14 year marriage on the ropes - ashleymadison

[JackieTreehorn]

Hi All. I've lurked in the forums before but never posted. I have a marriage going on 14 years with a lovely woman and I believe she is having an emotional affair at the very least but she won't admit to it.

 

We've had a rough slog over the past several years with 2 kids in ASRD and 1 kid who is autistic. The kids have taken up most of our attention to the detriment of each other for years. I do love my wife but the resentments built up on both sides have been pretty rough and tough to overcome. She was once in love with me but will no longer hug me, kiss me, or say she loves me though we've had all of a sudden an amazing sex life.

 

5 weeks ago I discovered an email in her in box from Ashleymadison with her new account name. She clearly had just signed up and since I saw her profile name, I could easily sign up and check out her profile. She has on her profile she's looking for an erotic affair/cyber sex and has her weight a full 60 pounds under her current weight, along with posting that she lives in a town 40 miles from us.

 

She is very secretive with her phone now and won't leave it anywhere I can get to it. She won't return my call so or pickup most of the time when she's home.

 

OTOH, Our relationship has been MUCH better these past 5 weeks in terms of communication and sex. We hold each other every night and have had great sex. We've gone out on some hot dates and have been calling and IMing each other so much more than we have in years but I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she is still actively looking for someone else.

 

She often fantasizes about other men and has brought up bringing other men into our bedroom before. She has also made it clear to me she'd like to visit a sex club. She has fantasies about other guys but then she acts jealous if I ever discuss being with other women.

 

What do I do? I have looked on her phone and tablet a few times but have found no incriminating evidence that she is actually having an affair YET. That said, I know she is logging into ashleymadison 4-5 times a week though she has no feedback from members yet.

 

Her sex drive is off the charts right now so is it possible she is just using her inbox (so to speak) as a form of stimulation / mental masturbation? She has claimed multiple times she is totally monogamous to me and acted almost offended when I asked her if she was monogamous.

 

I love this woman and love our family. I have been working my ass off on this marriage the past 6 weeks to turn myself around for her but am afraid she's too far gone emotionally and has checked out regardless of her physically being with me. On one hand, things are great on the surface but on the other hand, why is she on AM.com 3-5 times per week? I know this because I signed up for a secret account so I could see how often she was on. She seems to log in for 10-15 minute intervals then log off for the day. She's not spending all day on though she did a few weeks ago. As we've worked on things the last few weeks, she's spent less time on when she goes on but she still goes on 3-5x per week.

 

I would like her to quit ashleymadison.com but am not sure how to ask her to do so without showing that I have been logging into the site just to gauge how often she was there. I feel bad for looking but if she wasn't on a site for cheaters, I wouldn't have to.

 

Any advice would rule. Thanks. Happy to elaborate on anything I may have left out.

Edited March 1, 2016 by JackieTreehorn

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know many people will disagree with me....but if i were in your shoes I would confront my husband. That's who I am...

 

If you have lived with this woman this many years...you know when she is lying.

 

Ask her about the account.....the worst that can happen is...she denies it. That's when you take her over to the computer and show it to her. Watch her response.

 

Now...you ask her all the details and why.

 

Good luck to you.

[ShatteredLady]

You need to communicate! Turning a blind eye to this is going to eat you alive!

 

I want to warn you!! When I suspected my H was having an affair I did some strange things. Upon searching his computers I found mention of AM so I joined to see if I could find him. I was a 'member' for a number of HOURS only. I hardly filled-out the forms. Didn't say what I wanted or anything. Put in my REAL info for some reason (my mind was in a very bad place). I didn't make myself look good. My in box was FULL of men contacting me in many different ways.

 

I don't believe that a woman can be a member & NOT get many, many offers! I had no idea how many men in my area are on there!! She IS being proposed. How can you be sure she's not meeting these men if you're not aware of how they're contacting her?

 

I'm so sorry. If this is just masterbatory material bringing out into the open could help. The longer it remains a secret the more tempted to act on her fantasies she's likely to be. I know it's terrifying!! Be strong! TALK!!

