Meeting one of MM's work colleagues openly as his OW

[SolG]

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a sporting accident playing touch football under lights. I miscalculated a dive and pretty much landed on my face :-/ Ended up with a head contusion and sprained wrist. Not serious... but a lot of blood (as there always is with facial injuries) and I was carted away in an ambulance and spent some time in hospital for treatment and under observation because of the risk of concussion. No concussion thank goodness, but the lump and magnificent shiner are still fading and I'm going to have a great scar on my forehead!

 

Now the friend that came with me to hospital is a bit of a panic merchant. I think the amount of blood and swelling frightened him a bit. And unbeknownst to me, while I was being treated in emergency he sent a text to my MM. It was pretty much along the lines of, 'Sol is in emergency. There's a lot of blood. I think she'll be ok. Getting treated now. Will let you know more soon'.

 

Meanwhile MM is overseas and receives said text when just about to go into a really big, important meeting with the client. He texts back saying, 'Update me as soon as you know anything. Here are the cell numbers for Sol's daughter and brother'.

 

My ditzy panicky friend then forgets all about it as he's tutting and catastrophizing over/with me. Both our phones are on silent because we're in a hospital. And MM is outside a boardroom on the other side of the world having a quiet panic attack worrying. His team HR specialist (who has worked for him for about three years now and is brilliant) noticed and asked him what was wrong; because he NEVER appears stressed at work. And he told her exactly what was going on!

 

Obviously only the Readers Digest version... but he told her that I'm his AP--she knows me, I see her when I visit him at work and have from time to time run into her around the company traps--that we've been in an A for more than 5 years and that I'm in hospital and he has no idea what's going on and is worried sick.

 

She apparently doesn't skip a beat, empathises and thanks him for trusting her enough to tell her. And then uber-efficiently gets on the phone to the admin team and tasks them with finding all flights to my city over the next 24 hours and a list of all hospitals in my city with their numbers; to be emailed by the end of their meeting.

 

It wasn't until I got home and took my cell out of my handbag and saw the five million texts and missed calls did I even realise that MM knew. I would never have bothered him for what was at the end of the day a pretty superficial injury, especially given what he had on his agenda that day, and would have just waited for our next call to fill him in. I texted my friend to work out how that had happened... he was a bit sheepish about the fact that he forgot to tell me or follow up with MM :-/ He too had the gazillion missed calls and texts and was actually on the phone to MM--who was not long out of his meeting--at that moment apologizing and filling him in.

 

MM called me straight after tha and we Skyped so he could see the injuries. And he was so cranky with me! I'm sure you've all had the angry don't you ever do that to me again speech from a loved one at some time or another when you've scared them.

 

It wasn't actually until the next day that he let me know he'd told his HR specialist about us and how that occurred. He was so emotional and then tired later that he forgot he had until she later asked him how I was doing. He said she expressed that she'd like to join he and I and a few of our close friends who know about us for a dinner he told her we're planning next time he and his exec team (of which she is a part) are in town, which will be late this month. And he wants her, as a really respected and trusted member of his team, to come along and meet me properly.

 

I'm feeling a bit weird about it for some reason. It feels odd that he's told someone all on his own, he's never done that before. I understand the context of the disclosure warranted it for his piece of mind... but still. I think part of me likes being the one who has always had control over who we tell; maybe that's it. And also that it's not someone who is a mutual friend like all the others who know; I don't already have a friend type relationship with her. And frankly I'm nervous about meeting her in this capacity as opposed to work; tbh I'm worried about what she'll think of me and want to make a good impression... but I'm the AP.

 

Have any of you other OW been through something like this? What happened?

Edited March 1, 2016 by SolG

[Maddieandtae]

Telling people will ultimately bring the affair right into public eye. I don't remember if the married mans wife knows of your affair. I seem to think so which I'm thinking than you both are not worried about an D-Day occurring. Are you perhaps worried that with people, specifically woman knowing the married man has affairs that he may get other offers and that this will change the dynamics of what is acceptable to you in your affair relationship with this married man? I imagine with this situation being more in the public eye that you could be open for criticism and judgement from people that you would rather not know. I'm not judging I'm just going by past experience of what I went through and how awful the consequences were for me. I was the married one and the other man was single. His consequences were probably not the same as mine I can only imagine as being the single one but I'm sure he experienced it as well. People knew because a trusted few were told which is so silly because not a one of us were trustful people and it was repeated as juicy gossip is as well as other people expecting me to behave with them as I did with the single guy. Many people have very strong opinions on affairs and the people who have them. People knowing will completely change their views of you and some of those views will be so hurtful and damaging:(

[Liam1]

A few weeks ago I had a bit of a sporting accident playing touch football under lights. I miscalculated a dive and pretty much landed on my face :-/ Ended up with a head contusion and sprained wrist. Not serious... but a lot of blood (as there always is with facial injuries) and I was carted away in an ambulance and spent some time in hospital for treatment and under observation because of the risk of concussion. No concussion thank goodness, but the lump and magnificent shiner are still fading and I'm going to have a great scar on my forehead!

