15 months Post BU... And still intrinsically broken

[Demoralised_10]

I've not posted on here in a while but still take an active interest in everyone's post and it still gives me great insight.

 

Here's what's troubling me, it's been 15 months since the ex dumped me. Since the BU I've incorporated all the techniques I needed to ease the heartbreak and loss. I've been NC since the start, including no social media stalking. She has never been in contact since.

I've had ups and downs, brought a house, a beautiful dog, got healthy and active again, made redundant etc..

I've dated several women and even embarked on a relationship since.

Most of the dates once they have progressed beyond a first date have petered out as they can sense I'm not feeling it, the relationship I ended early before it really had a chance a) in the faint hope my ex should reappear b) I couldn't wholly invest when I knew this person wasn't for me.

Now I'm not putting the ex on some kind of pedestal or am I intentionally setting out to make other women comparable to her either.

It just seems that what we had encompassing the relationship as a whole was a deep understanding and mutual respect for each other that I'm finding hard to see in other people.

What's troubling me is that I endured a long period in terms of years without a relationship, and now can't help thinking that the reason why was waiting for her to come along and then she was gone just as sudden as she appeared. I can't seem to kick the thought that potentially I ruined what was the best thing that could have happened to me.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm a long way down the road to recovery, I still get troubled by frequent, vivid emotionally charged dreams featuring her, and my new job (delivery driver) allows me far too much 'me' time for thinking than I would like.

 

It's that thought that no one will measure up, that connection won't be there, I'm not ever going to find someone that fits the bill on all levels, and having the experience of dating several potential partners so far has only confirmed my fears.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[privategal]

Have you tried reaching out now that this much time has passed?

If you aren't going to let her know then the next step would be therapy to find a new route of healing.

Also if you pushed all the feelings down in the beginning and didnt allow yourself to grieve, then you might have delayed healing.

There isnt a rule that in 15 months you should be totally healed and over it.

Also sometimes you date many until the right partner comes along and its right.

But if you feel that strongly your ex was the one and you allowed this much time and space, maybe consider reaching out.

[lillian39530]

I feel your pain! I have the exact same fear. Never to find that "connection" again, the "soulmate feeling". My therapist told me it can take up to 2 years to get over someone. And complicated grief is after four years.

 

I think you should keep on dating and hopefully develop something nice, maybe different, with someone else .

[thespacey1]

OP, I feel you. You're not alone. Who initiated the breakup? How long were you two together? Sorry if I overlooked that in your initial post.

 

I'm at almost the exact space you're in right about now. Almost the exact same breakup time frame and all. Even though I was the dumper, I feel almost as bad as anyone would feel after being dumped. Perhaps it's because I know that the decision came from me and any feelings I have now I feel like I need to just choc'em up. Otherwise, my decision was in vain.

 

Part of my hangup right now may come from the fact that I didn't grieve early on enough due to my job, family functions, expectations, dating to soon,etc. All of which I'm now learning to set boundaries around. Plus, my ex (ex-fiance) and I communicated (via text a few times; in person twice).

 

I've learned from all that. We all need DIFFERENT things to grieve. You may need more time to reflect before dating more. Take time to pay attention to your feelings and thoughts. Often times people try telling us to "just get back out there... And start dating again!". Ahhh, nooooo. That's NOT the cure, not my cure anyway. You gotta feel the pain without the smoke screen of a pretty face or meaningless small talk (which is so annoying to me... Sorry). I've gone out with guys since my BU and one guy could tell my mind and heart was preoccupied and it wasn't fair, I'll admit. No one deserves to be the rebound guy (girl, in your case). Sadly enough, it probably happens more often than not...

 

Point is, take time to grieve without too many DATING distractions. After a while of not dating, if you feel really excited to meet someone, then go ahead. Just be careful with whom you spend your time and energy with. The wrong person can be a true energy drainer or setback. But also be careful with the hearts of the women you may meet. It would be a shame to let a great woman get away all because you can't see her with fresh eyes...

