Who should pay for flight?

[amaysngrace]

I am. And when I asked him what his intentions are with me, whether he wants to court me or **** me, his response was both.

 

Then you don't care about chilvary. That was a pretty lame excuse not to pay your own way.

[basil67]

i can, but call me old fashioned, i feel as if he wants me there badly enough, he should pay. especially if he is trying to stand out of the crowd of men trying to woo me. selfish?

 

You're anything BUT old fashioned. Old fashioned girls date guys one at a time. They don't judge a guy by how much he pays - they judge him by how nice a person he is. Old fashioned girls don't jump into bed with a guy who they don't know.

 

You say you want chivalry. Now, chivalry is good manners and respect. Chivalry isn't about spending a heap of money on a girl who's also dating a crowd of other men.

 

Now, you can date as many guys as you want. You can get them all to pay for you. And you can sleep with them. But don't use 'old fashioned' as the reason you want him to pay for you.

Edited February 29, 2016 by basil67

[Lady2163]

i suppose my real issue is not the money but the fact that he just expected me to cover it without offering. With my friends that i have spoken to that have started off in long distance relationships, the man has always either paid for the flight or at least offered and if they hit if off, the girl buys the next round and so on. I wouldnt expect him to pay for every single thing while out there either but if he is trying to court me, i want to be courted. maybe its because im from the south and expect chivalry. should i not? is chivalry dead?

 

And I have some Southern roots as well. What you're doing is trying to impose old fashioned values only when it is convenient for you. Does you're Dad have your dowry ready?

He's issued an invitation that you're welcome. He's willing to host. Not to go all Miss Manners on you, but he's done his share. If you don't like that idea, then invite him to your place instead.

[ehmmerz]

I appreciate the constructive criticism and advice. Thanks y'all. My questions have been answered

[Randomlyrandomme]

Why is he stingy for not wanting to pay for her flight?

It's rude and presumptuous to judge him on that and assume to know what should be done with HIS money.

 

And expecting him to pick it up based on genital type is sexist. Coffee? Yes. Dinner and a movie? Fine. Flying you cross country? A little outlandish for a first date.

 

That being said, he should have offered halvsies from the beginning. Since this is more about shipping either one of you to see the other?

 

 

Why didn't you invite him to your place?

[Lois_Griffin]

I am. And when I asked him what his intentions are with me, whether he wants to court me or **** me, his response was both.

Good lord, why are you wasting your time with this mouth-breather?

[Lois_Griffin]

He's willing to host. Not to go all Miss Manners on you, but he's done his share. If you don't like that idea, then invite him to your place instead.

Big deal. It's not like his rent or mortgage will go up for the few days she's there. And the $100 extra in groceries won't break him. He's basically looking for someone to come stay with him so he can also have sex with her - he told her that.

 

I wouldn't waste my time with this assclown.

[Els]

If the two of you can't figure out this first hurdle without fighting, the relationship is doomed before it even starts.

 

Pretty much this. LDRs (genuine ones, anyway) are an investment with a person whom you truly believe there might be a future with. If you are starting off on such a bad foot already, why even bother taking this further and making the sacrifices that a LDR entails?

[LittleTiger]

If the two of you can't figure out this first hurdle without fighting, the relationship is doomed before it even starts.

 

You've hit the nail on the head basil67!

 

ehmmerz, there are many, many hurdles you will need to overcome if you're going to have a successful relationship with this guy, long distance or not. Regardless of who is right or wrong here (which depends on your view of romantic relationship dynamics), if you're arguing about who should pay for what before you've even met, it's a non-starter!

[justwhoiam]

I met a guy that lives in another state. We hit it off

You mean virtually? Or in person?

 

he invited me to visit him. He looked up flights for me and found one and then said I should buy it.

Hmm, it seems to me that his mind's running fast. He can hardly keep his hormones in check. He figured everything out by himself, without even asking you first. Unless you made it blatant that you would have loved to be there with him.

If that was not the case, then prompting you to buy a ticket to fly to him would make him look like a total idiot.

 

when I told him I thought he should get the flight, he called me selfish for even asking.

