Commitment Phobe? How to move forward...

[katiegrl]

No offense taken.

 

Maybe I do have some attachment issues too, but in the other direction?

 

 

Yes exactly, you are a *passive avoider*.

 

He was the *active avoider.*

 

Two sides of the same coin.

 

Read the books! It's all there.

[goodriddance]

Okay thanks guys!

 

Based on what you read here.... can either of you "diagnose" me? ha. Or lead me in the direction of what I need to "fix".

 

Thanks!

[katiegrl]

Okay thanks guys!

 

Based on what you read here.... can either of you "diagnose" me? ha.

 

 

------

 

***Or lead me in the direction of what I need to "fix".

 

 

We just did ....read the books. That both I and Itspointless recommended.

 

You may recognize yourself within those pages, and learn ways to manage/overcome whatever issues lurking inside you.

 

Good luck.

Edited March 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[goodriddance]

Alrighty!

 

Honestly, I know I have some things to improve on. We all do. But I KNOW I wasn't "feeding" into his actions. I stood my ground. I wasn't clingy or needy. I was confused, yes, because of HIS actions.

[Itspointless]

Honestly, I know I have some things to improve on. We all do. But I KNOW I wasn't "feeding" into his actions. I stood my ground. I wasn't clingy or needy. I was confused, yes, because of HIS actions.

There is no fault, it often has to do with familiarity. We fall for them because they reminds us of what we know. It is that zing of attraction we feel and have to mistrust a bit (unfortunately).

 

In addition to that other book by young and klosko I really want to recommend another book I often recommend by dr shirley impellizzeri called: 'Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns' (Sunrise River Press, May 2012) It is the most comprehensive easy book on attachment-styles I know. I think you will know what to work on if you read both books. They help(ed) me.

[goodriddance]

I'll read the books. Thanks!

 

I do feel at fault because I shouldn't have been so understanding and calm. He walked all over me. I feel totally foolish for falling for his words. Looking me straight in the eye, telling me he loves me, then a week later buys me a bday gift then 2 hours later breaks up with me.

 

I'm sure I sound like a broken record but this crap seriously blows my mind.

[foreverinlove15]

Those of us who have fallen victim to a commitment phobic have an incredibly tough journey. I am a strong, confident, independent woman. I just happened to fall in love when I was very young to someone with a lot of issues and a clear phobia of commitment. I moved away, got married and thought I could erase him from my mind. I have read "Men who Can't Love" and "He's scared, She's scared" which helped me realize that those books were written for him. I have been blessed that my other relationships were never of this sort. However, here I am and still in love with him despite knowing that it may never be.

 

I don't want to bore you with the details. I met him in high school. He came on strong and it scared me. I left for college and we continued this push and pull dance. We are too young, you live in another state,etc..but he wouldn't let me go either. We would have no contact for months and eventually years and then somehow we would end up talking again and the whole love affair would resume. When I hit my 30's, I decided enough was enough and we just fell into no contact. I married and tried so hard to forget him.

 

Years later, I reached out to him as a friend. He had gotten someone pregnant, finally married her and had a bitter divorce. Was currently in a long distance relationship with someone but it took him less than a month for him to tell me how much he loved me and had never stopped.

 

I knew that I should not have fallen for his words but it had been over 15 years and it felt like it was just yesterday. I was determined to understand what had happened but eventually I was in love with him all over again. Circumstances in our home town drew me to where he lived. We started talking and texting a lot, ended up seeing each other a few times over the past 3 years. I started counseling at the onset of our relationship and unfortunately the therapist didn't understand anything about commitment phobics. She described it as his limitations and that he couldn't hurt me anymore. Well that was a joke!

 

My marriage that was always based on friendship began to slip away. He told me how much he had always loved me, wanted to marry me someday, wanted me there, divorce him so we could be together. Convinced me that we could do this and he was ready. I tried telling him I have to focus on my marriage, he wasn't ready, time will tell but he wouldn't give up.

