Tough weekend coming up..

[Joie]

This upcoming weekend is the anniversary of my husband telling me he was unhappy in our marriage.The weekend that even though he didn't admit it I began to suspect he was having an affair. It is the weekend that he didn't sleep in our house, the weekend that we seriously discussed divorce, the weekend that I had to call my family and let them know that my marriage could be ending.

 

It sucks because my H is working this entire weekend just like last year. I feel the whole thing repeating itself over and over.

 

It was the worst day of my life.

 

 

My husband is really trying to help me get through this weekend. He has been extra attentive, making sure he always answers my calls, has suggested that I meet him for lunch during the weekend. Went so far as to promise me that he would take a selfie of himself at work (I told him I don't need that though I may change my mind).

 

We have been doing so well. I hope that once this weekend passes we get back on track. I know there will be bumps in the road but this bump feels huge right now.

[jenkins95]

This upcoming weekend is the anniversary of my husband telling me he was unhappy in our marriage.The weekend that even though he didn't admit it I began to suspect he was having an affair. It is the weekend that he didn't sleep in our house, the weekend that we seriously discussed divorce, the weekend that I had to call my family and let them know that my marriage could be ending.

 

It sucks because my H is working this entire weekend just like last year. I feel the whole thing repeating itself over and over.

 

It was the worst day of my life.

 

 

My husband is really trying to help me get through this weekend. He has been extra attentive, making sure he always answers my calls, has suggested that I meet him for lunch during the weekend. Went so far as to promise me that he would take a selfie of himself at work (I told him I don't need that though I may change my mind).

 

We have been doing so well. I hope that once this weekend passes we get back on track. I know there will be bumps in the road but this bump feels huge right now.

 

Big hug (((Joie)))

 

Glad to hear that you guys are doing amazingly well - fantastic news. Key dates are well known for being triggers aren't they. Get through it, expect some emotional, tough days - perhaps the first difficult days for a while?, which in itself is a good sign, and you will get through it and emerge the other side.

 

I really hope he does his part as it sounds like he intends to do - lots of calls, reassurance, love.

 

Big hurdle ahead of you - but you will emerge stronger! This time next year, the hurdle should be that much less I hope.

 

Good luck. I wish you both nothing but the very best.

[understand50]

Joie,

 

Remember it is just a date, and that you control how you feel. If you both are doing all the needs to be done to reconcile, do not let the calendar upset that. Trigger are big things, and I do not mean to make light of them, or yours. In the end you control how you face them. I am sure, you will get trough this, and be in a better place afterwards.

 

All the luck you need.......

[Lady2163]

I know you've struggled. It sounds like he is really trying.

 

I'd avoid asking for the selfie at work, if he doesn't usually send you pictures regularly. But I'd take him up on the lunch offer. Personally, that sounds like a time for the two of you to connect. A selfie is more along the lines of, "I still don't trust you, so leap through this hurdle for me."

 

And I get it and I'm sure he gets it. It may be a permanent change in your marriage that you never fully trust him again.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The real test of healing...is when we as waywards....think of our betrayed spouses first....without being prompted. An example of this is his willingness to do whatever it takes to help you feel safe.

 

I give him an A....he is doing a great job.

 

There will come a day...when this date is just a date....not today and maybe not for many years to come....but someday.....keep your focus on your relationship day to day...and not the date.

 

Best of luck to you...and I hope your weekend is filled with the love you deserve.

[katielee]

There is a day in my life that was awful for me (well, among many, but this was the worst) and I honor MYSELF on that day - and how far I've come - by pampering myself. It's Katielee day, not "that day" anymore... I go to the spa and get myself taken care of for hours. The healing touch of other women taking care of me really is quite nurturing (at least to me).

Is there any way you can do something like this?

[ShatteredLady]

I like your idea KatieLee.

 

We had many kinds of d-days. I was so confused. Mothers Day was the first time I realized that she was in the picture. I don't know how to get through it.

 

Valentine's was bad enough...I said I wanted nothing so that's what we did & what I got. That didn't help!! Little people asking why we're not celebrating?, why there's no heart chocolates? etc. ugh!!! I HATED it!!

 

I've been trying to convince myself that it's "MOTHER'S day" & NOT "Wife's day". I'm thinking of saying I ONLY want pictures from the kids (they're old enough now to do that alone now) I think I'll loose my mind & burst into tears if he gives me flowers!!