So he was entitled to ask you to buy a ticket to go see him, but you're not? I guess I wouldn't be able to lower myself to his apparent standards, but still, it's not clear:

Is this your first meeting/date? Have you ever met this guy before? Because, if you never met this man before, under these circumstances, in no way I would bother buying a plane ticket for him to get some.

Also, he could be a stalker/rapist/serial killer whatever. If that were the case, of course he would not want his name/credit card etc linked to your plane ticket.

 

So im thinking he just doesnt really want me there that badly.

He probably does. But I guess the average Joe wouldn't go that far (aka out of his way) just for sex. Heck, many men don't go out of their way at all, no matter what.

 

Am i out of line for thinking he should take care of the flight if he is the one inviting me?

Maybe. As I don't know the whole thing about it, I can't tell. You should answer my previous questions, before I can form an opinion on your situation.

 

he should pay. especially if he is trying to stand out of the crowd of men trying to woo me. selfish?

Again, I don't know enough about you and this man. Does he know you have a line of men waiting for you out the door? (metaphorically speaking). If he does know, then he's just a fool to think you should go out of your way for a man you don't even know. And what did he bring to the table? Because one would expect he at least offered something mind-blowing...

But most of all: why did he completely rule out the option of him coming to you?

 

i suppose my real issue is not the money but the fact that he just expected me to cover it without offering.

Plausible.

 

if he is trying to court me, i want to be courted. maybe its because im from the south and expect chivalry. should i not? is chivalry dead?

OK. I think nothing's wrong with that in itself. I am a big supporter of the courting process. But I don't know the tone of your conversations with this man. If you want to be courted, you don't get into his bed right away. It goes without saying. However, it looks like sex is in the picture for your first date. At least in his mind. I'm not a man, so maybe that applies to most men (it's always on their mind, let's call it hope), but I do wonder: the moment he made that obvious, what was your reaction? An old-fashioned girl would make it clear right away that she won't have sex right away, and she needs to spend time with the other person for an indefinite number of dates...... and with that alone, you'd probably be able to get rid of over a half of the men running after you.

[Liam1]

I met a guy that lives in another state. We hit it off and he invited me to visit him. He looked up flights for me and found one and then said I should buy it. I feel like if he is inviting me/wants me to be there enough then he should buy the flight. He has a stable job so I know income isnt the issue, but when I told him I thought he should get the flight, he called me selfish for even asking. So im thinking he just doesnt really want me there that badly. Am i out of line for thinking he should take care of the flight if he is the one inviting me?

 

He invited you to visit him.

 

You are in the early dating phase. He should pay for the airline ticket.

 

After that, he should fly out to visit you, so you don't have to fork over so much money just to date him.

 

Once the relationship is exclusive, and you two are flying back and forth and taking turns staying at each others place, each should pay their own air fare.

 

If I were you, I would decline to visit this guy. He sounds like a cheapskate.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

These two could solve all of these immediate concerns by meeting in a neutral locale.

 

Each would be similarly invested, and the focus would be on any semblance of "them", to be had.

[Tayla]

Good suggestion SincereGuy!

 

If at 18 and over, pay your way thru life...

 

If offered kindness, accept it.

 

If expecting things... its because you've earned it... a degree, respect or a paycheck. A paid flight is not earned... ergo, not expected to be paid. See note on kindness.

[LittleTiger]

These two could solve all of these immediate concerns by meeting in a neutral locale.

 

Each would be similarly invested, and the focus would be on any semblance of "them", to be had.

 

The immediate concern here is that each of them thinks the other is being selfish. That's not going to be solved by meeting in a neutral location. Meeting at all is a pointless waste of time and money...on both sides.

[Els]

The immediate concern here is that each of them thinks the other is being selfish. That's not going to be solved by meeting in a neutral location. Meeting at all is a pointless waste of time and money...on both sides.

 

Right. We're not exactly talking about people with a 1-2hr drive in between them where it might be worth one meeting to see if things truly are as bad as they seem, we're talking air tickets. And we're not talking about people who really like each other and are trying to make this work, we're talking people who are calling each other selfish before they've even met.

