How I Deal

[Mn_bowhunter]

I posted many months ago regarding WW affair. Since, this site has been a wonderful resource for me! To keep it succinct, WW cheated and left. I decided I wanted to work through it and stayed. WW has since moved back and we are doing ok, but resentment is starting to build in my end. I had a trigger this past week when WW came home several hours later than expected (her counseling ran long, which is confirmed). I triggered hard and it took me right back into the thick of the affair.

 

Since, we have discussed D several times. The long and short of it is I still struggle to trust and she doesn't like living in a glass house. I have explained that I don't want anything to do with her if we D, which she struggles with. Here is what has been working for me, allowing me to feel pretty good about the whole thing.

 

If/when we D, I am out of here. Like quit my job pack my car and hit the road. I have always been interested in returning to school to get a second degree. I plan to pursue that if this M falls through. I will move 1000 miles away and simply restart my life where no one knows me and I know nobody. I have researched jobs, housing, even adult rec sports in my town of choice. All this has really helped me cope with any negative feelings regarding my M. I am somewhat excited should this plan be put into action.

 

Has anyone done this? Any potential pitfalls? Looking forward to your knowledge and posts.

 

My IC is out of town this week, so I have talked to no one about this plan.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Mn_bowhunter
Added info

[oldshirt]

There are lots of people that don't believe in even trying to reconcile after an A for this very reason. that reason being that the damage has already been done and even though staying together and hoping things will go back to as they used to be may seem like a good idea at first, eventually all the resentment and distrust etc catches up and they realize they really don't want to remain in the M after all. Walking away and starting a new life right after Dday saves you all that time and energy spent on trying to R which will likely fail anyway.

 

 

I don't remember the details of your situation so I can't comment on your situation specifically. I will just say that you are already future planning without her in your future. That is pretty much nails in the coffin IMHO.

 

 

If your future life without her looks better to you than your life with her and you are looking to your life without her in anticipation and you kind of dread the thought of staying with her, then this is probably over.

[bigman1]

You know that your fantasy is just to run away? Thing is, that is a fine choice. You may need to go to get your head and heart tough so that you can truly cut her off. Who cares if it worked for someone else? What works for you?

 

You got her back, but now realize that you don't really want her back. The issues surrounding divorce are too painful, so you want to run. So long as you are not screwing up your life by ruining your career or citing family out because if her, it works. Heck, people do the whole fresh start thing all tyhhe time and for a bunch of reasons.

 

Bottom line, if this was a deal breaker and you need a fresh start, at 28 or so, you can start over so easy that its ridiculous. To sum up, go ahead and file, make plans to move, move if you can, never look back on her. She needs to be out of your life and your soul knows it.

[Joie]

Maybe you should talk to her about your plans. Our counselor gave us a list of things that we could do to build trust. We were to look at it separate and together and decide what we needed. The list had everything from always call when you are running late to moving to a new town and starting a career.

[66Charger]

During the hunt, if you wound your prey and it is lying on the ground, twitching, what do you do?

[Buckeye2]

Oldshirt and Bigman are right on target. I read your original post and it’s very clear that you are plan “B.” She wanted the OM and the only time she slowed down was when you said you might cut her off completely.

 

 

She’s like a monkey swinging from branch to branch not letting go of one until she has a firm grip on another. The only reason she’s back with you is that something didn’t work out with the OM. Young and no kids…..RUN.

[understand50]

I posted many months ago regarding WW affair. Since, this site has been a wonderful resource for me! To keep it succinct, WW cheated and left. I decided I wanted to work through it and stayed. WW has since moved back and we are doing ok, but resentment is starting to build in my end. I had a trigger this past week when WW came home several hours later than expected (her counseling ran long, which is confirmed). I triggered hard and it took me right back into the thick of the affair.

 

Since, we have discussed D several times. The long and short of it is I still struggle to trust and she doesn't like living in a glass house. I have explained that I don't want anything to do with her if we D, which she struggles with. Here is what has been working for me, allowing me to feel pretty good about the whole thing.

 

If/when we D, I am out of here. Like quit my job pack my car and hit the road. I have always been interested in returning to school to get a second degree. I plan to pursue that if this M falls through. I will move 1000 miles away and simply restart my life where no one knows me and I know nobody. I have researched jobs, housing, even adult rec sports in my town of choice. All this has really helped me cope with any negative feelings regarding my M. I am somewhat excited should this plan be put into action.