 

Now the friend that came with me to hospital is a bit of a panic merchant. I think the amount of blood and swelling frightened him a bit. And unbeknownst to me, while I was being treated in emergency he sent a text to my MM. It was pretty much along the lines of, 'Sol is in emergency. There's a lot of blood. I think she'll be ok. Getting treated now. Will let you know more soon'.

 

Meanwhile MM is overseas and receives said text when just about to go into a really big, important meeting with the client. He texts back saying, 'Update me as soon as you know anything. Here are the cell numbers for Sol's daughter and brother'.

 

My ditzy panicky friend then forgets all about it as he's tutting and catastrophizing over/with me. Both our phones are on silent because we're in a hospital. And MM is outside a boardroom on the other side of the world having a quiet panic attack worrying. His team HR specialist (who has worked for him for about three years now and is brilliant) noticed and asked him what was wrong; because he NEVER appears stressed at work. And he told her exactly what was going on!

 

Obviously only the Readers Digest version... but he told her that I'm his AP--she knows me, I see her when I visit him at work and have from time to time run into her around the company traps--that we've been in an A for more than 5 years and that I'm in hospital and he has no idea what's going on and is worried sick.

 

She apparently doesn't skip a beat, empathises and thanks him for trusting her enough to tell her. And then uber-efficiently gets on the phone to the admin team and tasks them with finding all flights to my city over the next 24 hours and a list of all hospitals in my city with their numbers; to be emailed by the end of their meeting.

 

It wasn't until I got home and took my cell out of my handbag and saw the five million texts and missed calls did I even realise that MM knew. I would never have bothered him for what was at the end of the day a pretty superficial injury, especially given what he had on his agenda that day, and would have just waited for our next call to fill him in. I texted my friend to work out how that had happened... he was a bit sheepish about the fact that he forgot to tell me or follow up with MM :-/ He too had the gazillion missed calls and texts and was actually on the phone to MM--who was not long out of his meeting--at that moment apologizing and filling him in.

 

MM called me straight after tha and we Skyped so he could see the injuries. And he was so cranky with me! I'm sure you've all had the angry don't you ever do that to me again speech from a loved one at some time or another when you've scared them.

 

It wasn't actually until the next day that he let me know he'd told his HR specialist about us and how that occurred. He was so emotional and then tired later that he forgot he had until she later asked him how I was doing. He said she expressed that she'd like to join he and I and a few of our close friends who know about us for a dinner he told her we're planning next time he and his exec team (of which she is a part) are in town, which will be late this month. And he wants her, as a really respected and trusted member of his team, to come along and meet me properly.

 

I'm feeling a bit weird about it for some reason. It feels odd that he's told someone all on his own, he's never done that before. I understand the context of the disclosure warranted it for his piece of mind... but still. I think part of me likes being the one who has always had control over who we tell; maybe that's it. And also that it's not someone who is a mutual friend like all the others who know; I don't already have a friend type relationship with her. And frankly I'm nervous about meeting her in this capacity as opposed to work; tbh I'm worried about what she'll think of me and want to make a good impression... but I'm the AP.

 

Have any of you other OW been through something like this? What happened?

 

Is he still married?

 

So when is he planning to leave his wife, if he does not love her?

 

Concern and love are two different things.

 

Maybe you need to ask him to dig deep about why he is still married, if he is.

[Olive1212]

It's a great bargaining chip for her when it's time for pay reviews or she decides she wants a promotion.

[Dancewithme]

I read some of your past threads to know what was up before I offered an opinion.

 

You sound like a very smart, sharp, together kind of lady. But on the other hand, you've been involved in this long term, off and on, somewhat blatant affair that in the past has had you sometimes ambivalent about the relationship with him.

 

So, I guess my questions are: what's in it for you now? Has he left his wife yet, or are they doing that "separated under the same roof" thingy he talked about? Do you want to be known in his professional circles as his OW? How does that reflect on him? How will it reflect on you and your professional reputation? If his wife doesn't know, she will soon, that's a lot of folks who now know a juicy secret like that.

