amyO Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Wasnt sure where to post this...but, I've always had trouble standing up for myself and being assertive. I'm told i'm "too nice," to the point where whoever is stating this, means that it's bad that i am. I know to a large degree that i am nice and that i allow people to walk on me. I don't want that to happen, it's just that i don't feel comfortable speaking up and don't know exactly what to say in moments that i should. Something happened at work today and it basically was the person "in charge" of me stating i couldnt speak friendly/talk to these two people who havent been performing well and that i need to stop being nice to them. I thought she was acting like a immature teenager- but it was the fact thAt i didn't even know what to say back to her that hurt me the most. I wish i had the guts to say my point in an assertive but appropriate manner. I have trouble with this all the time. I'm tired of being looked at as this weak, nice girl. I may be nice, but i know that i am also a strong individual and i refuse to keep being made fun of or looked down upon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Start by thinking about this very short but complete sentence: No. Two letters, one punctuation point. A complete sentence. Practice saying it aloud. Enjoy the sound of it. "No." is your friend. Don't leave home without it. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 Satu is right. Also Check out the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" (its not what you think). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Wasnt sure where to post this...but, I've always had trouble standing up for myself and being assertive. I'm told i'm "too nice," to the point where whoever is stating this, means that it's bad that i am. I know to a large degree that i am nice and that i allow people to walk on me. I don't want that to happen, it's just that i don't feel comfortable speaking up and don't know exactly what to say in moments that i should. Something happened at work today and it basically was the person "in charge" of me stating i couldnt speak friendly/talk to these two people who havent been performing well and that i need to stop being nice to them. I thought she was acting like a immature teenager- but it was the fact thAt i didn't even know what to say back to her that hurt me the most. I wish i had the guts to say my point in an assertive but appropriate manner. I have trouble with this all the time. I'm tired of being looked at as this weak, nice girl. I may be nice, but i know that i am also a strong individual and i refuse to keep being made fun of or looked down upon. I've learned some useful things from Pia Melody. She might be able to help. Here is a video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7bk_SG2QD4E Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 OP, I have a lot of trouble sometimes say what I feel in the moment. What I tend to do in that situation is I bring it up again later when I do have my thoughts gathered. And if someone is asking me to do something that I'm not sure I want to do, I may not say "no" right away, but I try and say, "let me think about it." That gives me some time to consider it, and that way I'm not stuck agreeing to something I don't want to do and having to backtrack later on. Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 OP I'm the same way. I lock up in uncomfortable situations and tend to just stay silent and can't seem to express anything I feel. I've found my best method is to write stuff down. It's hard in a work environment though, because some conversations need to be had in person. Yet when something is really bothering me I will write an email to that person, or a letter, or text. Then when my thoughts are already on display to them, we can sit down and discuss it further. It's so much easier when you thoughts and concerns are already on the table out in the open. It's incredibly hard to speak up for myself in person, but it's rather simple through writing. Thing is, I thought it was a weak way to go, but I've never been treated that way. In fact people say things like "I'm glad you were able to be open about this" and are often more encouraging about it. Saying things like "you should speak up more" and instead of feeling bad that I don't verbally express myself, I just tell them "this is how I express myself best". I've never felt put down by having to express myself through a letter or email or text. So now I don't see it really as a weakness anymore. It's just how I communicate best, it's just a part of me and there is nothing wrong with that. Now you just need to find your best method. What works best for you, and come to the conclusion that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with you. Play to your strengths. Everyone respects that. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) Practice. It takes practice. Start saying no to people. Don't explain. Don't apologize. Just ... no. Once you get comfortable standing your ground in one area, expand to another area of your life. Being assertive is a skill like any other. If you're not good at it, you're going to have to practice until you get better. Just remember that people are going to criticize you either way - if you're assertive or not assertive. You can't worry about that though. Be assertive anyway. Edited March 9, 2016 by MidKnightDreams Link to post Share on other sites
burnt Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Amy, great question. I struggled with this question tremendously in my first year of work. I was told numerous times to be "assertive". Finally, I asked "what does assertive mean?". It seemed to me it was one of those words we all use so often, but maybe I don't really understand what it means. Does it mean "tough", "mean", "strong", "dictatorship", "powerful"…? Despite all my attempts to "try" to be assertive, I failed. I finally realized I became assertive, when I was better at my work, thereby I gathered more confidence and then I sounded more self-assured and finally: I appeared to be assertive. Usually we don't sound/act assertively when we ourselves are doubtful or uncertain of our self-worth or lack self-confidence. I would suggest start addressing that first. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnsmith1003 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Wasnt sure where to post this...but, I've always had trouble standing up for myself and being assertive. I'm told i'm "too nice," to the point where whoever is stating this, means that it's bad that i am. I know to a large degree that i am nice and that i allow people to walk on me. I don't want that to happen, it's just that i don't feel comfortable speaking up and don't know exactly what to say in moments that i should. Something happened at work today and it basically was the person "in charge" of me stating i couldnt speak friendly/talk to these two people who havent been performing well and that i need to stop being nice to them. I thought she was acting like a immature teenager- but it was the fact thAt i didn't even know what to say back to her that hurt me the most. I wish i had the guts to say my point in an assertive but appropriate manner. I have trouble with this all the time. I'm tired of being looked at as this weak, nice girl. I may be nice, but i know that i am also a strong individual and i refuse to keep being made fun of or looked down upon. I definitely second and third what has already been said and say "NO" when you feel you need to. I'll add something, though, that you do NOT need to explain yourself when you do. This is quintessentially the most difficult thing because you may feel you owe them an explanation. You do not. Also, don't try and find middle ground when it's not necessary. That justifies what they want even more if you don't feel it's justified for you at all. I've been battling with this sort of thing for years and I've got a great grasp on it now. It's real tough at first, but just say no when you feel something isn't right. People start to unfortunately take advantage of you when you're their go-to guinea pig. I know, I was there. But it's (very) worth the effort. A surprising thing you'll find, soon thereafter, is how much more respect you have discovered for yourself. You deserve whatever it is, before anyone else. This is a time to be somewhat selfish (and that is completely OK) to show that you are here for you, first and foremost. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 12, 2016 Share Posted March 12, 2016 Being "too nice" is often just code for being too weak and wishy-washy and not being responsible enough to direct your own life. No one respects that. You will always have people who will take advantage of your passivity, bad people. If you have a fear someone won't like you, well, a person not liking you isn't any worse than the wrong person liking you. You have a right to set standards and not accept bad behavior from others. If someone level-headed and assertive sees you putting up with stuff because you won't speak up, then they will get tired of watching you create your own problems. And remember, when someone is being mean to you or doing something manipulative, they full well know it, so there is no reason to feel sorry for them or try to not hurt them. They wouldn't do the same for you. There's books out there on assertiveness. You should try reading some and getting some practical tips. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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