 

Has anyone done this? Any potential pitfalls? Looking forward to your knowledge and posts.

 

My IC is out of town this week, so I have talked to no one about this plan.

 

Mn_bowhunter,

 

Reconciliation is a hard thing to do. Look like you are not really into to giving her a second chance and she is not really ready to do the hard work on her part. So unless this changes, and you both commit to reconciliation, I see this marriage breaking up.

 

So... If I was you, I would first decide if I really want her. IF my love for her is strong enough to overcome all the emotions from her affair. I would also ask myself if she is really remorseful, and working to be open and transparent. Be honest with yourself. Once you decide, then take action, commit to the hard work of reconciliation, or divorce.

 

Read and have her read, if you have not already, the link at the top of the page: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know.

 

If she is not doing what is needed, see if she will. Also this gives you a baseline to judge.

 

I wish you luck

[Mrs. John Adams]

I posted many months ago regarding WW affair. Since, this site has been a wonderful resource for me! To keep it succinct, WW cheated and left. I decided I wanted to work through it and stayed. WW has since moved back and we are doing ok, but resentment is starting to build in my end. I had a trigger this past week when WW came home several hours later than expected (her counseling ran long, which is confirmed). I triggered hard and it took me right back into the thick of the affair.

 

Since, we have discussed D several times. The long and short of it is I still struggle to trust and she doesn't like living in a glass house. I have explained that I don't want anything to do with her if we D, which she struggles with. Here is what has been working for me, allowing me to feel pretty good about the whole thing.

 

If/when we D, I am out of here. Like quit my job pack my car and hit the road. I have always been interested in returning to school to get a second degree. I plan to pursue that if this M falls through. I will move 1000 miles away and simply restart my life where no one knows me and I know nobody. I have researched jobs, housing, even adult rec sports in my town of choice. All this has really helped me cope with any negative feelings regarding my M. I am somewhat excited should this plan be put into action.

 

Has anyone done this? Any potential pitfalls? Looking forward to your knowledge and posts.

 

My IC is out of town this week, so I have talked to no one about this plan.

 

My husband and I have been in reconciliation for 33 years since my short affair.

The only advice or suggestions I can give you are from a personal perspective.

 

When I confessed....and my husband chose reconciliation....I knew the most important thing for me was to rebuild trust. I immediately became completely transparent. It was the only way I knew to help him to feel safe.

 

She must willingly give you passwords to all accounts...she must be willing to give you your schedules....she must call or text...to let you know if she will be late. If she is not willing to take the steps....to become transparent to you...Trust cannot begin to rebuild.

 

She will tell you she is sorry because she is. Remorse will come...be patient.

Ask her to read the book...how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. It is 95 pages and can be downloaded free. This is an instructional guide. If after she reads it....there is no movement toward you....no progress toward remorse....then it might be a clue how your reconciliation will move forward.

 

Go to therapy....IC and MC. If you are struggling with not sleeping, or anxiety attacks...talk to you doctor. You might need some mild medication to help you through the next few months.

 

See a lawyer....find out all of your rights and what you might need to do should the reconciliation fail and divorce becomes the answer for you.

 

Remember that none of this is your fault. Your wife chose to cheat....and no matter what condition the marriage was in...infidelity is not the answer. Do not let her blame shift....do not let her make excuses...do not allow her to twist the truth. One of the first steps toward remorse is accepting responsibility for the choice to cheat....

 

Triggers happen...even many years later. But as reconciliation improves...triggers become fewer and less crippling. Remember that triggering happens for both of you. Every time you feel like you want to flee...so does she. If she comes to a place of remorse....every time you hurt...she hurts. Remorse is understanding the pain you have caused and doing something about it. It is placing your needs above her own....she has already been selfish...she made the decision to cheat without asking your opinion.

 

I like to recommend to BS...take back your power. She took it away....now it is your turn.

 

Reconciliation is a very slow process....and it takes the rest of your life. This is a scary thought for those just beginning the process.....but as time goes by....as trust rebuilds.....as the relationship draws closer....and life returns to "normal"....it gets easier. The scars of infidelity forever remain.....you can view the scars as a reminder of all the pain you have suffered...or you can view the scars as a reminder how far you have come. The choice is yours.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Mn_bowhunter]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I certainly do still love her very much, I guess this is my way of detaching a bit from everything. Lots to talk through with my IC!