 

An executive friend used to joke that within his organization, if you were perceived to be a lame horse, you were shot. Meaning, any perceived weakness you had could be used against you, to your detriment. My guess is, this info about his personal life that people on his team now know can be used against him, or as leverage to get what they want. In the major industries around where I live, I've heard of that happening all the time.

 

How do you feel about his colleagues knowing you are his OW?

[Sassy Girl]

Reality is, this will do more damage to your reputation than his. Sucks, but it's true.

[Ms. Faust]

All this over a bruise and a sprained wrist?

I think your MM overstepped some professional and personal boundaries, but really it is going to be dependent on the comfort level of the HR lady and his work environment.

Edited March 1, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[ChickiePops]

She works in HR. What he says to her is meant to be confidential. I wouldn't read into anything he does unless he gets divorced honestly.

[Sassy Girl]

She works in HR. What he says to her is meant to be confidential. I wouldn't read into anything he does unless he gets divorced honestly.

 

No. HR Managers work for the organisation. They are under no obligation to keep secrets of this nature. They're not doctors or therapists.

[sandylee1]

No. HR Managers work for the organisation. They are under no obligation to keep secrets of this nature. They're not doctors or therapists.

 

If it doesn't impact on his work..there is no need to divulge it to anyone.

Women are always looked at worse than men in affairs... no matter how you spin it.

 

There's an expectation of a higher standard.

 

Honestly.. if I was told such a secret.. I wouldn't say anything to anyone at work.. but I'd not think highly of either party from there on. He'd loose respect in my eyes.

 

I had a senior manager at work in an A....and honestly I got the shivers when he came close to me.... he made me feel rather uneasy once I knew.

[13Hearts]

Have any of you other OW been through something like this? What happened?

 

No, I haven't been through that but XMM and I did talk about it once very briefly regarding the company Xmas party. I guess he thought better of it, or had an AP at work too and didn't want to cause himself any trouble.

 

He did reveal our relationship to his brother, and put him on the phone with me once for some reason, but I figured it was just another ruse of his to get me to believe his bull. It's amazing how a grown man can be so much like a toddler who doesn't realize you can see the cookie crumbs on his shirt when he tells you No, he wasn't eating cookies.

[Sub]

It all seems a little odd. Like you said, you don't really know her (the hr person). But she seems very eager, like,"Oh! This is your OW? I want to meet her. We HAVE to hang out! Can I come to the dinner you guys set up?" I think some people like being on the inside of whatever drama they can find. She's on the inside now, apparently. She's in-the-know about this juicy tidbit. I can understand why you'd want more control of the info.

 

And I've read you describe him as a FB. Yet your friend has his number and feels comfortable reaching out to him on your behalf while he's overseas. It all sounds more serious than that. Or you guys are just on different pages.

[HappyAgain2014]

What a horrific lapse of judgment he has made disclosing this to anyone at work. HR? His leadership stock just took a dive.

 

This is more than confessing to an affair to a subordinate or coworker. This person is now in a position to keep a secret when she saw firsthand how the situation affected him at work.

 

At best, he looks like a cheater who can't keep it together. Worst? Depending on the culture, he might get the boot.

 

I get the feeling you're flattered by this. In fact, it's just another example of his crappy judgement. I'd be mortified.

[ChickiePops]

No. HR Managers work for the organisation. They are under no obligation to keep secrets of this nature. They're not doctors or therapists.

 

Huh. The HR person at my job is not allowed to divulge anything unless it appears to be affecting someone's work performance or is illegal. It's in the contract we sign on our first day.

 

But I suppose this WAS affecting his work performance. So yeah, he could get fired for this. What a dipsh*t!!

 

I stand by the rest of my post though, as OP does appear to be flattered by this. If he's not divorcing, nothing means anything.

[Sassy Girl]

What a horrific lapse of judgment he has made disclosing this to anyone at work. HR? His leadership stock just took a dive.

 

This is more than confessing to an affair to a subordinate or coworker. This person is now in a position to keep a secret when she saw firsthand how the situation affected him at work.

 

At best, he looks like a cheater who can't keep it together. Worst? Depending on the culture, he might get the boot.

 

I get the feeling you're flattered by this. In fact, it's just another example of his crappy judgement. I'd be mortified.

We had an executive exposed for an affair. Next restructure he found himself out of a job and quietly shown the back door.

 

Just boggles the mind what some people will jeopardise with their career when it comes to affairs. Not smart.

