Struggling

[LT1985]

So first time poster here. I am going to do a long story post. But here is the short version.

 

My self and my partner were together 4 1/2 years, engaged December 2014. We were totally in love. I felt unappreciated after the engagement happened. Looked on dating websites etc didn’t do anything just wen out for attention she found out. Decided to work through it.

 

Her dad got sick in June 2015 died in September 2015. I also lost my job of 10 years during this time

 

December 2015 she left me, after everyone had thought we were going good including me. Found out she had been talking to her ex when her dad got sick every couple of weeks. When she left in december she went up there. Said nothing happened, she continued to give me mixed msgs from December - Feb 16, Saying she wants to go with the flow with us and see what happens. etc. She was staying at her mums during this time would come over for dinner to mine couple nights a week but wouldn’t hear from her sat to sunday. She was lying saying she was at a friends but she was at her ex. Found out last week they had been sleeping together for a month. She had lied to him about me as well. Since she left in december she had numerous arguments with me if i would be talking to a girl on social media etc or hacking my passwords to emails and everything so this is why i still thought there was a chance.

 

Now he wants nothing to do with her and she is saying I’ve ruined her new relationship.. Not accepting blame.

 

Anyway both me and the family believe she is mentaly not right since her fathers death guilt and other things we have thought for a long period of time she has bipola.

 

I keep on saying its just her mind at the moment i will just hang back for as long as she needs but she has been saying she hates me never wants to see me etc. So i fig its time for no contact.

 

I truly believe if she gets the mental help she needs the person i asked to marry will come back but until then i dont think she will.

 

So i think NC is my only option? I dont want to move on but NC doesnt mean going out and sleeping with other people it just mean getting over her and maybe not hearing from me will make her relise i was important to her

[LT1985]

So this is pretty sad... Its only day 1 and im already feeling like ****.

 

So part of me is angry like

Why would you do this to someone who gave you everything?

Why would you choose your ex over me, when he treated you like sh(t?

You said only 2 months ago you loved me more and than anything and couldnt wait to marry me?

Why couldnt you see that we didnt try to help our relationship with counciling etc?

If you were unhappy why didnt you say something and we address the issues?

If the death of your father brought you closer to your ex why didnt you say hang on im engaged, i should be talking to him not you?

[louxor]

So this is pretty sad... Its only day 1 and im already feeling like ****.

 

So part of me is angry like

Why would you do this to someone who gave you everything?

Why would you choose your ex over me, when he treated you like sh(t?

You said only 2 months ago you loved me more and than anything and couldnt wait to marry me?

Why couldnt you see that we didnt try to help our relationship with counciling etc?

If you were unhappy why didnt you say something and we address the issues?

If the death of your father brought you closer to your ex why didnt you say hang on im engaged, i should be talking to him not you?

 

- She felt betrayed because you were looking for attention from other women (online) instead of talking about the issue with her.

- Ex's are comfortable, even if they didn't treat you right. Some people are just automatically drawn to this when they hit rough patches.

- When she said that 2 months ago, she meant it, it's just no longer the case.

- Not too sure what you mean in this question

- Same could be said for you, could it not? Instead of saying something when you felt unappreciated after the engagement, you went online to find appreciation elsewhere.

- Same as the answer to the first question - by the time her father passed you had already messed up in her books.

[LT1985]

- She felt betrayed because you were looking for attention from other women (online) instead of talking about the issue with her.

- Ex's are comfortable, even if they didn't treat you right. Some people are just automatically drawn to this when they hit rough patches.

- When she said that 2 months ago, she meant it, it's just no longer the case.

- Not too sure what you mean in this question

- Same could be said for you, could it not? Instead of saying something when you felt unappreciated after the engagement, you went online to find appreciation elsewhere.

- Same as the answer to the first question - by the time her father passed you had already messed up in her books.

 

Thankyou for your reply i know this is the case. My longer story will prob go into a bit more detail but yea.

 

- I totally understand the betrail, i know i messed up but i changed so much stopped doing that and everything. Begun to focus only on us. She admited she had not put effort into our relationship and would but yea.

 

- See that what i do understand, but the question is. Will she relise that its not the right place to be? As it was not a healthy relationship for her. I think i pushed her there when we broke up. Because i didnt fource the Space she wanted. She would always come over to spend time with me and the dogs etc.. I said this isnt space. Your not having the time you need. She would always call em to do things for her and i would drop everything. She didnt get the chance to miss me and everything. That why i want to do the NC now.

 

- Once again she said she loved me 2 months ago i come from somewhere, where you dont just fall out of love in 2 months after 4 years. You try and fix things.