[TX-SC]

If that happened to me, I think I would take a route similar to what you are considering. I'm quite resourcesful and can easily make it on my own. Going back to school would be rewarding and a heck of a lot of fun as well. I already have a graduate degree but would love a Ph.D. A change of scenary would be good for you. I also imagine I would do some travelling, cruises, etc.

 

Infidelity is a hard thing to overcome. There is no shame in your having it be a deal breaker for you.

[oldshirt]

My husband and I have been in reconciliation for 33 years since my short affair.

The only advice or suggestions I can give you are from a personal perspective.

 

When I confessed....and my husband chose reconciliation....I knew the most important thing for me was to rebuild trust. I immediately became completely transparent. It was the only way I knew to help him to feel safe.

 

She must willingly give you passwords to all accounts...she must be willing to give you your schedules....she must call or text...to let you know if she will be late. If she is not willing to take the steps....to become transparent to you...Trust cannot begin to rebuild.

 

She will tell you she is sorry because she is. Remorse will come...be patient.

Ask her to read the book...how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. It is 95 pages and can be downloaded free. This is an instructional guide. If after she reads it....there is no movement toward you....no progress toward remorse....then it might be a clue how your reconciliation will move forward.

 

Go to therapy....IC and MC. If you are struggling with not sleeping, or anxiety attacks...talk to you doctor. You might need some mild medication to help you through the next few months.

 

See a lawyer....find out all of your rights and what you might need to do should the reconciliation fail and divorce becomes the answer for you.

 

Remember that none of this is your fault. Your wife chose to cheat....and no matter what condition the marriage was in...infidelity is not the answer. Do not let her blame shift....do not let her make excuses...do not allow her to twist the truth. One of the first steps toward remorse is accepting responsibility for the choice to cheat....

 

Triggers happen...even many years later. But as reconciliation improves...triggers become fewer and less crippling. Remember that triggering happens for both of you. Every time you feel like you want to flee...so does she. If she comes to a place of remorse....every time you hurt...she hurts. Remorse is understanding the pain you have caused and doing something about it. It is placing your needs above her own....she has already been selfish...she made the decision to cheat without asking your opinion.

 

I like to recommend to BS...take back your power. She took it away....now it is your turn.

 

Reconciliation is a very slow process....and it takes the rest of your life. This is a scary thought for those just beginning the process.....but as time goes by....as trust rebuilds.....as the relationship draws closer....and life returns to "normal"....it gets easier. The scars of infidelity forever remain.....you can view the scars as a reminder of all the pain you have suffered...or you can view the scars as a reminder how far you have come. The choice is yours.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

 

 

Mrs John Adams has a heart of gold and always means well. But her situation is not applicable to yours. MJA had a very brief affair and was sincerely remorseful and then worked her azz off to repair the damage and made a firm commitment to long term repair and maintenance.

 

 

And even considering all the right steps and all the hard work that the Adams' have done, they will both talk about the scars and the hard work and issues that pop up years and even decades later........and these were the people that did things right and were successful.

 

 

However none of that is applicable to your STBX. She had an established LTA. She was/is not remorseful. She has never severed contact with the OM and does not want to. She has not committed herself to NC or to transparency. And she has been pretty ambiguous about really wanting to ease your pain or do much heavy lifting in repairing and maintaining your marriage....

 

 

......see simply doesn't want to go through the hassle and expense of a divorce and doesn't want to mess with packing boxes to move. You are simply a convenience to her as long as you don't ask for anything from her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Mrs John Adams has a heart of gold and always means well. But her situation is not applicable to yours. MJA had a very brief affair and was sincerely remorseful and then worked her azz off to repair the damage and made a firm commitment to long term repair and maintenance.

 

 

And even considering all the right steps and all the hard work that the Adams' have done, they will both talk about the scars and the hard work and issues that pop up years and even decades later........and these were the people that did things right and were successful.

 

 

However none of that is applicable to your STBX. She had an established LTA. She was/is not remorseful. She has never severed contact with the OM and does not want to. She has not committed herself to NC or to transparency. And she has been pretty ambiguous about really wanting to ease your pain or do much heavy lifting in repairing and maintaining your marriage....

 

 

......see simply doesn't want to go through the hassle and expense of a divorce and doesn't want to mess with packing boxes to move. You are simply a convenience to her as long as you don't ask for anything from her.

