How I Deal

[Mn_bowhunter]

When there are no children involved then I will never understand why a couple stays together after infidelity. It makes no sense at all. Love wasn't enough to keep his/her pants on so why would anyone think love is a reason to try reconciliation? Divorcing ASAP gives the BS the best chance to heal and get on with a new life. I think avoiding the horrific drama and pain of trying to reconcile actually minimizes the damage done by the cheating.

 

I think that the kids are usually better off when their parents divorce as well but I understand why a couple would at least give R a good shot to save some semblance of a normal family life. It's the only reason I can think of for volunteering for more emotional hell.

 

OP: many people gave you this kind of advice when you came here the first time. You didn't take it then and I doubt you will take it now. I guess that's ok because you say you get something positive out of the interaction here but I do wonder if you rather enjoy being a victim and then sharing just how much of a martyr you are with all of us.

 

Drifter, thanks for your comments. I suppose the reason I stayed was because I hoped to resurrect some semblance of normalcy with the person I married. I certainly don't enjoy playing victim and understand that this was brought about by nobody but myself. Had I simply walked, I wouldn't be here today. On the other hand, out of sheer naivety I did not realize how difficult a process R is. Now that I have some time invested, I realize that perhaps it isn't for me, at least how it is trending now. I guess it's one of those things that you don't figure out until your living it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If we had had no children .. I am almost certain my husband would have divorced me.

 

I am an advocate for reconciliation ... But I am also smart enough to see when it is probably not the answer.

 

In this case... Only you can make the right call for you but you cannot reconcile alone. She absolutely must help and if after all tha time she has not made an attempt to show you she is willing to help... Unfortunately there is nothing else you can do.

 

In the end... You take the life lessons learned ... You apply them and become A better person and move past this tragedy .

[understand50]

Drifter, thanks for your comments. I suppose the reason I stayed was because I hoped to resurrect some semblance of normalcy with the person I married. I certainly don't enjoy playing victim and understand that this was brought about by nobody but myself. Had I simply walked, I wouldn't be here today. On the other hand, out of sheer naivety I did not realize how difficult a process R is. Now that I have some time invested, I realize that perhaps it isn't for me, at least how it is trending now. I guess it's one of those things that you don't figure out until your living it.

 

Mn_Bowhunter,

 

Let me echo what others are saying. I the reason I listed the top post, is to give you an idea of what is required by her to make the possibility of reconciliation work. If she cannot, will not, do what is needed, then your only option is to divorce. The fact that this upsets her, divorcing and then not being friends, shows she just wants it both ways. I am also for reconciliation where possible, but I always write, that I think reconciliation is harder then divorcing. Just looking at the one you love, can remind you of the pain and betrayal. If she is not really showing remorse, and working to lessen the pain, all the worse. You know your situation better then us, so really ask yourself if she is trying and if she is, can you accept her, and try and relearn to trust her again. I try and show that both will have much hard work to do to make it work. Hell, marriage in general with out cheating is and can be hard.

 

This may not be for you. If it was me, I would take some time and try and figure out what I really want, and then act on it.

 

I wish you luck.......

[Liam1]

Oldshirt's summation is correct. However, we have since moved past the continued lying and to a point of understanding the repercussions of everything. It is weird how it takes only one little thing to put a person right back in that mindset. Perhaps I am a bit touchy because we are entering the time of year when everything came out. Idk. Tough road behind and tough road ahead.

 

The trust is something that has not yet returned, not sure if it ever will.

 

Bowhunter:

 

I am sad to hear your backstory. Your road to reconciliation has been made even more difficult buy your wife's ongoing actions.

 

However, if the lying and contact has stopped, there may be hope, IF YOU want to save the marriage. If you don't. That is okay.

 

Let me just explain where you are, IMO, as someone who has talked to my BS about her feelings.

 

Yes, you are being triggered by the time of year. We are more than 3 years out and that triggering is only starting to subside.