 

Peace ~

[TextnHate]

So I dated a girl from when I was 17 till I was 23. We were together for 6 years and engaged the last few months we were together. When **** hit the fan and she left me I was a train wreck. I never felt heartbreak before and it mentally destroyed me. I am going to give you some good and bad news. First off it took me probably a good 3 years to be completely over it. The first two years and I dated and botched them all to hell. One relationship had great potential however I was way to needy. There are other girls out there. You honestly need to do things that make you independent such as join a gym. See what types of activities are around were you can meet new people. I actually started playing poker a lot which helped. Probably not the best suggestion but it plowed me threw some dark times. You need to find yourself and only you can do that.

Edited March 3, 2016 by TextnHate

[SixxChick]

OP, I feel you. You're not alone. Who initiated the breakup? How long were you two together? Sorry if I overlooked that in your initial post.

 

I'm at almost the exact space you're in right about now. Almost the exact same breakup time frame and all. Even though I was the dumper, I feel almost as bad as anyone would feel after being dumped. Perhaps it's because I know that the decision came from me and any feelings I have now I feel like I need to just choc'em up. Otherwise, my decision was in vain.

 

Part of my hangup right now may come from the fact that I didn't grieve early on enough due to my job, family functions, expectations, dating to soon,etc. All of which I'm now learning to set boundaries around. Plus, my ex (ex-fiance) and I communicated (via text a few times; in person twice).

 

I've learned from all that. We all need DIFFERENT things to grieve. You may need more time to reflect before dating more. Take time to pay attention to your feelings and thoughts. Often times people try telling us to "just get back out there... And start dating again!". Ahhh, nooooo. That's NOT the cure, not my cure anyway. You gotta feel the pain without the smoke screen of a pretty face or meaningless small talk (which is so annoying to me... Sorry). I've gone out with guys since my BU and one guy could tell my mind and heart was preoccupied and it wasn't fair, I'll admit. No one deserves to be the rebound guy (girl, in your case). Sadly enough, it probably happens more often than not...

 

Point is, take time to grieve without too many DATING distractions. After a while of not dating, if you feel really excited to meet someone, then go ahead. Just be careful with whom you spend your time and energy with. The wrong person can be a true energy drainer or setback. But also be careful with the hearts of the women you may meet. It would be a shame to let a great woman get away all because you can't see her with fresh eyes...

 

Peace ~

 

Some really, REALLY good stuff in this response.

[CDJ]

OP, what both you and thespacey1 have described is exactly what I have been going through, too.

 

I didn't go NC at the start but after 3 months managed to get into the routine of resisting the temptation. I wish I'd done it sooner.

 

I didn't get time to grieve the break-up because my ex didn't let me. She then did something horrible to me and I should have let my anger take over and grieved everything properly, but I was too traumatised at the time. Break-ups really are like a bereavement when it comes to going through a grieving process.

 

I spent most of my adult life a as single bachelor (relationships never appealed to me) but got into one at the age of 30. Now at 32 I'm struggling being single and craving a relationship like I had before, even though I was so comfortable being single for so long before!

 

And, like you, I've struggled to progress anything meaningful with someone since. I've dated about 7 girls in the past 6 months (some at the same time :/) but have never been able to commit to anything. I'm not sure how it is for you, but for me I think it's because I feel that last time I put all my eggs (which I'd saved up for many years) into one basket - my ex was the first I went travelling with, who I invited into my family and vice-versa, first who I truly loved - only for them all to be smashed spectacularly. Maybe I'm sacred to do that again and so have been putting a few eggs here and a few there with different girls (which of course is never enough to create anything meaningful with anyone).

 

No I'm faced with the problem that I've almost become addicted to dating and meeting new girls, it's become a habit. One needs to break such a habit in order to properly heal and, as thespacey1 said, learn how to be excited about people again.

 

Is that how it feels to you?

