Food addiction

[fitnessfan365]

Of course she feels that way...You are after her to lose weight, not sure how often it comes up in conversation or who brings it up first but she is taking it to heart and feels she's not good enough for you.

 

 

Then stop giving her advice and stop helping her. Let her come to you if she needs help. You can suggest (ONCE) that she seeks counseling to help her with any possible issues that she may have that's affecting her food habits and weight gain...After that, stay away from the subject of her weight and eating habits. She will do something about it when she feels ready...the more you push the more she will turn to food and ignore your advice, making her resent you more and more.

 

No offense. But it seems like my thread has struck some sort of nerve with you and you're taking it out on me. I don't know if you were over weight in the past and a BF got on you about it, or are currently over weight and are going through pressure, etc.. But it seems like you're throwing out misplaced anger at the wrong person here. If you had bothered to read any of my posts, you'd see that you're 100% wrong in your assumptions.

 

1) I've stressed countless times in the thread how hands off I've been because she has to do it for herself. I'm not pushing her to do anything.

 

2) I've NEVER once told her to drop weight whatsoever. She's had a goal of getting to a size 8-10 before I even met her. Overall I've never once acted like a trainer around her, been like the food police, or put any pressure on her. In fact she tells me constantly how beautiful and sexy I make her feel. All I've ever done is offer support and encouragement when she wants to do a workout together, and I'll offer advice from time to time when she tells me about her own workouts and asks if they could be better. That's it.

 

3) Of course she's bringing up her weight a lot as of late. She just had the horrendous weigh in at the doctor's office so it's obviously on her mind. But this is what motivated her to want to get into the clinic with weekly weigh-ins, get meal plans, and some therapy. I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

 

Is my raw physical sexual attraction decreasing for her? Yes. She's gained 60lbs since I met her almost a year ago and I've never been physically attracted to heavyset women. I miss that feeling I used to have of wanting to tear her clothes off just by looking at her. However, since I am deeply in love with her, I still have very strong emotional sexual reactions. I just want to feel both again.

Edited March 2, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[No_Go]

Thyroid issues is exactly what I'm also suspecting here. I don't think gaining so much weight so fast is a matter of low willpower or bad habits. More like hypofunction of the thyroid gland and / or insulin resistance...

 

This is the sweetest thing I've heard in a very long time. I have faith in love and good people again. She's a lucky lady.

 

This may be a dumb question, but has she had blood tests for thyroid or hormonal imbalances? Or a food allergy test?

 

I think I read once that marijuana is stored in fat cells therefore makes people gain weight. Though I know lots of skinny people who smoke, so who knows.

 

I don't see anything wrong with him trying to support/encourage her goals to lose weight.

[losangelena]

I will also say this is this probably something she's going to struggle with for the rest of her life. I'm glad, FF, that you feel you want to stand by her (admirable), but just know that this is probably not a short-term problem. If she's addicted, there will be lifelong maintenance and the possibility of relapse.

[Emilia]

Surely addiction is addiction whatever it is. Whenever someone talks about alcoholism there is a warning about being an enabler and how they aren't ready for relationships, it's a battle they have to fight on their own, etc. How is this different? She probably couldn't even have kids without endangering her own life. Then what? Teach them to be addicts as well? I don't understand how one very unhealthy behaviour is accepted over others.

[AMJ]

What exactly is a food addiction? Is it just having bad/unhealthy eating habits, or is it when people who are extremely obese and eat double the amount of food that they should be eating? If I'm really depressed, I will dig right into a pint of ice cream. My friend and I can eat half a pan of brownies while drinking wine on our thirsty thursdays...no one needs that much sugar, I know.

 

I saw a endocrinologist because I think I have a thyroid issue, mainly because I have extreme fatigue, but also because no matter how much I diet or exercise, I cannot drop the 20 lbs I gained from taking Effexor two years ago. All of my clothes still fit, but I just want to be back to my old weight. My doctor prescribed metformin to see if I was insulin resistant..I guess that helps a lot of people lose weight. It didn't help me. My doc said that too often people assume weight problems are always about diet and exercise, and that's not always the case. Maybe your girlfriend should see an endocrinologist?