 

Lo and behold 3 years later, I filed for divorce. The day my husband moved out, he started being distant. Not calling as much, delayed responses to texts and calls. I gave it a couple months and decided to go visit without little warning. He said it wasn't a good time, his life was a mess which it was. I said I was worried about him. I went and he initiated seeing me and opened up about all the stuff that had been going on. Later that night, he said he wasn't sure he could see me. I don't know why but I went to the local bar that I knew he would be at and he was sitting there with a random woman. I acted cool and he actually tried to ignore me. I finally told him I wouldn't cause a scene but that I never wanted to see him again. He barely looked at me. I left but I went back into that bar and said no, I can't believe you would do this to our relationship. The other woman was confused and I showed her texts that had transpired in the past 24 hours-love you, when can I see you, etc..I told her I loved him and had flown cross country to see him because I was worried about him as a friend and that I was sorry and then I walked out. He turned around at one point and said "you are married" and I said I was but you repeatedly asked me to get a divorce. He turned around at that and wouldn't look at me.

 

So 34 years later, he still can't get it straight. He is on a self destructive path, weaving in and out of meaningless relationships and hurting people along the way.

 

It has been 6 weeks of no contact and I know that he is a true commitment phobic and probably an alcoholic as well. Why did I think I could help, trust or change him? I know it is crazy but I miss him like crazy. He didn't just destroy a potential relationship but 34 years of history. I won't contact him this time. How in the world does he live with himself? What do I do if he ever initiates contact? I know I am better off without him but I miss him. Why was I an obstacle in his self-destructive path?

 

My only advice is if you think you are dating a commitment phobic, run like hell. They are mentally ill and have no self-worth and will hurt anyone who gets to close to them. I'm not mad. It is just a pathetic sad life. I just wished I had known this earlier in life and was able to walk away. I am doing my best to keep busy but I can't stop wondering why this happened to me.

[Itspointless]

Why did I think I could help, trust or change him? [...] I can't stop wondering why this happened to me.

Nothing wrong with trust. You should start with investigating the motive of wanting to help.

 

He sounds dismissive-avoidant attached.

[Meli22]

OP you sound like an awesome girl and I do genuinely think it's this guys loss.

 

I can relate to your situation because ive recently been in it myself. Except we got to the 3 month mark and it ended then (2 weeks ago). Met a guy, he fell HARD, introduced me to all his family and friends, told me he'd never felt like this, he wanted exclusivity etc.

 

The issue was that he was in the military based away (we met in our hometown). Again, it was all him promising that long distance would work, reassuring me that it's worth trying. And because my father is a sergeant, he respected me and my family a lot and even told my own mother that he was glad he had met me because I understood army life. I, like you let my guard down and fell for this guy. We clicked so well and after being very hurt last year I felt I'd finally met someone who got me.

 

That turned around pretty quickly. Whilst he was back at base we still managed to see eachother every weekend. It went from literally him saying "hey I told you this would work, let's book a trip next month!" To (less than 24 hours later) "I can't do this. I don't know what I'm doing with my life after the army so how can I commit to a relationship."

 

I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt; he hates the army, he has no path in his life, has jumped from job to job and is panicked about his future. But i actually don't know what the full truth is. Nevertheless he still broke my heart and I was/am really dissapointed in him.

 

Anyway, OP you did nothing wrong. In fact you handled this pretty well. A lot of girls would freak out, become needy etc after it happening more than once but you kept your cool, he knows this too. You're the good guy in all of this with a totally clean conscience so you can walk away knowing your worth with your head up high. I do think this guy has his own issues to deal with and its not necessarily about you. I think he either wants to "bachelor" single life (you mentioned he has a sexual past, maybe he is so used to hook ups and is afraid to give that up? My ex also has a very sexual past..) or he is genuinely confused about his own life path. People tend to push others away when external factors come into play. My advice to you is to carry on how you are. This guy could come back around but if he does, I wouldn't entertain him. Keep NC, focus on yourself and time will heal the rest.

