So so so hurt.. Should I tell his wife about all this?

[strongertoday]

Started dating this fabulous guy who had been separated for 4 months (she left him). He is a shift worker so occasionally his ex would sleep over if he worked to mind their son (as she didnt have her own place yet). We dated for 3 months like this and everything was going well.. He moved shifts to see me, organised her to have the son so we could go to concerts, he spent nights with me. Phone calls and texts all hours of the day and night. Just awesome.

 

Then just before Christmas I noticed the night time calls stopped and texts slowed to virtually nothing. I pulled him up on it at Christmas and he broke down and cried and said she had just moved back in. He had worked 3 nights so she had stayed over.. then when he woke the next day she was just there cooking dinner.. and then she just was back. Being so close to Christmas, and their son being happy, he just didnt know what to say or do.

 

She has waltzed back in like nothing has happened. Still the same issues that caused the break up and she wont discuss anything with him. He feels he owes her for giving him a child. He is not sleeping in the same bed as her and he says he is not having sex with her. He hasn't lied to me in the past (even at times told me things he knew might upset me, but he wanted me to know the truth).

 

He admits he is too soft and avoids emotional confrontation. He says he feels duty to her.. but is in love with me.

 

I want to give him time to work out the best way to handle her and hurt her in the least possible way. But I also feel he has a fair bit of avoidance happening and he has the best of both worlds as it sits.. even if it is trashing his mental health.

 

He has been researching mortgages and we have discussed how custody and such work. He is worried about logistics. He just doesnt want to hurt her or me and I think he is just hoping she will jump. He pays all the bills in the house, including her car, so financially she is quite content to just sit there and let him take care of her.

 

Can anyone give me some advice? I really dont want to lose this man but I also dont want to just sit here and hope the Ex decides to move out again!!

[LydiaLong]

Clearly he's not over her. I'd end it and find someone who is available emotionally.

[whatatangledweb]

Sounds like he just wants to wait her out and that may never come. He can move out or get divorced and hope he gets the house. There is not a way to make her leave.

[sandylee1]

My advice...tell him you need space until he sorts it out. During that time you should not have contact. You can put a time limit on it for yourself and for him...if he really loves you ...he'll sort it.

 

I don't get why he didn't tell her he was seeing someone and she can't move back in. The fact that he just pulled back would concern me.

 

Think about this..do you want a man who is weak like this? He prefers to say soft......but it's weak and spineless. If she gets in his bed...do you honestly think he'd refuse to have sex with her? Has he told her about you? Or just thought you'd disappear if he never called again.

 

Save yourself the heartache and end it. The ex will keep popping up because of the child and he will let her do it forever...is that okay with you?

 

You either speak to him or walk from him.

[whichwayisup]

Don't try to compete. He obviously still has feelings for her and has a child with her, they are a family. He isn't 'done' with their relationship.

 

Sorry that you're hurting, better to know now than a year or two down the road. 4 months isn't that long and even if he does love you what he has with his gf/mother of his child is strong, enough for him to go back.

 

Take care of you and go NC with him. He made his decision and because of that he loses you. NO friendship, NO contact.

[lemondrop21]

Try to imagine that you've never met this man and a close friend got involved with him, and is now telling you this story. What would you say to her? What would you think about him and his actions (or lack of action)?

 

Probably that he's a bit sad and a bit of a coward.

[Rocci di Persia]

Reading this actually painfully reminds me of what happened to me. My advice is move on. This man is not worth it. I wasted two years of my life in a similar situation (ex went back to ex-fiancee because he felt a 'duty' towards her and they owned a house together that she would not settle or move out of). It's still hard for me to this day but I think I'm better off and you should be too. We both deserve men who are not so spineless or weak.

[Darren Steez]

He admits he is too soft and avoids emotional confrontation

 

This woman is going to be in his life forever, and this is what he does? It's not even about that though, look how he handles relationships, you want strength and most of all sharing of emotions, thoughts, decisions, he just sort of cut and ran.

 

He's a NiceGuy, he's a problem. Also if you think a man who just lets his ex waltz back into his life so easily then has the guts to turn her down for sex.. yeah not buying it.

[strongertoday]

UPDATE...

 

After weeks of fighting he sat her down one night and said he isnt happy and its over.. she said that she was fine with that.. 4 hours crying.. some decisions made.

 

We had planned the next day together so he said lets go and I will introduce you to my best friend. So we went and met his friend... stayed the night.. Talked about where we should live, schools for children, short term and long term plans. He talked to his friend and she liked me and said he hasnt smiled like this in years. Drive home the next day and he goes back to the home as he had to take care of the son.

 

He walks in to a spotlessly clean house and a woman who has now decided to try. After weeks of asking her to change, NOW, after he has decided she is trying.. and the stupid man is believing she will change.

 

He is asking me to wait a week.. but I am sure she will try for at least a week. His best friend wants to strangle him as she knows it will all fall apart again soon.

