Would you let 20 year old daughter spend the night?

[hhastings17]

I am 20 years old, almost 21, and I have been seeing someone a few years older than me for about 2 months.

The person I am seeing has his own place, and I have spent the night with him twice when my family was gone on vacation. There was no pressure to have sex, it was just easier because he lives a little over 30 minutes from my house.

 

I still live at home and I'm not sure how my parents will feel about me spending the night with him in the future. They aren't super controlling, but I'm the baby in the family and they tend to be a little over protective (my opinion) of me because of that. I respect them enough to not want to lie about where I am and what I am doing.

 

I don't see anything wrong with sleeping over at his house occasionally, but what are some of your opinions on it? Would you let your 20 year old daughter spend the night at her new boyfriends house?

 

~ I would move out if I could, but I am in nursing school and I am working as much as I can with my workload...which isn't nearly enough to support myself on my own. However I do pay for my own gas, groceries, hygiene supplies, etc.

[SSJROMANCE]

You are an adult now. Go for it. You might be surprised how receptive your parents might be of it. Being the baby of the family, in my experience, generally gets you more freedom and acceptance. The parents at that point are like OK whatever we're tired been through 3 kids do what you want ha ha. Being almost 21 I would be super surprised if they gave you a hard time. They may preach to you about the intentions of this guy and that's where your smarts are suppose to come in to play. But you two are consenting adults and therefore go ahead and take that step.

 

To answer your question - would I? She is far from 21 but looking ahead I would educate her support her love her and let her make her own decisions.

[Lady2163]

I'd ask your older siblings for their input and see if they had any suggestions. Then I'd approach the parents you are closest to, privately.

 

There may not be the moral taboo about this as there was back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was 20.

 

Your parents will probably appreciate discretion on your part. It helps that your boyfriend lives 30 minutes away. They may want you to not be shouting from the rooftop and gloating to any younger family members (cousins et al). They are also going to want to know you are practicing safe sex and maybe even another form of birth control.

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't think you would even ask the question if you didn't think it would upset them...I am sure they don't approve...I have a daughter that's not at your age I don't think I would like it, but a lot of my decision would depend on how I feel about the guy..

 

Another thing....If you've only been with the guy for a couple of months, then they probably don't know him very well-or at all?...I'd say that's another thing you have gong against you...

 

You still live at home, then I think you have to respect their wishes/feelings about it...Just deal with it until you are on your own....30 minutes isn't a long drive...

 

Why create the drama, especially if you are saying there is no sex...?

 

TFY

[CarrieT]

I imagine your parents would prefer to meet him before you announce (or ask?) about sleeping over.

[MuddyFootprints]

20 and 20+ , whether visiting or living at home, they are expected to let me know if they will be home that night or not. I expect a phone call (not a text) to let me know if their plans have changed and they won't be home.

 

I don't need details.

 

I'd do the same for my mother if she were expecting me back. I'm over 40.

[Methodical]

Do your parents hold old fashion or religious values?

 

They might not like it, but the reality is, had you attended a university out of high school, you would have essentially been on your own for 2+ years by now. It's not like you are asking them to allow him to sleep under their roof, so I don't see your request as disrespectful in any way.

[mrldii]

While I personally probably would, I can absolutely understand a parent's/parents' *edict* of "My house, my rules", if they decided that it would NOT be OK.

 

If you don't like it, then - as a legal adult - you have the legal right to get your own place and make your own rules.

 

Best of luck to you, OP...with your choice and your decision.

[d0nnivain]

I lived with my parents from age 21 to age 23 while I was in grad school. As a condition of them paying my rent sleep overs were a big no no.

 

If you old enough to make your own decisions, you are old enough to pay your own rent & tuition.

 

I chose to abide by my parents rules because I knew I couldn't afford to move out.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do think you are old enough to make your own decisions...however I also think you owe your parents the courtesy of letting them know your plans so they do not worry.

 

Please be careful.....always let your mom know where you are.

