alexv1988 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 I feel stuck in limbo, I am 28 and have been dating my finance since the end of college, and we had been dating for 4 year before I proposed to her but I feel like I would be miserable if I married her. Let me put this out there, I love her but don't feel in love and to be honest never had that burning passion or craziness about her. I always loved how we got along and she great qualities such as the ability to listen, go with the flow and enjoy spending time together. She is a great person and has the qualities that make her a great partner but might not be for me. The reality is that I feel bored and lonely in the relationship, I feel she is more introverted and I am somewhere in the middle and feed of off energy and adventure. I know enough about myself that I am high maintenance and that I put in work and expect a lot back. I guess the main means of putting in work is providing support, house/rent and guidance. Every since we have been dating she has either been working odd hours and more recently went back to school at a prestigious university (low-income, eventual debt from school). I feel all through our time I helped her grow and pushed her out of her comfort zone. I am proud of her and she really likes school, but I don't feel strongly connected or 'in-love' and as a result just don't feel attracted. What it comes down to I don't respect here as an equal in some ways, I know I am better at thinking, general knowledge, communication, planning, and wish she had qualities to complement me in or have her own areas of strengths besides being good at studying/being a student/learning. The main concerns are that I don't feel attracted, wish she was more outgoing and had a motivated personality. I feel we had a very short honeymoon phase and moved into a boring and comfortable relationship instantly. I guess I should add that her sex drive is pretty low (compared to my ideal situation of everyday or every other day). We have always been good about communicating and I have shared the fact that I would like to be more active and plan times to be intimate (hard when you don't have natural desire for her) and that I would like her to develop interests. She says that nothing she ever does will be good enough for me...and I sense that is because of my mindset for her and I dont know how to change that. I think we can make it work but its not super satisfying to me and as a result I criticize things she does and have constant negative thought. I love her enough that I realize she should be appreciated for who she is and try to do that but can only hold off so much until I become unhappy and longing for other attractive and outgoing women. A part of me feels like its a fantasy and I am being stupid but the thought of feeling like I want more and being bored isnt going away, but at the same time I love her and care of her and we have already spent time together and are engaged makes me want to try to make it right but not sure if thats even possible. (I need to someone change what I want or desire). Long story short, I have been in a relationship that has been good enough but not great and I keep trying because I love her and want to feel different but the reality is I am not sure I will ever be fully happy unless things change or I find someone new. What do I do? I already shared that this is how I feel and that we should consider a relationship counselor, but not sure what that will change. I feel a bit like a coward to propose (part of pressure from her and her family, and me deciding to make a commitment), and then still feeling this way but yet not breaking it off thinking we can work on things and make it better. I feel bad putting her through this but also feel bad that I am missing out a relationship in which I dont feel this way and cant wait to get married. Help me out with some perspective and what I should do, friends are supportive but dont want to tell me something that will make me regret my choices, and family is biased. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 You already know what you should do here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2016 Share Posted March 1, 2016 If after 4 years you are not attracted to her, it's not going to get better because you marry. However, that dizzying whirlwind sensation that people describe as love is kind of a myth. It doesn't last so the fact that 4 years in you feel more practical love isn't a bad thing. Do not put down any deposits. Get back any you have made. Talk to her. Really talk. Perhaps get some pre-marital counseling but don't go forwar das you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexv1988 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Share Posted March 1, 2016 If after 4 years you are not attracted to her, it's not going to get better because you marry. However, that dizzying whirlwind sensation that people describe as love is kind of a myth. It doesn't last so the fact that 4 years in you feel more practical love isn't a bad thing. Do not put down any deposits. Get back any you have made. Talk to her. Really talk. Perhaps get some pre-marital counseling but don't go forwar das you are. I think I understand that that the honeymoon or butterflies end pretty quickly but there has to be a level of being content and satisfied. I just don't know what to say her, she loves me and talking about it only breaks her heart, it breaks mine too. Is it sad that I feel the closest to here after we fight and/or are both hurt? That's clearly not healthy that the only emotion I experience is when I am sad and it makes me realize I love her, I have no idea on how to bring that emotion out from interactions or from just looking at her, that does exist after years of a healthy marriage right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexv1988 Posted March 1, 2016 Author Share Posted