14 year marriage on the ropes - ashleymadison

[turnera]

You can't make someone do what you want. But you can change yourself so that you give them a reason to do what you want. My suggestion is for you to get the book His Needs Her Needs, so you can understand what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like, and make changes accordingly.

 

And in the meantime, see if you can install a keystroker on her machine so you can see what she's actually typing. And do NOT accept responsibility for 'snooping' when it was she who went to AM in the first place. Keep the conversation about that. Every time you ask her to get off you look weaker and more unattractive.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude seriously.

 

 

It's Ashley Madison. There is no other reason for her to be on there. She isn't even trying to deny it.

 

 

Stop being so naïve and gullible.

 

Yeah their slogan isn't "Life is short, cook some tasty recipes."

[66Charger]

You feel like YOU screwed up?

 

Bro, there are doormats and then there is the dirt underneath the doormat. When you go home, please lift up your outdoor rug and take a look at that dirt. I am being sincere in this. Take a look. Thats what your wife thinks of you.

 

What do you think of yourself?

[66Charger]

I hope you actually look under the mat. And if you do, do yourself a favor.

 

Throw away the door mat and sweep your porch clean, so that everyday you come home, you will look at your porch step and say to yourself,

 

There is no doormat in my house.

 

Strength and Honor.

[aliveagain]

I feel like a screwed up. Things had been going really well for weeks, or so I thought. I told her 2 days ago that her going on AM really hurt me and I hoped she'd stop doing that. She said she only rarely went on and just to clear her in box. After we speak, I see that she went on again that afternoon. Fast forward to this morning and she's very loving and even tells me she loves me--first time in months she's said that. That said, I still had my nagging doubts and just wanted to see if she meant it. She hadn't signed on in 2 days but I figured I'd check. Sure enough, 15 minutes before she tells me she loves me on the phone, she was on Ashley Madison "clearing out her in box." I brought up to her that I really wish she'd not go on AM.com as I don't want to compete with other men.

 

She went ballistic and went off on me for spying on her and feeling like she has no privacy. She blamed me for it since she said she was neglected for 14 years and now said she can't trust me! She can never give herself to me 100% fully b/c see what happens?

I'm flabbergasted. Yes, I went on a site you can sign up for in 30 seconds and verified she's still going on it. It's a freaking site for cheaters! And she's mad at me!

 

I want to love this woman. I wanted her to not go on anymore and she first said she wouldn't, but then she said she can't make any promised b/c she doesn't know if and when I'll change. I've been working on myself and our relationship very hard for the past 2 months and she should know this best of all.

 

I think she is lying to me and is having 1 or more cyberaffairs and really doesn't want to give them up. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Friend, a wife who is unhappy in her marriage but is committed to staying faithful will usually voice her concerns to her husband. A wife who is going outside of her marriage will usually stop talking about how unhappy she is because she's finding what she needs elsewhere. Having an AM account isn't an accident, you have to apply for it. People go there for one reason, to cheat. They not only go there to tell some strangers about their kinks and fetishes but often to bitch about their spouses.

 

When you confronted her about having an Ashley Madison account, keeping her account was not negotiable if she wants the marriage. There is never ever a "just going to clear out her in box" because there should be no account. Why are you allowing your wife the opportunity to date by keeping the account? You need to draw your line in the sand and tell her your requirements for remaining in the marriage including the closing of her AM account. If she refuses then take the steps to protect yourself including removing her from your life. Having to share your wife with other men is just about the worst position to be in. Take yourself out of infidelity if she won't.

[Miss Peach]

I'm going to disagree with many of the posts here. If you KNOW she's logging on, has a profile, and has an account this is all you need to know IMO. Tracking her, key logging software, etc. isn't going to help the situation. In fact it will make things worse. The thing is you cannot control HER behavior. So you need to figure out what it is YOU want to do knowing that she is at least looking for attention outside your marriage and wants other men at least in fantasy.

 

The thing with fault is that it doesn't help you repair the relationship if that's what you want to continue doing. The reality of the situation is that you are probably both at fault to some degree.

 

SHE stepped over the line by signing up for AM and that's a huge violation of trust. You are within your rights to just end things if that's what you want to do. But I am a big believe that each person in a relationship has a role in it and is contributing to making it better or worse. Even if you don't fix it with her, you need to understand your role to avoid it affecting other relationships. The take away for you is to prioritize your relationship.

 

My suspicion, regardless if she met any of these guys, is that after being neglected she wanted to feel sexy. I know I went through this in my own marriage as my XH checked out on me completely. She probably likes the attention she is getting and it probably is fueling the increase in sex. I know when I get a lot of male attention my sex drive soars.

 

The monogamous comments were probably a half truth. She probably hasn't met any of these guys who she would still be monogamous sexually. You know she isn't socially - she is logging onto a website.

 

I do agree with Mrs. John Adams. I would get my thoughts in order first as to what I can live with and can't. Then I would confront her. You know she's not being trustworthy and wants attention outside your marriage. This is enough IMO to confront her about. There's no need to snoop for the entire story as it won't change the outcome.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Yeah their slogan isn't "Life is short, cook some tasty recipes."

 

Sorry for the t/j everyone, but that made me chuckle dot! ....carry on!

[BeholdtheMan]

Is OP actually considering staying with this woman?

[understand50]

I think the OP is long gone........

[Try]

She was once in love with me but will no longer hug me, kiss me, or say she loves me

That is your wife being ready to cheat.

 

why is she on AM.com 3-5 times per week?

If you go to ashleymadison.com, the main page tells you the entire purpose of the site and why your wife is there. It says in big letters that "Life is short. Have an affair". Data shows that since less than 10% of the members are female, females get picked up right away, so the odds are that your wife is already in play with other men.

[Marc878]

You are a bad husband for invading on her privacy to cheat?

 

If that doesn't tell you how far gone she is nothing will.

 

Nothing to salvage here.

[Friskyone4u]

Jackie,

 

You have gotten about every explanation on what Ashley Madison is known to man. And for women, it is like a sexual buffet.

 

Do you finally get it?????? She either is already cheating on you, or is going to.

 

What is your plan??? The time for questions is over, and personally if you accept her being pissed at you for invading her privacy so she has a harder time cheating, there is no advice that can help you.