Should I have married her to get more compromise from her?

[essai0506]

Hi guys,

 

I'll keep it short to get to the point.

Long distance relationship (I'm 35, French, she is 34, American).

In a 3 years period, we spent 1,5 years physically together = it worked perfectly, no argument, we were a very good team (lived together in NYC). We loved each other.

Here comes the decision day = she wants more than just boyfriend/girlfriend BUT she also does not seem to compromise much: she wants to live in the US (not France, ok I'm fine) but only in her home town (Chicago), not in NYC anymore, she did not want me to come back to the US a fourth time unless I propose her (she has a traditional religious family, we can't live together before getting married).

I had doubts because moving definitely in the USA = I won't see my family more than 2 weeks per year + I won't be able to travel for vacation + I have no clue how life in Illinois is going to be for me + I am trying to finish a Master's degree.

I thought that at least we could live together to let me enough time to adapt to a life in the USA but she seemed to put barriers so that the relationship fails. Eventually, after 12 months without physically seeing each other, she decided to break up. Reallt tough call, we both cried.

We did not find a compromise and none of us took the leap of faith. For me, it would have been a huge jump (new life in a new country). For her, well she only had stay in NYC a bit longer or to let me come visit her in Chicago.

 

So here is my question: Should I have propose to her (she wanted to get married) even if she did not seem to compromise for me?

Maybe after getting married (committed for a lifetime), she would have been more open to compromises at some point?

 

I did not ask for 50/50 but I just wanted to know if she was willing to compromise for me (that's fair enough), even if in the end we'll be living in her country. It's not about making compromises but about showing you're ready to make them for the one you love.

 

I miss her so much and I keep thinking about "what if"...What if I had tried more...what if I had married her...

I think I did my part (I tried) but I knew her worries and I could have anticipated the end.

 

Any feedbacks is super welcome. Is life any easier once you're married and committed?

[jenkins95]

Hi guys,

 

I'll keep it short to get to the point.

Long distance relationship (I'm 35, French, she is 34, American).

In a 3 years period, we spent 1,5 years physically together = it worked perfectly, no argument, we were a very good team (lived together in NYC). We loved each other.

Here comes the decision day = she wants more than just boyfriend/girlfriend BUT she also does not seem to compromise much: she wants to live in the US (not France, ok I'm fine) but only in her home town (Chicago), not in NYC anymore, she did not want me to come back to the US a fourth time unless I propose her (she has a traditional religious family, we can't live together before getting married).

I had doubts because moving definitely in the USA = I won't see my family more than 2 weeks per year + I won't be able to travel for vacation + I have no clue how life in Illinois is going to be for me + I am trying to finish a Master's degree.

I thought that at least we could live together to let me enough time to adapt to a life in the USA but she seemed to put barriers so that the relationship fails. Eventually, after 12 months without physically seeing each other, she decided to break up. Reallt tough call, we both cried.

We did not find a compromise and none of us took the leap of faith. For me, it would have been a huge jump (new life in a new country). For her, well she only had stay in NYC a bit longer or to let me come visit her in Chicago.

 

So here is my question: Should I have propose to her (she wanted to get married) even if she did not seem to compromise for me?

Maybe after getting married (committed for a lifetime), she would have been more open to compromises at some point?

 

I did not ask for 50/50 but I just wanted to know if she was willing to compromise for me (that's fair enough), even if in the end we'll be living in her country. It's not about making compromises but about showing you're ready to make them for the one you love.

 

I miss her so much and I keep thinking about "what if"...What if I had tried more...what if I had married her...

I think I did my part (I tried) but I knew her worries and I could have anticipated the end.

 

Any feedbacks is super welcome. Is life any easier once you're married and committed?

 

Bonjour essai0506, et bienvenue à LS!

 

Sorry to hear that you are in a tough spot. It's great that you have come here. There are lots of great people here who will want to help you!

 

For us to be able to advise, I think we need to find out a little more about you guys, so I apologise that my post raises more questions than it provides answers!

 

1. How do you truly feel about her? Is she just a great girlfriend, or do you truly love her, completely with all your heart? Have you have other girlfriends that you have felt as strongly about before? Did you get over these easily? Does she feel like "the one"? Are you heartbroken at the split, or philosophical about it?

