JewelD Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I'm a 25 year old grad student and I've been having a really difficult time in my program. I'm the first in my family to get a master's so being here is completely new territory for me and a bit of a culture shock. I had a disagreement with a professor I don't get along with (he's an odd character. He wants to be friends but does strange things, like making blackface jokes and not supporting me as an artist). I called my mother to vent and for support. Not only did I not get that, but she took it upon herself to give me an entire character critique, saying that I make it difficult for people to like me. I'm all for constructive criticism (although today was certainly not the time for it) but that comment in particular really caught me off guard. I've made a lot of friends here and I'm still close with several of my professors from undergrad. I'm not entirely invested in being popular, but I'm a good person and fairly likeable. The only thing I could think of was that maybe my mother feels that way about me? Needless to say, we got into an argument. I haven't lived at home in about 4-5 years. But there's such a disconnect between who I am as a person, friend and student and what my mother sees me as. I just got the vibe that she really doesn't believe in me or see what I have to offer as a person. I definitely don't plan on telling her about any of my problems anymore, she's just not a source of support, although she should be. Has anyone else had to deal with parents or other family members who don't have faith in them? Or see you as something that you're not? How do you deal with it? Link to post Share on other sites
AMJ Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My parents haven't supported a single one of my dreams or goals. I was the first person in my family to go to college also. And I borrowed every single penny of my undergraduate and graduate education. Whenever I have struggles my mom will just say "Well I told you not to go to that expensive school". The traveling I saved and paid for on my own, she thought was reckless. She's nuts, traveling was the best decision I ever made. So was my expensive education. When I called home from college to get support about classes that I was struggling in, there wasn't space to speak about my problems because my mom would start talking all about how she was losing her mind trying to deal with my brother who was a drug addict and she had to keep fixing all of his disasters. Lots of colleges have free counseling. I found that to be pretty helpful. I eventually found one other friend in college who had a family like mine, and we still talk almost every day- ten years later. Most of my friends had wonderful parents who paid their rent and groceries and listened to them vent about all of their problems on the phone. Therapy became my support network. It's a ****ty thing your mom said to you. I think learning to make peace with who our parents are- and who they aren't- is just part of growing up. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 JewelD, I'm sorry you feel your mom isn't supporting you and is critical of you. That's rough and a lot of people know how it feels. Sadly, there are moms who are more focused on themselves than on their children and others. Another thought is that moms often try to fix things for their children so they may naturally be critical trying to help you make your life better and therefore not see you in the same way others do. It sounds to me as if you're a very likable person! Anyway, make your mom's ways that bother you work for you by vowing to be the opposite way; focus on others instead of yourself and one day when you have children you can do things differently.That's what i do. Also, I have turned to God to make up for the neediness I have from having a disinterested sometimes critical mom. It has really ended up being a positive thing in my life because God is awesome and has enriched my life and personality incredibly! You have your whole life ahead of you to decide who you want to be! Whatever you see negative in others, vow to be the opposite. And whatever wonderful you see in others, adopt that trait for yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
deckard11 Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Personally, I could give a rip if people like me or not. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 Imo, that is a terrible thing for a mother to say to her daughter (or son). I believe in my kids and have always felt defensive and supportive, on their behalf. In earlier times, my mother would be critical of me, and always unencouraging - but she mellowed greatly with age. On the other hand, my son once told me I bring out the worst in people. (laugh) Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My mother has never seen me for who I really am, nor completely accepted me. She tends to be passive aggressive about it rather than direct like your mother is. It took a lot of effort on my part, but eventually I was able to see that her attitude is about her and how she feels about herself, it's not really about me. Even though she has limitations and it makes me feel sad that she isn't the type of mother I want her to be, that's just how it is. Our relationship became worse for a few years while I processed everything. I was very hurt and angry. Now, it is better. We are not close and never will be, but I found a way to get along with her - I keep our contact minimal, and I don't share personal problems with her. I'm sorry that your mother said something so harsh to you. I agree with your own opinion that it would be better to not share personal problems with her anymore. It may also help to cut back on the amount of contact you have with her. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 My mother actually placed a bet that I couldn't pass my licensing exam on the 1st try. I ignored her & took great pleasure in proving her wrong. I'm sorry your mom is like that but sometimes when people say awful things you have to look at the source. Your mom is not a source you should continue to put stock in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 2, 2016 Share Posted March 2, 2016 I haven't lived at home in about 4-5 years. But there's such a disconnect between who I am as a person, friend and student and what my mother sees me as. I just got the vibe that she really doesn't believe in me or see what I have to offer as a person. I definitely don't plan on telling her about any of my problems anymore, she's just not a source of support, although she should be. Has anyone else had to deal with parents or other family members who don't have faith in them? Or see you as something that you're not? How do you deal with it? If you knew your mom felt this way about you maybe it would have been better to seek support from one of your friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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