, then you might as well give it one more try. But if she says no -- stop pushing and go No Contact.

[dres1979]

If you've already said that you want to reconcile, there is no timetable -- your move is made and it's up to her. If you haven't, then you might as well give it one more try. But if she says no -- stop pushing and go No Contact.

 

I have not reached out to attempt to reconcile at this point.

[ksol9]

I have not reached out to attempt to reconcile at this point.

 

There are a lot of people that will tell you to wait closer to a month. There really is no time table. If there is any anger or resentment from either party, it's best to wait so those issues are naturally sorted out. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. In my opinion, anything over a month would be too long in your case.

 

I'm rooting for you.

[Simon Phoenix]

I have not reached out to attempt to reconcile at this point.

 

I would say do it soon then. Don't try to find the "perfect" time, just say what you need to say but don't beg, whine, grovel, etc. Tell her what you plan to do to fix the issue, then let her have the necessary space to ponder it and make a decision. But whatever that decision is, respect it.

 

I believe in No Contact, but I also believe the dumper should give one good try before going into No Contact.

[dres1979]

I would say do it soon then. Don't try to find the "perfect" time, just say what you need to say but don't beg, whine, grovel, etc. Tell her what you plan to do to fix the issue, then let her have the necessary space to ponder it and make a decision. But whatever that decision is, respect it.

 

I believe in No Contact, but I also believe the dumper should give one good try before going into No Contact.

 

What do you mean by the dumper should give it one good try? In what manner?

[Simon Phoenix]

What do you mean by the dumper should give it one good try? In what manner?

 

I meant the dumpee. I feel like when you're dumped, it's fine to make one last statement asking the dumper to reconsider in the immediate aftermath if they choose. Once that fails (which it almost always does) then the dumpee needs to back off. Since you haven't made that statement but seem hell bent on trying, you should just do it. But once it fails, do not be that groveling, begging, orbiting dumpee. Respect her decision and start the recovery process.

[dres1979]

I meant the dumpee. I feel like when you're dumped, it's fine to make one last statement asking the dumper to reconsider in the immediate aftermath if they choose. Once that fails (which it almost always does) then the dumpee needs to back off. Since you haven't made that statement but seem hell bent on trying, you should just do it. But once it fails, do not be that groveling, begging, orbiting dumpee. Respect her decision and start the recovery process.

 

Any advice on when would be a good time to reach out?

[Simon Phoenix]

Any advice on when would be a good time to reach out?

 

Now? Stop planning and just do it. Say what you need to say and then let her decide on her own time without you meddling. But stop trying to manipulate things to get a certain result. Either she'll be receptive or she won't. There isn't a magic, X+2Y = Z formula out there.

 

Either say what you need to say or just let her be. But if you are going to do the former, stop screwing around and do it.