 

This "R" sounds like a lot of work for 0 gain.

[William]

Folks, this new member hasn't been around for nearly a week so I wouldn't expect any responses from them but feel free to discuss travel expense allocation in LDR's in a more general sense as you desire. Thanks!

[SSJROMANCE]

What a nice arrangement this guy made. He invited you to come all the way out where he lives where he is probably going to want to have sex with you the entire time you are there. Sound reasonable? Then what? He texts you two weeks later and says it's not going to work out?

 

You didn't mention how long you two have been talking and getting to know each other. So maybe you two are jumping the gun? Long distance relationships are hard so unless this is a FWB sort of thing keep your hopes down.

 

Before I met my wife she had several long distance relationships. None of them lasted for long. All used her - some she found out they were already dating someone - quite possible they ALL were dating someone else. So you don't even know him really. You don't know if you can trust him. Tread carefully.

 

Oh - and pay for your own flight (for now)...

[TeddyBeer]

Okay to me, this is a crazy question. If you are going to visit there, you will pay for your ticket. If you do not wish to pay for a ticket, you make him visit you. Remember once you get there, he will cover all costs (I assume). I would never, ever expect anyone to pay for a ticket when I am going on the flight(/train/whatever).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It really isn't a well-thought-out move to be the visitor... as you have exposed yourself to the chance that the home party will take one look/smell and easily retreat into his/her tall grass leaving you, the visitor, high and dry in a strange-ish city.

 

Meeting in a neutral locale affords lots of extra freedom, in that neither needs to invite the awkwardness which can be had when "real life" friends are anywhere around (gasp!) someone they met online.

 

 

Second, both parties are in what is presumably/ideally an interesting city... and the main focus is on this other interest, where you can continue to maintain the raw form of yourself in order to present THAT to the other person.

 

You can each be yourselves with nothing in the environment pressuring you to be (anything you've not yet disclosed online).

 

 

The first time I ever did such a (neutral meeting) I was awash on the flight with the odd feeling that was "wow, this person is really expecting 'me'!", and it was so comforting and relaxing.

 

 

(of course I had to set that up for myself by not lying about anything beforehand)

 

She'd never been to the neutral locale either, so that was another bonus.

 

 

I picked the place, and then spent such a long while envisioning the experience, and it was pretty darn near to that in real life. So much went so right...

[Els]

Okay to me, this is a crazy question. If you are going to visit there, you will pay for your ticket. If you do not wish to pay for a ticket, you make him visit you. Remember once you get there, he will cover all costs (I assume). I would never, ever expect anyone to pay for a ticket when I am going on the flight(/train/whatever).

 

Putting aside the obvious fact that people in happy Rs don't nickle-and-dime like that, and just considering the theoretical logistics...

 

The costs of a flight ticket + flight time + annual leave is not anywhere NEAR the costs of the person hosting, unless the person hosting is expected to pay for a hotel for you or take you to fine dining every day. And that is just considering monetary costs, not counting the time and inconvenience of traveling, and the annual leave you take. The costs might even out if the visit is longer than a week and the visitor does not need to apply for leave, but that in itself is not a good idea for a couple that has never met before.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Elswyth

[TeddyBeer]

Putting aside the obvious fact that people in happy Rs don't nickle-and-dime like that, and just considering the theoretical logistics...

 

The costs of a flight ticket + flight time + annual leave is not anywhere NEAR the costs of the person hosting, unless the person hosting is expected to pay for a hotel for you or take you to fine dining every day. And that is just considering monetary costs, not counting the time and inconvenience of traveling, and the annual leave you take. The costs might even out if the visit is longer than a week and the visitor does not need to apply for leave, but that in itself is not a good idea for a couple that has never met before.

