Meeting one of MM's work colleagues openly as his OW

[anika99]

I don't think the wife knows. There was a dday about a year ago and after that the MM led his wife to believe that he wanted to stay and save the marriage. I don't think the wife knows the affair is ongoing.

[jen1447]

Don't do it, SolG, don't do it!

Sorry to disappoint you Pops (I hate doing that!), but I'm going to...

What exactly was Popsi begging you not to do here - talk to the HR lady?

[sandylee1]

Well if the wife knows there's no problem at all with all then. I don't see what the worry is with meeting his colleague. Sounds like an open marriage to me. Perhaps his wife has a lover too.

 

OR ... did she discover the affair and he told her it's now over.

[Sassy Girl]

From memory the BS is just a whisp of a woman who couldn't survive on her own... So MM has fallen in his sword and remained and given her the gift of marriage whilst continuing his affair. Rather gallant wouldn't you say?

 

Of course, this doesn't lend any credence to the idea that there is a power imbalance in their marriage. She may have acquiesced as opposed to given them her blessing. But that's just semantics.

[Liam1]

From memory the BS is just a whisp of a woman who couldn't survive on her own... So MM has fallen in his sword and remained and given her the gift of marriage whilst continuing his affair. Rather gallant wouldn't you say?

 

 

Where did that claim come from? The OM?

[RRM321]

From memory the BS is just a whisp of a woman who couldn't survive on her own... So MM has fallen in his sword and remained and given her the gift of marriage whilst continuing his affair. Rather gallant wouldn't you say?

 

Quite Gallant, indeed.

My real name is Mary Poppins.

[Sassy Girl]

Quite Gallant, indeed.

My real name is Mary Poppins.

 

 

Too funny

[Popsicle]

What exactly was Popsi begging you not to do here - talk to the HR lady?

 

To not go and to not talk to her.

 

.

Sorry to disappoint you Pops (I hate doing that!), but I'm going to...

 

*cries*

[cocorico]

well -- if the W knows about you & the affair, i assume he's comfortable now enough to tell other folks without overthinking it. make sure to talk about boundaries for the future.

 

p.s. i wouldn't be surprised if he DOES end up leaving his wife, eventually. heard similar stories that started like yours and ended with divorce; it takes some time but once folks get comfortable and see it's really NOT a big deal... things change. ironically, MOST of MM i know of - who left - REJECTED that very thought for a loooong time during the A. i can't help but to compare it to your MM -- in the beginning, he never thought of telling another soul and here you are.

 

Agree.

 

Initially, my H didn't plan on leaving the xBW. But, we fell in love, and he did.

 

Likewise, telling others, and incorporating me into his life had the effect of transitioning us as "the couple" and the xBW as the vestige of the old, which finally fell away.

[Sassy Girl]

Where did that claim come from? The OM?

 

I'll Admit it was a little Tongue in cheek, but as OP tells it, yes. It's in the backstory. She's posted about it. She has it on very good authority because she's been monitoring the MMs emails, texts and phone records to and from his wife for years.

Edited March 3, 2016 by Sassy Girl

[Liam1]

I'll Admit it was a little Tongue in cheek, but as OP tells it, yes. It's in the backstory. She's posted about it. She has it on very good authority because she's been monitoring the MMs emails, texts and phone records to and from his wife for years.

 

Sassy:

 

This guy sounds like a really weak indecisive cowardly sort of guy. He is badmouthing his wife. If she ever had a real relationship with her, how long before he would be badmouthing Soig????????

 

IMO, Soig needs to dig deep to understand why she is dating married men instead of single available men. Why it's important what he thinks, etc.

 

She claims she is not interested in commitment. So, IMO, she needs to be worried about this clingy guy.

[jenkins95]

Sassy:

 

This guy sounds like a really weak indecisive cowardly sort of guy. He is badmouthing his wife. If she ever had a real relationship with her, how long before he would be badmouthing Soig????????

 

IMO, Soig needs to dig deep to understand why she is dating married men instead of single available men. Why it's important what he thinks, etc.

 

She claims she is not interested in commitment. So, IMO, she needs to be worried about this clingy guy.

 

......and, Sol is monitoring their emails? (Sassy's post) Come on guys, that is horrid!

 

I think Sol is happy with the status quo as she has several lovers.

 

But what about his BS? One post said that she knew about the affair, but it's unclear as to whether this is an open marriage or not. One poster suggested that she did originally find out but now believes that it finished. Can you clarify Sol? If she thinks it is over and she finds out it isn't - quite likely if more people are getting to know about it, then it's difficult to see how she's not going to end up absolutely destroyed.

 

But if all parties know what's going on and the whole thing is open, then why not, I guess? Maybe BS has a lover too?

[SolG]

......and, Sol is monitoring their emails? (Sassy's post) Come on guys, that is horrid!

 

I think Sol is happy with the status quo as she has several lovers.

 

But what about his BS? One post said that she knew about the affair, but it's unclear as to whether this is an open marriage or not. One poster suggested that she did originally find out but now believes that it finished. Can you clarify Sol? If she thinks it is over and she finds out it isn't - quite likely if more people are getting to know about it, then it's difficult to see how she's not going to end up absolutely destroyed.

 

But if all parties know what's going on and the whole thing is open, then why not, I guess? Maybe BS has a lover too?