 

2. The same question as above, but turned on to her - do you feel that she truly loves you? Was the decision to end it devastating to her, or just a logical, albeit sad, decision?

 

3. I get the impression (I may be wrong) that you guys are pretty young? Early 20s? For the future in this situation, I see some positives and some negatives if you are indeed that young. (EDIT: Apologies - I now see that you are in your 30s! Sorry - missed it in the OP! I have more hope for you at this age - you are likely to change less.) On the negative, people tend to change quite a lot between their 20s and their 40s say in terms of their life goals, aspirations, desires, etc, and there are already a lot of compromises required on your part to keep you guys together. Do you think it is likely that you will develop in similar directions as you age? Are you very much aligned in you life goals, dreams, etc? Are your interests, hobbies, etc the same? Are your personalities completely on the same wavelength? On the positive side, her parents and culture will have less of an influence over her as she ages, and you should replace her family as her number one influence. This should make you less restricted in the future hopefully. If her culture is so strict that she will never have this level of freedom, can you honestly say that you are ready to commit your life to those restrictions? Over time, you may feel you are being held back, and resentments may slowly build.

 

4. Living away from France permanently will be a big deal for you (culture shock has been a big issue in my problems). But her attitude could make it a lot easier for you. Does she love France? Does she speak French (or at least is she learning it?) If you have kids, you will want them to be able to speak fluent French and for that, both parents will need to be able to speak it in the home. You may not be thinking of kids yet, but when you do, it will and should be important to you that your kids will have your culture and language and not just hers. Is she willing to spend almost all future holidays visiting your folks in France? Is there a good French community in Illinois? Are you happy to be living in the US, or would you secretly rather be back in France? This particular question means a lot to me personality - being held back from my own country/culture caused me a lot of sadness, but we are working on that now. Make sure she doesn't hold you back in this way - multilingual, multicultural marriages can be fantastic, but it has to work two ways. You have already made massive compromises. Is she prepared to compromise too? If she is not meeting you half way, again, this is an area where resentments can build over time.

 

5. Marriage is a huge step. is this something that you had been thinking of anyway, or is it purely this situation that is forcing you to think about it? Never get married unless you are absolutely sure that you want it. Don't just do it for a convenience thing. You guys are clearly committed to each other, but this is a complex situation and you are talking about the whole of your life here. If she loves you, she won't insist on an "instant marriage or nothing" deal. There are other ways to show commitment that are less drastic and would allow you time to think about things and enjoy each other without the full commitment of marriage just yet. Could you consider a long engagement instead? Would that be acceptable to her and her community?

 

And when you ask "Is life any easier once you're married and committed?" Well, not really! Life can be pretty much the same actually - but the partnership is now legal, and a lot more costly and stressful if you find that you are not, after all, right for each other.

 

All the very best of luck essai0506. You come across as a really great guy in your post. You will be OK!

 

Keep posting to us!

 

Je te souhaite mes meilleurs vœux, mon ami

 

J

Edited March 2, 2016 by jenkins95

[central]

The simple answer is: No. She sounds inflexible and controlling, and uncaring of your needs and priorities. I understand that she wants a commitment, but it sounds even more like she wants to lock you in - with the emphasis on "lock."

 

I think you will soon be very sorry if you agree. You will not only lose options, opportunities, and freedom, you will lose her respect. Without even living in Chicago a while (or an extended visit), you don't know what to expect, and that's unreasonable.

 

Before you marry is when you have the most ability to compromise. Once you do, the more controlling and least flexible person usually sets the rules - the other follows or is made miserable.

[road]

Everything has a price.

 

 

You do not want to pay it then she is not worth it.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe after getting married (committed for a lifetime), she would have been more open to compromises at some point?

 

Courtship is a preview of marriage, that's why you spend time together before committing. Therefore, her inability to consider your side would continue into big decisions like lifestyle, children, finances, etc. None of those are decisions I'd want made without my input.

 

Have you considered reaching out to her and telling her what you've posted here? She may be having second thoughts also...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

From her point of view... I can understand wanting a commitment at her age. I can also understand the not wanting to live together... it's not something I wanted. ... and I was prepared to split with my now husband over it.

