Financial hell: My wife is hoarding money

[moneyhell]

So I got married to my wife about 6 months ago. We lived 2 hours apart and I convinced her that she should just move to live with me ...about 5 months into dating. She had a solid career and was very hesitant, but after many months of begging and pleading....she came. I told her I could support her financially until she found a new job. She was used to making over 6 figures, so she put a lot of pressure on herself.

 

Well, once she moved, she started getting a few freelance clients and made about half of what she was making and I could tell it was making her extremely uncomfortable.

 

But, when she moved in with me I immediately took over the finances. I gave her a credit card and said use it within reason and just have your paychecks deposited into my account. I tried adding her to my account, but because her credit was rough from a previous divorce they didn't add her with the same perks I had. She got extremely upset and said that I was controlling and difficult. I told her I am doing her a favor by supporting her and I truly felt she was being unreasonable and ungrateful. Well, I started to realize that she was hiding money from me at this point. I later discovered that if she got a client check she was not telling me or not cashing it and stashing it in her brief case.

 

This made me livid. I told her that if I am going to help support her, I deserve to have all the money in one pot. She said that she wanted to see where it was all going and I told her it doesn't work that way. I am the ceo of the "family" and we can't have 2 cooks in the kitchen.

 

Well, this didn't get better. She got her name added to the checking account (after insisting) and one day she took off and left me. She took more than half of the cash in the account and told me that she needed survival money because she up and left her career for me and that I am stingy and selfish. I eventually convinced her to come back but I also told her if she didn't...I was going to sue her for the money she took. She said that she gave me far more than she ever spent...but I don't believe that to be true at all. I spent THOUSANDS traveling to see her when dating her and I also bought her an engagement ring etc.

 

Despite all of this, we got married 6 months ago. And money continues to be a problem. I told her if she wants to take her own cash and do it on her own..fine. But, I am not bailing her out. She says that since she left a very high paying career to come live with me...it's not fair of me to tell her she has to live on what she makes only and pay half of our bills, because she was promised that I "would take care of her". That's true, but she spends a lot too.

 

Now, it's time for taxes and she has been slow to get me the w-2 and 1099s. I feel she is hiding something and I am not happy whatsoever. We continue to fight over it and she has absolutely no urgency to get the documents to me.

 

In addition, she has 2 client checks in her brief case that she hasn't cashed because she says that she wants to keep them in case we need them for taxes. I told her NO! She needs to deposit the checks because I have interest bearing debt NOW and it's a waste to have cash on hand on not pay bills with it. I got online and created a LLC for her and listed myself as treasurer and her as president. I told her I would take the checks to the bank and open the account for her....since she is SO SLOW. She went ballistic and said I was overstepping my bounds and this was HER company. I told her then she can expect me to hide money from her too... She says that she's just saving the money for taxes since she is paid gross checks -- but I don't buy it. Regardless, we can use the cash now to tide us over.

 

 

She is not listening and It's about to give me a heart attack. I have told her that I think she enjoys watching me wait and suffer until she hands over her money. She obviously likes to control and manipulate me and I don't know how to get through to her.

 

The other problem is I was just told that I will be laid off in a few months and I am desperately searching for a new job. I also told her that she will have to support us if I can't find one. And how am I supposed to trust her if she's acting this way. She says that I spend money too frequently and too easily and it makes her uneasy...and she is more conservative. NOT!

 

She says that I am the one being unreasonable... thoughts? Suggestions??

Edited March 1, 2016 by moneyhell

[MightyPen]

Dude you ARE controlling. Married couples are supposed to budget the family earnings, expenses, etc., TOGETHER.

 

You each get a vote. You don't get to be CFO and make all the decisions.

[d0nnivain]

You are both unreasonable. You had money problems before you got married. Knowing that money is the # 1 cause of divorce why oh why did you marry?

 

If you are to survive, file separate tax returns & have separate accounts.

 

Until you both learn to trust -- which can be very hard with money -- you are going no where except divorce court.

[moneyhell]

I'm just not built that way and I will be damned if I am going to get told how to run our household. She makes far less than I do and I have spent years of having excellent finances and have NEVER had the kinds of problems that she has caused. When she took all that money out of the account, I overdrafted on bills that were on direct bill pay and got TONS of late fees.

 

She says because she gives me all of her paychecks (or doesn't cash the others) she is giving me everything she has. But, how do I know? I feel she is hiding something major. I also worry when she hides stuff that she's planning to leave me again. She says no, but she was leaving me when the money was good...now she seems miserable and I"m about to lose my job.

 

I told her that we should sell MY house. I have about 200k I could profit and that way we can downsize. She supported that, but then said that we should use some of that profit to pay off the 20k in debt we have. I said NO! That money is profit from the house I had long before she came along and I see what she's doing...she wants to reduce the debt with my house income and then leave me. Absolutely not. I have already researched and found that she can't get any of this money from the house since she wasn't with me when I built it.

[Satu]

 

But, when she moved in with me *I immediately took over the finances. I gave her a credit card and said use it within reason and just have your paychecks deposited into my account. I tried adding her to my account, but because her credit was rough from a previous divorce they didn't add her with the same perks I had. **She got extremely upset and said that I was controlling and difficult.