[losangelena]

What exactly is a food addiction? Is it just having bad/unhealthy eating habits, or is it when people who are extremely obese and eat double the amount of food that they should be eating? If I'm really depressed, I will dig right into a pint of ice cream. My friend and I can eat half a pan of brownies while drinking wine on our thirsty thursdays...no one needs that much sugar, I know.

 

I saw a endocrinologist because I think I have a thyroid issue, mainly because I have extreme fatigue, but also because no matter how much I diet or exercise, I cannot drop the 20 lbs I gained from taking Effexor two years ago. All of my clothes still fit, but I just want to be back to my old weight. My doctor prescribed metformin to see if I was insulin resistant..I guess that helps a lot of people lose weight. It didn't help me. My doc said that too often people assume weight problems are always about diet and exercise, and that's not always the case. Maybe your girlfriend should see an endocrinologist?

 

I see food addiction as a set of unhealthy behaviors and attitudes about food. It's about food having an improper place of importance in one's life, whether it's a preoccupation with food, or relying on food for emotional escape. This is a good primer: Am I a Food Addict?

 

Almost everyone overindulges on occasion. It's more complicated than a night of brownies and wine. It's also more complicated than just straight obesity; anorexics can be food addicts as well, since unhealthy eating behaviors can include starvation or fasting or extreme control.

 

FF's GF's problem may be endocrinologically-based, or it could be emotional, or both. I personally would not take something like metformin unless I had full-blown diabetes.

[deep_night]

as a boyfriend maybe you can help her by not eating junk food together, not bringing her junk food, etc. so, maybe you can arrange your cheat meal for when you're alone? :3 [edit: sorry, just read more carefully that u already do that]

 

i understand your gf, i've never had addictions of any kind, but food is my weakness. im a healthy weight because i eat well most of the time and i workout. but when im very stressed or lonely it's my way to cope :/ stupid way if you ask me, and it doesnt really help. its not even junk food most of the time, it's usually homemade stuff, but LOTS of it.

 

because i've been so frustrated with my fixation over food im thinking of starting a fast. mostly for my spirit and less for my body. not a fast where i won't eat anything, but something similar to lenten fasting where i wont eat meat, dairy, eggs and fish for 50 days. eating oil only in weekends. seafood like prawns allowed. sometimes i feel guilty, eating so much while other people hardly have any food.

Edited March 3, 2016 by deep_night

[fitnessfan365]

as a boyfriend maybe you can help her by not eating junk food together, not bringing her junk food, etc. so, maybe you can arrange your cheat meal for when you're alone? :3 [edit: sorry, just read more carefully that u already do that].

 

I am definitely going to start doing that from now on.

 

Now I do want to stress it was always in moderation. A few examples - splitting a small or medium pizza (3-5 slices a piece), splitting a pint of ice cream (350-400 cals a piece), getting a burger but splitting a small order of fries and splitting a small milk shake (8 oz a piece), etc.. Now going in my intentions were good in trying to show that I wasn't trying to be a personal trainer with her, and who she was is enough. But without even realizing it, this over compensation with junk food was actually me enabling her which lead to bad eating choices for her during the week.

 

Honestly though I didn't realize that it was that bad. I mean she was always behind the moderation with junk food when we'd have it, and when we'd have dinner on a weeknight, it was always healthy prepared by her. That combined with how much exercise she is getting, I was stumped as to why she was gaining so much weight. But after the bad weigh in when she broke down in front of me, she finally admitted that most weeknights minus our healthy dinner were spent binge eating on crap because of cravings carrying over from our weekends. So now to be more supportive, I am re-working my own routine and planning healthy food for weekends.

Edited March 3, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[seekingpeaceinlove]

You are a GREAT loving boyfriend and your girl is really lucky to have you. Your gf's story mirrors my own. We both gained weight in short amount of time, had bad relationship with mother and a tough childhood. My bf also has not said anything about my weight but I can tell he doesn't desire me quite the same as before.

 

You are doing exactly what a loving partner should do...which is to support your gf and help her suceed in getting healthy...not pushing or making her feel like she has to do it for the sake of your relationship.

 

I know my bf is thinking the exact same way as you do in regards to the sexual attraction. We still have a good sex life but the raw desire that I used to see from him is not quite there anymore. Also, I'm feeling so self conscious when we get intimate that it's affecting my own desire and peformance.

