14 year marriage on the ropes - ashleymadison

[ShatteredLady]

AM isn't like a dating site though. From my experience...I wrote so very little...the men are desperate for a 'real' woman who's willing to have no ties, no complications sex. As long as you're female & have a pulse you will do!

 

I didn't realize that they payed money to contact through AM!! Maybe I seemed real because I wrote so little... My whole first page of email was filled within an hour or so!!

 

All I could see were the men's details, height etc. no sexy stories or anything. To be checking that often, to be getting a 'thrill', she needs to be communicating. Find out how & you will find out what she's saying.

[Mirage10]

Do you know her password for AM? Can you log in as her maybe at 2am and have a look in her inbox? As oldshirt says, get a PI involved.

[merrmeade]

I used AM as the vehicle for my own affair. There ain't nothin' innocent about it, Mrs JA. It's all people looking at other people to have an affair with, period.

 

OP, the best confrontation you can possibly have with your wife about this (whether you want to save your marriage or not) is done with divorce papers. She'll either snap out of it immediately, or you'll be on the way to the divorce you need.

Don't be scared off by this suggestion. Nothing else will get her attention or make her believe that what she's doing is untenable to you. Nothing will get through about your hurt, etc. unless SHE sees real action. Anything less doesn't sink in. She just won't get it.

 

I know this from hindsight following personal experience a month after Dday. When I actually left overnight, I realize now that it freaked him out to the point of almost telling me everything I needed to know and becoming completely humble. Instead he was let off the hook because I didn't stand my ground and came home. So he had no compelling reason to divulge anything more. It took 2-1/2 years to get all the truth because he clearly felt nothing would happen.

[merrmeade]

... I needed to know and becoming completely humble.

No idea what I meant to say with "becoming completely humble." It was late.

 

But I don't think that "becoming humble" would be enough or would have been for my husband. My experience is the wayward spouse (WS) needs to be shocked into realizing that, BECAUSE of his/her actions, everything is about to change completely one way or another. The game is up and s/he is no longer the one in control about what happens or doesn't.

 

Something big like actually leaving or serving divorce papers is the only thing that scares them. It's a shock and humiliation to suddenly have a spotlight on you when you thought you were going to just hide out in the shadows of your dirty little secrets that even you don't look at very closely. Suddenly you have to face the truth of what you've done and how it affects others. You're no longer in control or able to sneak around. You realize your actions have have consequences.

 

I've read about waywards who won't give it up, and, if that's the case, don't you want to know? Don't you want to know what's the priority for your wife?

 

I'd discovered one more thing my husband had done: He'd been seriously flirting with someone in his StumbleUpon contacts and planning to hook up. I said that was it, I'd told him no more secrets. He minimized its importance and I think had truly forgotten about it. It indicated to me that I couldn't trust him, didn't know the truth and probably there was more to know (there was). So I told him this and left. I let him know where I was next morning. He came there and I said to tell me the rest. He clenched his fists, didn't talk, didn't talk, didn't talk and finally .... I folded. I gave some verbal ultimatum which DID NOTHING. I realize now that he essentially felt saved. He was off the hook; there was no pressure to do anything. If I'd stuck to ACTION - so that he SAW that he was about to be dumped - I am 100% sure that he would have told me everything and done anything I'd asked.

 

Instead, we slowly worked through the truth - all at my expense. We've arrived at nearly the same place we could have arrived at then and no thanks to him. Please don't make that mistake.

 

That said, I think there are other ways for you to get more information - all the ways mentioned but also bank records, credit card charges, deleted messages (get the software). If I were in your situation (knowing what I know now), I'd go for broke to get the information in, say, a few more days and then serve.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jackie Treehorn, it's been sometime that you visited your thread. You have been given some excellent advice by the good people on this forum. However you have to have the will power to address your problems yourself. Take the bull by the horns as they say otherwise you will flounder while your wife rides roughshod over you.

Hope you find the strength to act for your own benefit. Warm wishes.

[spanz1]

We've gone out on some hot dates and have been calling and IMing each other so much more than we have in years but I still have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she is still actively looking for someone else.

 

She often fantasizes about other men and has brought up bringing other men into our bedroom before. She has also made it clear to me she'd like to visit a sex club. She has fantasies about other guys but then she acts jealous if I ever discuss being with other women.

 

What do I do?

 

Her sex drive is off the charts right now

 

Any advice would rule. Thanks. Happy to elaborate on anything I may have left out.