 

- She is saying she tried to repair our relationship, but we didnt do anything different she didnt want to go see a counciler because she doesnt like to talk to ppl etc. I should of pushed that issue, or made set time to talk about our issues with us. But with her father getting sick and me losing my job the year just got messed up and another life issue popped up before the last was solved. I see this everyone else sees this expect for her. Because her head space at the moment.

 

- Yes i messed up but 4 out of 7 days of the week she acted fine like we were good then when stress got to much boom she would flip.

[kztar]

going through something similar. I just dont understand how these people seem to be so focused on themselves to the point where they blow up but have no proper communication what so ever. Me ex basically told me the same but this was something I never really saw as an issue because I only saw him on weekends. He would always say get a hobby, which I had few but they were all back home. (we lived 1 hr away from each other) so when I was visiting him I didnt have much to do besides hang out with him. If when he felt like this he would of communicated and said " Hey listen, I need personal space and I feel like you should continue becoming productive and do things that make you excited besides me, even if it includes NOT SEEING ME EVERY WEEKEND, I think that would help our relationship and so forth for XYZ" instead, he would always just say get a HOBBY and I never fully understood this. My friends would always say forget him, but I stuck around like an idiot till I got dumped.

[Brando]

- Don't go on dating sites if you're unhappy with your partner. Talk to them instead. If you still don't get what you want then end the relationship.

 

- She betrayed you, lied to you, slept with another man and you're just going to "hang back."

 

- Have higher standards. Does heartbreak suck? YES Will you heal, learn, move on and find someone more suitable that won't be sleeping with their ex when there is trouble in paradise? YES

 

- If you get back with her will you be able to trust her? Will you (or her) hold any resentment from past actions?

 

IMO it hurts, it sucks, but when it's broken.....it's broken. NC for sure. It will be painful, you will overthink things, you will have a void, you will have times of loneliness and all the other sucky things it comes along with.

 

What you won't have is a sh*tty partner and an uphill battle to make a broken relationship work (and that takes 2 very committed people btw).

 

Learn your lessons and work on yourself. Apply them to the next relationship.

[LT1985]

- Don't go on dating sites if you're unhappy with your partner. Talk to them instead. If you still don't get what you want then end the relationship.

 

- She betrayed you, lied to you, slept with another man and you're just going to "hang back."

 

- Have higher standards. Does heartbreak suck? YES Will you heal, learn, move on and find someone more suitable that won't be sleeping with their ex when there is trouble in paradise? YES

 

- If you get back with her will you be able to trust her? Will you (or her) hold any resentment from past actions?

 

IMO it hurts, it sucks, but when it's broken.....it's broken. NC for sure. It will be painful, you will overthink things, you will have a void, you will have times of loneliness and all the other sucky things it comes along with.

 

What you won't have is a sh*tty partner and an uphill battle to make a broken relationship work (and that takes 2 very committed people btw).

 

Learn your lessons and work on yourself. Apply them to the next relationship.

 

 

Totally understand that, and thats what i am not sure about will i be able to trust her. But if this happened with out her father being sick and passing away i would of thrown her under a bus and never talked to her again. But when there are out side issues and it has changed her. surly you deserve to give it a try to help her mental state. If that improves then look at fixing the relationship. I know im prob just setting my self up for further heart break. but yea

[LT1985]

Hi Guys,

 

So its been 2 weeks since i have seen my ex and found out she had got back with her ex prior to me (They are now over, since then also as she did not tell him about me).

 

Anyway im struggling, I feel need closure on why she done this, why all the lies. Did 4 years mean nothing to you, why were we planning a wedding up until 2 weeks before you left.

 

I am still close with her family etc and they are even confused. She has totally just cut me off. Yes i no NC is the best and she is prob doing that but how can she when i want anwsers. We have 2 dogs which were our world and she doesnt even want to see them. Iffered to give to sister for the day then i would work out with sister to pick them up. So we didnt need to speak.

 

This isnt her. i know her.. She feels guilty over what has happend and is to stubbon to admit it. I dont want to let stubboness ruin a life time. As no matter what has happened i would be willing to try.

[Orion39]

That's a rough spot. I can get a small portion of what you are feeling as I had a girl I was dating go back to her boyfriend before me and they were even a bit too buddy buddy when we were dating. Situations like this can be very difficult, it may be best to not have contact or give it some time before you try to reach out again. If you do you, perhaps a letter or email would let you say what needs to be said and give her proper time to think and respond.

[keiji]

You'll probably never understand why she treated you like that. Trying to obtain an honest answer or getting inside her thoughts is a futile endeavor. I was in a 9-year relationship, two years of marriage; we were trying to have kids. In the last month of our relationship she started taking medication because she had trouble to get pregnant. A small detail, though: she was sleeping with a coworker at the same time and one day she suddenly grabbed a bag and left. Did I ever know how she could do such a thing to me? No and never will, but deeds are what matters. She'll do it again. Kick her out of your life, really.