Edited March 25, 2016 by Meli22

[foreverinlove15]

Thank you. My motive for wanting to help is that I was a child of an alcoholic-always thinking I can fix everyone. Had to come to grips with that in this stage of my life. I realize that but it still hurts.

 

Glad Meli22 you were able to walk away. Yes it doesn't have anything to do with us but there own issues. My guy has had a number of them from a young age and as he has gotten older has found no way to cope with them but make mistake after mistake. I was ignorant thinking that life changes people for the better. You learn from your mistakes.

 

I know he loves me in his own crazy way but he would rather hurt me than get to close to me. I am also very proud of myself for how I reacted because it is not my personality to stay so calm but somehow I was able to find inner strength and walk away without guilt or craziness.

 

My heart is broken but I have to keep going along and find my path and stay strong.

[foreverinlove15]

So sorry to hear your story. As it appears you have done your research, you know by now that it had nothing to do with you. Commitment phobia is a dreadful disease and you can end up playing the dance for years. Read my post-34 years-I just thought it was timing and all kinds of other things that were getting in the way. But no it is him. I am not even mad because his life is a mess and most of the time he is unhappy and I see no way for him to recover.

 

These types of relationships are devastating. They have incredible highs and huge lows. They are like a drug and they suck you back in just when you think you are ok.

 

You can not change them. It is the true fear of love and intimacy that terrifies them and they will do anything to get away from it. It is rooted in their childhood.

 

I wish you the best and watch out for signs of commitment phobia in future relationships. At the first sign of it, walk away before you get involved even further.

[Itspointless]

Thank you. My motive for wanting to help is that I was a child of an alcoholic-always thinking I can fix everyone. Had to come to grips with that in this stage of my life. I realize that but it still hurts. [...] I know he loves me in his own crazy way but he would rather hurt me than get to close to me. I am also very proud of myself for how I reacted because it is not my personality to stay so calm but somehow I was able to find inner strength and walk away without guilt or craziness.

I was in a hurry so had to type a really short reply. Seems you have taken the most important hurdle: seeing your pattern. Unfortunately your background is where the term codependency came from. When I was an adolescent my mother had a serious illness and she eventually died. I have the same problem as you in this regard. Two years ago I learned (with some help) that I am already in helping mode while I even do not experience it as helping yet. That was confronting to learn.

 

He probably likes you and does not want to hurt you, but dismissive-avoidant attached people often cannot bare the idea of real intimacy. Long-distance often is safe for them. They have learned to shield their hearts in their childhood as love was too painful and disappointing. He clearly does not want to help himself, unfortunately he does hurt a lot of other people in the process, which is if you think about it pretty egoistic. It was a good thing you told him.

 

Anyway, be kind to yourself.

[foreverinlove15]

Whoops I wanted to add, please don't try to be just friends with this man. We have gone down that path too many times to count. There have been times that I thought I was strong enough and wasn't in love with him anymore. This last time, I was even married and though it took some time for him to win me over, I fell very hard and am now getting a divorce.

[foreverinlove15]

goodriddance-see my posts under foreverinlove15

sorry-I thought it posted under your topic. Good luck

[goodriddance]

Hey guys. This definitely helps to know I'm not alone. I have good days and bad. This week was a string of bad days. Thinking about him ALL the time. It's been 1.5 months since we broke up and I haven't gone completely no contact. I'm very proud of myself. He has reached out twice. Once was a few days after we broke up (it was my bday.... and yes he broke up with me 3 days before my birthday. Ugh.). I deleted the txt. And then he called me a few weeks ago. Left a voicemail saying he "was walking around town at night lately and happened to walk down my street and wanted to see how I was doing". We live very close to each other. But anyway, didn't answer or call him back.

 

Every day since then I debate on calling him back... but each day I remind myself: he broke up with me 3x, he was hot and cold, the anxiety I felt while I was with him, how he'd leave town at the drop of a hat without any regards to how I feel, everything was always about him...always.