 

 

 

well, what HAVE you done to satisfy her sexual lust/fantasies? Sounds like nothing much. Everyone here seems to be all about her potentially cheating and doing things online. But she TOLD YOU she needs more and kinkier sex, wants to visit sex clubs, and so on.

 

 

So her basic urge/need right now it more and kinkier sex. You CAN give her that without involving other men. Role Playing, BDSM, lingerie, new sex acts, sexual games, .....

 

 

If you do nothing, you are virtually driving her to find a more dominant man to satisfy her kinks. IF you instead have honest and detailed sexual conversations about what she wants/needs, and you try to fulfill those...then she will at least see you are trying.

[happyman64]

How are you making out Jackie Treehorn?

[RRM321]

Can I assume you want this marriage? Before you do anything - decide this question first.

 

This onion has more than a few layers - that's a lot of separate issues to be peeled back and dealt with one at a time.

 

It's easy to put your finger on the Ashley Madison/Affair thing because it's tangible but, it's just a symptom - not an actual problem.

 

I suggest that you refrain from spying and getting yourself all wrapped up in the frenzy of an affair monster. An affair - if one exists isn't the big bad wolf that's blowing down you house. That wind has been blowing for a long time and you're going to need professional help to find and get out from under that weather pattern.

 

Talk. Take a risk. Get to some kind of counseling - not to "fix" anyone or anything - simply to find out who each of you are and why/where you're failing to connect.

Edited March 7, 2016 by RRM321

[JackieTreehorn]

I feel like a screwed up. Things had been going really well for weeks, or so I thought. I told her 2 days ago that her going on AM really hurt me and I hoped she'd stop doing that. She said she only rarely went on and just to clear her in box. After we speak, I see that she went on again that afternoon. Fast forward to this morning and she's very loving and even tells me she loves me--first time in months she's said that. That said, I still had my nagging doubts and just wanted to see if she meant it. She hadn't signed on in 2 days but I figured I'd check. Sure enough, 15 minutes before she tells me she loves me on the phone, she was on Ashley Madison "clearing out her in box." I brought up to her that I really wish she'd not go on AM.com as I don't want to compete with other men.

 

She went ballistic and went off on me for spying on her and feeling like she has no privacy. She blamed me for it since she said she was neglected for 14 years and now said she can't trust me! She can never give herself to me 100% fully b/c see what happens?

 

I'm flabbergasted. Yes, I went on a site you can sign up for in 30 seconds and verified she's still going on it. It's a freaking site for cheaters! And she's mad at me!

 

I want to love this woman. I wanted her to not go on anymore and she first said she wouldn't, but then she said she can't make any promised b/c she doesn't know if and when I'll change. I've been working on myself and our relationship very hard for the past 2 months and she should know this best of all.

 

I think she is lying to me and is having 1 or more cyberaffairs and really doesn't want to give them up. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too.

[dreamingoftigers]

She's full of it and defending her ridiculous behaviour.

 

The quickest way to recover your sanity and self-esteem is to kick her to the curb.

 

You don't deserve that kind of disrespectful abdvshe clearly isn't any kind of remorseful.

 

Clearly you can't trust her entitled brat self.

[MrMeh]

She's manipulating you with her defensive behavior and blatant lying. She's blaming you for everything wrong in the marriage and basically playing with you until she hits the jackpot on AM.

 

Please get an attorney immediately in order to make sure everything goes smoothly with your children.

[Almond_Joy]

What she's done is not justifiable, first and foremost. This was wrong of her to do without your knowledge and wrong of her to continue doing, whatever benefit it's garnered to herself or the relationship.

 

I couldn't help but notice you mentioned that she has asked you about different sexual scenarios over the years. I'm assuming you've turned them down/refused to participate.

 

....It sounds like her sexual tastes are very different from yours. I would guess that she's been harboring sexual frustration for years.

 

If you don't want to branch out sexually to experiment with some of the things she's expressed interest in (completely understandable), then I'd guess that she will continue trying to find outlets for her sexual desires. Whether it's this cybersex, or actual sex. It's not going to go away.

 

IF my guess is right, asking/demanding her to stop using AM will either:

 

A) Stop her from branching out sexually completely, in which case she will resume being the resentful distant woman you've been living with (and will probably become more withdrawn and resentful), or

 

B) Motivate her to find other ways to fulfill some of her sexual curiosities.