 

Your thread is helping me understand my man's POV. He has not said a word to me about my weight and have cooked healthy meals for us and subtly suggested working out together. I want to be healthy and fit for me..but I also very much want my bf to lust after me the way he did when I was taking care of myself better.

 

Thanks! You actually helped switch the motivation on in me...and good luck to you and your gf. I think you're going about this all in the best way possible.

 

 

I am definitely going to start doing that from now on.

 

Now I do want to stress it was always in moderation. A few examples - splitting a small or medium pizza (3-5 slices a piece), splitting a pint of ice cream (350-400 cals a piece), getting a burger but splitting a small order of fries and splitting a small milk shake (8 oz a piece), etc.. Now going in my intentions were good in trying to show that I wasn't trying to be a personal trainer with her, and who she was is enough. But without even realizing it, this over compensation with junk food was actually me enabling her which lead to bad eating choices for her during the week.

 

Honestly though I didn't realize that it was that bad. I mean she was always behind the moderation with junk food when we'd have it, and when we'd have dinner on a weeknight, it was always healthy prepared by her. That combined with how much exercise she is getting, I was stumped as to why she was gaining so much weight. But after the bad weigh in when she broke down in front of me, she finally admitted that most weeknights minus our healthy dinner were spent binge eating on crap because of cravings carrying over from our weekends. So now to be more supportive, I am re-working my own routine and planning healthy food for weekends.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Also, quitting weed will defintely help with the weight loss.

[fitnessfan365]

You are a GREAT loving boyfriend and your girl is really lucky to have you. Your gf's story mirrors my own. We both gained weight in short amount of time, had bad relationship with mother and a tough childhood. My bf also has not said anything about my weight but I can tell he doesn't desire me quite the same as before.

 

You are doing exactly what a loving partner should do...which is to support your gf and help her suceed in getting healthy...not pushing or making her feel like she has to do it for the sake of your relationship.

 

I know my bf is thinking the exact same way as you do in regards to the sexual attraction. We still have a good sex life but the raw desire that I used to see from him is not quite there anymore. Also, I'm feeling so self conscious when we get intimate that it's affecting my own desire and peformance.

 

Your thread is helping me understand my man's POV. He has not said a word to me about my weight and have cooked healthy meals for us and subtly suggested working out together. I want to be healthy and fit for me..but I also very much want my bf to lust after me the way he did when I was taking care of myself better.

 

Thanks! You actually helped switch the motivation on in me...and good luck to you and your gf. I think you're going about this all in the best way possible.

 

Thank you! I enjoyed reading your post and it's good to know that you can relate as well.

 

I've actually always been attracted to genuinely curvy women that were carrying an extra 20-30lbs of healthy weight in the hips, ass, and breasts. So that's why my GF was like a stone fox to me when I first met her. However, I've never been attracted to women physically that were heavyset either. That's why it's kind of a surreal experience for me. I've been with her for almost a year now and am deeply in love with her. So I want her based purely on emotions. However, that passion I used to have when I'd take her against a wall, rip her panties off, etc is just not there for me right now.

 

But since I feel that both emotion and passion are what make a well rounded rewarding relationship, I want to have both in my life again. However, my main priority since I love her is to do what I can to be supportive so she ultimately wants it for herself. I think my GF is finally starting to get to that point. I mean she even called me from the grocery store asking for advice and talking about calorie break down. That's the first time in nearly a year she's ever wanted my advice on nutrition.

Edited March 4, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[BC1980]

It's difficult to approach your GF because it's a sensitive subject. People who are addicts often don't like to open up about the addiction. They usually try to hide it. I say all of this as someone who recently came to the realization that I am a food and dieting addict. In the past 20 years, I've been nearly anorexic, overweight, and everything in between. My ex was actually the first person who suggested that I might have an addiction, and I was so pissed off at him. But he was right.

 

A lot of this is also difficult because food addiction is just now being seen as something real. In my experience, eating disorders don't generally garner a great deal of sympathy or understanding. Heck, addiction, in general, doesn't garner much sympathy. I'm not saying your GF has an addiction, but some of her behaviors are red flags. Her mission to live with her addiction will be HER battle. You can support her, but she will fight it mostly alone. You will probably never understand the pure hell she is going through.