[Satu]

snip

 

 

*It's that thought that no one will measure up, that connection won't be there, I'm not ever going to find someone that fits the bill on all levels, and having the experience of dating several potential partners so far has only confirmed my fears.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

The truth about your ex is that she is a completely ordinary person; just like you, just like me.

 

It's your idealised mental representation of her, that is holding you back.

 

Let go of the fantasy.

[Miss Clavel]

let go, then move on.

[Satu]

snip

 

No I'm faced with the problem that *I've almost become addicted to dating and meeting new girls, it's become a habit. One needs to break such a habit in order to properly heal and, as thespacey1 said, learn how to be excited about people again.

 

Is that how it feels to you?

 

*It sounds like you need to experience the thing that you don't want:

 

Being alone.

 

 

“Our language has wisely sensed these two sides of man’s being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.”

 

― Paul Tillich, The Eternal Now.

 

 

Take care.

[CDJ]

*It sounds like you need to experience the thing that you don't want:

 

Being alone.

That's the thing; before I met my ex I always wanted to be alone! In fact, for the first 6-8 months of our relationship I really missed that 'loneliness' at times. The frustration for me now, and I guess for the OP too, is that I'm no longer comfortable with something I once enjoyed; and I think that's simply because a void has been filled - a girlfriend-shaped void, to which the obvious solution seems to be to fill it with another girlfriend-shaped thing!

 

So I guess the way we resolve that is to find something else that fits into the space, to plug the gap.

[Satu]

snip

*So I guess the way we resolve that is to find something else that fits into the space, to plug the gap.

 

*There are many things that can fill that gap, but none of them can satisfy if 'really being with oneself' isn't fully established.

 

Being with oneself is based in a feeling of satisfaction thats always there, when nobody else is present.

 

Yoga, breathing, martial arts, journalling, and many other things can help people to get to the place where they are 'grooving' on who they are.

 

Once you've got that feeling of satisfaction in place, it will never go away or be lost.

[Demoralised_10]

Firstly thanks for all the great feedback it's very insightful reading as usual from these boards.

 

Privategal - without doubt I've thought hundreds if not thousands of times about reaching out to her.

There's two trains of thought here for me:

A) I don't think I'm mentally strong enough even 15 months down the line to cope if I don't like what I might find out and that's ripping the band aid when I know I'm not fully healed.

B) If I did reach out it would at least give me a sense of closure that I've put it out there how I feel..

 

However would I achieve b) or still be stuck feeling worse in a) on both counts? Hard for me to call.

 

Thespacey1 - interesting points made and pretty much on the money, it's also intriguing to see from a dumpers point of view. Your last sentence has resonated something within me, I think I've let a great women in my ex get away as perhaps at the start I wasnt thinking too clearly and still in that laid back single persona?

Being the dumper do you now regret the decision? Do you feel that if you were to change your mind you would still have the option of potentially getting back with your ex?

 

CDJ - you could almost be me! I think our paths are similar if not the very same! Particularly the fact of missing that loneliness in the first few months, ironically my whole laid back approach to my ex seemed to actually make me more appealing to her, I wasnt uptight and suffocating like her previous partners she remarked on.

The dating aspect is exactly the same as yours, I openly admit here, I went straight back into dating a month or so after being dumped as I had a great desire and misguided apprehension that if I walked the same path how I happened upon my ex I could create the exact same result and euphoria. Of course now 14 or so months on it hasn't worked. I had to break a girls heart because being a fool I let it go on way longer than it should of done because I was afraid of not having 'just somebody'. Like you I've had 2 or 3 dating partners going at the same time and like you I've almost become addicted to trying to obtain that adrenaline rush I had with my ex the first time and it's not working. I'm often finding that after progressing to date 2 I'm waning, and they are picking up on this right away and for that I can't blame them.

 

Satu- you have it nailed on when you mention the need to have satisfaction in oneself when nobody else is present. This I can do, it's the nagging feeling, a constant in my thought process that finding that one who can give me the connection on the same level of my ex won't go away. It's almost as if I'm convincing myself that my soulmate got away from me and nothing else will live up to that.. Again I'm stressing I'm not putting the ex on a pedestal here.