 

It will likely never go away but it will affect you less strongly.

 

Also, now that she is starting to work on things, YOU are now feeling resentful.

 

This is normal. You are likely wondering why she did not work on things first instead of having an affair.

 

My wife said that this feeling of resentment will pass, if your wife keeps working diligently to save the marriage. It did pass for my wife eventually.

 

I really was blown away about JA's story of the man who held his wife as she cried and mourned the loss of her AP. He must have known about the psychology of affairs.

 

But, the thing about SOME affairs is that they are like an addiction to cocaine. For some, it can take time to detox from their affair high.

 

There are a lot of people who can not distinguish lust from love. Affairs do not exist in the real world and it's always a good time when the two meet. No bills, kids, chores, yadda yadda. It's easy to think it's love. Why not? But later the cheater wakes up and is slapping their forehead thinking what the heck?

 

Usually when they do, they realize how tenuous their connection to the AP in the real world was.

 

Anyway, I think what you are doing by working on yourself and planning an escape if needed is a good thing, as long as you pay attention to your wife's growth.

 

If she grows and continues to grow, the trust will someday be 95 percent, but never 100 percent. Then, too, should we ever trust someone 100 percent?

 

If she grows and you two still love each other, what's wrong with reconciliation.

 

If the love is gone, then give yourself permission to move on.

 

But don't do it out of spite or resentment or because you feel humiliated by her affair. Do it because you don't love her anymore.

 

An affair can do that sometimes. It can destroy the love. But you say you still love her.

Edited March 2, 2016 by Liam1

[bigman1]

I have read your responses and I have some thoughts.

 

First, the fact that you love her is NOT enough. I mean that love is crucial to a marriage, but it does not mean that one must be married. Mutual love, mutual trust, mutual commitment, mutual goals, etc. They key being "mutual". This has not been mutual. She left you, so clearly your love is not enough. Don't let that feeling control the situation.

 

Secondly, R is hard work as is D. You are not obligated to try or stick it in there for the sake of R. Choosing to D is not weak. Choosing to R is not the epitome of strength. They are just opposite sides of the coin. Which one is best to TRY depends on the individuals and facts.

 

At this point in your life, if you are trying to R with a woman who left you, left your marriage, betrayed you, broke her vows and lived accordingly and with commitment to those things, you are most likely in for a hard and unrewarding life. That is my opinion based on your posts. It is not law, just an opinion on your situation as gleaned from under 20 posts by you.

 

Maybe she can change, but at this point, I really don't see why you would try to work this out. I'm not a fan of running away from all of your family and friends, but that sounds like the plan your soul wants because it knows what you need.

 

When I say the plan your soul wants I mean that is what your subconscious mind, the part free from emotion, fear, and confusion has spoken. Its like when you get that jittery feeling when you are in an unsafe setting. That is your soul talking. It is saying....we need to survive so we need to get out of here. Your soul has spoken. Listen to it. If it said to stay, then stay and try. Unfortunately, it has not. Who knows, maybe you need to go, get yourself clear, and then maybe re-start with her or maybe end it forever.

 

Do what you need to do, Don't listen to anyone, listen to your soul.

[dichotomy]

She does not like living in a glass house - poor thing. Such a burden for her when she did not do anything to deserve.....oh wait she did.

 

My wife complained too... I just ignored it.

 

 

Running off - nice to have the option if you don't have kids, home, job, local family and friends, or money to worry about. Most divorced guys are left with half their worth, and kids to maintain a relationship and support with.

 

If you are free enough its a good option to have

[Mn_bowhunter]

Our money is already separate, something that happened long ago. No house payments, kids, or local family. Really the only thing tying me here is my job. I don't really think of it as running, more like chasing a dream at a time when I need something.

 

To everyone who has replied, thank you! You have no idea how much it helps to read your responses. I will continue reading/responding. I will also be sure to update after IC.

