So so so hurt.. Should I tell his wife about all this?

[basil67]

Why does he get to hurt me, my kids, make promises that he told me were set in stone and THREE DAYS later flip flop like this?

 

Because you let him. Honestly, this has had disaster written all over it from the outset.

 

If you choose to date someone who's so recently separated (and this is your choice) you have to do so with the knowledge that they may reconcile or be confused about reconciling.

 

The higher the risk, the more you have to be prepared to protect yourself from the fallout.

[Poppy47]

I'm not sure why you would punish his probably already emotionally exhausted wife because you feel miffed???

 

It is NEVER good idea to become involved with a man who is separated. He is entitled to change his mind at any time. Until he is divorced, he is married.

 

Poppy.

[burnt]

Few facts ... They split in May.. we met in September.. got romantic in November.. she moved back in at Christmas.. He tried to get her out in January.. He told her it was over last Tuesday.. spent 3 days with me (making plans for a future) then went back to her and NOW she is going to try and he wants to give her a chance!!

 

May I ask for some clarification?

Based on your timeline, you are not the other woman. You didn't have an affair with a man living with his wife. He had been separated from his wife for months before you even met him. So, why is this post in the OW/OM section?

 

I get he is weak and he is choosing duty over love.

You can't be sure he's choosing her because of 'duty'; it's most likely that he still loves her and that's why he decided to reconcile and give it another try.

 

I am so upset I am seriously thinking of telling her. Not sure what I am hoping to gain. Probably nothing.

Correct. Nothing good will come out of it.

If they have chosen to get back together, it's their choice and you are simply not a part of that decision.

 

But you have every right to be upset. You got a raw deal. If these two *very confused* people needed to figure out their lovely marriage, they certainly had the option to seek the help of a marriage counselor, instead of him starting a new life with you and then dumping you after making future plans.

It is YOU who got betrayed, while they were trying to fix their sacred marriage.

 

I'm sorry for how you were treated.

 

Anyone done this before? Im not sure if it will help me or hurt me more.

It will not help you--in the long. The only option you have is to walk away keeping your dignity.

 

Let those two people be each other's problems.

You have to work on yourself to heal.

 

Wow, you are unbelievably selfish. There's 3 lives here and you are contemplating causing 2 of them pain without even knowing (or caring) if the 3rd person will get even a sliver of happiness from it. Those other 2 people's pain is your only consideration. Disgusting.

 

Quit being the jilted other woman and start being a good person.

 

Umm…

How is the OP being the one who is selfish??

The man started a relationship with OP; made future plan; then dumped her, when clearly he wasn't done with his marriage fully. He used OP. Period.

[Randomlyrandomme]

You call him weak but you're the one clinging on. Let go yo

[strongertoday]

Thank you Burnt

 

Its here because technically I thought I became the other woman when she moved back in.. even though they were in separate rooms most of the time.

 

There is a big big duty factor as she didnt want a child and he did so she did it just for him.. and reminds him of it constantly.

 

I feel betrayed after him letting me in his life with meeting the son, friends, workmates, and countless nights together he makes the decision then changes so quickly after a little housework and promises from his wife/ex

 

Poppy.. She isnt emotionally exhausted.. she has an easy ride living there and doesnt want to lose her meal ticket.. Unfortunately she knows him too well and knows how to get to him.

 

I probably wont do anything.. because I am not a horrible person.. But the woman who has blown my relationship out of the water is happy and secure and I am hysterical and alone

[LivingWaterPlease]

She doesn't sound secure to me, strongertoday, given that he's left her, come back and left again before this. And he may come back to you at some point. If he does you'll know to give him time to divorce first.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through, stronger.

[whichwayisup]

Few facts ... They split in May.. we met in September.. got romantic in November.. she moved back in at Christmas.. He tried to get her out in January.. He told her it was over last Tuesday.. spent 3 days with me (making plans for a future) then went back to her and NOW she is going to try and he wants to give her a chance!!

 

I get he is weak and he is choosing duty over love.

 

I am so upset I am seriously thinking of telling her. Not sure what I am hoping to gain. Probably nothing.