 

Yea Jenks it was horrid. I flipped out when I discovered that our perceptions weren't aligned regarding our A (aka he was lying his ass off to me) and demanded full transparency; email and social media accounts, phone records, etc. And I am sorry to say I wallowed in them for about a year. That access both enlightened and confused me no end. As an analyst/systems thinker/researcher/writer I obsessed... And drowned in the data. It just revealed so many things, but at the same time made so little sense. I stopped eventually because I was driving myself crazy; ethically/morally and intellectually.

 

His W now knows of the A. It has been a slow reveal from the underplayed Dday lite, to the revelations/confessions of recent times. MM's W and I have spoken once. She holds the cards. For now she has asked that they have some time, and that we be discreet. I am committed to complying with her requests.

 

I have gone incredibly deeply into why I embarked upon this A. That is the easy bit; identifying vulnerability/propensity. What's harder is identifying why I STAY. I kinda want to write here about my big game, that I'm all okay with everything. But the truth is I'm not.

 

Many might say it's ok. We talk every day. We Skype. We catch up all the time, often in fabulous locations. But I can't stand the hiding and deception. Even though his W knows... Discretion is really just a euphemism for hide yourself. Keep lying. You can love each other, but not publicly or in a way you can celebrate and be healthy.

 

Even though I've done so much work on myself. To the extent that I understand a lot, and can control myself really well. The truth is that despite all this.. The A is still killing me. Or more accurately, I am killing myself by remaining in this A.

[sandylee1]

Reading a few of your other threads, I see that over time you've lowered your expectations and have settled into accepting your status as the OW. You've gone from wanting /thinking /hoping he'd leave her... to saying you don't want him to leave her and are happy as things are.

 

Your MM has an open quiet marriage on his side. I imagine that would give his wife every entitlement to do the same and he'd be non the wiser.

 

Not thinking of you specifically... not there's a whole host of OWs that state how independent they are as women and what successful careers they have... and actually cite this as a reason THE MM finds them attractive over his wife..usually a SAHM..... however most independent women I know are very confident go getters and would not accept being the invisible one.

[SolG]

Reading a few of your other threads, I see that over time you've lowered your expectations and have settled into accepting your status as the OW. You've gone from wanting /thinking /hoping he'd leave her... to saying you don't want him to leave her and are happy as things are.

 

Your MM has an open quiet marriage on his side. I imagine that would give his wife every entitlement to do the same and he'd be non the wiser.

 

Not thinking of you specifically... not there's a whole host of OWs that state how independent they are as women and what successful careers they have... and actually cite this as a reason THE MM finds them attractive over his wife..usually a SAHM..... however most independent women I know are very confident go getters and would not accept being the invisible one.

 

I DID hope he'd... not quite leave... but make me his 'one and only' love. I had this almighty epiphany that this was IT, that miraculous love that would cure me and make me monogamous. As my xH put it... the R that would make me 'grow up' and have just one partner. Turns out that's not just a recipe for disaster for me, but also MM as well.

 

Monogamy is intense! It is gut wrenching! I don't know how you all do it. Give me the love of someone who understands my needs and doesn't constrain them, over someone who demands they are the sole source of my everything any day! And vice versa!

 

I'm a sucker for buying into that whole illusion for people like me. And MM acknowledges that he sought to make me all his from the same delusional perspective. Thank goodness that's one thing we are now free of.

 

But to his W... she is free to pursue other partners. That has been explicitly allowed. As am I. I have chosen to do so... but she has stated that she will not. She has restated that she just wants us to be 'discreet'.

 

MM doesn't get it. He is always lamenting that he spends so much time with me; and hour or two a day on the phone and at least one night a week. Last week we spent the five days leading up to Easter together because we both had meetings in my town. He says I make him feel like it doesn't count. That I always want more.

 

I do want more! Not more time... or to be pandered to or bought. I just want to be acknowledged and not socially erased. I just want to be able to walk into work and talk about my partner, have my daughter (and the rest of my family) relate to him as a significant part of my life and not just the work colleague that drops in from time to time.

 

I want to be known. And acknowledged. And not be invisible. But he doesn't seem to accept that this is meaningful in the face of all the 'sacrifices' he makes for me.

 

So you are right... I'm a highly successful person on the surface of it. Yet for some reason I can't shake this immense insult. And that's what it ultimately is... an insult. So despite my outward persona... I'm weak.

 

And to answer another question... This is my only A. There have been no others. And there will be no more if this fails.

 

To get to the point of the original post... We had dinner with the HR lady last week. She's lovely and we will keep in touch.

[Maddieandtae]

Solg too not be invisible and than acknowledged by the MM in all areas of your life wouldn't it be desirable to pursue an relationship where this could happen? It's sad to read that the A even though the wife acknowledges your relationship with her husband is killing you. I'm not an intellectual person and some of what I read about some views on relationships here are so complicated! At one time I thought I could accept an open relationship if I was told at the start that this is what would happen in the primary relationship now I find I would just like to have an partner who communicates with me and respects the boundaries of what I'm comfortable with in an relationship. If those wants are not met I think I might have similar feelings that you could be feeling, let down and dissatisfaction.?

Edited March 28, 2016 by Maddieandtae
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