 

*Ridiculous control freakery.

 

**She's right, you are.

[d0nnivain]

I'm just not built that way and I will be damned if I am going to get told how to run our household.

 

Doesn't she get a say? It's her household now too.

 

I get that you make better financial decisions but until you start acting like you are both on the same team, you are doomed.

[hippychick3]

I sure hope your wife is hoarding money so she can pay a lawyer to get out of what must be a living hell for her.

 

I can only imagine how much she must be regretting marrying such a controlling person.

[moneyhell]

She has a say, but I can't stand the fact that she always says she should spend money on xyz and if I object...she will say...okay, if you think it's okay....you know the finances. THEN she will come back later and say I don't think we should have done that...

 

Pretty much, I make all the decisions and she's angry that I spend too much money. I wanted to go on vacation in 2 months and she says not without a for sure job..... and I know we can swing it. But, she keeps saying she doesn't think it's a good idea. All she wants to do is spend money on her business....whcih will probably be a waste.

[Art_Critic]

She said that she wanted to see where it was all going and I told her it doesn't work that way. I am the ceo of the "family" and we can't have 2 cooks in the kitchen.

 

I think this sums up where your thought process and controlling behavior went wrong...

 

If I was your wife I'd fire the CEO

 

 

She says that I am the one being unreasonable... thoughts? Suggestions??

Yeah.. you're the issue here.. not her.. you can't control her in this fashion, Just an FYI..financial control such as this is also one of the few data points on the domestic abuse wheel....

 

Time to change your way of thinking and go at this together as a team and not a runaway rogue CEO...

[moneyhell]

I have told her if she wants to handle all of her finances...fine. But, she gets mad because I tell her I won't be helping pay for trips that I might decide to take etc..if she runs through all of her money.

 

She says that her income should be a percentage of our overall income because I make more. I told her NO. This is not obamacare...and I want a 50 50 spit. That's only fair.

 

I don't understand how anyone could fault me for that. She is angry because she says she made a lot more and she would have never left her career if she knew that she was going to have to pay bills like this.

[dreamingoftigers]

She has a say, but I can't stand the fact that she always says she should spend money on xyz and if I object...she will say...okay, if you think it's okay....you know the finances. THEN she will come back later and say I don't think we should have done that...

 

Pretty much, I make all the decisions and she's angry that I spend too much money. I wanted to go on vacation in 2 months and she says not without a for sure job..... and I know we can swing it. But, she keeps saying she doesn't think it's a good idea. All she wants to do is spend money on her business....whcih will probably be a waste.

 

Go to MC and get some serious IC for your control and money issues.

 

I know two men like this: one is my father and the other is my employer.

 

Both are terrible husbands and act like they are "Captain of the Ship." Well guess what? It's supposed to be a PARTNERSHIP, not a subversion.

 

She left a six-figure job for your controlling behavior. And now you are going to boss her around about what she can or can't have? Get real.

 

If it's all about having "one CEO" THEN MAYBE ITS HER TURN, you are about to capsize the ship.

 

Time to look up anything by Gottmann AND The Verbally Abusive Relationship so you can see the dynamics at play.

Edited March 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Art_Critic]

seems to me that unless you get your controlling behavior under wraps and deal with this in a nice fashion as a husband you will be in divorce court very soon.. just saying...

[Satu]

Where I unfortunate enough to be she, I would leave you in a heartbeat.

 

 

You are emotionally abusive.

 

 

 

If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behaviour, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse:

 

 

1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.

 

2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.

 

3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.

 

4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.

 

5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.

 

6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.

 

7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.

 

8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.

 

9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.

 

10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.

 

11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.

 

12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.

 

13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.

 

14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.

 

15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.

 

16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.

 

17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.

 

18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.

 

19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.

 

20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.

 

21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.

 

22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.

 

23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.

 

24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.

 

25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.

 

26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.

 

27. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.

 

28. They share personal information about you with others.

 

29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.

 

30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.

[dreamingoftigers]

seems to me that unless you get your controlling behavior under wraps and deal with this in a nice fashion as a husband you will be in divorce court very soon.. just saying...

 

Good thing for her that she's doesn't fully trust someone with this type of conflict-handling skills who acts like it's a "favor" to support the wife he insisted drop a six-figure salary and move to marry him.

[moneyhell]

That's the other thing I must address: She keeps telling me (during fights) that I ruined her life because she made all these sacrifices for me and that I am causing her so much trouble.

 

She constantly makes me feel like shi*. I feel I have given her a very nice life and she appears to regret it.

 

Her other issue with me is that I get text alerts when the credit card is swiped. The other day I saw a 25 dollar charge come through from the nail salon she goes through. I immediately texted because I thought maybe they were scamming me. She got mad and said she can't even get her eyebrows fixed without being monitored or watched. I told her I just wanted to make sure it was her.

 

She constantly tells me that she goes over a month for a manicure now ( I told her it wasn't necessary at all and she's wasting money). She says that she looks a mess and is far less the professional image she used to be because I criticize the expenses.