Should I have married her to get more compromise from her?

[essai0506]

Just take your time and don't marry a girl in the future who is second best. I've seen a few cases where this happened.... and the two later reconnect leaving your future spouses totally shocked.

 

I'm definitely gonna take my time but I'm not 25 anymore and I wish I could start my real and long couple life now (at 35)...

There is now way I will take someone by default. It would be a lack of respect for the person + I won't be happy. But I have to try dating and dating...to move on. Not sure I will manage toreplace her though...

[Bufo]

I'm not real swift in the metric measurement system so I'll have to rely on the good olsmAmerican 2x4. ThTs the type of lumber we use to build or to smack some sense into someone with.

 

She is making a movie where she writes the script, produces the film, directs iat and plays the starring role. You are only a member of the supporting cast. Her life is all about her. If you'd played your part according to the script and how the director instructs, you would already been married, living in Chicago even in the dead of winter, and dutifully been visiting her family every week end.

 

In her mind you failed her. Did not live up to her expectations of what a dutiful boyfriend would do.

 

Can you rekindle her flame? Quite possibly unless some other more pliant actor has taken the role. But do you really want to do that? She can't make you happy. Only you can make you happy. And this is true for her too.

 

Think of a Venn diagram. If there is no overlap or only a slight overlap in happiness, the bond is easy to break.

Please think long and hard about this. Life is not a romance movie.

[essai0506]

I'm not real swift in the metric measurement system so I'll have to rely on the good olsmAmerican 2x4. ThTs the type of lumber we use to build or to smack some sense into someone with.

 

She is making a movie where she writes the script, produces the film, directs iat and plays the starring role. You are only a member of the supporting cast. Her life is all about her. If you'd played your part according to the script and how the director instructs, you would already been married, living in Chicago even in the dead of winter, and dutifully been visiting her family every week end.

 

In her mind you failed her. Did not live up to her expectations of what a dutiful boyfriend would do.

 

Can you rekindle her flame? Quite possibly unless some other more pliant actor has taken the role. But do you really want to do that? She can't make you happy. Only you can make you happy. And this is true for her too.

 

Think of a Venn diagram. If there is no overlap or only a slight overlap in happiness, the bond is easy to break.

Please think long and hard about this. Life is not a romance movie.

 

Hi Bufo! Yes her life is about her. She loved me very much. But even if she told me and showed me that she loved me, I was waiting that she would compromise a little bit to accept that it's about us. Even if Chicago was the most logical options (e.g. if she had said "I'd dream to be near my parents when I have a child..."), then Chicago it would have been. But she decided alone because she could not see herself living anywhere else, or waiting a couple of years before heading home. I was not included in the decision and for me, this made a big difference.

The pb was not about going to Chicago, it was about deciding together. Sometimes I think I'm right to have stand up for me, sometimes I think I'm stupid not to have taken the leap of faith knowing that she only behaved like this because she was scared (not because she really meant to hurt me).

Can I rekindle the flame? Yes that was without a doubt until the day she started dating someone, who is probably much more close to her life style, probably from the same bible student community, or at least from Chicago area. Maybe she's much happier now (no LDR stress), maybe she'll one day regret me, especially if she sees me moving on with another girl and her having ahard time in her relationship. Who knows...I wish her the best.

Do I want to get back with her? I should answer "no" because I think that once she started dating a new person, she broke completely the relationship. I'm the dumpee, I suffered (well she also did as the dumper), she let me down when I most needed her but in reality she was always nice to me, even after the break up. We respect each other a lot. So who knows...maybe we'd get back together if she happens to be more flexible. But our paths will unlikely cross again. We are now in different continents so we'll only meet if we both decide to do it. I also kind of lost trust when she broke up...will she do it again once the relationship will get harder? When things don't go as she planned or dreamed?

Anyways, I can't prevent from thinking of her and I can't imagine anyone better to share my life with. She is going to be sooo hard to replace, if ever she can be replaced... All these beautiful and unique memories we have... Thinking back, I know I could have opened her eyes when she was afraid to try more...

[Bufo]

You are right. And if you are like me you'll think about her for a very long time. I still have thoughts and dreams about ex gfs even though I've been married nearly 30 years. And I know they just weren't right for me.

 

My point was that she isn't a compromiser. Things must be for her the way she wants them to be. Certain things like family and faith and geographical upbringing are her core which she cannot compromise and remain happy.

 

And I somehow doubt you'd remain happy if you were the one who had to always surrender your core beliefs to her.

 

Glad you read my poorly edited post and responded so thoughtfully.

[loveboid]

Instead of thinking "what if" I would think "what would". What would she do if you moved? What would you do if she were inflexible again? What would she do if she had a kid?

 

I think she would put a child before you. If you had a kid with her she would do other things...raise the child her religion and not really make the decision with you. Send the child to a school of her choice...etc, etc. If you got divorced she would want full custody and make you pay for it.

 

I think this is a basic incompatibility. She wants a child now and you do not. I think she should have lovingly let you go instead of making these hard demands. It shows to me that she would have continued to make more hard demands, simply because she didn't want to take the time to find someone who really wanted kids with her now. These decisions would be easier to make with someone who wants the same things.