 

If she is open to it, a book that helped me was "Shades of Hope" by Tennie McCarthy. She is a food addict and runs a rehab for people with eating disorders. Beware, most people get real upset when you start using the word addiction. It took me nearly 20 years to admit that I had this issue. I'm still embarrassed by it to be honest. It's probably the root cause of my emotional unavailability at this point. I'm trying to work on that.

[BC1980]

But since I feel that both emotion and passion are what make a well rounded rewarding relationship, I want to have both in my life again. However, my main priority since I love her is to do what I can to be supportive so she ultimately wants it for herself. I think my GF is finally starting to get to that point. I mean she even called me from the grocery store asking for advice and talking about calorie break down. That's the first time in nearly a year she's ever wanted my advice on nutrition.

 

I know you don't want to hear this and won't understand it, but it's generally not a good thing for someone with food addiction to be super into calories and calorie breakdown. It feeds the addiction. She needs a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, and she needs to be on a meal plan that removes as much of the emotional aspect out of food as possible. She can also go to OA meetings and get a sponsor to help her out. Dieting, clean eating, exercising, calorie counting. . . . there is nothing wrong with any of that, but they often become part of a cycle and a bandaid for a food/dieting addict.

[losangelena]

I know you don't want to hear this and won't understand it, but it's generally not a good thing for someone with food addiction to be super into calories and calorie breakdown. It feeds the addiction. She needs a therapist that specializes in eating disorders, and she needs to be on a meal plan that removes as much of the emotional aspect out of food as possible. She can also go to OA meetings and get a sponsor to help her out. Dieting, clean eating, exercising, calorie counting. . . . there is nothing wrong with any of that, but they often become part of a cycle and a bandaid for a food/dieting addict.

 

Yes, yes, yes to all of this. I think this is part of the reason why I'm actually really good at losing weight when I put my mind to it, because it's all about control, right? Controlling calories, in and out, when a food addiction is ALL about control.

 

Letting go should be the focus. Surrender should be the focus. I really do admire FF's GF's zeal, but in my experience, that's not what allows one to truly step out of their addiction. It is just another way to stay addicted.

[BC1980]

Yes, yes, yes to all of this. I think this is part of the reason why I'm actually really good at losing weight when I put my mind to it, because it's all about control, right? Controlling calories, in and out, when a food addiction is ALL about control.

 

Letting go should be the focus. Surrender should be the focus. I really do admire FF's GF's zeal, but in my experience, that's not what allows one to truly step out of their addiction. It is just another way to stay addicted.

 

It took me a long time to understand this. Most programs will talk about portion size instead of calories, and you are supposed to eat certain amounts of fats, carbs, and proteins. They emphasize cutting out refined sugar completely because it is thought to be addictive. They usually emphasize finding other coping mechanisms besides food. They really try to take the emphasis off of food completely and put the emphasis on other things that can be fulfilling.

 

As far as the OP is concerned, it's wonderful that he wants to be helpful, but I'm not sure how much help he can realistically offer her. He needs to be careful not to fall into the role of "fixer" or caretaker to someone suffering from a serious problem. It would be like me trying to help a meth addict. I'd be completely lost. The best thing for the OP is to try to cheer her on from the sidelines. That means a lot. But she can hopefully derive the most strength from talking to people who understand her. Addiction can be isolating in the extreme, and you can become very detached from relationships.

[fitnessfan365]

Well as I said, it's the first time in nearly a year I've ever heard her talk about counting calories, meal breakdown, etc.. The fact that she's finally actually tying to make an effort says something. I mean coming at it from a trainer's mindset, it seems like an awesome accomplishment. But as people here are saying, I don't get the mindset of a food addict. So only time will tell if it actually makes things worse.

 

I will admit though, I'll miss trying new fun places to eat every weekend with my GF. I mean sure, I can do a cheat day on my own. But you don't go to sit down restaurants by yourself. When I was single and always casually dating, my cheat meals would be run of the mill stuff you stop in and pick up. So now finally having someone to do sit down dining with was fun. Staying in for a night of chicken, mashed cauliflower, and green beans doesn't have the same flair. Haha

 

But for the woman I love, it's a an easy sacrifice.

Edited March 5, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[BC1980]

I really think it is great that you want to stick by her side and support her.