[JackieTreehorn]

Thank you. I play a part in this to be sure. I did not give her enough love and affection and definitely know I in many ways pushed her to this. BUT, I have been working really hard for several weeks and when I see her consistently logging in (on Valentine's Day, 1 day after telling me she was totally monogamous, etc) then it is just frustrating. She has low self-esteem and I think her getting this attention really feels good to her after all these years of not feeling sexy. I get it. I really do. But this has to stop. It's tearing me apart.

[bathtub-row]

Her actions are inexcusable. She's basically advertising for an affair. You should talk to her about this. If she continues to lie about it or downplay what she has done, then you have an even more serious problem on your hands.

[ShatteredLady]

Please!! You didn't PUSH her into this!! If you're anything like me, you're already destroying your selfesteem & tearing yourself to pieces. It's NOT your fault!!

 

If a H is neglectful he DESERVES a good talking to!! If he continues to over focus in other areas & makes his wife feel unappreciated he might PUSH his wife to shout at him!! There's nothing a H can do to MAKE his wife sign-up for a pathetic affair site like AM (unless she's looking for him. Ugh!). There's NOTHING a H can do to MAKE his wife have an affair. It's 100% the betrayers fault.

 

Please don't own this!!

 

Keeping suffering in silence & not communicating is on you though. What are you waiting for? Are you hoping that you can woo her into cancelling her membership?

 

Sometimes in marriage one drops the ball & it's the others responsibility to catch it! I know that your situation is way more serious than that but you know what I mean? Be the grown-up. Be the open, constructive one before she destroys everything that she has. You can't take infidelity back!! It's horrific for everyone involved.

 

Tell her! Talk honestly with her! STOP this before it goes too far. Even if a couple reconciles after adultery the damage is always there. My husband stole my love story. He would do anything to turn back time but he can't & I can't regain our innocence.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she is still actively looking for someone else.

 

Nagging feeling? My friend, she's trolling on a hook-up site. Nobody's on there exchanging low-fat dinner recipes.

 

I'm with Mrs. JA, not a big fan of subtlety or subterfuge. Every day you delay is a day that, while you're at work, she may follow up on their slogan - "life is short - have an affair"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[strugglinghubby]

Well I'm going to be one of those people that says do not confront her straight away right now. You don't have enough evidence yet, all that will happen is that it will push her actions further underground and she will get better at hiding them. I know first hand as this is what I did and I had to work twice as hard to get the truth out.

 

Where is she logging on to AM? Is this from home or work on a computer or from her phone? You should be able to tell by when she is 'active' on line. Get a keylogger on your home computer straight away, one that takes screenshots at intervals and when new pages open up. There are some good free ones that will work this way for you and be completely undetectable.

 

The being overly secretive with her phone is a massive red flag. I would bank on one of two things, perhaps even both going on. 1) She is using her phone to access these dating/hookup sites (I used multiple as it's likely that she is looking in more places than just AM). Does she have an iPhone? If so log into her iTunes account and see what apps she's been downloading in her history, including the little area you can hide previous downloads. 2) She is using her phone to communicate with men further than the dating/hook up websites. This will either be through other messaging apps such as Kik or Whatsapp etc, or she is just text messaging them from her phone. Get a copy of the phone records and see what numbers and the amount of messages are being sent as well as looking at apps that have been downloaded.

 

If you find that apps have been downloaded and you can access her email account that she has used to sign up you should be able to access her messaging app/dating site accounts. Log in to her email, reset the password by providing the email address, then quickly change the password and delete the password resent email completely to remove any evidence you were there. Once you do that log in and check what she has been saying and to who.

 

Lastly, you need to start preparing yourself to stop being the Mr nice guy here. Yes we all play a part in making a marriage work, but there is no excuse for cheating. This is not your fault it is hers. You need to harden your resolve and stand up for yourself, don;t let her treat you like a doormat.

[Friskyone4u]

Jackie,

 

Here is one thing you can count on! If you just sit there for too long her fantasy about other men will become a reality.

 

The Ashley Madison site is about 75% men, and your wife participates for free. If you monitor it for a few days, you are going to fall out of your chair when you see how many responses she gets from guys that want to hook up with her.

 

So your big decision is

 

DO YOU WANT TO CONFRONT HER AFTER SHE GETS LAID??

 

OR DO YOU WANT TO TRY TO STOP IT BEFORE THAT HAPPENS?