 

My compromise would have been you moving to the USA... living in your own place.....where you both got the opportunityto be physically closer.

 

 

I don't think you are sure she's the one.. so NO you should not have proposed.

[MJJean]

She wants to live near her family in IL., get married, and probably have children some day. These are not things that can really be compromised on. She might be willing to compromise on things like which house to buy or how much time she spends on hobbies, but what state to live in and marriage are such deep wants that compromise in those areas are dealbreakers for her.

 

Honestly, being from an area near Chicago, and knowing the lady's family are religious, none of this is surprising. Religious families from that area tend to be close knit and to want to live near each other and visit often. It's also not uncommon for younger folks to move away for education and early career and then miss their home and family and decide to move back.

 

Additionally, it's not uncommon for a woman considering marriage and children to want to be near her female relatives. The transition from single to wife is scary for some women. They are afraid of losing their identity. They fear they may be mistreated and left without a support system. And, when pregnant, a woman feels incredibly vulnerable and is usually anxious about the birth process and newborn care. So, they want to be near their family for security and the knowledge and support of female relatives who have had children.

 

If you love her and she is the woman you want to marry, I think you could work it out.

 

If living in the US is something you're willing to do, have you considered just coming for an extended visit once she has moved to Chicago? You'd be able to meet her family, get a feel for the region, and then make a decision about how to go forward.

[essai0506]

Bonjour essai0506, et bienvenue à LS!

 

Sorry to hear that you are in a tough spot. It's great that you have come here. There are lots of great people here who will want to help you!

 

For us to be able to advise, I think we need to find out a little more about you guys, so I apologise that my post raises more questions than it provides answers!

 

1. How do you truly feel about her? Is she just a great girlfriend, or do you truly love her, completely with all your heart? Have you have other girlfriends that you have felt as strongly about before? Did you get over these easily? Does she feel like "the one"? Are you heartbroken at the split, or philosophical about it?

 

2. The same question as above, but turned on to her - do you feel that she truly loves you? Was the decision to end it devastating to her, or just a logical, albeit sad, decision?

 

3. I get the impression (I may be wrong) that you guys are pretty young? Early 20s? For the future in this situation, I see some positives and some negatives if you are indeed that young. (EDIT: Apologies - I now see that you are in your 30s! Sorry - missed it in the OP! I have more hope for you at this age - you are likely to change less.) On the negative, people tend to change quite a lot between their 20s and their 40s say in terms of their life goals, aspirations, desires, etc, and there are already a lot of compromises required on your part to keep you guys together. Do you think it is likely that you will develop in similar directions as you age? Are you very much aligned in you life goals, dreams, etc? Are your interests, hobbies, etc the same? Are your personalities completely on the same wavelength? On the positive side, her parents and culture will have less of an influence over her as she ages, and you should replace her family as her number one influence. This should make you less restricted in the future hopefully. If her culture is so strict that she will never have this level of freedom, can you honestly say that you are ready to commit your life to those restrictions? Over time, you may feel you are being held back, and resentments may slowly build.

 

4. Living away from France permanently will be a big deal for you (culture shock has been a big issue in my problems). But her attitude could make it a lot easier for you. Does she love France? Does she speak French (or at least is she learning it?) If you have kids, you will want them to be able to speak fluent French and for that, both parents will need to be able to speak it in the home. You may not be thinking of kids yet, but when you do, it will and should be important to you that your kids will have your culture and language and not just hers. Is she willing to spend almost all future holidays visiting your folks in France? Is there a good French community in Illinois? Are you happy to be living in the US, or would you secretly rather be back in France? This particular question means a lot to me personality - being held back from my own country/culture caused me a lot of sadness, but we are working on that now. Make sure she doesn't hold you back in this way - multilingual, multicultural marriages can be fantastic, but it has to work two ways. You have already made massive compromises. Is she prepared to compromise too? If she is not meeting you half way, again, this is an area where resentments can build over time.