 

(I'm a $20 from Target flower lady. I've never had expensive delivery flowers from my H. Last year he used a "Buy 1 get 1 lesser value half price" deal. She got the expensive "Higher Value" ones! It must be nice)

[merrmeade]

Yeah, good idea plugging into LS. Maybe it will be less bumpy. It's helped me prepare for trigger-laden events. There will still be something. I wish I'd stayed in contact throughout.

 

There still may be unexpected triggers but your husband being so understanding and pro-active is tremendous. It's painful to recount my experience except to say that having people - both online and in real life - to talk to made the biggest difference. I think yours won't require that you see and interact with the OW which is what made mine off the charts. I think you'll be all right but keep posting!

Edited March 1, 2016 by merrmeade

[jenkins95]

There is a day in my life that was awful for me (well, among many, but this was the worst) and I honor MYSELF on that day - and how far I've come - by pampering myself. It's Katielee day, not "that day" anymore... I go to the spa and get myself taken care of for hours. The healing touch of other women taking care of me really is quite nurturing (at least to me).

Is there any way you can do something like this?

 

Wonderful idea Katieelee!

[jenkins95]

I like your idea KatieLee.

 

We had many kinds of d-days. I was so confused. Mothers Day was the first time I realized that she was in the picture. I don't know how to get through it.

 

Valentine's was bad enough...I said I wanted nothing so that's what we did & what I got. That didn't help!! Little people asking why we're not celebrating?, why there's no heart chocolates? etc. ugh!!! I HATED it!!

 

I've been trying to convince myself that it's "MOTHER'S day" & NOT "Wife's day". I'm thinking of saying I ONLY want pictures from the kids (they're old enough now to do that alone now) I think I'll loose my mind & burst into tears if he gives me flowers!!

 

(I'm a $20 from Target flower lady. I've never had expensive delivery flowers from my H. Last year he used a "Buy 1 get 1 lesser value half price" deal. She got the expensive "Higher Value" ones! It must be nice)

 

Shattered - that's a shocker about the flowers

 

I hope you're doing better these days?

 

Great idea guys - I think it would be lovely if Joie pampered herself a little over the weekend. Some nice little treats and maybe see some friends while he is at work, and regular calls, messages from him and a bottle of wine on ice for when he gets back in the evening.

 

One strategy is to make new special memories on those key dates to try to oust the bad ones.

Edited March 2, 2016 by jenkins95

[Joie]

Thank you for your support. I talked to H again. We are going to do the nice bottle of wine and play cards on Friday when he gets home late. I am getting a sitter for Saturday Night and will meet him after he gets off his shift for a nice dinner out. I am going to offer to babysit for my friend who just had surgery on Sunday. Hopefully that will keep me pretty busy.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It sounds like you have a great plan for you. Triggers come....but as time goes by...they decrease. I always reach out to my husband when i see a trigger ....I ask are you ok?....is there anything i can do?...and the biggest is to hold him.

 

Remember that when you trigger...so does he. It reminds him of what he has done and the pain he has caused.....

 

You will get through this together....rely on each other and don't be afraid to let him know when you need him.

[spanz1]

There is a day in my life that was awful for me (well, among many, but this was the worst) and I honor MYSELF on that day - and how far I've come - by pampering myself. It's Katielee day, not "that day" anymore... I go to the spa and get myself taken care of for hours. The healing touch of other women taking care of me really is quite nurturing (at least to me).

Is there any way you can do something like this?

 

 

 

the spa stuff, forgive me for saying so, is pretty superficial. How about joining a good gym and getting into top fighting shape. THAT alone will banish the depressive thinking, and give you a positive outlook on what to do next!

 

 

And yeah I know what you mean about valentines day...some people are pretty insensitive about that. like it would kill them to download a free card, print it out, and sign it to give to you!

[wmacbride]

Supporting each other through the weekend not only makes it better it strengthens the bonds between you.

 

Is it possible for you to explain to him how the date is difficult for you and ask him to help you find a way to change it's meaning?

 

I'm not sure what your circumstances are, but is it possible for you to use some of the time you are together over the weekend to maybe plan a getaway for the two of you, or start something else? Is there something you always wanted to learn or do but never have? If so, can the two of you begin to make plans this weekend to take lessons in, or do, whatever that might be?

 

One thing I found really helpful round triggering dates was to simply find fun things to do that made us both laugh and build new memories. That way, over time, the day was no loner " the day I found out about the A", but it was " the day we went for a really great hike with our kids and saw an awesome waterfall" or " that was the day we "relived our youth' and went to a rock concert" or whatever would be right for the two of you. It doesn't have to be elaborate or forced, just fun.