4 months have passed

[cupcakebunny]

This is typical gaslighting behavior. He's trying to excuse the cheating so he doesn't have to own up for it.

 

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this and I would understand that even after the cheating you would want to try to work through it and save the marriage, but he doesn't seem interested. Though it hurts and will hurt for a while, this is a blessing. What he is doing is manipulative and even though if you did some of those things, it doesn't excuse his behavior. The marriage is toxic and it sounds like he's giving you an easy out. I would take it.

[sandylee1]

Tell him you should proceed with divorce quickly.

 

The following will help you:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not buy gifts

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not say you love him

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

15. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

16. You need to let him know that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, without your spouse.

17. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

 

 

- Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

- Be strong and confident.

 

- Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

[sandylee1]

Tell him you should proceed with divorce quickly.

 

The following will help you:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not buy gifts*

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not say you love him

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing*

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

15. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

16. You need to let him know that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, without your spouse.

17. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

 

 

- Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

- Be strong and confident.

 

- Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

[Parannonx]

Whether or not you were abusive to him, he's being abusive to you. Cheating and all the lying, victim blaming and gas lighting is abuse.

 

While I don't believe the old once a cheater always a cheater saw, I do believe that unless someone is able to own their behavior they are incapable of change.

 

Unless there are children involved I see no reason for you to give any more energy to this relationship.

 

The choice to cheat is on him, if you were abusive and controlling (I doubt that you were) then he should have divorced you.

 

You are not responsible, you didn't force him or push him to cheat. He made that choice and then found justifications to rationalize what he knew was a bad choice.

 

He's shown no evidence of remorse or guilt for his choice, get rid of him. There are literally billions of men out there, you are not stuck with this one.

 

FYI check out the infidelity help group Login

 

Read through the articles and threads that should help you cut through all his bull****.

[nobscupid]

I have been with husband 7 years..3 dating, 3 living together and 1 married.

Shortly after marriage we drifted apart due to family involvement, work, wedding stress, and arguments. Our sex life deteriorated once we started living together….soon after marriage 5th month he cheats. I discovered it 2 months later. He denied it as I only found txts and chat logs and states it was only that. One of the emails from her I saw encouraged him to leave the house for taking perspective of the situation for everyone involved. Next day he messages after work saying he is not coming home and he needs space. He disappears for 3 days. I had a friend talk to him and we all talked together.

In our talk, he started saying I treated him badly, disrespected his family, controlled him, manipulated him, and tortured him every day. He indicated that I check his emails and phones. Well, I happened to bump into his email as it was open the day I saw all. He claimed it was only that in front of his friend.

We go back home together. He says he wants space and slept in the couch. I was devastated. I asked him to tell me the truth. He said he did cheat as a one-time thing as he was frustrated and angry at me and I pushed him away. Two days later he left the house. He would not pick my msgs or texts etc. Finally, he contacts me after 2 weeks or so and we meet. He then claims that I am abusive woman who was both verbally and physically abusive.

I am torn because I do know certain things he says are true. He says I pushed him out of the bed and it was a fight we had where he ended up in the couch. Now, these fights were right before I discovered the cheating. Also he claims I compared him with people and many things which I don’t even recall to be true. Now 3 months later, he wants divorce…still lives with her…and still claim I am a verbally abusive woman for 7 years! He states that after marriage I would change.

Now I am outspoken, speak my mind, and give my opinions freely. I don’t think I am abusive but then I cannot deny I did fight with him. My problem is I don’t keep grudges for small things which apparently he was doing so.

I have been for Counselling and talked to them about all and they don’t think I am abusive. I have gone through a lot in a very short period of time. I wanted to even save the marriage but never got an opportunity. He is not remorseful of anything.

Any thoughts out there are welcome…

 

Yeah what you are sharing here is just your side of the story.

 

Not his.

 

Which is not fair.

 

If he cheated he's a chump for doing that but here is the reality . . .

 

Let me know if I'm wrong but I highly doubt it . . .

 

You got lazy . . .

You don't look good for him anymore . . .