 

But i don't disagree that OP seems to be flattered by the attention and lack of judgment. So carry on! More power to you

[RRM321]

I think you're reading way too much into this.

 

She works with him. She was doing her job and MM delegated the task of following up on you. That's sounds less like "worried sick" and more like business as usual.

 

Realistically, it's 5 years later and your still just the OW. Nothing says: "I love you" like a call from human resources.

[Popsicle]

Don't do it, SolG, don't do it!

[minimariah]

She apparently doesn't skip a beat, empathises and thanks him for trusting her enough to tell her. And then uber-efficiently gets on the phone to the admin team and tasks them with finding all flights to my city over the next 24 hours and a list of all hospitals in my city with their numbers; to be emailed by the end of their meeting.

 

i find her reaction interesting. i would bet she had or has similar experience; people are usually NOT that comfortable and eager OR encouraging of the affair unless they've been there and done that.

 

i doubt she'll expose the affair further though, i don't think you should be worried.

Edited March 2, 2016 by minimariah

[SolG]

One point of clarification up front, she is his HR specialist; she does not work for the HR department. She does the HR analysis, etc, for the projects he is allocated.

 

Is he still married?

 

So when is he planning to leave his wife, if he does not love her?

 

Concern and love are two different things.

 

Maybe you need to ask him to dig deep about why he is still married, if he is.

 

Hi Liam :-) No, he's not planning on leaving his W; he does love her. And yes, she does know.

 

I know why they're still together and why we are too. I don't really want to go too deeply into our arrangements these days, but they at present work for us. They may not always, but they do for now.

 

As for your observation about love and care... they can be subsets of one another or standalone. I guess you are intimating about love in our A? Well, my perspective I watch, listen, feel, receive, etc; and to the extent that one can know another I do believe that he does love me. But that's not actually what I think is the most important thing. What's more important is the fact that I do know that I'm eminently lovable, and believe that he's crazy if he doesn't! I choose to love him... but his love doesn't define me.

 

So, I guess my questions are: what's in it for you now? Has he left his wife yet, or are they doing that "separated under the same roof" thingy he talked about? Do you want to be known in his professional circles as his OW? How does that reflect on him? How will it reflect on you and your professional reputation?

 

How do you feel about his colleagues knowing you are his OW?

 

Nope, threw the separated under one roof thing out the window as the stupid idea that it was (which is what everyone here told me at the time :-/).

 

Just about a year ago beach asked me in a post what I really want. It was a great question, and while also an obvious one, not one I had delved too deeply into. We've done a lot of soul searching since. My life is actually pretty fantastic when I look at it objectively, which I hadn't taken the time to do in quite a while because I was so caught up in the A. I appreciate everything so much more now that my eyes are open again. And I've made lifestyle tweaks as well that have taken me back towards things that I value but had forgotten.

 

In terms of the A, I get MM in the quantity and ways that I need; given our lifestyles it wouldn't be too much different if he were not married. That's not to say that I have absolutely everything I want, nor does he for that matter. But it is enough, and we're pretty happy.

 

I actually work for the same company so they're in essence my colleagues as well. It's a diverse multi-nat. Despite being a big far flung organisation, it's also a bit incestuous. The company has a pretty liberal view about personal relationships unless they involve bias, workplace conflict, or direct reports. Even in these circumstance all you have to do is let them know and they'll move one of the parties. Neither of us is worried career-wise.

 

Actually relatively early on in our A we were summoned by our then COO (who's now widely touted to be the next national CEO). He told us that there were 'rumours' and that he couldn't give a toss whether they were true or not; what mattered to him was that we were two of his best performers. He just wanted us to know that we had his support and he had our backs and that he'd 'shut that sh*t down' if we wanted him to. It was a slightly surreal experience.

 

Most of the small group of friends that do know about us and that we socialise with as a couple are also either from the company, or have some past or present association with it. But to be clear, we are still very discrete and do not flaunt the A (in fact far moreso now than we were in the early heady days with nary a cautious thought between us). These are very much trusted dear friends; most for many years.

 

And I've read you describe him as a FB. Yet your friend has his number and feels comfortable reaching out to him on your behalf while he's overseas. It all sounds more serious than that. Or you guys are just on different pages.

 

No, you must have read a post about one of my other lovers. In addition to the A, I currently have two casual lovers. And I regularly date. While I view MM as my main partner, I am open to other Rs. This is one of those lifestyle tweaks :-)

 

Don't do it, SolG, don't do it!

