Commitment Phobe? How to move forward...

[goodriddance]

goodriddance, you are the OP. (Original Poster). :)

 

It is very common to refer to original poster that way. Not meant to be offensive.

 

hahahaha... well then I guess OP's story is EXACTLY like mine.

[katiegrl]

Hi goodriddance, sorry for the code it baffled me too in the beginning. OP Stands for original poster: I meant you.

 

Lately their are many threads in this forum about people with dismissive-avoidant attachment. The term commitment phobe is generally used for a somewhat broader range of people who flee relationships for whatever reason.

 

I realize the term commitment phobe is a catch-all term too.

 

I think it's used because it's a term most people can relate to, rather than "dismissive-avoidant" and other such clinical terms.

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[Itspointless]

I realize the term commitment phobe is a catch-all term too.

 

I think it's used because it's a term most people can relate to, rather than "dismissive-avoidant" and other such *psychological* terms.

Yeah well, in December there was one member (a women) where I mentioned this and I was told that I was too clinical. She followed with telling me that she had a BA in Psychology and definitely knew her ex was more than a dismissive-avoidant. She thanked me, but also told me that I wasn't helping. Its always amusing to me when people mention their education.

 

Yes, I think you are right. At the same time it is a shame if it hinders people to also find good information that is also there. The term commitment phobic sounds better for a lot of people, also because it is a term that makes it easier for people to be mad (which can be a very good and healthy emotion). But unfortunately a lot of people use it to never look towards their own part in the whole ordeal. As with my example above. Why do many people study psychology? Not because they want to help other people. I have to note in exclamation-marks that I have nothing against psychologists, I am very pleased there are there and helped me a lot! Still it is the most common trap that people fall into when they choose a social occupation: many want to be helped themselves.

 

Anyway I am rambling.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Itspointless

[TheScientist]

Hi goodriddance, sorry for the code it baffled me too in the beginning. OP Stands for original poster: I meant you.

 

Lately their are many threads in this forum about people with dismissive-avoidant attachment. The term commitment phobe is generally used for a somewhat broader range of people who flee relationships for whatever reason.

 

As pointless pointed out there are a lot of threads, It's easy to get confused as the patterns and behaviours are very similar, because the end destined result is the same - to not end up with you, but in general you can tell when it's something a little more complicated than just general commitment phobia.

 

Like my ex would actively avoid intimacy with me on a physical level and make sure he had access to casual sex while pushing me away in that way, then he started becoming more and more distant, but at the same time you can see the frustration because they want to be close to you but can't!

 

Xxx

[katiegrl]

Yeah well, in December there was one member (a women) where I mentioned this and I was told that I was too clinical. She followed with telling me that she had a BA in Psychology and definitely knew her ex was more than a dismissive-avoidant. She thanked me, but also told me that I wasn't helping. Its always amusing to me when people mention their education.

 

Yes, I think you are right. At the same time it is a shame if it hinders people to also find good information that is also there. The term commitment phobic sounds better for a lot of people, also because it is a term that makes it easier for people to be mad (which can be a very good and healthy emotion). But unfortunately a lot of people use it to never look towards their own part in the whole ordeal. As with my example above. Why do many people study psychology? Not because they want to help other people. I have to note in exclamation-marks that I have nothing against psychologists, I am very pleased there are there and helped me a lot! Still it is the most common trap that people fall into when they choose a social occupation: many want to be helped themselves.

 

Anyway I am rambling.

 

Well said and 100% agree!

[goodriddance]

As pointless pointed out there are a lot of threads, It's easy to get confused as the patterns and behaviours are very similar, because the end destined result is the same - to not end up with you, but in general you can tell when it's something a little more complicated than just general commitment phobia.

 

Like my ex would actively avoid intimacy with me on a physical level and make sure he had access to casual sex while pushing me away in that way, then he started becoming more and more distant, but at the same time you can see the frustration because they want to be close to you but can't!

 

Xxx

 

It's so crazy to me!!! How fast their emotions can change at the drop of a dime!!! UUUUUUUUUGH.

 

My ex would do the same thing, each time before leaving me. Would withhold sex and actually TELL me (I didn't even bring it up) that it was because of work. Purposely telling me about it beforehand... is kinda creepy to me now... like he was CONVINCING himself that it's cause of work and NOT because of his issues.

[katiegrl]

As pointless pointed out there are a lot of threads, It's easy to get confused as the patterns and behaviours are very similar, because the end destined result is the same - to not end up with you, but in general you can tell when it's something a little more complicated than just general commitment phobia.