You ARE controlling

You ARE disrespectful to his personal family matters which to be serious, you have NOTHING to do with He had his family before you. Way before meeting you.

 

And the list goes on . . .

 

When someone cheats, it's still not bad but if they leave easy clues for someone to find out, it's a cry for help. It means they are done with you.

 

It's done.

 

I'm also willing to bet that you are a very stubborn person and you drove this dude over the edge.

 

Give us more details . . .

 

Age of both.

Was he a ladies man before you met him?

etc

[Parannonx]

Yeah what you are sharing here is just your side of the story.

 

Not his.

 

Which is not fair.

 

If he cheated he's a chump for doing that but here is the reality . . .

 

Let me know if I'm wrong but I highly doubt it . . .

 

You got lazy . . .

You don't look good for him anymore . . .

You ARE controlling

You ARE disrespectful to his personal family matters which to be serious, you have NOTHING to do with He had his family before you. Way before meeting you.

 

And the list goes on . . .

 

When someone cheats, it's still not bad but if they leave easy clues for someone to find out, it's a cry for help. It means they are done with you.

 

It's done.

 

I'm also willing to bet that you are a very stubborn person and you drove this dude over the edge.

 

Give us more details . . .

 

Age of both.

Was he a ladies man before you met him?

etc

 

What a bunch of nonsense.

 

There is no excuse for cheating, period, it's a selfish unethical act that is 100% related to the character of the cheater.

 

If she was really so awful (which I doubt) the ethical thing to have done would have been to bring it up to her or ask for a divorce.

 

What he did instead was change the terms of their relationship without the decency of letting her know. Thus stealing from her the ability to make choices regarding her mental and physical health.

 

It's selfish entitled abusive behavior, no marriage is perfect, but in general they are seldom as awful as a cheater claims. Usually their complaints are exaggerated or post hoc rationalizations to soothe their conscience and convince themselves that they are not the selfish inconsiderate disrespectful ******* they are acting like.

[HereNorThere]

Yeah what you are sharing here is just your side of the story.

 

Not his.

 

Which is not fair.

 

If he cheated he's a chump for doing that but here is the reality . . .

 

Let me know if I'm wrong but I highly doubt it . . .

 

You got lazy . . .

You don't look good for him anymore . . .

You ARE controlling

You ARE disrespectful to his personal family matters which to be serious, you have NOTHING to do with He had his family before you. Way before meeting you.

 

And the list goes on . . .

 

When someone cheats, it's still not bad but if they leave easy clues for someone to find out, it's a cry for help. It means they are done with you.

 

It's done.

 

I'm also willing to bet that you are a very stubborn person and you drove this dude over the edge.

 

Give us more details . . .

 

Age of both.

Was he a ladies man before you met him?

etc

 

What a bunch of victim-blaming and bad advice.

 

Look, you forfeit your right to pursue other people once you get married. Yes, even if your spouse gains weight. Did you forget about the "for better or worse" in the marriage vows? You really shouldn't even be fantasizing about other people because that will only drive you mad. You have to accept that part is completely done. I think a lot of marriage partners actually find that to be a relief.

 

What if your spouse gets disfigured in an accident? Would you use that against your spouse and justify cheating on them? I could go on and on, but it seems like you have a very similar personality to other waywards. It's like you don't understand that once you get married, the dating life and everything with it over.

 

However, even though I completely disagree with you, I think it's important for other posters to get a glimpse into the cheating mindset. As you can see, people who justify infidelity really just don't want to give up dating and thrill of new people. For some reason they feel entitled to it. A spouse is like a new car to them. Once it has a few miles and couple dents in the bumper, it's time to trade in for a new model.

[66Charger]

It doesnt matter if you dont think you were abusive, he did. There is no gas lighting here. No lies to save the marriage or his own skin. You caught him, he moved out and stayed out and now wants a divorce. Whatever your behaviour was preaffair, this doesnt appear to be garden variety cheating. This is a exit affair. Some speculate, and Cheating doesnt excuse the abuse, but if you were, why are you surprised?