[Ladyjane14]

I feel like a screwed up. Things had been going really well for weeks, or so I thought. I told her 2 days ago that her going on AM really hurt me and I hoped she'd stop doing that. She said she only rarely went on and just to clear her in box. After we speak, I see that she went on again that afternoon. Fast forward to this morning and she's very loving and even tells me she loves me--first time in months she's said that. That said, I still had my nagging doubts and just wanted to see if she meant it. She hadn't signed on in 2 days but I figured I'd check. Sure enough, 15 minutes before she tells me she loves me on the phone, she was on Ashley Madison "clearing out her in box." I brought up to her that I really wish she'd not go on AM.com as I don't want to compete with other men.

 

She went ballistic and went off on me for spying on her and feeling like she has no privacy. She blamed me for it since she said she was neglected for 14 years and now said she can't trust me! She can never give herself to me 100% fully b/c see what happens?

 

I'm flabbergasted. Yes, I went on a site you can sign up for in 30 seconds and verified she's still going on it. It's a freaking site for cheaters! And she's mad at me!

 

I want to love this woman. I wanted her to not go on anymore and she first said she wouldn't, but then she said she can't make any promised b/c she doesn't know if and when I'll change. I've been working on myself and our relationship very hard for the past 2 months and she should know this best of all.

 

I think she is lying to me and is having 1 or more cyberaffairs and really doesn't want to give them up. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Make an appointment with an attorney and find out what your options are in a divorce settlement. 14 years might seem like a long time to you right now, but tack another 20 onto it and imagine what it would be like to still be dealing with the immature selfishness you're dealing with today. Really step into that moment, examine it like a bug under glass. That's not someplace you're going to want to be, I promise you.

 

Sometimes you can't get a spouse's full attention until you go big, you know? Shut the internet off, cancel the cell phones, give her your attorney's business card, let her know that you're ready and willing to leave the marriage rather than put up with a promiscuous wife. Accept no excuses. And do read a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The "walls and windows" concept she puts forward is what's going to be needed if you decide to attempt marital repair.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said she only rarely went on and just to clear her in box.

 

I've never heard it called that before.

 

She's cheating through a website where cheaters meet cheaters - and you're the problem?

 

Jackie, wake up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I think she is lying to me and is having 1 or more cyberaffairs and really doesn't want to give them up. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

You love her but she isn't the woman you married right now. She's only thinking of herself and doesn't seem to care the affect it's having on you with her going on AM.

 

She is broken inside and for whatever reasons, she's getting something out of being on that site.

 

Do you want to stay with someone who shows you no love, respect or honour? Again, she isn't the woman you married, and until she's ready to own her choices and stop blaming you, ready to apologize and be genuine about it, (sorry you may not like this) but kick her out. Ask her to pack her bags and GO, that you will not stand for her behavior anymore. It may be the only way to shock enough so she'll wake up and realize she needs to work with you instead of against you.

[Marc878]

Lovely women do not join AM.

 

You are in strong denial of who she really is.

 

Making excuses and blaming yourself doesn't change the facts.

 

There is no excuses for infidelity. It's a willful knowing decision.

 

You should wake up and get your finances separate and see your attourney.

 

You are in for the nightmare and ride of your life.

 

Sorry you're here man

[oldshirt]

Dude seriously.

 

 

It's Ashley Madison. There is no other reason for her to be on there. She isn't even trying to deny it.

 

 

Stop being so naïve and gullible.

[Ramius]

She is cake eating. She gets to have you and AM. It could be an EA or a PA.

 

Either way she won't stop because you ask her to. Cheaters don't respond to discussion, begging, pleading, etc. In fact when you do that she loses what little respect she has for you. You come across to her as weak.

 

Trying to reason with a cheater is a losing proposition. They only thing they understand is pain, fear, and not being the one in control. So it's time you take control away from her.

 

No more asking. I would suggest you do the following. You separate the finances. See a lawyer. File. Have her served. You DO NOT tell her you are going to any of this. Divorces take months to complete and you can always call it off.

 

Her reaction will tell you a lot. If she breaks down in a heap of tears saying she will do anything to save the marriage....demand a polygraph. You cannot trust anything she says right now.

 

If she tells you to piss off then the marriage was already dead. You just didn't know it.