[Mr. Lucky]

On the other hand, out of sheer naivety I did not realize how difficult a process R is. Now that I have some time invested, I realize that perhaps it isn't for me, at least how it is trending now.

 

Important to realize that, at this point, you owe her nothing. The commitments that existed through marriage have been negated by her cheating and post-affair conduct.

 

Since the status quo doesn't seem to be making her happy, you should focus on your own well-being. I'd guess that, should her OM want her back, she'd be gone. Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

Our money is already separate, something that happened long ago. No house payments, kids, or local family. Really the only thing tying me here is my job. I don't really think of it as running, more like chasing a dream at a time when I need something.

 

To everyone who has replied, thank you! You have no idea how much it helps to read your responses. I will continue reading/responding. I will also be sure to update after IC.

 

 

You may love her deeply, you may always love he deeply. You can't control that.

Does that mean you should stay together? Only you can answer that.

 

I think pretty near everyone has daydreams of starting over with a clean slate at some time or another in their lives, but they are just that, daydreams. They are not serious thoughts. They don't research making those changes and put serious effort into investigating whether or not they are feasible.

 

You have. what does that tell you? Would you be happier on your own or with your wife? While no one can see into the future with 100% clarity, what do the current signs in your life and your ww's behavior and words indicate for yours?

 

In my own situation, I also looked into the ins and outs of walking away. I needed to know I could before I could really commit to staying. My ws was thousands of km away at the time, and we didn't get to talk much for months, so I had the time and space I needed to figure it all out.

 

It may be that you need the same thing, even if just for a little while. Can you get away for a few weeks on your own, with no communication with her during that time?

[aliveagain]

No children, nothing really tying you to her financially, she left you for O/M, still works with him even after she came back to you, they are still in contact, she doesn't show you the kind of remorse you need to heal so how do you get over the imbalance she created by becoming his live in girlfriend? Wives don't get to bang guys they work with long term without a consequence, they don't get to move in with them and when things don't work out expect to come back to you like nothing happened. All this says to me is the POS she thought was Mr. Right wasn't but if the real Mr. Right does show up she is gone again.

 

There is no real work being done on her part, that's all you need to know to make your final decision. You will never get over it, all you will do is learn to live with it better and the chances you will feel safe in this relationship under these circumstances is slim to none. The sooner you deal with the inevitable the sooner you will heal and the sooner you will return to happiness. Unless she does a 100% about face I just don't see what there is to save other then familiarity. Your best predictor of your future together is to look at your history.

[EverySunset]

Our money is already separate, something that happened long ago. No house payments, kids, or local family. Really the only thing tying me here is my job. I don't really think of it as running, more like chasing a dream at a time when I need something.

 

To everyone who has replied, thank you! You have no idea how much it helps to read your responses. I will continue reading/responding. I will also be sure to update after IC.

 

Your wife robbed you of the dream you used to have of a marriage with love, trust, fidelity and respect. I for one, hope you can follow your new and truly beautiful dream of pursuing an education that you want, a life that you get to build, and the reality that mirrors your dreams.

 

I am hoping that you find you in your exciting new plan for the future! Good luck, I'm pulling for you!!

[dichotomy]

Our money is already separate, something that happened long ago. No house payments, kids, or local family. Really the only thing tying me here is my job. I don't really think of it as running, more like chasing a dream at a time when I need something.

 

To everyone who has replied, thank you! You have no idea how much it helps to read your responses. I will continue reading/responding. I will also be sure to update after IC.

 

 

Its sounds to me like you have an exceedingly rare freedom to pursue a new and better life.

 

Go for it.

[heartwhole]

I think it makes sense that the idea that you might not want this marriage any more is sinking in now that you're confident that the ball is in your court. When she had one foot out the door, you may simply have chased her on instinct, not wanting to be rejected. Now things are settling and you're realizing, hey, maybe this isn't what I want after all.