 

Regardless, this guy is gone and probably isnt coming back. Divorce will probaly be a relief for you both.

 

Sometimes, you just don't fit, especially if you fight all the time.

[Parannonx]

It doesnt matter if you dont think you were abusive, he did. There is no gas lighting here. No lies to save the marriage or his own skin. You caught him, he moved out and stayed out and now wants a divorce. Whatever your behaviour was preaffair, this doesnt appear to be garden variety cheating. This is a exit affair. Some speculate, and Cheating doesnt excuse the abuse, but if you were, why are you surprised?

 

Regardless, this guy is gone and probably isnt coming back. Divorce will probaly be a relief for you both.

 

Sometimes, you just don't fit, especially if you fight all the time.

 

You are full of something and it isn't wisdom.

 

If you want out of a relationship, you get out of the relationship, you do not dip your toes into the waters to make sure that the temperature suits you. You say, Hey I'm out of here. And you have the decency to treat them with the respect that they deserve as a fellow human being, particularly one that you claim to have once loved.

[66Charger]

That is your opinion, which is worth about what you are full of. Speculate all you want. But dont be so ignorant as to assume this one sided story is factual. I clearly said IN ENGLISH that cheating doesnt excuse anything. But if you treat someone poorly, dont be surprised you get divorce papers.

Edited February 4, 2016 by 66Charger

[Parannonx]

That is your opinion, which is worth about what you are full of. Speculate all you want. But dont be so ignorant as to assume this one sided story is factual. I clearly said IN ENGLISH that cheating doesnt excuse anything. But if you treat someone poorly, dont be surprised you get divorce papers.

 

You need to work on your reading comprehension.

 

The boyfriend took his script straight out of the cheaters handbook. Deny, lie deflect and blame shift.

 

Textbook gas lighting and rewriting of history.

 

Telling the poster that she deserved to be cheated on is both wrong and hateful.

 

They were dating 6 years prior to getting married, if she had been as abusive and controlling as you imply why did he marry her? Surely the relationship and personality traits that he found so onerous would have manifested at some point in those 6 years.

 

If she was really so awful, why did he not address those concerns prior to cheating?

 

The reason is that it's cheater think, post hoc rationalizations to justify his behavior to himself. The lies he embraced to convince himself that he wasn't the bad guy that he knows that he is.

[HereNorThere]

The marital history rewrite is just par for the course with cheaters. It's AMAZING how they all do the exact same thing. That why I suspect that cheating has a strong genetic component. We've found genes that correlate with novelty and thrill seeking behaviors and infidelity. Like most things, I'm sure it's a combination of biology, psychology and sociology, but it's just so weird how similar cheaters are. The fog must be extremely strong because the people build a whole new reality around their cheating. The best thing we can do is pick up on these personality traits. If you're dating someone who constantly rationalizes, it's a dead give away that they will one day rationalize something horrible. Some people just can't handle how raw the truth is. You rarely ever get a cheater to stand up and say "I am bad person." Most of them will never admit to anything negative.

 

It's sad, but it's also kind of thrilling to watch it all come down on top of them. It may look like a castle, but it's really just paper, glue and chopsticks and crashes down with the smallest gust of wind.

[66Charger]

First of all, whatever your name is, I can read in several languages and interpret what I wish. I am not you and am not required to think your way. Think and write what you wish and I will do the same. I am not sure who you think you are to say someones opinion is nonsence or full of "non wisdom? .

 

My point is this reads like a exit affair. He has been gone for 7 months. Not a lot of gas lighting, just a "no thank you maam, lets get a divorce" You can Google exit affair if you wish.

 

Edited for civility.

Edited February 4, 2016 by 66Charger

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah what you are sharing here is just your side of the story.

 

Not his.

 

Which is not fair.

 

If he cheated he's a chump for doing that but here is the reality . . .

 

Let me know if I'm wrong but I highly doubt it . . .

 

You got lazy . . .

You don't look good for him anymore . . .

You ARE controlling

You ARE disrespectful to his personal family matters which to be serious, you have NOTHING to do with He had his family before you. Way before meeting you.