 

5. Marriage is a huge step. is this something that you had been thinking of anyway, or is it purely this situation that is forcing you to think about it? Never get married unless you are absolutely sure that you want it. Don't just do it for a convenience thing. You guys are clearly committed to each other, but this is a complex situation and you are talking about the whole of your life here. If she loves you, she won't insist on an "instant marriage or nothing" deal. There are other ways to show commitment that are less drastic and would allow you time to think about things and enjoy each other without the full commitment of marriage just yet. Could you consider a long engagement instead? Would that be acceptable to her and her community?

 

And when you ask "Is life any easier once you're married and committed?" Well, not really! Life can be pretty much the same actually - but the partnership is now legal, and a lot more costly and stressful if you find that you are not, after all, right for each other.

 

All the very best of luck essai0506. You come across as a really great guy in your post. You will be OK!

 

Keep posting to us!

 

Je te souhaite mes meilleurs vœux, mon ami

 

J

 

Hi Jenkins,

Thanks for your long reply and your support! I did not expect so many answers and so quickly.

i pretty much have no hope by now. She broke up 6 months ago after 12 months without physically seeing each other (= 18 months now). But I still miss her and our time + I want to understand what went wrong, if I did my part or not enough.

So to comment your points:

1. Is she just a great girlfriend, or do I truly love her, completely with all your heart? Hard to answer...not sure what it means to truly love someone. I did love her, that's for sure. Did I have other girlfriends that you have felt as strongly about before? Yes I did. Did I get over these easily? Not at all. once I'm into someone, I consider them as part of my life and I have a very hard time to let people go. Does she feel like "the one"? Again this is hard to say. But she definitely felt like the right one at the right time. Plus we shared so many amazing moments (intense humanitarian life in Africa, life in NYC, travels...). We understood each other and we were a great team, never arguing.

 

2. The same question as above, but turned on to her - do you feel that she truly loves you? Yes she did love me, no doubt about that. We only told it to each other 3 times but we really meant it. Was the decision to end it devastating to her, or just a logical, albeit sad, decision? Because of the situation (her in Chicago, me in France), the fact that she would not want to compromise and she thought that I deserved someone who would do compromises, she made a "logical" decision. I suspect she had terrible second thoughts while doing it, coz I was the first one she ever considered getting married with. You know what you lose, but you never know what you get. Even though her feelings cooled off after 12 months without seeing me physically (except on skype), I think she suffered a lot from the decision. Or maybe she suffered from the loss (I went no contact for 2 months before contacting her again and she seemed relieved when I did).

 

3. Do you think it is likely that you will develop in similar directions as you age? Yes, I will also want to get married and have a child at some point but I would have liked to wait a couple of years finishing my studies, doing a big travel with her before settling down) but we unfortunately did not communicate well enough about this.

Are you very much aligned in you life goals, dreams, etc? Our dreams may differ a bit as she really want to settle down to her home place and raise a family. I may go for that but I needed more time because I entered into the real "love" mode later than her.

Are your interests, hobbies, etc the same? Are your personalities completely on the same wavelength? We have similar values and our personalities complete each other. We don't share all our hobbies but we always enjoyed discovering each other interests.

Regarding the family influence, I guess it grew more and more after she returned to Chicago, leaving with them. Some sort of unconscious pressure from the local environment I guess, seeing everyone married at her age and all that. probably her parents asking why she did not date (because she was with me but she did not tell them about me). The thing is, I wanted to come and live in Chicago first before going any further as I was not sure how her new life was different from what we had a few months earlier during our free and anonymous life in NYC. She kind of made me understand that I would not be happy, and that religion is a bit of an issue (she is from the bible student community. I'm not familiar with that, I was raised as a catholic but I don't practice any religion now).

 

4. "Living away from France permanently will be a big deal for you (culture shock has been a big issue in my problems). But her attitude could make it a lot easier for you." Does she love France? Yes, I guess she enjoyed it for travelling but definitely not for living. Does she speak French? Yes fluently. Is she willing to spend almost all future holidays visiting your folks in France? Yes I guess she would have definitely do that if I had come and live forever in the US. Is there a good French community in Illinois? No idea, plus I'm not necessarily looking for French groups. Are you happy to be living in the US, or would you secretly rather be back in France? I enjoyed NYC so much but living forever is different that an extended visit of several months = that's why I felt that I had to try to come without end date to see how I'd feel. I love the US but I need an international culture around.