 

I am actually in a long distance relationship (+3 years IRL), I know the costs. I assume it will be for more than two weeks when they live far apart. I need to travel far (6000 miles) and my boyfriend most definitely pays more for my cost of living than I do for my flight. Cost of living and transport are easily underestimated. Anyhow, the first time I went to visit him I assumed all the costs would be mine, because neither of us would know how it would work out and I decided to take the step to go and see him. It is a risk you are taking, but when you have been talking long time (over a year in my situation) and have a true connection, it is a small risk and worth to take. It is just money to potentially buy a life time of happiness. And you can save money so easily! Just don't live as a fancy ass b-word and you will have money!

[Shining One]

Putting aside the obvious fact that people in happy Rs don't nickle-and-dime like that, and just considering the theoretical logistics...

 

The costs of a flight ticket + flight time + annual leave is not anywhere NEAR the costs of the person hosting, unless the person hosting is expected to pay for a hotel for you or take you to fine dining every day. And that is just considering monetary costs, not counting the time and inconvenience of traveling, and the annual leave you take. The costs might even out if the visit is longer than a week and the visitor does not need to apply for leave, but that in itself is not a good idea for a couple that has never met before.

My arrangements were usually one week at a time. We both took time off and specifically chose dates with cheaper flights (nowhere near the holidays). I honestly don't know what she paid for flights or when she hosted me, but my hosting costs were always higher than my flight costs.

[venusishername]

I met my boyfriend almost 6 months ago, who I also met in another city, where he lives. I'm in CA, he's in New Orleans.

About 6 weeks after we had met and had been talking daily, he bought his own plane ticket to see me, bought a night in a hotel for us so we could have our 'first time', and I hosted him the remaining days. Neither one of us has lots of money to spend freely, and I know the cost of that flight was hundreds of dollars. By hosting, I mean letting him sleep at my house and cooking a meal here and there.

The next time, he came out again, on his own volition. Neither one of us has ever ASKED each other to come visit. We just do it. He also paid for us to stay at a great place through Airbnb. I contributed by providing my car and gas to drive around Los Angeles over the holidays.

After that, I decided to pay for my own ticket to go see him, because he had already been here twice and I wanted to go back to New Orleans. While I was there, he covered all the costs, including hosting me. I bought him a coffee occasionally and helped him out with a couple dollars for gas.

 

 

This NEXT visit, coming up in a few weeks... was the first time we pooled our money for the flight. He didn't ASK me to come, I have a standing invitation anyway (he's trying to convince me to move in with him, but I won't)... but we both decided we wanted to see each other in April, and money's tight, and I just spent a huge chunk of change to fly over there... so he told me to go ahead and book my ticket before the prices went up (which they have), he sent me some money to pay for it. Not all of it, but most of it.

 

 

I think in your situation, he was rude for asking you to come visit and assuming you would pay for it. You should absolutely not go, unless he's paying for you to come out there, or at least contributing to the cost of your flight. You are NOT selfish for thinking that. You already know that he should be trying to win you over. Men who want to win you over do what my guy did. For your first 'visit' after meeting, he should be coming to you.

My guy did that. He came to me TWICE before I considered going to him. And this time, since he wanted me to come back, he contributed to the cost of my flight. While I'm there, he'll be spoiling me too. That's what gentleman do.

I hope you don't buy a plane ticket to him for your first visit. That comes across too easy. If you want to really know if he's into you, tell him you can't afford it right now, but it would be great if he could visit you.

Good luck.

[kikik]

I met a guy that lives in another state. We hit it off and he invited me to visit him. He looked up flights for me and found one and then said I should buy it. I feel like if he is inviting me/wants me to be there enough then he should buy the flight. He has a stable job so I know income isnt the issue, but when I told him I thought he should get the flight, he called me selfish for even asking. So im thinking he just doesnt really want me there that badly. Am i out of line for thinking he should take care of the flight if he is the one inviting me?

 

I think if both want to see each other in a LDR but have to financially invest in it due to logistics, it should be a fair share, unless one makes more money than the other, then they should be gentleman/-woman enough to pay the larger fare or all of the fare.

I have to say, the way he reacted would be a huge red flag to me. Not because he "might not be into you" as much as you first thought, but because he seems very macho, hostile, and a bit manipulative.... calling you selfish for asking? Not a great premise, if you ask me.

I would not want to date someone like this...