 

And the list goes on . . .

 

When someone cheats, it's still not bad but if they leave easy clues for someone to find out, it's a cry for help. It means they are done with you.

 

It's done.

 

I'm also willing to bet that you are a very stubborn person and you drove this dude over the edge.

 

Give us more details . . .

 

Age of both.

Was he a ladies man before you met him?

etc

 

Pfft. Statistically its the "over benefitting" spouse that cheats.

 

You know, the entitled one?

 

If people seriously feel neglected within the relationship with enough just cause and effort, they typically leave.

 

I hope that OP is stubborn, and becomes even more so against accepting the cheater's garbage or any responsibility for his garbage actions.

 

Nice re-victimization of the victim though. If I ever need someone to tell an abuse victim 'what you do to make him hit you,' I'll be sure to look you up.

[dreamingoftigers]

The marital history rewrite is just par for the course with cheaters. It's AMAZING how they all do the exact same thing. That why I suspect that cheating has a strong genetic component. We've found genes that correlate with novelty and thrill seeking behaviors and infidelity. Like most things, I'm sure it's a combination of biology, psychology and sociology, but it's just so weird how similar cheaters are. The fog must be extremely strong because the people build a whole new reality around their cheating. The best thing we can do is pick up on these personality traits. If you're dating someone who constantly rationalizes, it's a dead give away that they will one day rationalize something horrible. Some people just can't handle how raw the truth is. You rarely ever get a cheater to stand up and say "I am bad person." Most of them will never admit to anything negative.

 

It's sad, but it's also kind of thrilling to watch it all come down on top of them. It may look like a castle, but it's really just paper, glue and chopsticks and crashes down with the smallest gust of wind.

 

It's kind of funny. I always say "there must just be one MM out there who gets around A LOT, because I swear it's the same damn guy."

 

Almost every time I read the OW/OM forum it reads like same script, different OW.

 

Gotta say, glad my husband stopped sounding like less of a "cycle" and more like a human being.

[Parannonx]

First of all, whatever your name is, I can read in several languages and interpret what I wish. I am not you and am not required to think your way. Think and write what you wish and I will do the same. I am not sure who you think you are to say someones opinion is nonsence or full of "non wisdom? .

 

My point is this reads like a exit affair. He has been gone for 7 months. Not a lot of gas lighting, just a "no thank you maam, lets get a divorce" You can Google exit affair if you wish.

 

Edited for civility.

 

Well apparently you are illiterate in multiple languages. The OP clearly stated that her husband initially denied the affair telling her that she was controlling for being suspicious and checking his email /text (which is where she found the evidence BTW) trying to convince her that she was wrong to be suspicious which is precisely the definition of gas lighting.

 

It wasn't until he was busted that he started blame shifting and rewriting history and trying to dodge responsibility for his choice to cheat by blaming it on her.

 

As far as it being an exit affair, who cares? Cheating doesn't suddenly become ok if it's an exit affair. If you don't want to be in a relationship anymore, the ethical decent and respectful thing to do is tell the other person that you want out, not find a soft landing then blindside your significant other. This is someone who you supposedly cared enough for to marry, you should at least have enough respect to be honest with them.

 

Cheating speaks to the character of the cheater, and what it says is never complimentary.

[Parannonx]

The marital history rewrite is just par for the course with cheaters. It's AMAZING how they all do the exact same thing. That why I suspect that cheating has a strong genetic component. We've found genes that correlate with novelty and thrill seeking behaviors and infidelity. Like most things, I'm sure it's a combination of biology, psychology and sociology, but it's just so weird how similar cheaters are. The fog must be extremely strong because the people build a whole new reality around their cheating. The best thing we can do is pick up on these personality traits. If you're dating someone who constantly rationalizes, it's a dead give away that they will one day rationalize something horrible. Some people just can't handle how raw the truth is. You rarely ever get a cheater to stand up and say "I am bad person." Most of them will never admit to anything negative.