 

I went through something of the same thing. We had a real honeymoon period right after DD, but about three months in, I think the shock wore off and I was like, "Wait a minute. Is this what I really want?" I didn't have to worry about him leaving me for her anymore and I could think clearly.

 

It can't hurt to detach and consider your options a bit. You have every right to change your mind.

[Mn_bowhunter]

I think it makes sense that the idea that you might not want this marriage any more is sinking in now that you're confident that the ball is in your court. When she had one foot out the door, you may simply have chased her on instinct, not wanting to be rejected. Now things are settling and you're realizing, hey, maybe this isn't what I want after all.

 

I went through something of the same thing. We had a real honeymoon period right after DD, but about three months in, I think the shock wore off and I was like, "Wait a minute. Is this what I really want?" I didn't have to worry about him leaving me for her anymore and I could think clearly.

 

It can't hurt to detach and consider your options a bit. You have every right to change your mind.

 

This makes perfect sense. I talked to my counselor about this a few weeks ago too and she put it in a similar light. She said now that I have her (WW) back, I'm like "wait, this isn't quite what I wanted..."

[notbroken]

It's blunt but still a fact - your wife is a cheater. That part can never change. It will haunt you for the rest of your relationship. If you spend 20 years with her and then she runs off with the mailman how will you feel then? Even without that, you will eventually have 'rough spots' in your relationship no matter what. Is your relationship strong enough to survive them? That sacrifice and possibility makes sense if you are 'doing it for the kids' (maybe), but since no kids are involved and you are fantasizing about the other part of the country it seems the best path may be to follow your dreams - without her.

 

She still won't 'work for you'. You seem to be the only one fighting for a rapidly sinking ship. Give her what she wanted.

[road]

This makes perfect sense. I talked to my counselor about this a few weeks ago too and she put it in a similar light. She said now that I have her (WW) back, I'm like "wait, this isn't quite what I wanted..."

 

 

Yes, who wants their WW still working with the OM.

[ladydesigner]

She does not like living in a glass house - poor thing. Such a burden for her when she did not do anything to deserve.....oh wait she did.

 

My wife complained too... I just ignored it.

 

Same. I just had no more f**ks left to give.

[merrmeade]

She has never severed contact with the OM and does not want to.

Really? Even now?

She has not committed herself to NC or to transparency.

Not even this?

 

These are steps 1 and 2 of the however many things that every wayward spouse needs to DO.

[merrmeade]

If that happened to me, I think I would take a route similar to what you are considering. I'm quite resourcesful and can easily make it on my own. Going back to school would be rewarding and a heck of a lot of fun as well. I already have a graduate degree but would love a Ph.D. A change of scenary would be good for you. I also imagine I would do some travelling, cruises, etc.

 

Infidelity is a hard thing to overcome. There is no shame in your having it be a deal breaker for you.

Didn't realize others did this! I like TX-SC's fantasy a lot.

 

SEVERAL times I have had the strongest impulse to pick up and leave—just call a taxi, go to the airport and take the next plane to wherever it's going, a place where no one would find me. I think this impulse wells up because some insensitivity or trigger has shoved us beyond the pale, and we just can't take it any more. We just want to walk away from the present situation, the status quo, this whole demeaning, disappointing and cruel turn that life has taken.

 

For me, I never get that far because the next thought is that even more unbearable would be not seeing and touching my children or grandchildren whenever I want.

[Try]

The long and short of it is I still struggle to trust and she doesn't like living in a glass house.

Less than a year ago, in July you posted that "Since she moved out she continues to tell me that she has had no contact with him and is working very hardto push him away. Problem is, I have further email and phone records, along with other people telling me that she is still seeing him. I have asked her about this stuff many times, by each time she lies about it. She does not know that I am monitoring her email and phone records." Later in August you posted that she was still seeing him and lying about it.