 

Anyone done this before? Im not sure if it will help me or hurt me more.

 

Do nothing except walk away and never see or speak to him again. This man isn't over his wife, he loves her enough to try to make their marriage work. If they have children, there's another big reason to walk away and leave him alone and definitely do NOT contact her, that's not going to go your way, if anything it'll blow up in your face.

[whichwayisup]

I have been the good person the whole way through this.. accepted she moved back and gave him time and space.. then he told her it was over and spent days introducing me to his friends and making plans..

Why does he get to hurt me, my kids, make promises that he told me were set in stone and THREE DAYS later flip flop like this?

 

Why isnt she the bad person for leaving him.. messing him around for 9 months and making his life hell before she decides to try for a few days? Why doesnt she deserve some of the pain she has caused him and me?

 

Bolded, sadly that part is kind of on you to introduce a newly separated man to your children and allow him to spend time with them. Your anger is misplaced, it should be at HIM, not her.

 

I think he's lied and led you on more than you care to believe.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Burnt

 

Its here because technically I thought I became the other woman when she moved back in.. even though they were in separate rooms most of the time.

 

There is a big big duty factor as she didnt want a child and he did so she did it just for him.. and reminds him of it constantly.

 

I feel betrayed after him letting me in his life with meeting the son, friends, workmates, and countless nights together he makes the decision then changes so quickly after a little housework and promises from his wife/ex

 

Poppy.. She isnt emotionally exhausted.. she has an easy ride living there and doesnt want to lose her meal ticket.. Unfortunately she knows him too well and knows how to get to him.

 

I probably wont do anything.. because I am not a horrible person.. But the woman who has blown my relationship out of the water is happy and secure and I am hysterical and alone

 

Sadly it seems, he was never yours, he was still married to her and spending time with her while with you. As time goes on your anger will be more directed at him rather than her.... She has every right to fight for her marriage and husband, to keep her family intact.

[sophinla]

Love makes us crazy, but to get good love, especially as a woman, you really need to have a very clear head.

 

On one hand, he has a wife that bore him a child, then left him and took that family life away from him, and then comes back and wants to give him his life back. On the other hand, he has a woman he's dated a month or two, plus the possible baggage of children that are not his own.

 

The odds are really not on your side. Better see it sooner than later.

[imsosad]

It seems you are channeling a lot of energy towards being angry with her. This woman has done nothing to you.

It is this man you should be looking at.

Seperate rooms? No sex?

Please.

I think he kind of likes this situation,having two women fawn over him.

In your first post you wrote that she just waltzed back in. Well, he let her. It must suit him.

I get that it is hard for you. I get the feeling you placed a lot of hopes on this R.

This guy is either manipulating and giving you a sob story about duty and her bossy ways, or he is extremely incompetant of handling a situation like an adult.

You unwittingly got in the middle of a marriage. Tough and lonely place to be.

I think you need to.assume that you do not know the whole story, he is omitting, adding,modifying, presenting you with a story that wil keep.you waiting.

You must not wait. He will get on, working on his M, build his life and youll be on the sidelines.

Cut your losses.

End this R, go nc.

If he will eventually divorce (i doubt it, plenty of couples have problems following the birth of their first baby) and you are the love of his life, he will find you.

Dont waste your time on someone else's husband.

[Arieswoman]

strongertoday,

I agree with everyone who said that you should walk away from this one.

 

As a general rule-of-thumb don't date men who are either "separated" or only a year out from a divorce. They are emotionally unavailable in my experience.

 

I dated a guy who was divorced a year and he promised me the moon but went back to "try again" with his ex.

 

I dated another guy who was separated for a year (living apart from his wife and waiting for a divorce on a 2-year separation) and he was cheating on me with his estranged wife, a married women from work and his mate's wife. As soon as I found out I dumped that busy little guy !

 

I learned after that.

 

I know you are hurting but channel that anger and use it for you .

[dreamingoftigers]

He's the ridiculous one.

 

As of she just "moves back in" and he doesn't bother telling you for a bit.