 

Sorry to disappoint you Pops (I hate doing that!), but I'm going to...

 

i find her reaction interesting. i would bet she had or has similar experience; people are usually NOT that comfortable and eager OR encouraging of the affair unless they've been there and done that.

 

i doubt she'll expose the affair further though, i don't think you should be worried.

 

Thanks mini. We've talked about it some more and I'm good now. I was just really thrown that HE told someone. And tbh, as we talked about it I realised I was pissed at not being consulted and part of the process. It's always been such a serious decision for us to disclose, and we've always discussed and taken it together (except for when I emailed his bestie after we 'broke up'... but that's another story...). That really was the crux of my discomfort.

 

MM trusts her implicitly. And I've done a bit of other research now too; she's pretty solid and has done some really impressive work thus far in her career. And culturally, I'm not sure if others understand... but when you work with a team on multiple intense projects all over the place. And time is money so you're working 12 plus hour days, sometimes without a day off for weeks... you really become like family in a way. Some of my best and most loyal friends have come from these environments.

 

I'm now looking forward to meeting her. She actually does sound like someone I might really like. I'll update you all after the dinner in a few weeks :-)

[jenkins95]

......No, he's not planning on leaving his W; he does love her. And yes, she does know.

 

In addition to the A, I currently have two casual lovers. And I regularly date. While I view MM as my main partner, I am open to other Rs. This is one of those lifestyle tweaks :-)

 

Wow Sol, you're quite a lady! So all parties know where they stand, including his wife. And does she accept it? Is it like an open marriage? Or is she very unhappy about it and want him to finish it.

 

If she, and everyone else is happy with the situation, you seem to be one of a very rare breed of people who actually make their affairs genuinely work for them!

 

I really hope you and everyone in the story ends up happy anyway. Best of luck.

[minimariah]

I was just really thrown that HE told someone.

 

well -- if the W knows about you & the affair, i assume he's comfortable now enough to tell other folks without overthinking it. make sure to talk about boundaries for the future.

 

p.s. i wouldn't be surprised if he DOES end up leaving his wife, eventually. heard similar stories that started like yours and ended with divorce; it takes some time but once folks get comfortable and see it's really NOT a big deal... things change. ironically, MOST of MM i know of - who left - REJECTED that very thought for a loooong time during the A. i can't help but to compare it to your MM -- in the beginning, he never thought of telling another soul and here you are.

Edited March 2, 2016 by minimariah

[Liam1]

What's more important is the fact that I do know that I'm eminently lovable, and believe that he's crazy if he doesn't! I choose to love him... but his love doesn't define me.

 

Well, use that confidence in knowing you are lovable to give this guy the boot and find someone single to date.

 

I am in the camp with those who think you are making too big a deal over his show of concern.

 

Among men who are having an affair, many, but not all, are the type that like to show off their affair partners. It makes them feel superior to other men to have a wife and a gal on the side. These types of guys can barely contain themselves.

 

Their need to show off their AP for a cheap ego boost typically backfires as now the wife will eventually find out. Someone will phone her, write her, talk to her, etc.

 

Then, too, maybe he is one of those guys that is hoping to get caught, so he doesn't have to be the bad guy that ends the affair.

 

Unless this coworker your OM confided in has had an affair and your OM knows this, it was very weird for him to tell this coworker about your affair and invite her to socialize with you two, if he has no plan to divorce his wife.

 

This is a Dday soon to happen. A secret is no longer a secret if you tell just one person.

 

People love to share secrets. It is a way to bond or to appear in the know. Five years is a long affair, maybe he wants something to happen to end it for him.

[Sassy Girl]

I wasn't aware the wife knows about you now Sol.

 

Is she aware that you monitor his emails and all his correspondence with her too?

[Liam1]

I wasn't aware the wife knows about you now Sol.

 

Is she aware that you monitor his emails and all his correspondence with her too?

 

 

Well, If the wife already knows, then perhaps that is why the hysterical reaction on the OMs part, Maybe she's planning to divorce him.

 

Some OM get very desperate and clingy to the AP when they think they may lose their wife and affair partner too. Oops, there goes everything.

 

This guy sounds very insecure. I mean his reaction seems like an overreaction, truly. It could mean something, it could be he's just a nervous type of guy.

 

It does not sound as if you want a full time relationship, though. So, be prepared.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Liam1

[ladydesigner]

SolG it sounds like you all have a polyamorous relationship. If everyone is okay with it, then it shouldn't be a big deal to tell anyone about it. I wouldn't even consider you an OW at this point, but a partner.