[spanz1]

I feel like a screwed up. Things had been going really well for weeks, or so I thought. I told her 2 days ago that her going on AM really hurt me and I hoped she'd stop doing that. She said she only rarely went on and just to clear her in box. After we speak, I see that she went on again that afternoon. Fast forward to this morning and she's very loving and even tells me she loves me--first time in months she's said that. That said, I still had my nagging doubts and just wanted to see if she meant it. She hadn't signed on in 2 days but I figured I'd check. Sure enough, 15 minutes before she tells me she loves me on the phone, she was on Ashley Madison "clearing out her in box." I brought up to her that I really wish she'd not go on AM.com as I don't want to compete with other men.

 

She went ballistic and went off on me for spying on her and feeling like she has no privacy. She blamed me for it since she said she was neglected for 14 years and now said she can't trust me! She can never give herself to me 100% fully b/c see what happens?

 

I'm flabbergasted. Yes, I went on a site you can sign up for in 30 seconds and verified she's still going on it. It's a freaking site for cheaters! And she's mad at me!

 

I want to love this woman. I wanted her to not go on anymore and she first said she wouldn't, but then she said she can't make any promised b/c she doesn't know if and when I'll change. I've been working on myself and our relationship very hard for the past 2 months and she should know this best of all.

 

I think she is lying to me and is having 1 or more cyberaffairs and really doesn't want to give them up. She just wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

 

like I suggested, what the heck have YOU done to up your sex with her??? She is horny, wants kinky sex, and all you are doing is saying no no no in her mind. go do something kinky to her, right now!

 

 

Your approach is almost guaranteeing she will hook up with someone else.

[heartwhole]

I'm very sorry you're in this position.

 

A major breakdown in your marriage has occurred. Even if it's "just" a cyber or emotional affair, your wife is using her resentment as an excuse to behave outside the bounds of marriage.

 

You monitoring her and nicely asking her not to go on a cheating website have not worked. So I would stop that tack immediately.

 

There is something known as the "180" which you can read about with a quick google search. Basically it means to stop chasing the cheater and feeding their drama, and instead focusing on yourself -- getting healthy and making yourself happy.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her that we are separating and I will be filing for divorce, but I am willing to work on the marriage if she stops communicating with men looking for affairs and attends counseling. You can give her a deadline -- in two weeks I need to see that you have cancelled your account and set up a counseling appointment. If not, I will file on that date.

 

I know it's overwhelming to have her throwing out all her excuses for her behavior. My WH did the same thing when I discovered his affair. He had all this resentment built up that came spilling out. I did what you did and thought, "Why didn't you tell me before? Of course we can work on this!" And we could. But the immediately task at hand was to stop the bleeding from the traumatic blow of infidelity and let that heal. THEN you can focus on making your marriage better for both of your benefits.

 

You can't control her. You can only control what you accept.

 

Good luck.

[Popsicle]

I can't believe that ashleymadison website is still up.

 

But I guess it's better for the married people to be in there than to be pretending to be single on the regular dating sites.

[Friskyone4u]

Jackie

 

What are you thinking . Your wife is practically daily going on a website that she registers for whose only purpose for existing is to facilitate married people cheating on their spouses. And you are begging her not to do it.

 

And now she is making you out to be an idiot for "spying" on her. She is clearing her in box after she has told her admirers what she wants to.

 

Understand something. These men who are contacting her will very shortly ask her for a secret e mail or phone so that they can contact her without paying . And you can take it to the bank she has set that up.

 

Now if you want to keep playing this ridiculous cat and mouse game with your "lovely" wife, you can also take it to the bank that while you please she is meeting someone for sex.

 

If you decide you want to k is what the hell is going on , you will get off your butt, put a VAR in her car and find out who the hell she is meeting.

 

Or I guess you can keep pleading . Very sad

[turnera]

You can't make someone do what you want. But you can change yourself so that you give them a reason to do what you want. My suggestion is for you to get the book His Needs Her Needs, so you can understand what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like, and make changes accordingly.

 

And in the meantime, see if you can install a keystroker on her machine so you can see what she's actually typing. And do NOT accept responsibility for 'snooping' when it was she who went to AM in the first place. Keep the conversation about that. Every time you ask her to get off you look weaker and more unattractive.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dude seriously.

 

 

It's Ashley Madison. There is no other reason for her to be on there. She isn't even trying to deny it.

 

 

Stop being so naïve and gullible.

 

Yeah their slogan isn't "Life is short, cook some tasty recipes."

[66Charger]

You feel like YOU screwed up?

 

Bro, there are doormats and then there is the dirt underneath the doormat. When you go home, please lift up your outdoor rug and take a look at that dirt. I am being sincere in this. Take a look. Thats what your wife thinks of you.

 

What do you think of yourself?