 

My suggestion to you is to monitor it carefully for a few days. The normal operating procedure is guys will ask her for a phone number or e mail or app so they do not have to pay in order to send her a message. If she is guarding her phone like it is 24 K gold, she may already be in contact with someone.

 

Get her cell phone records from your provider, and I would install a VAR in her car.

 

If she just signed up, you have a little wiggle room, but not much. If you sit and ponder what to do, she will have met someone for sex before you can blink.

 

Unless you can track her 24/7 you better act. And to not fool yourself. I don't care if she lied and said she was a fashion model. She is going to show up at a hotel and her meet up guy, who is looking to get laid, is going to do it regardless of if she is higher in weight than she said.

 

You caught this early. You are in for a world of hurt if you get paralyzed into just sitting there.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I know several people who joined AM after the crap hit the fan...just to check it out and see what it was all about. The trouble is...once they have your e mail address....you cannot delete your account from what i understand. I do not know first hand and if i am wrong...please correct me.

 

So...there is the possibility isn't there...that she joined out of curiosity? Especially since she only joined 5 weeks ago and she has had no correspondence with anyone. Is it possible she joined to see if your name was there?

 

If you have been getting along BETTER in the past 5 weeks....I tend to shy away from the idea she is having an affair of any kind. Most people involved in an affair do not get along better with their spouse while they are involved with someone else.

[understand50]

Jackie,

 

Take action now. This is the only course to take. If you value your family and wife, stop her now. Let her know that you know, and consider it the same as if she has already had sex with another man. Tell her if she want second chance she will need to be totally transparent, and remorseful. She has pasted the "this is just a phase point" Have her read the link at the top of the page. You read it as well.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

TAKE ACTION, you will regret it if you do not. If you are lucky, she has not done anything and the fact she was discovered and may now lose you and her family will stop her. Hopefully, it will get her to think what she is doing. Many affairs start, because two happen at once, they are in the mood for it, and an opportunity happens along. Yes, she may regret it, but the pain and damage will be there.

 

Treat this as a full blown affair. If she was seeing some one and having SEX, what would you do?

 

I wish you luck

[understand50]

I know several people who joined AM after the crap hit the fan...just to check it out and see what it was all about. The trouble is...once they have your e mail address....you cannot delete your account from what i understand. I do not know first hand and if i am wrong...please correct me.

 

So...there is the possibility isn't there...that she joined out of curiosity? Especially since she only joined 5 weeks ago and she has had no correspondence with anyone. Is it possible she joined to see if your name was there?

 

If you have been getting along BETTER in the past 5 weeks....I tend to shy away from the idea she is having an affair of any kind. Most people involved in an affair do not get along better with their spouse while they are involved with someone else.

 

 

Let us hope....................

[JackieTreehorn]

I know several people who joined AM after the crap hit the fan...just to check it out and see what it was all about. The trouble is...once they have your e mail address....you cannot delete your account from what i understand. I do not know first hand and if i am wrong...please correct me.

 

So...there is the possibility isn't there...that she joined out of curiosity? Especially since she only joined 5 weeks ago and she has had no correspondence with anyone. Is it possible she joined to see if your name was there?

 

If you have been getting along BETTER in the past 5 weeks....I tend to shy away from the idea she is having an affair of any kind. Most people involved in an affair do not get along better with their spouse while they are involved with someone else.

 

I can verify that she's on AM.com most days but not for long. I don't think she'd be on to that degree almost 6 weeks after signing up if she was only curious. Either she is only reading the stuff she gets and deleting and using as some form of stimuli, or she's already connected with one or more men and have taken the communication off the site. I have not yet seen any emails, texts, phone calls or anything else though and I am usually a pretty good detective. I think she's being very cautious and doing a good job of deleting the evidence.

 

I just spoke with her and she has so much resentment built up over the years that she in many ways thinks my recent overtures are just too late. She was crying over the phone and just rehashed so many things that have happened that are years and years in the past. We need some marriage counseling stat.

[strugglinghubby]

 

If you have been getting along BETTER in the past 5 weeks....I tend to shy away from the idea she is having an affair of any kind. Most people involved in an affair do not get along better with their spouse while they are involved with someone else.