 

I had accepted the waiting.. but after being so close I am a freaking mess

[sandylee1]

Get yourself out of it and save the heartache. As they have kids together.. they'll really want to give it a go. ..they are a family unit.

Step aside and leave them to it. Even if he leaves her now... they could still get back together and you'll be more invested. Kids connect a couple and they are a huge reason couples keep trying to make it work.

[dreamingoftigers]

UPDATE...

 

After weeks of fighting he sat her down one night and said he isnt happy and its over.. she said that she was fine with that.. 4 hours crying.. some decisions made.

 

We had planned the next day together so he said lets go and I will introduce you to my best friend. So we went and met his friend... stayed the night.. Talked about where we should live, schools for children, short term and long term plans. He talked to his friend and she liked me and said he hasnt smiled like this in years. Drive home the next day and he goes back to the home as he had to take care of the son.

 

He walks in to a spotlessly clean house and a woman who has now decided to try. After weeks of asking her to change, NOW, after he has decided she is trying.. and the stupid man is believing she will change.

 

He is asking me to wait a week.. but I am sure she will try for at least a week. His best friend wants to strangle him as she knows it will all fall apart again soon.

 

I had accepted the waiting.. but after being so close I am a freaking mess

 

Nope nope nope.

 

So much no here.

 

A relationship of less than a year where he's LIVING with her and they are "trying" and you get to "wait?"

 

You've got to be kidding.

 

Why are you putting up with this?

And don't tell me he's "such a great guy."

 

He's a guy who isn't committed to you and has you back burnered.

 

Don't accept that crap.

[ls7878]

UPDATE...

 

After weeks of fighting he sat her down one night and said he isnt happy and its over.. she said that she was fine with that.. 4 hours crying.. some decisions made.

 

We had planned the next day together so he said lets go and I will introduce you to my best friend. So we went and met his friend... stayed the night.. Talked about where we should live, schools for children, short term and long term plans. He talked to his friend and she liked me and said he hasnt smiled like this in years. Drive home the next day and he goes back to the home as he had to take care of the son.

 

He walks in to a spotlessly clean house and a woman who has now decided to try. After weeks of asking her to change, NOW, after he has decided she is trying.. and the stupid man is believing she will change.

 

He is asking me to wait a week.. but I am sure she will try for at least a week. His best friend wants to strangle him as she knows it will all fall apart again soon.

 

I had accepted the waiting.. but after being so close I am a freaking mess

 

Your story touched my heart. I have met a guy as weak as your bf (I am sorry, maybe you do not agree that he is weak). I feel some man they just cannot deal with the situation like this well especially his ex wants him back and they have a son...she will always involve with him and seek opportunity to get him back...even in future you guys get married, and because of his son, she will be still in your relationships. It will be always a 3 adults' story...

If you are lucky, she find a new guy to stick with...but how about one day she suddenly have feeling for him again and come back again...

 

I am not saying do not date a man who has child, I am saying no matter how nice, how wonderful this guy is, he has problem to deal with his ex even though he does not has feelings for her and it will bring lots of pain to you, even when you and him are in a marriage...then do you still want to be with him? Have this wonderful guy in your life but also with so much pain from his ex and each time she show up, he will not have any good or fair solution...it is endless pain...I think...and it will be not easy...

[Lois_Griffin]

And THIS is why you don't date separated men.

 

Separated = unfinished business.

 

When you couple that with a passive coward who isn't being truthful with you, it's even MORE of a dead end.

 

You'll see.

[whichwayisup]

UPDATE...

 

After weeks of fighting he sat her down one night and said he isnt happy and its over.. she said that she was fine with that.. 4 hours crying.. some decisions made.

 

We had planned the next day together so he said lets go and I will introduce you to my best friend. So we went and met his friend... stayed the night.. Talked about where we should live, schools for children, short term and long term plans. He talked to his friend and she liked me and said he hasnt smiled like this in years. Drive home the next day and he goes back to the home as he had to take care of the son.

 

He walks in to a spotlessly clean house and a woman who has now decided to try. After weeks of asking her to change, NOW, after he has decided she is trying.. and the stupid man is believing she will change.

 

He is asking me to wait a week.. but I am sure she will try for at least a week. His best friend wants to strangle him as she knows it will all fall apart again soon.

 

I had accepted the waiting.. but after being so close I am a freaking mess

 

Walk away from him and cut him out of your life. He's not done with her, far from it. He still loves her, enough to want to give her a chance.

Started dating this fabulous guy who had been separated for 4 months (she left him). He is a shift worker so occasionally his ex would sleep over if he worked to mind their son (as she didnt have her own place yet). We dated for 3 months like this and everything was going well..

No way can either of them decide let alone 'get over each other' in less than four months or so. They are a family, have a child together for that reason, they are going to try to make it work. they owe it to their kid to give it their best.