 

Like my ex would actively avoid intimacy with me on a physical level and make sure he had access to casual sex while pushing me away in that way, then he started becoming more and more distant, but at the same time you can see the frustration because they want to be close to you but can't!

 

Xxx

 

I knew this one guy (a friend of my ex's).... who's CP was so severe he could not even go out on a date without breaking out in a cold sweat and in one instance having a full blown panic attack - literally.

 

He would meet a woman he was attracted to, make a date, break the date, reschedule when he felt relief, break it again.... it was crazy.

 

Some flee after one great date. Some flee right as the RL is about to enter the next level and some flee right before getting married.

 

Some even get married! But the marriage is completely dysfunctional and toxic and ultimately emotional drains both people.

 

These "hidden" fears are very very serious.

 

It is important for the recipient of such lunacy and bizarre behavior to become aware of the warning signs and protect him/herself.

 

Information is power and the more info you have, the better you will be in protecting yourself and thus avoiding this ever happening to you again.

 

Don't ever ever feel sorry for any of these guys! You take care of you...and let him fix his own issues!

 

You are not his therapist or his mother.

Edited March 2, 2016 by katiegrl

[Itspointless]

Well said and 100% agree!

Thanks Katie.

[goodriddance]

I knew this one guy (a friend of my ex's).... who's CP was so severe he could not even go out on a date without breaking out in a cold sweat and in one instance having a full blown panic attack - literally.

 

He would meet a woman he was attracted to, make a date, break the date, reschedule when he felt relief, break it again.... it was crazy.

 

Some flee after one great date. Some flee right as the RL is about to enter the next level and some flee right before getting married.

 

Some even get married! But the marriage is completely dysfunctional and toxic and ultimately emotional drains both people.

 

These "hidden" fears are very very serious.

 

It is important for the recipient of such lunacy and bizarre behavior to become aware of the warning signs and protect him/herself.

 

Information is power and the more info you have, the better you will be in protecting yourself and thus avoiding this ever happening to you again.

 

Don't ever ever feel sorry for any of these guys! You take care of you...and let him fix his own issues!

 

You are not his therapist or his mother.

 

Nor do I ever want to be his mother or therapist. His mom once said "how do you handle him?!". Um... yeah. Red flag #38,895,489. However, I suppose if I was his therapist I'd make about a billion dollars to help cure him... Too bad the people who actually need therapy aren't the ones to go.

 

And I think that's KEY. NOT to feel sorry for them. I can't wait for the day he gets bored of hooking up random people and comes crawling back...

 

However, I don't think he'll be back this time. Kinda sucks cause I would give him a piece of my mind.

[goodriddance]

Sooooooo... I googled "dismissive-avoidant" and THIS part got my attention:

 

Clinical work suggests that people with what appears to be an avoidant or dismissive psychology often fail to recognize that separations have an emotional impact in them. When a spouse is away, a person with this psychology may become obsessively focused on work, may even celebrate the separation as an opportunity to get more work done, but then be strangely, perhaps even cruelly distant from the spouse when he or she returns.

 

He's done this before... ugh. It's crazy to me there is a reason for his behavior. I just kept telling myself it was just a phase, he's a bad mood, he's just really focused on work, or I'm being too reactive.

[Itspointless]

Sooooooo... I googled "dismissive-avoidant" and THIS part got my attention:

Yes, your ex does tick many of the behaviors described to dismissive-avoidant attached people. You know, this is learned behavior, due to childhood trauma or abandonment. Do you also ask yourself why you fell in love with him? Ask it with love towards yourself, but you have to ask it.`

[goodriddance]

Well... he was SO different from anyone I've ever met before. And I was attracted to his personality: his decisiveness (at least I viewed it as decisiveness back then... now it could be controlling), openness, honesty, intelligence (he's VERY smart), his humor (we laughed a LOT together), some of the values he had (for example - his views on "eating clean"), and the fact that we could just talk and talk and talk without TV or music. I felt that comfort and closeness (chemistry and connection?) with him immediately. Also, when things were "hot" he treated me very well. Said very sweet things. Again he was just very open about his feelings towards me. It was sexy. Also his confidence (which now I'm wondering if it was his ego and his confidence is actually really low...).

 

By the time I realized his actual flaws it was too late............. I was already deeply invested and in love.

[Itspointless]

Well... he was SO different from anyone I've ever met before. And I was attracted to his personality: his decisiveness (at least I viewed it as decisiveness back then... now it could be controlling), openness, honesty, intelligence (he's VERY smart), his humor (we laughed a LOT together), some of the values he had (for example - his views on "eating clean"), and the fact that we could just talk and talk and talk without TV or music. I felt that comfort and closeness (chemistry and connection?) with him immediately. Also, when things were "hot" he treated me very well. Said very sweet things. Again he was just very open about his feelings towards me. It was sexy. Also his confidence (which now I'm wondering if it was his ego and his confidence is actually really low...).