 

Actually mine did, our sex life became very intense. Also we started spending more time together. It was weird, almost like she was feeling slightly guilty and was overcompensating. The thing was I knew it didn't feel right, it's one of the things that tipped me off that something wasn't right. There is no script to how someone will act when in the midst of an affair or contemplating one. Everyone acts different.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. I play a part in this to be sure. I did not give her enough love and affection and definitely know I in many ways pushed her to this. BUT, I have been working really hard for several weeks and when I see her consistently logging in (on Valentine's Day, 1 day after telling me she was totally monogamous, etc) then it is just frustrating. She has low self-esteem and I think her getting this attention really feels good to her after all these years of not feeling sexy. I get it. I really do. But this has to stop. It's tearing me apart.

 

Stop blaming yourself. She's a grown woman and if she was unhappy, stressed out, needed a break from the kids, needed more from you she could have spoken up and had conversations with you. She could have chosen to bring you to marriage counseling so you two could reconnect and find passion again. Instead she took the matter into her own hands, selfishly, and looked elsewhere to get her needs met and to have her ego fed.

 

If she has low self esteem then she needs to go talk to a professional and sort it out, not turn to other men! Doing that only adds more problems and makes things worse. And, she's hurting and betraying you!

 

Give her a choice. She quits her selfish behavior, gets help, rids of her account on A.M or she can move out and do as she pleases but you get the house and the kids. She can't continue doing this, it's just not right.

[strugglinghubby]

I can verify that she's on AM.com most days but not for long. I don't think she'd be on to that degree almost 6 weeks after signing up if she was only curious. Either she is only reading the stuff she gets and deleting and using as some form of stimuli, or she's already connected with one or more men and have taken the communication off the site. I have not yet seen any emails, texts, phone calls or anything else though and I am usually a pretty good detective. I think she's being very cautious and doing a good job of deleting the evidence.

 

I just spoke with her and she has so much resentment built up over the years that she in many ways thinks my recent overtures are just too late. She was crying over the phone and just rehashed so many things that have happened that are years and years in the past. We need some marriage counseling stat.

 

Dig deeper, you don't even have close to all the information yet. You need to make a choice very quickly, do you go into full blown investigation mode or do you confront her with what you have. Don't rest in this state of limbo not really doing either. The only thing that will happen in that position is that you can guarantee that nothing will change, and her cheating ways will continue, and if she hasn't met up with anyone yet the longer you leave the much greater chance that she will.

 

It's just me but I would go full investigation mode over the next week - keylogger, iTunes snooping, phone bills, checking email accounts, VAR in car, check location history on phone to see where she has been going etc. If nothing turns up then I would confront her about her AM profile.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I can verify that she's on AM.com most days but not for long. I don't think she'd be on to that degree almost 6 weeks after signing up if she was only curious. Either she is only reading the stuff she gets and deleting and using as some form of stimuli, or she's already connected with one or more men and have taken the communication off the site. I have not yet seen any emails, texts, phone calls or anything else though and I am usually a pretty good detective. I think she's being very cautious and doing a good job of deleting the evidence.

 

I just spoke with her and she has so much resentment built up over the years that she in many ways thinks my recent overtures are just too late. She was crying over the phone and just rehashed so many things that have happened that are years and years in the past. We need some marriage counseling stat.

 

you know your wife...we don't. I don't know how the site works....can you just read erotic stories or anything like that? Or is it strictly a place to hook up?

 

In my gut...I think she is guilty...but I like to be optimistic and look at other possibilities before condemning a stranger I know nothing about.

 

If you truly think she is guilty....then you need to have a plan. Understand50 gave you a wonderful reference to help you.

 

 

Strugglinghubby....I did say MOST...not ALL. Yours was the exception. and you are right....not every case of infidelity follows the same script.

[BetrayedH]

I used AM as the vehicle for my own affair. There ain't nothin' innocent about it, Mrs JA. It's all people looking at other people to have an affair with, period.

 

OP, the best confrontation you can possibly have with your wife about this (whether you want to save your marriage or not) is done with divorce papers. She'll either snap out of it immediately, or you'll be on the way to the divorce you need.

[Mirage10]

I am with some of the others on here, saying that you need to dig deeper, asap! Knowledge is power. VARS, keyloggers, gps, etc.