 

Thank you for your kindness....and you are right. I don't know the history of the OP other than his opening post on this thread. I did try to address the kind of issues you have described.....reconciliation is absolutely not applicable for everyone....and if this poor man needs to get out of a situation where there is no movement on behalf of the WW toward reconciliation...the sooner he leaves the better. A betrayed spouse has enough to deal without dealing with a WW who will not sever contact with the AP. I would have kicked her out a long time ago if that is the circumstance. Here's your choice either No contact.....or no living with me. Period.

[oldshirt]

here is an analogy that sums up what is taking place here.

 

 

Every now and then you read a news story where someone's spouse or parent or grandparent and sometimes even a child has died in the home and the family just lets the body lay there for days or weeks, months and sometimes even years before they do anything about it.

 

 

They don't want to accept that that person is dead and they don't want to go through the hassle of reporting it and dealing with the medical examiner and the police and funeral home etc etc and so they go on about their business and try to work around the stench and all the flies etc.

 

 

Some times the stench and the flies get too much and they finally break down and report the death or they pack up and leave the house and leave the corpse just laying there for the next people that move into the house to deal with.

 

 

That is an extreme example but it does happen periodically. What is common is Grandma will die and people will have some disbelief and ask the doctors and nurses dozens of times if she is really dead and they will look for signs of life in hopes that all the signs that indicate death are wrong. It is also pretty standard that family will sit at her bedside for awhile and cry and talk to her and hold her hand will mourn her passing and then in a matter of minutes or hours they will realize she is dead and not coming back and they will make the necessary arraingments to give her a proper and dignified death, funeral and burial.

 

 

Infidelity is often delt with the same way. People may be hesitant to believe that the marriage is dead even though all the signs are there. People want to hold on to hope and they will see signs that they think give hope that the marriage is still alive and that there is still a ray of hope that it can make a recovery.

 

 

But eventually they finally see the truth that what was once alive and vigorous is now dead and lifeless. It's sad. It hurts. Tears are shed people don't feel their happy, energetic self, but eventually reality kicks in and they realize it's over.

 

 

Once that happens then they can mourn, they can cry, they can express their loss and grief and then get to work giving it a proper burial and then going on with the business of moving on with their own life.

 

 

There are some people however that have to smell the stench and see the flies flying around before they realize they are living with something rotten.

 

 

You are starting to see the signs that this marriage is likely dead. Sometimes marriages are in sudden cardiac arrest and can be resuscitated, but in order to resuscitate a marriage from infidelity BOTH people have to give it their all and work hard and tirelessly until the marriage is back up on it's feet again.

 

 

She hasn't done that. All resuscitation efforts will fail and death is assured if one party doesn't give their all.

 

 

Don't be one of the people that keeps a dead corpse bloating and stinking and drawing flies in your house. Call the mortician and give it a proper funeral and burial.

[Mn_bowhunter]

Mrs JA, your posts continue to amaze me. Always chalked full with sincerity. Thanks for the input.

[oldshirt]

Mrs John Adams has a heart of gold and always means well. But her situation is not applicable to yours. MJA had a very brief affair and was sincerely remorseful and then worked her azz off to repair the damage and made a firm commitment to long term repair and maintenance.

 

 

And even considering all the right steps and all the hard work that the Adams' have done, they will both talk about the scars and the hard work and issues that pop up years and even decades later........and these were the people that did things right and were successful.

 

 

However none of that is applicable to your STBX. She had an established LTA. She was/is not remorseful. She has never severed contact with the OM and does not want to. She has not committed herself to NC or to transparency. And she has been pretty ambiguous about really wanting to ease your pain or do much heavy lifting in repairing and maintaining your marriage....

 

 

......see simply doesn't want to go through the hassle and expense of a divorce and doesn't want to mess with packing boxes to move. You are simply a convenience to her as long as you don't ask for anything from her.

 

 

 

I went back and read through MnBowhunter's back story. She was in a LTA where they had professed their love for each other and she was planning on leaving him for OM. She got sloppy with an email and he found out. She then packed up and moved out with the OM paying for her new place. She continued seeing OM while telling Bowhunter she wasn't and she refused to change jobs and insisted remaining "friends" with OM.

 

 

She would tell him she was not involved with OM but every time he made the slightest effort to look into it he would find that she was still in contact with him and each time she would tell him it was "the last time."