 

Plus the whole "separate bedrooms" and "please can you wait" crap!

 

Seriously? That's now how you treat someone!

 

If he wanted to have a second go with her, he should have been VERY upfront about it.

 

The second she magically "moved back in" he should have been VERY upfront about it.

 

I think you are pretty trusting, but also naive.

He had no business bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball between the two of you. How extremely disrespectful to both of you.

 

Get tested for STDs.

[Cherryz]

Hm, please help me out someone: How can you lose something that has never been yours?

 

Separated, so that means they married and having issues and separated from each other 4 months. rigth?

 

So you knew that he is a married guy. Separated or no. FACT is he is MARRIED!

Means not single and his obligation is with his wife whatever they are going true now.

So you can cry , tell the hole world and everything but you can never win from a wife! And if she is not wife, they have a kid, so before finaly hes single and stable to be with you if he break up with her it may be many years later.

And they will always be connected so you wont get what you want.

 

Its good to understand that every marriage know hard times.

People sometimes dont know how to handle it, or do different things during that time

to hope it will take their hurt away instead of looking for therapy and talk about it and so on with their partner and solve it.

 

Some get drunk, some become workaholic, some cheat, and so on.

 

When you meet someone that say they are separated you should know that

there is no future there for you. And you are just a pleasure thing for them to escape

some of the stress of their real issues.

Once those issues are solved their need to keep you around will be less.

 

You need to stop fooling yourself. And take better care of yourself.

And think for yourself. And not keep yourself in this fantasy , passionate dream.

Stop this affair and work on your self esteem and date people that are real single and

ready to be in a relationship.

 

Beside you sound so selfish. The way you think its amazing that he put his kid away to spent time with you.

The best time to get out of this is now. And no need to tell the wife anything.

Because you dont care about no wife. You just mad and hope she will leave him

so you can have him if you tell her.

 

Marriage is between 2 people. Stop putting yourself in-middle of it.

You will be played like a tennis ball. From left to right.

Beside the kid, and the marriage they have, they have way much more history together then the nights of pleasures he had with you.

 

Sex is what often confuse people mind and emotions. They for a minute dont know which to listen to. Sex also can make it emotionally more hard for people to break up.

I think that may be the case of him. And also yours. You had sex with him and feel like you are more involved with him and like this is it. the "real"love.

At the end, once you start dating single man: let a man find you. Dont chase him! Or try to plan things for him to do to be with you. Let him do the work.

 

Leave this guy alone. Or we will see you in a other topic again about how more messy this got. And never mess with people that are married, or just got out of a relationship, or are in one and use this bs about being on a break, whatever they tell you

use your own brain! And if you cant, let friends and family talk some sense into you.

Because sometimes when we are in something we cant think or see clear always because we are to much into our feelings.

[Cherryz]

If your story was that you found out later that hes married, my post would have been

a little bit different maybe.

But with same advice to leave! Once you knew hes not a single man!

 

But you getting with someone you know from the start is married, its you

choosing to get hurt intentionally! But hoping it wont happen.

Which make no sense.

[Cherryz]

Sadly it seems, he was never yours, he was still married to her and spending time with her while with you. As time goes on your anger will be more directed at him rather than her.... She has every right to fight for her marriage and husband, to keep her family intact.

 

Since she knew from the start that he wasnt a single man, i think

her anger will be towards herself also for letting herself into this.

But lesson learned hopefully. And get stronger out of this.

[elaine567]

YOU are of the opinion that it is you and him against the world and SHE is just "spoiling stuff" and she should have the decency to just go and leave you two in peace.

 

BUT that is very skewed thinking, the reality is that the core relationship here is him and her, and it is YOU that is the outsider "spoiling stuff".

 

Married and separated men do sometimes meet the "love of their life" and do walk away from marriages, but they tend not to hum and haw, they are decisive as to what they really want.

 

This man was all over the shop, he didn't really have the courage to state what he really wanted. He told you what you wanted to hear and then I guess told her a completely different story as that is what she wanted to hear. Truth is, he needed to make sure he was not left all alone, things not working with wife, he's got you; you walk away, he still had the wife.