 

My daughter moved back home after a divorce when she was your age....I still expected her to abide by our rules in our home. Respect knows no age.

[hhastings17]

I really value my parents views and perspectives, which is why i wanted to get opinions on this. I think my parents could go either way honestly. I would never want to disrespect them by going against their rules, which is also why I could never lie to them about staying at a friends. I respect them too much for that.

 

I got out of a 3 year long relationship 6 months ago, and I would go and stay with him up at school and he would occasionally come stay with me and my parents were definitely not a fan at first but they eventually didn't mind. However I think a big part of that was how long we had been together.

 

I appreciate everyones input!

[Tayla]

Be open with your parents. Hear them out and know they have your best interest in this decision.

 

Wish you well in how to manage this. Most Young adults rarely care what their parents think... You seem to carry some good regard for what they may have to say. Thats a good character trait! To regard your parents:)

[Randomlyrandomme]

Would you let your 20 year old daughter spend the night at her new boyfriends house? .

 

Not a father yet, but if my 20 year old daughter asked me to let her do something, I'd probably feel like I failed as a parent.

 

You're 20. No one should have to let you do anything. You're a big girl. Live your big girl life.

 

I came from a very controlling family: no late nights, no sleepovers. Then I met a girl when I was 17 and after a while I sat my parents down. I said to them, calmly and assertively that "I met this girl, we were were going to start having sex, so we're going to be spending nights together, and sleeping together" what could they say?

 

I found out then that of you make a logical decision, are confidant and committed to it, they treat you more like an adult.

[mrldii]

A different side of the same coin, OP...

 

Most often it has little to do with one's chronological age, and has everything to do with mutual respect.

 

When I had to stay with my son (who was 30, when I was at the ripe old age of 50, 'til I got myself settled in my new town), he did not want the guy I was dating spending the night at his home where he was letting me stay.

 

His house; his rules. So, yes, when we spent the night together, we did it elsewhere. And yes, as an adult, I always let my adult son know when I'd not be home and where I'd be and when he should expect me to return.

 

 

Sometimes being a grown adult means doing what you want while respecting others; they don't have to be mutually-exclusive concepts.

[ktya]

Do it. You're 20. Old enough to drink, watch porn, drive, vote and do pretty well anything else an adult is allowed to do.

 

I'd leave out the details that your staying at your boyfriend's place just because until you move out they don't even need to contemplate you being sexually active, it will just cause problems.

 

I see this problem from the other side: the boyfriends. I'm 39 dating a 20 year old. She used to come over almost every night and it was dizzying all the tales she made up for her parents of different people she was seeing. Due to a dispute with her parents she's been *unofficially* living with me for over a month now, telling her parents she's been couch surfing at one friends place or another.

 

It's her parents and I understand the whole age difference thing scares her to drop that on her parents, but I know one day they're going to figure out that she's been lying to them for months and months and I'm certain that's going to be a whole lot worse. The age difference problem is something you don't have to deal with.

 

So just stay at his house, say you're going out and not coming home for the night, if they try to claw where your going out of you just say your boyfriend's place. If you were 15 it is understandable that your worried about what your parents think, but at 20 provided you aren't putting yourself in harms way your entitled to do whatever you want, even if they don't like it.

[GunslingerRoland]

Unless there are some special circumstances, I think by the time my kids are 20 they need to make their own decisions on whether or not to sleep over at their partners place. It would be pretty naïve to think that just saying no, is going to mean they won't have sex.

[Shepp]

I wouldn't have a problem as a parent IF she was long term steady with the guy and i'd met him and thought him decent.

They were my mum and dads rules (and from much younger than 20)

 

 

But that was me and my family. Some families would be totally against it. What matters is your family! Its their support you want so its them that you need to talk to.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Not a father yet, but if my 20 year old daughter asked me to let her do something, I'd probably feel like I failed as a parent.

 

You're 20. No one should have to let you do anything. You're a big girl. Live your big girl life.