 

It's sad, but it's also kind of thrilling to watch it all come down on top of them. It may look like a castle, but it's really just paper, glue and chopsticks and crashes down with the smallest gust of wind.

 

Rationalization is not something unique to cheaters, it's something that we all do in order to deal with the cognitive dissonance when our actions and choices don't match our purported beliefs and self image.

 

Most people, cheaters included don't think of themselves as bad people, so when they find the behaving in ways that they know are not consistent with "good" behavior they will rationalize and excuse their actions. Often by demonizing their victim (aka the faithful partner). The reason why they bear so much resemblance to each other is that there really are only a limited number of excuses they can use.

 

What people refer to as affair fog is just the fuzzy thinking that results from living in the lies of their rationalizations.

 

It's fuzzy because it's based on lies, the first lie the cheater tells is to themselves. Which is why I believe that cheating is a sign of a lack of self respect. Lying is the most disrespectful behavior most people engage in, lying to yourself means that you don't respect yourself and if you don't respect yourself how can you respect others?

[HereNorThere]

Rationalization may be not be unique cheaters, but some people (like myself) simply aren't capable of living in a complete fantasy land. Just like how atheists do not believe in the multiple gods available to worship. We simply cannot convince ourselves of something that isn't true. Sure, everyone bends reality to a certain degree, but if you had video of me doing something, I'd just throw my hands up and say "okay, you caught me." A lot of cheaters will deny even when they are caught dead to rights. You could literally catch one having sex with their AP and they would say "who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?"

 

There a certain personality types that rationalize everything. Always trying to find a silver lining or reason that something isn't as it is. They could destroy multiple families and instead of an apology, you'd hear something like "everything happens for a reason" or "don't you want me to be happy?" They simply cannot face the truth and that's not normal human behavior. I've done some appalling things in my life, but I own them. I'm honest about the horrific ******* I've been before.

 

The fog is the product of an overexcited brain full of pleasure making chemicals. Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, etc. create a temporary state of obsessive compulsive disorder and addiction. (Google it)

 

The part I don't understand about cheaters is that everyone knows about the trap of the honey moon phase of a relationship. Anyone who has dated knows that the first few months of a relationship aren't "real." The obsession always wears of and then you truly get to know the person. I guess the crux of it is that I'm expecting a cheater to act like a rational adult when they are neither rational or an adult.

[Love2015]

Thank you all so much for your feedback. Going through everything here is what I have to say...

 

He is definitely controlling the situation. .he decided to cheat even though till a month prior to doing so we wee trying to have babies which included going to the fertility clinic together. He now dissapeared as in I don't know where he lives. .no one in common does either except for knowing he lives with that girl. He pretty much got up and all that is familiar to him was left behind. He communicates only when he wants to and still has the keys to the house. I have asked for these back for my own security. (at this point by law I cannot change locks without a court order). He comes and goes when I am not around even after requesting not to do this. We own a property together which we need to figure it out. .I have consulted to know my rights and the best bet for us is to just sit and divide all amicably. Not once before he said I was abusive in his life! That was the first thing he said once he left! He keeps on asking me who all I told and gets very upset and angry to know I seek support from family and friends.

He states to me and common people thay he loved me and wanted to be forever and have a family with me but now after my attitude he just can't do it and he adds that even if we fix it soon again I will become the same...same goes for going to Counselling together. Not once does he focus on the cheating and fact that he lives with that girl. I tried to even contact her...maybe have a 3 way conversation when in confusion. ..I was for a while in limbo...but she also does not reply. I think this was stupid of me now...he is not sorry at all for cheating. He claims his vows were real ?

 

For Sandy: where did u get the list of what not to do?

 

For nobscupid: to answer no I am not lazy at all...always doing several things...always trying for him to do things together. ..I continued gym and fitness programs and was looking to open a business together...controlling? if inviting this girl to the wedding ..acknowledging their friendship and even allowing them to see each other thinking they r just friends is controlling then you make ur pick...I trusted him..I trusted our love for each other

Disrespectful to family? Is speaking truth or when ur feelings are being hurt disrespectful then yes...is bending to please them and make them happy when they visited Disrespectful? I accommodated all their wants! The hubby even shared my income with them! I think that is Disrespectful! Anyways ...I got to know that they started telling him behind my back how they think we r not for each other as soon as we got married....what for? And to me they showed all nice as if they liked me!