 

Whatever he said to you about your relationship and where it was going, was completely negated by his actions. His wife moved back in, did some housework and suddenly although "he doesn't want to hurt you", he knows his life is with his wife. The decision was made for him.

She and his child are I guess the ones he truly cares about, you were a temporary distraction, when things went awry in his marriage.

Now with things back on track, he knows where he needs to be.

 

Do not wait around waiting to pick up some crumbs.

He may choose to keep you around, as even weak men can like having two besotted women feeding their egos - do not waste your time.

[wmacbride]

I have been the good person the whole way through this.. accepted she moved back and gave him time and space.. then he told her it was over and spent days introducing me to his friends and making plans..

 

Why does he get to hurt me, my kids, make promises that he told me were set in stone and THREE DAYS later flip flop like this?

 

Why isnt she the bad person for leaving him.. messing him around for 9 months and making his life hell before she decides to try for a few days? Why doesnt she deserve some of the pain she has caused him and me?

 

I read your timeline. To quote what you said

 

"They split in May.. we met in September.. got romantic in November.. she moved back in at Christmas.. He tried to get her out in January.. He told her it was over last Tuesday.. spent 3 days with me (making plans for a future) then went back to her and NOW she is going to try and he wants to give her a chance!!"

 

Why on earth have your kids met him, let alone become invested in him? Why are you playing any role in planning his kids future?Less than three months?

 

Come on, seriously?

[whichwayisup]

Since she knew from the start that he wasnt a single man, i think

her anger will be towards herself also for letting herself into this.

But lesson learned hopefully. And get stronger out of this.

 

It's obvious he played 'make believe' and future faked with her, minimized what was truly going on between him and his wife so he could have both.

[SSJROMANCE]

So many posts about the same thing just different people. Call him and tell him you are unavailable until he is divorced. Most likely he IS lying to u and is playing you. Not having sex but moved back in? LMAO!!! He wants milk from more than one cow.

[jenkins95]

Few facts ... They split in May.. we met in September.. got romantic in November.. she moved back in at Christmas.. He tried to get her out in January.. He told her it was over last Tuesday.. spent 3 days with me (making plans for a future) then went back to her and NOW she is going to try and he wants to give her a chance!!

 

I get he is weak and he is choosing duty over love.

 

I am so upset I am seriously thinking of telling her. Not sure what I am hoping to gain. Probably nothing.

 

Anyone done this before? Im not sure if it will help me or hurt me more.

 

strongertoday - I really feel for you. It is a horrible situation.

 

I think you may be making it too easy for him to take you for granted i.e. he knows you will wait for him while he sees where the land lies with her.

 

Perhaps you should try tough love? i.e. Tell him that while he sorts himself out and finds out what he wants, it has to be strict NC with you. This will force him to really think about his life and what he should do, without taking it for granted that you'll be there for him.

 

Also, you don't want to be seen at the OW, the potential home-wrecker. I know that you are not this and you met him when they were separated. But if they try to give it a genuine go, then things could be twisted to make you look this way.

 

Best to step back IMO. If he finds he truly loves you and can't be without you, he should act responsibly - he would need to respectfully and amicably end things with her, get child rearing arrangements in place, get everyone settled into a new routine......and only THEN come knocking on your door. If you've moved on by then, well it wasn't meant to be.

 

I wish you all the very best.

[stillafool]

She doesnt know.. she has my phone number but believes its someone elses (and I have hers).. There is no way she can go after me.. There is nothing she can do.. And he has turned against me, after months of choosing me.

 

I guess I know I wont get him back.. It just shatters me that they are playing happy families less than a week after we were looking at houses.

 

And for those saying I am a horrible person.. no I am not.. I am just so shattered and hurt

 

I'll bet she never knew anything about you and he hasn't told her jack. He was just looking for the easiest way out and blaming her was it. He obviously loves her and his child and wants to take care of them. I guarantee they have been and are sleeping in the same bed. Just move on and next time get involved with someone who has their divorce papers in hand.