 

But then the feelings and good memories creep in. And I'm afraid until we talk I'm always gonna think about "calling him back". I'd rather he reach back out again then me "sinking" to that level.

 

One thing I noticed is he's been posting A LOT more on Facebook since we've broken up. Is that an attention seeking tactic? Humph.

 

So ya...... I'm definitely in a lull right now and doing everything I can to NOT call him. .

 

Any advice would be amazingly appreciated. Thanks for helping!

[Be-honest]

All we have when we enter a relationship etc is the persons words followed by their actions

 

It is natural to go on their words because MOST DECENT PEOPLE ARE HONEST

 

If they say they are looking forward to seeing you , it is you I see my future with for the rest of my life etc they actually MEAN it or they might just leave it to happen naturally anyway to be honest with no words needed till they spring the proposal on you , but it is not just words used to get what they want for the MEANTIME

 

A non CP would say the actual same or similar words to the CP , follow through and MEAN it ie they are being GENUINE and honest

 

CP's have something to hide ie their issues , they do not fully reveal their real selves to you and imo opinion you don't actually even HAVE a real relationship , they just try and make you THINK you do because it suits them at the time ( and they know what it is you / women want to hear as most of us DO want to settle down and be happy and not run away from it ( with a fantastic and genuine man which is what they PORTRAY themselves to be ) so they do TALK about settling down and committing to you if / when it serves their end and when they are at the WANT to keep it going ( for now ) stage ) but a genuine mans words will ALWAYS be followed up by the MATCHING ACTIONS

 

I was VERY early in when the guy took off like a petrified rabbit ( thankfully ) but I went on his WORDS at the time as at the time I only had his words to go on but the red flag I ignored is it was ''too much too soon'' and too FULL ON for a first ruddy date , on holiday , when I was going home the next day anyway so why even talk about HAVING KIDS , wanting me to come back to Turkey , introducing me as his Girlfriend next time I was here , the fact that the time would fly if we both kept ourself busy but oh ''the woman would have to move HERE'' ( NO WAY! lol ) but I just stupidly thought he was EXTREMELY interested in me , saw my qualities of being a good catch / good girlfriend / wife material which I AM and really really LIKED me , but as soon as I started liking him and was reeled in ( ie conned ) by it all and wanted to continue things ( even though I was not looking for a relationship at the time ) he took off but I only wanted to continue things because the seemingly genuine romance and affection made me feel happy at the time and I wanted more ''happiness'' like we all do as who throws away an opportunity of happiness??? Oh yeah , CP's do! Lol x

 

3 things I have learnt from this even though I am still hurting etc from it is

 

1/ If a man comes on too strong too soon it is NOT a good thing , he hardly knows you , this IS the steady ''getting to know you phase'' and all those other words will come later IF MEANT and coming from an honest and genuine man

 

2/ There is the ''instant'' ''heady'' roller coaster or twister ride which releases endorphins and the ''happy drugs'' into our system which we want MORE of coz it feels GOOD and these CP guys give us that and thrive on that themselves but it is not REAL ''happiness'' which comes from real SECURITY in a relationship and in comparison there is the long train ride to a destination we DESERVE ie marriage with a lovely and wonderful man but we can simply relax and ENJOY the journey , not as ''heady'' a ride , possibly seen as more BORING even but oh so more safe , secure , comfortable and going at a healthy steady reliable pace with very pretty views to enjoy along the way rather than the heady downright dangerous dodgy roller coaster ride of our EMOTIONS with a CP

 

The getting to know you courting or wooing stage is meant to be ENJOYABLE and you both have to want to get to that destination of marriage etc together and be on the exact same page and choose to / know you both want to take that journey together

 

The other way is like being on a roller coaster , enjoying the thrill until the brakes are put on and sitting there waiting for IF or when HE decides to jump back on the ride with you again and at the time when on that exciting ride together you feel HAPPY there is a difference to feeling happy AT THE TIME and BEING HAPPY as being happy is a CONSISTENT thing with only minor , natural bumps in the road lol