 

Your wife cheated on you. Moved out. Lied and continued to see the other man behind your back. And now, after only a few months of her moving back, she has the nerve to tell you that you need to trust her because "she doesn't like living in a glass house"; completely ignoring the fact that she was the one that made the decision to build it out of glass. Talk about wanting to rug sweep with no remorse. Talk about her not being willing to do the heavy lifting. Sorry but no remorse and rug sweeping, means that you are in false reconciliation. I think that you know this which is why you feel good when you think about starting over with her completely our of your life.

[Mn_bowhunter]

I think that you know this which is why you feel good when you think about starting over with her completely our of your life.

 

Sad, but 100% accurate. I've heard it all, from why don't you trust me to I can't help you. Good times. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[aliveagain]

Sad, but 100% accurate. I've heard it all, from why don't you trust me to I can't help you. Good times. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

 

So why is she doing it to you? Stop settling, stop being her back up plan, she doesn't deserve someone as good as you in her life, she deserves someone that will cheat and disrespect her like the other man.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I have read your responses and I have some thoughts.

 

First, the fact that you love her is NOT enough. I mean that love is crucial to a marriage, but it does not mean that one must be married. Mutual love, mutual trust, mutual commitment, mutual goals, etc. They key being "mutual". This has not been mutual. She left you, so clearly your love is not enough. Don't let that feeling control the situation.

 

Secondly, R is hard work as is D. You are not obligated to try or stick it in there for the sake of R. Choosing to D is not weak. Choosing to R is not the epitome of strength. They are just opposite sides of the coin. Which one is best to TRY depends on the individuals and facts.

 

At this point in your life, if you are trying to R with a woman who left you, left your marriage, betrayed you, broke her vows and lived accordingly and with commitment to those things, you are most likely in for a hard and unrewarding life. That is my opinion based on your posts. It is not law, just an opinion on your situation as gleaned from under 20 posts by you.

 

Maybe she can change, but at this point, I really don't see why you would try to work this out. I'm not a fan of running away from all of your family and friends, but that sounds like the plan your soul wants because it knows what you need.

 

When I say the plan your soul wants I mean that is what your subconscious mind, the part free from emotion, fear, and confusion has spoken. Its like when you get that jittery feeling when you are in an unsafe setting. That is your soul talking. It is saying....we need to survive so we need to get out of here. Your soul has spoken. Listen to it. If it said to stay, then stay and try. Unfortunately, it has not. Who knows, maybe you need to go, get yourself clear, and then maybe re-start with her or maybe end it forever.

 

Do what you need to do, Don't listen to anyone, listen to your soul.

 

This speaks volumes OP....

 

Love is sometimes simply not enough......

[Marc878]

You are letting your weakness define you.

 

She is who she is.

 

You can't ever fix someone else that's up to them.

 

What you can do is make your life what you want it to be. If she's still around OM the affair is still ongoing and you are to weak to move on.

 

No one is going to fix this except you. Expect more of the same. Nothing's changed.

 

Young, no kids. Why would you stay in this???? If a friend were going through this what would you advise?????

[TrustedthenBusted]

 

If/when we D, I am out of here. Like quit my job pack my car and hit the road. I have always been interested in returning to school to get a second degree. I plan to pursue that if this M falls through. I will move 1000 miles away and simply restart my life where no one knows me and I know nobody. .

 

This part of your post reminded me of that movie Office Space where the one engineer's name was Michael Bolton, and people kept asking him why he didn't change his name if he was so sick of it being compared to the famous singer? Have you seen that?

 

Well his response was " Why should I change MY name? HE'S the one who sucks!" lol.

 

Anyway, that's how I feel about these runaway plans to go start a new life. You don't need a new life, and you certainly don't need to leave your home.

 

My gut reaction was to take the kids and bolt, too. Or just get a change of scenery. Go somewhere that offered no triggers, and had no bad memories.

 

But the thing is...you go somewhere like that, and maybe the entire new place becomes a bad trigger, because THAT'S why you're there in the first place.

 

Nah...live well, right where you are, and want to be. That's the best revenge anyway.