March 1, 2016 Thank you for the two replies, the answers are what I was afraid of, and makes me want to just keep things as they are even if the right thing is to end it. I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I feel like I would be miserable if I married her. Funny how good we get at ignoring our own instincts and feelings. I've had a few friends over the years do the "dead man walking" stroll into marriage, none lasted very long. It hard enough to have a successful relationship under the best circumstances, almost impossible if one partner doesn't really want to be there. If you care about this girl, let her find someone who really loves her. And if you care about your own emotional health, don't enter into marriage halfheartedly. It's the wrong thing for both of you. Your choice - a month of awkwardness, embarrassment and difficult discussions vs decades of resentment, unhappiness and regret. Seems like a pretty simple choice... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kztar Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 WOW. All I have to say is that this is a TERRIBLE situation to be in. Unfortunately you have to call it quits. I will be brutally honest with you, this is going to RIP her heart apart but it must be done. It seems like you got into this relationship for the wrong reasons and usually, when we do it leads to this in the future. Im going through a breakup myself similar to this in where my EX told me he was no longer in love with me and he thinks that I'd be better with someone else. It ripped me apart because I love him and I am in love with him. But you know what, Im sure that in the long run this would have been a disaster. Im still heartbroken because I feel like we could of made this work but thats something else. However, our relationship moved way too fast but it felt "right" but in reality it wasn't. Basically, he got into a relationship thinking I was the one and that it was going to be all fun and games until the real issues started coming along. Im all about compromise, but I've been in other relationships so I know its hard work. This was his first real relationship so he got a little taste of life. We are VERY different from each other, kind of like you and your fiance. Hes an introvert and im a social butterfly, I like doing random things while he's more of a routine kind of guy. His life = BORING before me while my life before him was = BLAST, im big on sex, he's not and the list can go ON AND ON. People say that opposites attract but these kinds of relationships are hard to work on because of the different lifestyles and interest that both parties have. Shes not going to change and you arent either. What im trying to tell you here is that she seems like a great girl but not for you. You guys are completely different people and probably want the same things in life yet different ways. Sadly for some reason you have allowed this to come this far but you have to END it ASAP. Let us know how this goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 If I go there will be trouble. If I stay there will be double. Never thought I'd be quoting an 80's song to give my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
DreamP Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 You sound like you need to sow your wild oats, and not in the sexual way. You want more excitement in your life. You want a woman that can give that to you. The thing is, you may or may not find that. You may realize that it is you that is the boring one. An exciting woman may find you boring. Or you may find everything you are hoping for and you would lose out on that opportunity by staying with your girlfriend. The problem is you don't know. If you stay, you will regret it all your life and always think that the grass is greener somewhere else. If you leave, you may lose forever something that is good. Do you want to play it safe or do you want to take a risk? Either option is fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 18, 2016 Share Posted March 18, 2016 I've ready that the crazy honeymoon period doesn't last more than 3 years. So what you experienced is probably normal and will happen in the future. Having said that, don't marry anyone EVER to make a relationship better. Marriage starts with a strong relationship first. If you don't have that for you it's not going to suddenly get better because you married. I would figure out what you really need/want before doing anything. Have you tried therapy? My ex had been engaged previously and he told me seeing someone was really helpful in sorting out whether he wanted to go through with the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Kayil Posted March 19, 2016 Share Posted March 19, 2016 My advice will be don't marry her just because you feel like you have already made a commitment to her. It is better you deal with the pain of a break up now than deal with a possible divorce years later. You should marry someone that you are looking forward to spending your life with. I am speaking from experience here. I married my husband 10yrs ago even though i had doubts from the beginning. Fast forward to now, we have 2 young kids and are going through a seperation/divorce. You NEVER want to start out a marriage with some of the issues you have mentioned. Listen to that still small voice inside you to guide you in making the best decision for your future........the person you marry will alter the direction of your life. You want to be unequivocably sure that you are marrying the best person for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Deidre Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 Marriage won't change this. If you aren't attracted to her now, I have a feeling it will get worse. I would probably break off the engagement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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