 

3/ NEVER change YOUR agenda eg I had a similar thing happen to me before with a guy who I was NOT interested in AT ALL who ''grew on me'' the more he persued and initiated DAILY contact with me for months on end TILL it worked and I started having feelings for him , and then of course he went COLD AS ICE ( I am glad I dumped him and blocked his number etc but it really screwed me up for a while at the time and then he could say he does not want to be with me coz I am the ''crazy woman'' when he MADE me crazy at the time which I am NOT , he actually is! Lol

 

Why give my phone number to a guy I am not interested in anyway , OR EVEN PICK UP THE PHONE WHEN HE WAS ACTUALLY ''BUGGING'' ME but I assumed we would be just friends but I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE so I should have made sure it STAYED that way and not been swayed from MY agenda ie not getting involved to HIS ie getting me involved to the point he's got what he wants , mission accomplished and then he can just BOLT coz he HAS me agenda

 

The similar thing was I had NO INTENTIONS WHATSOEVER of having ANY sort of romantically involved / long distance relationship with this guy but because of the things he SAID TO ME ( which stirred up my natural desire to be with someone and be happy ) I CHANGED MY AGENDA which was just a SIMPLE FUN DATE with a guy I fancied , no strings attached , go home the next day with a smile on my face because I have had a cheeky kiss and cuddle with a guy I found attractive but HE changed or rather I let him chance the WHOLE AGENDA which was NOT his ACTUAL REAL agenda anyway!!!!! He wanted to reel me in then spit me out , chase then retract and I did NOT see it coming but life teaches us lessons through PAIN and we are all still learning about ourselves etc but at least I know about THIS type of CP phobe now which I had never met before and was not 'expecting it' at ALL as the other one was different and took it VERY slow and steady but still was not genuine and had his OWN agenda but it actually was NOT MINE so I have to stay true to myself in all this and not be swayed by someone elses ( possibly dangerous ) agenda to suit their OWN ( sick ) means! I don't feel good I've been 'conned' but it can happen to anyone if you don't know the signs to look out for - I just thought this guy was deep and genuinely looking for a girlfriend / wife and he did say that is what we all want deep down at the end of the day ie to fall in love and settle down , yeah right , there is no real commitment with a CP he will talk the talk but not walk the walk which is why we have to not just take notice of what they SAY plus make sure they have no hidden agenda to suit their own means till the inevitable phobic fear kicks in lol ( THEIR problem , not ours!! )

 

I think this particular guy loves the chase but does not want the kill lol he probably gets off on those endorphins which are released on an encounter with someone of the opposite sex who we fancy till the 'next stage' ie seeing them again or continuing where you left off kicks in and so did I to be honest but I did originally just want to keep it as a no strings attached bit of fun on holiday as am not looking for a relationship right now and CERTAINLY NOT a long distance one ( but glad there was no way I would have sex with him as would have felt devastatingly used , not just used )

 

The BAD thing is the dishonesty to reel us in as if he had said he is NOT looking for a relationship I would have been absolutely FINE with that as nor was I but he had to go down the whole ruddy hog route of being his girlfriend , going places together while holding hands and even having children together and moving to ruddy Turkey and once I was possibly thinking about going towards the same route or at least keeping in touch / taking it to the next level because I liked him and wanted more of the romance / affection etc and the ''happy feeling'' then drop me from a great height as then it seems it's ''mission accomplished'' for him lol

 

He can well and truly do one and I have to be on guard for manipulators as there are a lot of them out there unfortunately in many guises / variations :(

 

I just wanted a simple hot date!! LOL .... Could do without all this CRAP which went with it and it is HIS CRAP not mine but it ended up making ME feel crappy

[Be-honest]

If a guy even TRIES to manipulate me / my agenda I need to run a mile

 

Usually I am NOT one to be manipulated but obviously there are things I have to watch out for now and a decent man would not even try / want to manipulate me to his own means and rewards!!!