[Satu]

Satu- you have it nailed on when you mention the need to have satisfaction in oneself when nobody else is present. This I can do, it's the nagging feeling, a constant in my thought process that finding that one who can give me the connection on the same level of my ex won't go away. It's almost as if I'm convincing myself that my soulmate got away from me and nothing else will live up to that.. Again I'm stressing I'm not putting the ex on a pedestal here.

 

I understand what you're saying, but in my world you experience the deepest possible connection when you extend yourself to another to the greatest degree possible for you.

 

 

Total extension of the Self.

 

Nothing held back.

 

Nothing conditional.

 

Nothing reserved for 'maybe later.'

 

 

I don't think that the real problem is the difficulty of finding someone like her again.

 

I think that the real problem is that you've self-protectively closed your heart to some extent, as a result of the pain of loss you've experienced, and as a consequence you feel disconnected and alone.

 

You need to be willing to fully extend yourself to someone, or it really can't happen for you again.

 

It's not about the scarcity of suitable women.

 

Its about you, and the way you're unconsciously protecting yourself.

 

 

Open up.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Satu

[thespacey1]

Thespacey1 - interesting points made and pretty much on the money, it's also intriguing to see from a dumpers point of view. Your last sentence has resonated something within me, I think I've let a great women in my ex get away as perhaps at the start I wasnt thinking too clearly and still in that laid back single persona?

Being the dumper do you now regret the decision? Do you feel that if you were to change your mind you would still have the option of potentially getting back with your ex?

Sorry for the delayed response (the story of my (love) life)...also, sorry for this rather long post.

 

Well, I don't regret my decision to leave my ex because honestly he assumed that no woman would ever leave him... He said it when taking to one of his buddies. I overheard the conversation and he made the comment in response to his buddy asking him if I was leaving him (on another occasion when I really wasn't. I was just going away for the weekend to see family). Plus, he tried "buying" me to a certain extent. Taking me shopping, mini trips, handbags, expensive engagement ring, etc. And when I would speak out about certain issues.he would throw these things in my face saying he tries to give me everything so there should be no problems between us. But there were problems,i.e. his temper and immaturity at times. His temper wasn't just with me ,I observed it with his family as well...

 

Other than that though he was a beautiful and amazing guy on a good day. And for reasons I won't get into, he really does need some counseling help, but he never chose to get it.

 

I say all that to make the point that I left him to keep my sanity. Honestly, I probably would have a better chance of us still being with him had I not left him or stood up for myself by refusing to take anymore of his bull crap/bullying aka "love". But no I do not regret my decision, because I did what I needed to do. Unfortunately, tough decisions render tough consequences sometimes. I knew it would be hellish dealing with leaving him because we were making plans to get married,but I saw too many red flags.

 

What I DO regret though, is his stubborn nature/along with my stubborn nature and the extent to which I've hurt him. He viewed me leaving him as the ultimate betrayal, because for all he knew I left him for another man,etc. I didn't though. But there were days when he didn't know exactly where I was and I didn't tell him bcuz I was trying to avoid contact and temptation of going back to him.

 

Since our breakup which has been about 1.5 years now, I have never begged or even asked him back. He's told me he thought of me and I've told him I missed him.... once... So me acting this way as a female,is probably viewed as cold and as though I had another man waiting for me but that's not even the case. Yes there were guys who were still trying to be with me even while I was engaged but not because of me leading them on. Two guys were exes and they just couldn't let me go and of course strangers would flirt with me even when in the presence of my ex sometimes...

 

Anyhoo, So I don't regret leaving,but I do regret how bitter he was after our breakup. If I had to do it all over again,yes I would still like to date him but I would take things 10 times slower and perhaps I wouldn't have progressed to ,as I mentioned before, merging our lives and for creating all these memories that are so d@mn hard to get over... We moved too fast.

Edited March 16, 2016 by thespacey1