Is she prepared to compromise too? If she is not meeting you half way? this is the point. I hope she would have met me half-way. We could continue to live a few years in NYC (instead of visiting her for a few months, I'd get a real job there) or at least she could have let me come to Chicago for an extended visit to see how I would feel, to get to know her family and so on but she only wanted all (wedding commitment, life in Chicago) or nothing (no more boyfriend/girlfriend relationship).

 

5. Marriage is a huge step. is this something that you had been thinking of anyway, or is it purely this situation that is forcing you to think about it? This situation forced me to think about it. I was not at all in this state of mind as I 've been studying my master's degree and in France we usually don't get married before living together for a couple of years (cultural different that I realize now). So when she mentioned commitment, I was really not at this stage.

If she loves you, she won't insist on an "instant marriage or nothing" deal. There are other ways to show commitment that are less drastic and would allow you time to think about things and enjoy each other without the full commitment of marriage just yet. Could you consider a long engagement instead? Would that be acceptable to her and her community? I think that would have been the solution. But again, I thought that she could have been more flexible and let me come to see her again. I guess we had a different timing. She was ready to get married with me in her head while I was only in the "super serious relationship" mode.

Plus my brother broke up with his partner and they have a little daughter. So I kept thinking...what if our marriage does not work and if we have a kid = I am stuck in the US with my family in France and my child in the US = in my head, there was no place for a mistake so I just needed more time to make sure we were right for each other when sharing a normal life "living together, having both a job,..." before actually making the big jump.

 

All in all, it was just bad communication, wrong timing and too much worries about the future from both of us. What a waste coz we were really good for each other. I suppose she changed when moving from NYC (where we had an amzing time and love) to Chicago (where she wants to be a wife and a mother, following her community). I feel like there was an opportunity or a timeframe when she would have been flexible with me = when she loved me the most (the day I left NYC for the last time to go for my work abroad for a few months).

Anyways, thanks for all the information you gave. It helped me having an objective point of view and your questions made me think a lot.

I guess I will only feel better the day I feel happier than when I was living with this amazing girl in amazing NYC. It was like a dream. Time flew away. I hope I'll feel the same one day.

All the best to you!

Jean

[essai0506]

The simple answer is: No. She sounds inflexible and controlling, and uncaring of your needs and priorities. I understand that she wants a commitment, but it sounds even more like she wants to lock you in - with the emphasis on "lock."

 

I think you will soon be very sorry if you agree. You will not only lose options, opportunities, and freedom, you will lose her respect. Without even living in Chicago a while (or an extended visit), you don't know what to expect, and that's unreasonable.

 

Before you marry is when you have the most ability to compromise. Once you do, the more controlling and least flexible person usually sets the rules - the other follows or is made miserable.

 

Hi Central,

Thanks for your reply. I felt the same way. We loved each other. She did love me very much but her lack of flexibility made me think twice: am I really her priority? Will she also be inflexible after a wedding for any future decision?

If only she had either wait for me in NYC (she moved back to Chicago while I was working abroad) or she could have agree that I come to visit her in Chicago.

However, if we had gotten married and if I had sacrified for her, I'm sure she would have been super flexible for the rest and sooo happy that I commit. I probably did not make her understand enough how much I loved her. She was probably afraid I would never commit and waste her precious time to find another husband to have a kid before her 35 y old. She was also worried that I would not been happy in the new life she offered me.

 

Faults are on both of us. I think I tried more and that she could have shown a bit more flexibility but I can't imagine how much pressure women have at 33, especially as she is from a traditional family.

I just miss her so much.

[essai0506]

Courtship is a preview of marriage, that's why you spend time together before committing. Therefore, her inability to consider your side would continue into big decisions like lifestyle, children, finances, etc. None of those are decisions I'd want made without my input.

 

Have you considered reaching out to her and telling her what you've posted here? She may be having second thoughts also...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hey Mr Lucky

Yes, I told her what I thought but she seemed inflexible and convinced that the life she wants is not the one I'd dream of.