[oldshirt]

Thank you for your kindness....and you are right. I don't know the history of the OP other than his opening post on this thread. I did try to address the kind of issues you have described.....reconciliation is absolutely not applicable for everyone....and if this poor man needs to get out of a situation where there is no movement on behalf of the WW toward reconciliation...the sooner he leaves the better. A betrayed spouse has enough to deal without dealing with a WW who will not sever contact with the AP. I would have kicked her out a long time ago if that is the circumstance. Here's your choice either No contact.....or no living with me. Period.

 

 

 

I goofed the quote of my last post. I meant to quote this one.

 

 

I just wanted to point out that MnBowhunter's situation is in no way similar to yours and that there is nothing in his situation that indicates that a reconciliation is feasible.

[jenkins95]

bowhunter, sorry that you are having such a hard time.

 

This spoke volumes to me: -

 

......I certainly do still love her very much......

 

If I were you, I wouldn't run just yet. Not unless you know that it is hopeless. There is some excellent advice on here, particularly from Mrs JA as usual!

 

Your wife needs to know how much she has hurt you, how close she is to losing you and exactly what she needs to do to help you both recover.

 

I was a wayward, and I got it wrong in the first couple of months of reconciliation. I would avoid difficult talks, try to rush them, go quiet, etc - basically because I couldn't bare to face my own shame and just wanted to get past it. But that was selfish and I have learned that we have to face it full on if we are going to get through it. I need to be there and face those talks whenever she/we need to and show her love and reassurance all the time. Since I changed my attitude, things are going much better and I am full of hope. Your wife needs to do the same.

 

I wish you both the very best. J

[jenkins95]

......She had an established LTA. She was/is not remorseful. She has never severed contact with the OM and does not want to. She has not committed herself to NC or to transparency......

 

If this is true, then maybe I was a bit overly optimistic in my previous post. Is this true, bowhunter? Your OP doesn't paint such a bleak picture as this. But perhaps you've posted it elsewhere?

 

I agree that if she isn't even prepared to sever contact with the OM, she is taking you for a mug and there is very little chance. But I hope that you're going to return and say that things aren't as bad as oldshirt suggests?

[Mrs. John Adams]

agreed....I did not know the back story....and if this post made by old shirt is an accurate summation...then this woman is not even SORRY.....

 

I would not continue to live with someone who disrespected me like this. I know that sounds hypocritical coming from a FWW....and I know I made many mistakes in our reconciliation.....but I TRIED to do things right.

 

It does not even sound like this woman is putting forth any effort.....why? Because she does not want to save the marriage.

 

It sounds to me as though she may be trying to continue to use you for her own benefit.

 

Wow....I am sure sorry hon. This just stinks.....

[jenkins95]

agreed....I did not know the back story....and if this post made by old shirt is an accurate summation...then this woman is not even SORRY.....

 

I would not continue to live with someone who disrespected me like this. I know that sounds hypocritical coming from a FWW....and I know I made many mistakes in our reconciliation.....but I TRIED to do things right.

 

It does not even sound like this woman is putting forth any effort.....why? Because she does not want to save the marriage.

 

It sounds to me as though she may be trying to continue to use you for her own benefit.

 

Wow....I am sure sorry hon. This just stinks.....

 

Absolutely - we can all make mistakes, even in reconciliation. But if she is not even trying, that's another thing altogether.

 

We're here for you bowhunter - keep posting.

[JohnAdams]

Mrs John Adams has a heart of gold and always means well. But her situation is not applicable to yours. MJA had a very brief affair and was sincerely remorseful and then worked her azz off to repair the damage and made a firm commitment to long term repair and maintenance.

 

 

And even considering all the right steps and all the hard work that the Adams' have done, they will both talk about the scars and the hard work and issues that pop up years and even decades later........and these were the people that did things right and were successful.

 

 

However none of that is applicable to your STBX. She had an established LTA. She was/is not remorseful. She has never severed contact with the OM and does not want to. She has not committed herself to NC or to transparency. And she has been pretty ambiguous about really wanting to ease your pain or do much heavy lifting in repairing and maintaining your marriage....

 

 

......see simply doesn't want to go through the hassle and expense of a divorce and doesn't want to mess with packing boxes to move. You are simply a convenience to her as long as you don't ask for anything from her.

 

 

 

All of these things bolded would make if very difficult if not impossible to reconcile. Having said that, Mrs. JA and I know of at least one couple that at least on the surface appears reconciled and happy after committing pretty much everything listed. She still blames him for the affair, and he accepts it. It took her a long time I think to completely go NC. But, they are reconciled and appear happy, so who am I to question it.