He always had many friends that are girls...

I can agree looking at all that it is an exit affair ...he cheated to get out not as a mistake which is what he was trying to make me believe all this time!

 

When asked why he married he says to me and friends...he loved me..he was genuine..I deserved to be married..and he thought after marriage I would change. if anything whatever I am ..For that last 6 years he knew! If not he should have never proposed...there was not even pressure for that! In fact, he pushed for getting married to go with what his family wanted. ..to have babies we have to be married....not my belief but I agreed for love!

I entered this marriage thinking one thing with all my cards on the table and got a bluff in return!

Edited February 4, 2016 by Love2015

[sandylee1]

Regarding the locks....one BW in your position changed the locks after 'finding' a broken window after her spare keys went 'missing'....so she had a legitimate reason to change the locks as she feared thieves would burgle her home.

 

She reported the keys missing..just in case her ex kicked off. She was a smart woman. ...you need to get creative and be safe.

 

The list is called the 180. You implement it to move on with your life. It's available in many forms online.

[turnera]

I was just going to say the same thing. Call a locksmith, change the locks, and if anyone asks, simply say you feel unsafe with another set of keys out somewhere in the world (you don't know what he did with them), so you changed the locks. Next time he tries to come in the house and can't get in, THEN after he contacts you, you can give him a new set of keys.

 

And then promptly call the locksmith out again and have it rekeyed again.

 

And so on.

 

Stop letting him control your life.

[Love2015]

OMG...I have done the whole 180 ...NC at all..and it hurts.....

 

I cry every single day...although I am also able to see bright side of life as well...the crazy thing is I realize I love him even after all...what is wrong with me? I would have preferred trying Counselling and saving our marriage...

 

I fear that if he comes back..I would take him back...although that has not happened....anyone out there who has worked on their marriage...rebuilt trust..worked with a therapist on any possible abuse issues together?

 

[turnera]

What are you doing to replace thoughts of him with new stuff? Exercising? Volunteering? Therapy? Going out with friends? Joining a sports team or a club of some sort? If you're not working to make your life better, he's all you're going to think of.

[Love2015]

It's been 4 months now since he left to live with the OM. He still tells people around I have disrespected him and his family and that was a deal breaker for him. We met two weeks ago where he says he has made peace with his choices however if that is the case ... I see no reason why not move forward with the legal aspect. We had decided to do it on our own as it is a simple divorce. After our meeting, he does not reply to simple msgs about financial ties or about his stuff still in the house. His profile pic in Facebook and Cover photo still has our wedding pic and his parents. I have kindly requested for him to remove it. Instead, I hear how he is going around saying how "bad" I was.

I can't believe that the person who once was my best friend...is today so mean and I feel crazy with all his not answering in normal way to things! I seriously feel if he has moved on why not just do it properly? I am also dealing with my own emotional state of loss of a marriage, dreams and love. What is all this? NC is ok but I have desperate moments when he says bad stuff...and it is pretty nasty including how "I didn't give him sex and so was controlling him and was abusive" Now...not true I was open to sex..always was...

[strugglinghubby]

He is still trying to blameshift, still trying to control you. Break free from him, yes it hurts to think about what might have been if your M had worked out. But you can't control someone else actions or the person they are. Look at things from a different perspective, how would you feel if you went on living your life in an illusion, you have kids with this man, then one day in the later years of your life you find out what he had been up to behind your back for your entire life. What a shallow, illusory, false life you would've led. Imagine how you would feel, knowing that you've wasted your whole life on a man who has never loved you back.

 

Lucky for you, you will never have to face in to this. You have realized the type of man he is early enough to still go an live a fulfilled life. Finalize your split, and go live your life. Put this dark chapter behind you and thank god that you found out early enough to still have a shot at creating a wonderful life for yourself.