I'm sure she had second thoughts even if she would never tell me. She was unlucky with guys before meeting me and even though we did not have the same timing about settling down, she probably wonder whether she was making the biggest mistake of her life when letting me go (I'm a decent guy and we really got along well). That's why we managed to spend 12 months together without seeing each other. Because even though we both did not take the leap of faith, we also knew how lucky we were to be together. But time and distance is a killer to any relationship...

It's very sad and hard to break up due to circomstances rather that due to arguments or incompatibility.

Anyways, I told her what I think, what I feel. I should be at peace. I'm hurting now. She may regret it later on. But I keep having this "what if" thought...that I could have done something different to convince her and to remove her fear of where our relationship was going. She is just like me, we are both afraid to take risks in life. Sometimes we should...

Anyways, thanks for your comment.

[craw]

Is life any easier once you're married and committed?

 

No. It just involves another person.

 

I don't know why you want to commit to a woman like this, it's one thing when you're compromising all the time, but has she?

[Emilia]

I think the two of you should have broken up much sooner. Clearly you want different things

[Mr. Lucky]

Anyways, I told her what I think, what I feel. I should be at peace. I'm hurting now. She may regret it later on. But I keep having this "what if" thought...that I could have done something different to convince her and to remove her fear of where our relationship was going. She is just like me, we are both afraid to take risks in life. Sometimes we should...

 

Faint heart never won fair lady. Either do what it takes to show up at her door and plead your case or let it go.

 

Have you dated since she called it off?

 

Mr. Lucky

[essai0506]

From her point of view... I can understand wanting a commitment at her age. I can also understand the not wanting to live together... it's not something I wanted. ... and I was prepared to split with my now husband over it.

 

My compromise would have been you moving to the USA... living in your own place.....where you both got the opportunityto be physically closer.

 

 

I don't think you are sure she's the one.. so NO you should not have proposed.

 

Hi Sandylee,

I understand her will to commit of course. But there were other aspects to consider in the relationship. If we were from the same place, we'd still be together but when I saw that she did not want to do any compromise, I had second thought whether I should take all the risks (moving out to her country for good, to live her life). I'm not saying that living in Chicago would have been bad. i'd have probably loved it, it's just that it is a decision to take together when you're a couple. You are right about the compromise. I wanted to go for an extended visit to Chicago, one that would be much longer that the 3 months I usually stayed in NYC but she just did not want me to come in Chicago if we are only boyfriend/girlfriend. I think I did not convince her how much moving out there was already a great commitment for me. Maybe I should have just moved to Chicago without asking her opinion, then we would have rekindled our feelings. She would have realized what a strong connection we had and I would have realized that I can be happy there too. I suppose we were both scared and we let the time and distance make the final decision for us.

[essai0506]

She wants to live near her family in IL., get married, and probably have children some day. These are not things that can really be compromised on. She might be willing to compromise on things like which house to buy or how much time she spends on hobbies, but what state to live in and marriage are such deep wants that compromise in those areas are dealbreakers for her.

 

Honestly, being from an area near Chicago, and knowing the lady's family are religious, none of this is surprising. Religious families from that area tend to be close knit and to want to live near each other and visit often. It's also not uncommon for younger folks to move away for education and early career and then miss their home and family and decide to move back.

 

Additionally, it's not uncommon for a woman considering marriage and children to want to be near her female relatives. The transition from single to wife is scary for some women. They are afraid of losing their identity. They fear they may be mistreated and left without a support system. And, when pregnant, a woman feels incredibly vulnerable and is usually anxious about the birth process and newborn care. So, they want to be near their family for security and the knowledge and support of female relatives who have had children.

 

If you love her and she is the woman you want to marry, I think you could work it out.

 

If living in the US is something you're willing to do, have you considered just coming for an extended visit once she has moved to Chicago? You'd be able to meet her family, get a feel for the region, and then make a decision about how to go forward.

 

Hi MJJean,

Thanks for your interesting input and point of view. I wish she had said it clearly the way you just did. It makes sense that she'd want family support at this stage of her life. She would have compromised on many other things because she probably just wanted to be married and live near her family. The rest would not matter so much. But for me big decision should be "couple decision". I'm not saying she took the wrong decision, but she kept me out of the decision process.