 

 

The OP stated he still loves his wife, love is a strange thing, it does not always make you act in a logical or rational way. With love there is hope. It appears the OP still has hope.

 

 

We, Mrs. JA and I are deep in the process. We can now look back and reflect on many of the things we did wrong as well as many things we did right. Immediately after the disclosure of her affair, we did not follow the correct protocol or rules for recovery. We did not have the resources to help us. Hopefully the OP can find the right tools to help him.

 

 

It may take quite a bit longer until he finally figures out the right answer, reconcile or divorce. Infidelity is one of the most unfair hands in life you can ever be dealt.

[Popsicle]

I posted many months ago regarding WW affair. Since, this site has been a wonderful resource for me! To keep it succinct, WW cheated and left. I decided I wanted to work through it and stayed. WW has since moved back and we are doing ok, but resentment is starting to build in my end. I had a trigger this past week when WW came home several hours later than expected (her counseling ran long, which is confirmed). I triggered hard and it took me right back into the thick of the affair.

 

Since, we have discussed D several times. The long and short of it is I still struggle to trust and she doesn't like living in a glass house. I have explained that I don't want anything to do with her if we D, which she struggles with. Here is what has been working for me, allowing me to feel pretty good about the whole thing.

 

If/when we D, I am out of here. Like quit my job pack my car and hit the road. I have always been interested in returning to school to get a second degree. I plan to pursue that if this M falls through. I will move 1000 miles away and simply restart my life where no one knows me and I know nobody. I have researched jobs, housing, even adult rec sports in my town of choice. All this has really helped me cope with any negative feelings regarding my M. I am somewhat excited should this plan be put into action.

 

Has anyone done this? Any potential pitfalls? Looking forward to your knowledge and posts.

 

My IC is out of town this week, so I have talked to no one about this plan.

 

YES, do it! It will be great.

[Mrs. John Adams]

All of these things bolded would make if very difficult if not impossible to reconcile. Having said that, Mrs. JA and I know of at least one couple that at least on the surface appears reconciled and happy after committing pretty much everything listed. She still blames him for the affair, and he accepts it. It took her a long time I think to completely go NC. But, they are reconciled and appear happy, so who am I to question it.

 

 

The OP stated he still loves his wife, love is a strange thing, it does not always make you act in a logical or rational way. With love there is hope. It appears the OP still has hope.

 

 

We, Mrs. JA and I are deep in the process. We can now look back and reflect on many of the things we did wrong as well as many things we did right. Immediately after the disclosure of her affair, we did not follow the correct protocol or rules for recovery. We did not have the resources to help us. Hopefully the OP can find the right tools to help him.

 

 

It may take quite a bit longer until he finally figures out the right answer, reconcile or divorce. Infidelity is one of the most unfair hands in life you can ever be dealt.

 

Mr adams... You are quite right. I forgot about our friends.... She had a two year affair... Her husband found out... They had a false reconciliation while she continued to cheat ... Her husband found out again and this time she did go no contact... But she grieved for her affair partner for a long time... Even to the point her husband would hold her in his lap and comfort her tears.

 

They are now a couple of years out... Have renewed their vows.... And appear to be happier than ever.

 

It can and does happen.

[Mn_bowhunter]

Oldshirt's summation is correct. However, we have since moved past the continued lying and to a point of understanding the repercussions of everything. It is weird how it takes only one little thing to put a person right back in that mindset. Perhaps I am a bit touchy because we are entering the time of year when everything came out. Idk. Tough road behind and tough road ahead.

 

The trust is something that has not yet returned, not sure if it ever will.

[drifter777]

When there are no children involved then I will never understand why a couple stays together after infidelity. It makes no sense at all. Love wasn't enough to keep his/her pants on so why would anyone think love is a reason to try reconciliation? Divorcing ASAP gives the BS the best chance to heal and get on with a new life. I think avoiding the horrific drama and pain of trying to reconcile actually minimizes the damage done by the cheating.

 

I think that the kids are usually better off when their parents divorce as well but I understand why a couple would at least give R a good shot to save some semblance of a normal family life. It's the only reason I can think of for volunteering for more emotional hell.

 

OP: many people gave you this kind of advice when you came here the first time. You didn't take it then and I doubt you will take it now. I guess that's ok because you say you get something positive out of the interaction here but I do wonder if you rather enjoy being a victim and then sharing just how much of a martyr you are with all of us.