[jenkins95]

YOU are of the opinion that it is you and him against the world and SHE is just "spoiling stuff" and she should have the decency to just go and leave you two in peace.

 

BUT that is very skewed thinking, the reality is that the core relationship here is him and her, and it is YOU that is the outsider "spoiling stuff".

 

Married and separated men do sometimes meet the "love of their life" and do walk away from marriages, but they tend not to hum and haw, they are decisive as to what they really want.

 

This man was all over the shop, he didn't really have the courage to state what he really wanted. He told you what you wanted to hear and then I guess told her a completely different story as that is what she wanted to hear. Truth is, he needed to make sure he was not left all alone, things not working with wife, he's got you; you walk away, he still had the wife.

 

Whatever he said to you about your relationship and where it was going, was completely negated by his actions. His wife moved back in, did some housework and suddenly although "he doesn't want to hurt you", he knows his life is with his wife. The decision was made for him.

She and his child are I guess the ones he truly cares about, you were a temporary distraction, when things went awry in his marriage.

Now with things back on track, he knows where he needs to be.

 

Do not wait around waiting to pick up some crumbs.

He may choose to keep you around, as even weak men can like having two besotted women feeding their egos - do not waste your time.

 

This tough for you to read stronger, but there's a lot of wisdom in it. Probably best to save yourself a lot of wasted time and lots of potential pain and heartbreak all round by just walking away. As I said in my other post, if you are the "one", he knows what he has to do. But he needs to do that without any influence from you.

 

......BUT that is very skewed thinking, the reality is that the core relationship here is him and her, and it is YOU that is the outsider "spoiling stuff".

 

Elaine, I think that's a little unkind. I agree with the main message of your post here 100%, but remember that she is not knowingly an OW. She got together with him when he was separated......and he's then kept her dangling. He is the one most at fault here in being weak and playing with two women while he decides what to do.

[Liam1]

Thank you Burnt

 

 

There is a big big duty factor as she didnt want a child and he did so she did it just for him.. and reminds him of it constantly.

 

There is never a duty factor. That factor is ALWAYS just an excuse.

 

This relationship was screwy to begin with, with her staying to watch the kid?

 

You know that right?

 

If he did not love her, he would leave her. He has not. He likely wants his cake and eat it too, but can not even admit this to himself. If he loved you he would have already left her, he has not.

 

But the woman who has blown my relationship out of the water is happy and secure and I am hysterical and alone

Perhaps she feels that way about you. Separating from someone does not always mean the relationship is over. Maybe the two needed a break for awhile.

 

It was wrong for him to get involved with you and mislead you as he did. He should have warned you that he was not yet over his relationship with her.

 

This guy is obviously confused and/or is trying to have you both.

 

If he does love you but is too cowardly to leave and go with you, than why do you even want him.

 

He is not too kind or any of the nice things you mentioned about your bf. He is likely not in love with you or the wife/GF. He is self absorbed.

 

When you truly love someone you don't get confused and claim you love two people or you are staying out of duty. You just know which one you love, IMO.

 

IMO, being torn between to loves is simply an excuse to cake eat.

[elaine567]

Elaine, I think that's a little unkind. I agree with the main message of your post here 100%, but remember that she is not knowingly an OW. She got together with him when he was separated......and he's then kept her dangling. He is the one most at fault here in being weak and playing with two women while he decides what to do.

 

Exactly he is at fault here, but the OP has somewhat assumed the position of being the core person, when in reality the wife moves back in, he doesn't even tell the OP, and now he is playing happy families at home with his wife again. She and he are the core here, the ones that matter and that IS very unfortunate for the OP, but getting into the middle of a newly separated husband and wife was always going to be tough, and some would say a recipe for disaster. NOT only because of the possibility of a reconciliation, but also due to the possibility of being a rebound.

 

Few relationships of a few months duration can take the place of a marriage with a child involved.

Given the stark choice - the wife and child or the OP - this man did what most men tend to do and stayed with his marriage, his child, his house, his friends, his status...etc. etc.