Maybe she has a second cell phone. Is there anyway that you can get hold of her phone, while she is sleeping, etc., to install spyware or at least go through her messages? What you are seeing may only be the tip of the iceberg, hopefully not, but don't be surpised. If you confront her without knowing all the facts and how deep this goes, you will only warn her to either erase all evidence or go deeper underground.

[happyman64]

You both need professional counseling.

 

Especially if your wife has that much animosity built up towards you.

 

This happens often in marriages that have special needs children.

 

Find a good counselor.

 

Arrange a consultation. Take your wife with you. Grab a few screenshots of her AM account and deal with her with the counselor present.

 

Tell your wife you want it out in the open before she goes too far. That a relationship with a 3rd party will be a deal breaker in the marriage.

 

Your wife will either decide to work on the marriage or get out of the marriage. Don't let her sit on the fence.

 

Be decisive.

 

HM

[Mrs. John Adams]

I used AM as the vehicle for my own affair. There ain't nothin' innocent about it, Mrs JA. It's all people looking at other people to have an affair with, period.

 

OP, the best confrontation you can possibly have with your wife about this (whether you want to save your marriage or not) is done with divorce papers. She'll either snap out of it immediately, or you'll be on the way to the divorce you need.

 

You know much better than I and I thank you for addressing it for me.

 

I really am sorry op has to suffer this. Like I said....I would confront....and if it cause her to cover up there are ways to uncover.

[TX-SC]

I would confront her immediately and blow this wide open before it goes any farther. I would then seek counseling for both of you and include MC as part of that. It honestly sounds like she is lookong for an exit affair. If you want to save your marriage, you better nip this now and start working to overcome her resentment.

[oldshirt]

I know she is logging into ashleymadison 4-5 times a week though she has no feedback from members yet.

 

 

She is deleting her responses as soon as she reads them.

 

 

Trust me on this she has had hundreds if not thousands of messages and offers.

 

 

Don't believe me, try this experiment yourself. Sign up on Ashley Madison and post a picture of a wart-covered, toothless, 350 lb, 65 year old woman that hasn't showered in a month and say that you are looking for some NSA sex and I guarantee you in the first hour you will receive dozens if not hundreds of hits.

 

 

If you aren't seeing any messages on there it means she is on that site almost 24/7 and is deleting them as fast as they are coming in.

 

 

If you don't believe me, just do what I suggested and you will see for yourself.

[oldshirt]

 

I just spoke with her and she has so much resentment built up over the years that she in many ways thinks my recent overtures are just too late. She was crying over the phone and just rehashed so many things that have happened that are years and years in the past.

 

Resentment and rewriting marital history (ie rehashing old hurts that weren't really that big of an issue at the time) are actually signs of a current affair.

 

 

When people get that hormone rush from being with someone new, it very often results in them becoming very bitter and resentful towards the BS. It's their big brain trying to reconcile the feelings they are feeling with their little brain and their subconscious trying to discredit the marriage and the BS to justify their new lovey-dovey feelings for the OM.

 

 

The spike in sexual activity and intensity in the initial stages is also a classic sign. This is because they may not have felt sexual in a long time and now that the OM has flipped on their horny switches the hormones are starting to flow again. And some of that is also to cover their tracks and make it seem like everything is hunky dory at home so no reason for you to go snooping through their phone and emails etc.

 

 

And there is even a much darker evolutionary side to the spike in sexual activity with the BS to cover their tracks and that is in case they have been impregnated by the OM. If they are impregnated by the OM an increase in sexual activity at home will cover their tracks if they are pregnant. This very thing happened to poster named HurtHusband here. They hadn't had sex in years and suddenly she was all over him for awhile. It was because she was pregnant from another man and needed him to think it was his. That isn't fluke, it actually happens quite a bit.

 

 

This rabbit hole goes way way deeper than what you think it does. This is a situation you would be well served to hire a professional investigator to get to the bottom of everything so you know what is really happening here. You are still in quite a bit of denial and have your head in the sand. It is actually way much worse than what you think it is right now :-(

[sandylee1]

I think she's after an online affair and thrill. You have to know that if you lie about your weight like that you'd seriously disappoint someone if you meet IRL.

Years ago I did online dating and not being a size 8.... I would absolutely never try and say I was.

 

You can be anyone in cyberspace.