 

It is a growing / learning experience for sure as as the OP says you DO NOT EVEN REALISE IT IS HAPPENING TO YOU at the time till hindsight kicks in! Lol

 

At least 'next time' if a guy like this even TRIES we will see the signs and get out of it as quickly as possible xx

 

'Longevity' is a key in this ie do not give the man that heart / soul piece of you until you KNOW he is open and HONEST and not playing games or has anything nasty / damaging to hide

 

I feel my feelings were 'wangled' out of me by their dishonest and downright sly methods They become EXPERTS at it and it is all they know , to us we take them at face value and I for some reason erm ''assumed'' the guy was ''normal'' but will NEVER ASSUME they are normal or genuine again until I KNOW they are

 

Coz who REALLY wants to be with a cold hearted egotistical selfish CAD who will HURT YOU???

 

I am newly back on the dating market after 3 years of NC whatsoever with ANY man so was possibly a bit naive or vulnerable to it tbh but I still only wanted a cheeky holiday snog with a NORMAL guy not a psycho lol

 

MOST guys would be HAPPY to go along with that , a cheeky snog with no strings attached then nice to meet you have a safe journey home but these guys are more COMPLEX than that , even if it's I really LIKE you ( which I did at the time but don't now obviously ) but agree we don't have to persue a relationship together especially since there is no future in it ie I am NOT moving to Turkey and I actually can't give him kids ( he is a 42 yr old divorcee with no kids and I have grown up kids of my own ) but NO THANK YOU , why did he have to make it so deep and complicated and along the lines of some sort or future PERMANENCY when he had NO INTENTION of following it through anyway! Lol

 

Probably told me what he though I / all women wanted to hear but he really didn't NEED to as I did NOT want those things from him anyway!! LOL Silly sod , but this means I do have to stick to my own agenda and not be swayed by someone else and actually be more honest with HIM not just go with ''HIS FLOW'' and then get hurt as a ruddy result!!!!

 

I am not going to give up my dreams for anyone just because I got manipulated into having feelings for / wanting more of the heady affection and romance from some guy I had no intention of being with in the first ruddy place...

 

Some women go back and forth to other countries for YEARS coz they have fallen for the guy which WOULD have happened to me if we kept things going so THANKFULLY he bailed even though it hurt and I felt disappointed and rejected

 

I did NOT want to be one of those women who waste even 10+ years of their life as some I know have done or even leave their homes and families etc to end up with a guy who is possibly using them anyway but who knows once a woman is in love you have kinda ''got'' her

 

It suits her she said but she is possibly missing out on a LOVELY 'fully available' man to be happy and secure with here in the UK not pining for the next time she sees ''her love'' on her next trip in 6 months time not even knowing if ( usually not much of an if ) he is cheating on her while she is away

 

I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT WOMAN but therefore do not want my feelings manipulated into falling for a guy when it's not even ON my ruddy agenda but IT HAPPENS and it CERTAINLY suits the man ( ESPECIALLY a CP ) coz he HAS his freedom plus the perks of an ''occasional relationship IF he wants it while she is there but on HIS terms when HE is free / not working etc'' and she is waiting around for him to throw her some scraps which supposed to be LOVE , no way

 

A lady who I met on holiday was seeing a Turkish man for 7 years who was MARRIED but he called her his ''English wife'' so she was HAPPY with that

 

It seems to be mainly women of a certain age who of course like the flattery of usually / possibly a younger guy showing them attention etc but is it REAL and is it GENUINE? I doubt it VERY much , it is serving HIS needs and purposes and perhaps hers to feel desireable but a nice English man would love her for her and find her desireable as when in genuine love your partner is irresistable to you at any age as it is about the real them and the full package you love

 

You have the older men going for younger women ( there was an old man there who went out with girls in their 20's!!! ) And older women who aren't interested in men around their age so where is that real deep compatibility and companionship and SECURITY of a permanent love match at ANY age , but anyway am gossipping now and it is not relavant to CP's although actually I reckon it just MIGHT be as what future is in it anyway? GREAT if you are not looking to have a future with them anyway but still have to be careful of getting used and hurt as we still have feelings and emotions which get involved and all sorts of manipulation for their own reward can go on in these cases