 

By the time I realized his actual flaws it was too late............. I was already deeply invested and in love.

Do not blame yourself, we (I) have been there. His confidence probably wasn't low, his confidence in other people is another story. Many articles on the web are (or translated: rubbish). This is one of the better ones: Type: Dismissive-Avoidant | Jeb Kinnison There are really great books about it. The point is that usually it is for a reason that people are attracted (attached) to these people. If we want to better ourselves, we have to learn why we did.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Itspointless

[goodriddance]

Do not blame yourself, we (I) have been there. His confidence probably wasn't low, his confidence in other people is another story. Many articles on the web are (or translated: rubbish). This is one of the better ones: Type: Dismissive-Avoidant | Jeb Kinnison There are really great books about it. The point is that usually it is for a reason that people are attached (attached) to these people. If we want to better ourselves, we have to learn why we did.

 

This is the site I'm reading now! I might buy the book "Bad Boyfriends" by Jeb Kinnison. Since I'm getting myself back out there (figured there's no point sitting around when we all know what HE'S doing right now... heart breaking...) maybe I can learn how to attract the right guy.

[Itspointless]

This is the site I'm reading now! I might buy the book "Bad Boyfriends" by Jeb Kinnison. Since I'm getting myself back out there (figured there's no point sitting around when we all know what HE'S doing right now... heart breaking...) maybe I can learn how to attract the right guy.

I am a fan of the book by dr shirley impellizzeri: Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns (Sunrise River Press, May 2012)

[TheScientist]

I knew this one guy (a friend of my ex's).... who's CP was so severe he could not even go out on a date without breaking out in a cold sweat and in one instance having a full blown panic attack - literally.

 

He would meet a woman he was attracted to, make a date, break the date, reschedule when he felt relief, break it again.... it was crazy.

 

Some flee after one great date. Some flee right as the RL is about to enter the next level and some flee right before getting married.

 

Some even get married! But the marriage is completely dysfunctional and toxic and ultimately emotional drains both people.

 

These "hidden" fears are very very serious.

 

It is important for the recipient of such lunacy and bizarre behavior to become aware of the warning signs and protect him/herself.

 

Information is power and the more info you have, the better you will be in protecting yourself and thus avoiding this ever happening to you again.

 

Don't ever ever feel sorry for any of these guys! You take care of you...and let him fix his own issues!

 

You are not his therapist or his mother.

 

Also what I have noticed in terms of differences, is that my ex, who has intimacy issues, which then obviously then made the concept of commitment horrifying....although things were intense at the start, he was comfortable with a average amount of intimacy (never sex) for the first five months or so, it was always clear that 'I love you' was out of bounds, he didn't say it but he would be clearly nervous when speaking about feelings, even at the start, like 'you can't really love someone till you are with them for like years' obviously knowing that we wouldn't be in a relationship that long! Fearful are super cautious. So when I hear about CPs making loud and proud declarations of feelings in the first few months it's like whaaaat. I couldn't even get my ex to say he likes me without the tasty side plate of 'a little' :D

 

I think the fact that it's so unbelievable - that it's a repeated process that's been done with so many girls - that what the CP said wasn't real is hard for so many people can't believe it till they really research or hear stories from us heartbroken folk. However in realistic terms saying I love you so early is so clearly far too early.

 

xxx

[Arieswoman]

Itspointless post #63

 

Do not blame yourself, we (I) have been there. His confidence probably wasn't low, his confidence in other people is another story. Many articles on the web are (or translated: rubbish). This is one of the better ones: Type: Dismissive-Avoidant | Jeb Kinnison There are really great books about it. The point is that usually it is for a reason that people are attracted (attached) to these people. If we want to better ourselves, we have to learn why we did.

 

This is very sound advice. ^^^ Especially this ;-

 

The point is that usually it is for a reason that people are attracted (attached) to these people. If we want to better ourselves, we have to learn why we did.

 

OP, you have the advantage over many of us for seeing your guy as he really is before you invested too much time in him. Now you can deal with it.

 

Good luck x

Edited March 3, 2016 by Arieswoman

[katiegrl]

Itspointless post #6

 

The point is that usually it is for a reason that people are attracted (attached) to these people. If we want to better ourselves, we have to learn why we did.

 

 

I agree with this^^. The book "He's Scared, She's Scared" - Hidden Fears that Sabotage our Relationships" discusses this dynamic.

 

Active avoiders and passive avoiders.