She is from the bible student community, which is quite traditional from what I understood. I'm not very familiar with it. She did not care so much in NYC but once back home in Chicago I think that she really reconnected with her community and activities, probably due to the nice solidarity they have (unlike the tough and lonely life in NYC). And maybe, being not very religious myself (I grew up as a catholic), I eventually did not look like an ideal fit. I guess our breakup is related to different things added up together: distance and time without seeing each other, religion (not sure to what extent), timing about marriage and child, etc.

One thing I know is that we loved each other and that we shared a beautiful story. We were a really good team, never arguing. And I regret that we were both scared to take the leap of faith. I kept the options open coz I thought we had something nice building up...but she seemed to put barriers as time went (she moved out of NYC before I finished my work abroad and go back to visit her, then she would not let me visit her in Chicago without commitment...) but on the other hand I could not promise her I would come back because she seemed like not wanting to do a step towards me despite her feelings for me, then she was probably afraid to wait for nothing (age pressure). Given the big step to make (moving abroad for good), I really needed go one step at a time (short vist, then extended visits in nYC, then extended visit in Chicago, and then engagement if all goes well, then living again together...). Sometimes I felt like I was a forbidden love for her. As if she loves me but could not change anything.

It was really difficult circumstances. We have the same values (family is important) but we did not managed to communicate well and to put into each other shoes when the time came to do it.

As you suggested, I proposed to come for an extended vist to Chicago and I'm sure she would have totally changed her mind once I meet her family and relatives. But she refused me to come only as boyfriend/girlfriend at this stage (why to put all this barrier?).

I once met her cousin by accident in NYC. She first did not want her to know about me (afraid that her cousin would tell her parents about me) but we ended up meeting and her cousin really liked me. My gf was relieved and so happy about it, as if she puts on herself a huge amount of pressure to make sure her parents are not disappointed.

But thanks a lot for your point of view. I can relate better to the way she would think and her worries. It's a shame we could not find a way, because there was a way. But it's not easy to overcome fears when both of us are anxious about life and about the well being of the partner. It was such a beautiful story and I know that one day we'll meet again and give each other a big hug. I wish we had broken up over an argument or incompatibility. It would be easier to move on. Had we been from the same city, we would still be together...

And I would not be thinking "what if..."

[essai0506]

No. It just involves another person.

 

I don't know why you want to commit to a woman like this, it's one thing when you're compromising all the time, but has she?

 

I thought of committing because we really had a good and healthy relationship. We shared amazing time together in different countries.

If I had proposed, accepted to live in Chicago and be ready for a child, she would be the happiest woman in the world. But I was not at this stage yet in my head and she was not willing to wait a little bit or to ease things for us to work out.

We both had our responsability in the break-up. I respect her decision and I can understand her fears with the pression of the age, family...

But I wish she had done one small step towards me, then I would have done the rest.

My second thought was...would she make compromises about the rest if I compromise about where to live...not sure...even she could not tell when I asked. She is an amazing woman who has a very clear goal to achieve before it's too late and she got scared that it would not work out between us knowing that she was asking me a lot. I suppose I was not her top priority at some point. Maybe it's not me she absolutely wanted but a decent husband (that I would have been) not requiring compromises.

[essai0506]

I think the two of you should have broken up much sooner. Clearly you want different things

 

Hi Emilia,

You may be right. But we felt so good together and we were both confused about what we wanted from life (switching from humanitarian life to normal life is definitely a challenging time with a lot of confusion).

So we kind of enjoyed the moments without focusing on the future. By the time we woke up from our dream...it was too late. We were in love...

Broken up sooner would have been more strategic or reasonable but sometimes you just follow the emotional part of the brain, not the logical one...

Now I suffer. But I hope that in the future I'll remember our story as a beautiful parenthesis in our life...

I wish I had enjoyed it even more. Time flew away...

[essai0506]

Faint heart never won fair lady. Either do what it takes to show up at her door and plead your case or let it go.

 

Have you dated since she called it off?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In the past, I did once cross an ocean for a girl whereas she started to date someone. She gave me 1h and that's it. Lesson learnt. After this, I decided I won't do crazy things anymore.