 

I came from a very controlling family: no late nights, no sleepovers. Then I met a girl when I was 17 and after a while I sat my parents down. I said to them, calmly and assertively that "I met this girl, we were were going to start having sex, so we're going to be spending nights together, and sleeping together" what could they say?

 

I found out then that of you make a logical decision, are confidant and committed to it, they treat you more like an adult.

 

Exactly this. I find the concept of a TWENTY year old feeling she needs permission to sleep out very disturbing and I'm surprised nobody else seems to have picked up on this. The 'my house my rules' argument doesn't fly when she's not planning on having the guy over, she wants to go to him...

[thefooloftheyear]

Exactly this. I find the concept of a TWENTY year old feeling she needs permission to sleep out very disturbing and I'm surprised nobody else seems to have picked up on this. The 'my house my rules' argument doesn't fly when she's not planning on having the guy over, she wants to go to him...

 

Its not an issue of control.....Its a matter of respect....

 

Some parents wont care, and that's fine....For those that do, why then would a person make their own parents uncomfortable or worrisome? They are the one's that are providing the living arrangements, its just courtesy at that point...

 

People talk about 20 year olds as if they are ready to conquer the world...Maybe that was true 50-60 years ago, but today's 20 year old barely can drive and don't have the same level of maturity that once was...Not true for all, but as a general rule anyway...And people that lack judgement make critical mistakes at times...We as parents are supposed to guide them and not let them get themselves into trouble...

 

Just the mere fact that she has been staying at a guys house who she barely knows and they(parents) don't know, and lying about it......well....That's what I call pretty disturbing..

 

TFY

[Popsicle]

Yeah, I'd say if you want to live in their house, you're going to have to live by their rules.

[Els]

Given that moving out is not an option at this time, your best bet would be to introduce your parents to him, then bring up a sleepover later.

 

Not a father yet, but if my 20 year old daughter asked me to let her do something, I'd probably feel like I failed as a parent.

 

You're 20. No one should have to let you do anything. You're a big girl. Live your big girl life.

 

I came from a very controlling family: no late nights, no sleepovers. Then I met a girl when I was 17 and after a while I sat my parents down. I said to them, calmly and assertively that "I met this girl, we were were going to start having sex, so we're going to be spending nights together, and sleeping together" what could they say?

 

They could very well have said "While you're living under our roof, our rules hold" and kicked you out if you had insisted on it, which would be their prerogative. If someone wants to have adult rights, they need to live like an adult, which pretty much means not living with their parents (unless the only reason you are living with them is because they are ill and need taking care of, which would be different).

 

While the OP is still living with her parents, she has to respect their decisions IMO. I understand and empathize that her school situation requires her to live with them, but in that case she might have to give up certain things that they don't approve of, and this might be one of them. The solution is to move out ASAP, that way you don't have to answer to anyone.

[hhastings17]

I haven't had the discussion with either of my parents about it yet, I was just wanting to get peoples perspectives on the situations.

 

I haven't had to have this convo with them, as like I said, I was in a relationship for 3 years and we just kind of started spending nights with each other and my parents never said much about it.

[Els]

I haven't had the discussion with either of my parents about it yet, I was just wanting to get peoples perspectives on the situations.

 

I haven't had to have this convo with them, as like I said, I was in a relationship for 3 years and we just kind of started spending nights with each other and my parents never said much about it.

 

I get that, I'm not condemning what you did or said at all. My post was mostly to the people who are saying that you should insist on your way at all costs just because you're 20.

 

I do hope your parents are reasonable and that you can come to a good compromise with them about it. Good luck!

[hhastings17]

I get that, I'm not condemning what you did or said at all. My post was mostly to the people who are saying that you should insist on your way at all costs just because you're 20.

 

I do hope your parents are reasonable and that you can come to a good compromise with them about it. Good luck!

 

I appreciate your perspective! I would never want to insist on anything or disrespect them. I really wanted to get other peoples views on the situation!

 

Thank you so much!

[sportygirl89]

My parents trusted me at that age. But I did have to inform them of my location.