[strongertoday]

Few facts ... They split in May.. we met in September.. got romantic in November.. she moved back in at Christmas.. He tried to get her out in January.. He told her it was over last Tuesday.. spent 3 days with me (making plans for a future) then went back to her and NOW she is going to try and he wants to give her a chance!!

 

I get he is weak and he is choosing duty over love.

 

I am so upset I am seriously thinking of telling her. Not sure what I am hoping to gain. Probably nothing.

 

Anyone done this before? Im not sure if it will help me or hurt me more.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Im not sure if it will help me or hurt me more.

 

Wow, you are unbelievably selfish. There's 3 lives here and you are contemplating causing 2 of them pain without even knowing (or caring) if the 3rd person will get even a sliver of happiness from it. Those other 2 people's pain is your only consideration. Disgusting.

 

Quit being the jilted other woman and start being a good person.

[gettingstronger]

You have no idea what she knows, you have no idea if its duty or love- what you do know is he has jerked you around and around- go NC and stay NC- he is not the one for you-

[strongertoday]

I have been the good person the whole way through this.. accepted she moved back and gave him time and space.. then he told her it was over and spent days introducing me to his friends and making plans..

 

Why does he get to hurt me, my kids, make promises that he told me were set in stone and THREE DAYS later flip flop like this?

 

Why isnt she the bad person for leaving him.. messing him around for 9 months and making his life hell before she decides to try for a few days? Why doesnt she deserve some of the pain she has caused him and me?

[Satu]

He is now where he has chosen to be, with the person he's chosen to be with.

 

In a few days or a week, he might choose to be with you.

 

Then a month later he might choose to be with her again.

 

 

Walk away.

[gettingstronger]

Revenge seldom works, but if you're set on it, do it.

[whatatangledweb]

 

Anyone done this before? Im not sure if it will help me or hurt me more.

 

I don't see how it will help you but I see many ways it can hurt you. He may turn against you, she may go after you, and she may already know about you. Telling her will not bring him back to you.

[strongertoday]

I don't see how it will help you but I see many ways it can hurt you. He may turn against you, she may go after you, and she may already know about you. Telling her will not bring him back to you.

 

She doesnt know.. she has my phone number but believes its someone elses (and I have hers).. There is no way she can go after me.. There is nothing she can do.. And he has turned against me, after months of choosing me.

 

I guess I know I wont get him back.. It just shatters me that they are playing happy families less than a week after we were looking at houses.

 

And for those saying I am a horrible person.. no I am not.. I am just so shattered and hurt

[SSJROMANCE]

Nine out of 10 times getting involved with a married man will not end well for you. He could be telling the truth OR like many men who like to fool around tell BS stories to get into your pants. Take your pick. In any event learn from your mistakes. Should you tell his wife? If you suspect he is full of BS I would but must know it will be over between you two - as it should. If you think he was using you and not telling you the truth about what was happening with his wife I would certainly 100% tell his wife. There is NO reason he should get away with that.

[velvette]

I have been the good person the whole way through this.. accepted she moved back and gave him time and space.. then he told her it was over and spent days introducing me to his friends and making plans..

 

Why does he get to hurt me, my kids, make promises that he told me were set in stone and THREE DAYS later flip flop like this?

 

Why isnt she the bad person for leaving him.. messing him around for 9 months and making his life hell before she decides to try for a few days? Why doesnt she deserve some of the pain she has caused him and me?

 

 

Getting involved with a separated person is always risky. Maybe you didn't understand that, but now you have learned the hard way.

 

 

Their marriage is not over and it wont be over until/unless one or both of them decide firmly that it is over. All you do by inserting yourself is ensure more pain for you or a place for him to fall back when they cant work things out.

 

 

You need to accept that he wants it to work and she is apparently good at convincing him it can work. Maybe what they lack is the tools to make it work. Who knows if they will develop those tools or not. All you can be sure of for now is that they are not willing to give up on each other.

 

 

Stop making yourself Plan B.

 

 

Further you have no idea what has gone on in their marriage. What he has told you is only from his point of view. For all you or anyone else knows how she behaves to him is based on horrible things he has done to her. You simply have no way to know.

 

 

Telling her is not going to fix your pain. The only thing that will do that is to stay away from him and the whole situation. If they divorce and he wants to be with you, he knows where to find you and you can go from there.

[elaine567]

I guess I know I wont get him back.. It just shatters me that they are playing happy families less than a week after we were looking at houses.

 

Not an uncommon story unfortunately.

Many men when it comes down to the wire and they are faced with the stark choice, choose their wives, their kids, their home, their family, their friends, their "old" life.

Stepping into the unknown with the OW is difficult and whilst some will spend a lot of time "dreaming" with the OW, actually doing it and leaving, is often just too hard, so they renege.

 

Getting involved with a man newly split from his wife is never a clever move - too much confusion, mess and emotional baggage, and you are now reaping the consequences.