Regarding her, I pleaded my case and I let her know how I felt. But she is a stubborn one. And even if she missed me, she would not tell. I actually think that pleading did not do my any favor. It chases her away, letting her think that she could put me in the backburner.

I did go out with another girl after the break up but it was not too serious. I was just not ready. But I know I should keep dating. That's the only way to move on. You can only replace drug (love about someone) with something else that keeps your brain focused (e.g. another love).

The hard part is that she broke up when I most needed her. I had to work on a thesis. Alone to do this work and with a break-up in mind, I was in the worst situation to move on properly (and to work).

[Emilia]

Hi Emilia,

You may be right. But we felt so good together and we were both confused about what we wanted from life (switching from humanitarian life to normal life is definitely a challenging time with a lot of confusion).

So we kind of enjoyed the moments without focusing on the future. By the time we woke up from our dream...it was too late. We were in love...

Broken up sooner would have been more strategic or reasonable but sometimes you just follow the emotional part of the brain, not the logical one...

Now I suffer. But I hope that in the future I'll remember our story as a beautiful parenthesis in our life...

I wish I had enjoyed it even more. Time flew away...

 

It's important to allow logic and rationality to have a say - but it's not what I meant. The way I read it, you haven't seen each other for a year, I think after 3 months you should have called it quits. Speaking from experience, dragging no contact decision out is not a good idea.

[elaine567]

Speaking of oceans.

“There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.”

 

Unfortunately you just got involved with a person whose family values and religious upbringing meant that home was where the heart is.

There is no other option for her, so had you married her, then you would be living with her and raising a family near Chicago, or you would be split up.

[essai0506]

It's important to allow logic and rationality to have a say - but it's not what I meant. The way I read it, you haven't seen each other for a year, I think after 3 months you should have called it quits. Speaking from experience, dragging no contact decision out is not a good idea.

 

I know. It would have been healthier. But I guess we were both in need of a support due to changes in our lives and we frequently helped each other.

Plus we hoped to find a compromise at some point so that we can be reunited.

We loved each other and no one had the courage to call it off. You always know what you lose, but never what you'll find out there.

[Emilia]

I know. It would have been healthier. But I guess we were both in need of a support due to changes in our lives and we frequently helped each other.

Plus we hoped to find a compromise at some point so that we can be reunited.

We loved each other and no one had the courage to call it off. You always know what you lose, but never what you'll find out there.

 

Sure. It just answers your original question though, doesn't it. Time to move on.

[essai0506]

Speaking of oceans.

“There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even jump puddles for you.”

 

Unfortunately you just got involved with a person whose family values and religious upbringing meant that home was where the heart is.

There is no other option for her, so had you married her, then you would be living with her and raising a family near Chicago, or you would be split up.

 

Hi Elaine,

Nice quote, although I think that there is a right moment to cross the ocean for a good ending. And we people tend to do it when it's already too late...

It's true that once she got back to Chicago, she probably reconnected a lot with her relatives and community. I should have it seen coming...we are all influence by the people around us and she is no different. The only regret is that I wish she had left me come in Chicago for an extended visit so that we could rekindle what we had. And I could figure out a way to still be in touch with my family on regular basis.

I believe that if she doesn't find a decent guy, she will often think of me because we had something beautiful going on until time and distance stopped it. I must wish her happinness and I like the idea of supporting her if ever one day she'll hit rock bottom, even if we have not spoken in years.

And it is the same for me, I am going to have a hard time replacing her. It just worked out so well. I'm afraid I won't fall in love again and be as happy as I was with her. Why do we always realize how good things are when it's gone...

[sandylee1]

Just take your time and don't marry a girl in the future who is second best. I've seen a few cases where this happened.... and the two later reconnect leaving your future spouses totally shocked.

[craw]

I tried to send you a PM. Didn't work.

 

 

She doesn't deserve someone like you. I would have been so happy if someone liked me flew across an ocean to see me for ten minutes.

 

I fell in love with someone. He travels a lot and he's in Europe. I'm in Toronto and I found out he flew to California and never came to see me.

 

Don't change. Keep your mind open and you will meet someone worthy of your love.