 

For every active avoider (gr's boyfriend) there is a passive avoider (gr) hoping, trying to make it work so he doesn't run again....usually because of her own subconscious fears....

 

Otherwise (1) she never would have taken him back three times, and (2) she would have recognized his behavior patterns as unhealthy and walked away without ever getting involved in the first place.

 

Interesting read and something to think about.

[TheScientist]

I agree with this^^. The book "He's Scared, She's Scared" - Hidden Fears that Sabotage our Relationships" discusses this dynamic.

 

Active avoiders and passive avoiders.

 

For every active avoider (gr's boyfriend) there is a passive avoider (gr) hoping, trying to make it work so he doesn't run again....usually because of her own subconscious fears....

 

Otherwise (1) she never would have taken him back three times, and (2) she would have recognized his behavior patterns as unhealthy and walked away without ever getting involved in the first place.

 

Interesting read and something to think about.

 

Exactly!!! A secure person would at least at that point recognise things are fishy or will not be healthy for them and retreat while the insecure anxious will most likely hold on for dear life and try again and again.

 

To break the cycle we must recognise the role we played!

[goodriddance]

Ugh, crap, I was afraid of this.

 

For me, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Believed he was stressed with work (which was the "problem" the second time around). At the time I didn't notice any patterns (his past never even crossed my mind) and I thought he was just in a crazy time in his life.

 

I definitely see the patterns now which is why I purposely didn't respond (or even go into the txt) when he contacted me (on my fricken bday) a few days after he left. It was then I realized how complicated and sneaky he is.

 

I am moving forward but I'm still highly confused by the situation. We met a year ago tomorrow.... this is the last place I thought I'd be in.

[katiegrl]

Ugh, crap, I was afraid of this.

 

For me, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Believed he was stressed with work (which was the "problem" the second time around). At the time I didn't notice any patterns (his past never even crossed my mind) and I thought he was just in a crazy time in his life.

 

I definitely see the patterns now which is why I purposely didn't respond (or even go into the txt) when he contacted me (on my fricken bday) a few days after he left. It was then I realized how complicated and sneaky he is.

 

I am moving forward but I'm still highly confused by the situation. We met a year ago tomorrow.... this is the last place I thought I'd be in.

 

Oh I completely understand that, and I didn't mean to accuse you of anything ....so apologies if I offended.

 

But just out of curiosity, what did you think when he suddenly broke up with you telling you he didn't want RL, after assuring you for months that he did.... and then changing his mind a few days later and deciding he *did* want a relationship?

 

Only to repeat the same thing a few months later, and then changing his mind yet again a short time later?

 

You took him back both times, so again just wondering because, and again I don't mean to sound harsh or offend ...but would not the more healthy response have been to realize there was no giving *benefit of the doubt* ... because there should not have been any doubt -- the man's got serious issues and you need to stay away and protect yourself.

 

I am glad you realized it now though, after the third time ....as I mentioned earlier, I knew a girl who went back and forth like that with her CP boyfriend for seven years!

 

So good for you for realizing it now, after only one year....you're doing great and sound strong. Big lesson learned!

 

Wish you the best moving forward.

Edited March 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[goodriddance]

No offense taken.

 

Maybe I do have some attachment issues too, but in the other direction? And I think I need to learn how to let go. You're right, I shouldn't have gone back to him a 2nd or 3rd time. But I kept holding on to those "good times" and wanted more and was hoping it would work out.

 

I still think about him all the time, but hoping after more time it'll pass?

[goodriddance]

I agree with this^^. The book "He's Scared, She's Scared" - Hidden Fears that Sabotage our Relationships" discusses this dynamic.

 

Active avoiders and passive avoiders.

 

For every active avoider (gr's boyfriend) there is a passive avoider (gr) hoping, trying to make it work so he doesn't run again....usually because of her own subconscious fears....

 

Otherwise (1) she never would have taken him back three times, and (2) she would have recognized his behavior patterns as unhealthy and walked away without ever getting involved in the first place.

 

Interesting read and something to think about.

 

 

Sooooo... how do I fix this? :/

[Itspointless]

Sooooo... how do I fix this? :/

You can start by reading a book like: 'Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again' by the psychologists Young and Klosko. It is a weird title, but I highly recommend it.

[katiegrl]

You can start by reading a book like: 'Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again' by the psychologists Young and Klosko. It is a weird title, but I highly recommend it.

 

And the book I just recommended too. "He's Scared, She's Scared.". It's easy reading and extremely insightful....in fact it has become my Bible even when in a RL!

 

As I was once an active avoider myself, not as severe as your ex, but it was definitely an issue.

 

Reading is knowledge and knowledge is power!