 

I just want a ruddy good English man thank you lol maybe a BIT younger than me as I like that for some reason but it's not about flattery and ego it is about them liking and loving them for YOU and genuinely doing so with what they SAY they have to offer is actually what they DO

 

I got short changed by this guy , he was presenting eg a bells and whistles top of the range smart phone and what I got was a tin can on a piece of string LOOOOOOL , but I wasn't even LOOKING for a smart phone ( as yet ) and a zingy bright normal phone would have done me while having fun on holiday ( this is some sort of analogy anyway!! LOL )

 

BUT I DON'T HALF PICK 'EM :p

 

GOT DAYS OF HEARTACHE JUST FOR A BL**DY SNOG and NO it was not worth it with this particular guy! Lol ... I need someone on the same page next time and us being honest with each other ( so NO ONE gets hurt ) and which would have saved a lot of this pain and disappointment anyway as I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM from the start I was not looking for a future or relationship with him and he did not even have to DO his merry show me what I want to see dance as I didn't even want it , but it feels like he WANTED TO ''PLAY THE GAME'' with me as that is what he gets off on , not honesty and he got to plug his agenda first and straight away / as soon as I got there and I bought into his agenda / right from the start sales pitch and bloody well 'bought it' when it was not what I was even shopping for! Lol

 

VERY good salesman ( con artist ) this guy , must be years of practice but I am NOT happy I was spotted as his victim when all I wanted was an innocent / fun holiday kiss and cuddle ( which I MISS as it has been 3 years ) but with a NORMAL guy!!

 

I def think I should have been more assertive though and not let him dictate ''the way things were going to go'' ie down the relationship route when he didn't even really want it anyway

 

I wasn't there to play games! :mad:

[Be-honest]

They are very CHARMING these guys and they def have an agenda

 

He seemed to think he was ''it'' because he had good social skills and was a good actor and women fell for it obviously , but he is losing his looks at 42 and in 10 years time when his ''personality alone'' isn't quite cracking it he may be longing for what his phobia tells him he doesn't want ie someone to love him for HIM

 

I will be long gone and hopefully settled down myself by then and happy either way whether single or not :)

 

But I have a feeling I WILL meet Mr Right if I have my eye on the ( right ) prize ie the top of the range smart phone NOT the tin cans on a ruddy string LOL

 

( or basically damaged goods as that is NOT what I want )

 

Good luck to you all in your future endeavours and I hope you find a decent man coz you are WORTH IT and ruddy well DESERVE it and we did no wrong and I just got side tracked for a while as did all of us but we can and will get back on track and heal and these scum bags ( sorry I know they have some sort of issues they can't get over unless they get help ) will be miserable and unfortunately causing misery for other women but not US thankfully because we did NO WRONG in this

 

How dare he come along and damage my SELF ESTEEM which I have been working on for years and was in a VERY GOOD place when he met me which is what I am sure I will go BACK to after I recover from this downright horrible expereince / encounter out of the blue with a CP :mad:

[Be-honest]

I suppose what I am saying is I want THE REAL DEAL

 

( Not like these shops which are set up selling goods in a box and when you get it home you find it is not the real thing which was shown to you in the pop up shop which swiftly disappears! Lol )

 

We don't get a refund but we get over the loss ( in time if they took us for a LONG or VERY expensive merry ride , but saying that there are plenty of women who get conned out of ACTUAL money by these type of charmers , all in the name of a bit of romance and a boost in self esteem coz we feel we are still desireable / attractive which a man truly in love with us ( without issues ) would always find us anyway

 

It is about loving OURSELVES at the end of the day!! Which we were probably pretty good at anyway BEFORE this man ''noticed'' us as a catch BUT THEN DID NOT TREAT US AS ONE which in fact we ARE