Keeping a secret...

[Dolfin80]

There are a lot of things he doesn't discuss with me that I feel is important but never does. Like money, I don't know how much his pay checks are because we have separate accounts and separate bills. I ask him but he gets angry and say what you don't trust me! I have learn somethings are just not meant to be told or talked about. If I keep something as a friends problem which has NOTHING to do with my marriage, than what's the big deal when it has no effect on my relationship.

 

Wow ......just wow....he's controlling

Edited March 4, 2016 by Dolfin80

[DreamP]

I sense that there is more going on between you and your husband during your marriage than you've said here. The fact that you don't know what he makes financially and keep separate bank accounts and he gets angry if you ask about it says a lot in itself. Getting the idea that he's controlling and things have to go his way. Also guessing that anything he doesn't know about you or things you do makes him feel like you're doing something behind his back or cheating on him. I could be wrong but only you know that.

 

As far as your friends dau. Stand up to your husband about it this if he bring sit up again. Ask him "what is knowing the details of this horrific event in this young girls life going to do for you? Why is that going to make you feel better? The fact that you are making this about our marriage or about you at all is exactly why I shouldn't tell you anything more". The entire focus should be on Jean and the concern placed on her. He should know that. This has nothing to do with you or him or your relationship. The girl confided in you about likely the worst experience of her life and you would be breaking that trust by telling your husband or anyone about it without her consent or knowledge.

 

I don't know how much you told your husband but I'd be willing to bet that at some point in the future when you are around jeans family, parents or friends that know her , your husband quietly asks or brings it up in order to find out more or discuss it. People who want to know more details about secrets that have nothing to do with them, are always the people who discuss other people's affairs to others. That's why Jean didn't tell anyone but you. She trusts that you put it in the vault. You should've told your husband "I have no idea what she's talking about" when he prodded you about her Facebook post.

 

You can't unring that bell, but you can prevent him from trying to ring it again and again by asking u for more by maturely calling him

Out and making him Embarrassed for turning this into something about him/you

 

My thoughts exactly.

[Poutrew]

 

With my own husband though, I might've said something to the effect of Jean just went through a horrible situation and confided in me but out of respect for her privacy I won't disclose any more, and that would be enough (and that's not gossiping).

 

 

This is a good response. The problem I am having with this thread - and keeping secrets in general - is the concept of unintended consequences. In this case it is that only one partner makes the decision. What if it is the wrong one? It takes power away from the partner that is kept in the dark. In essence, it devalues the husband. It's like saying "Don't worry honey bun, I know what is good for the both of us. I wont keep anything from you that in my estimation you need to know. So just go back to slurping beer and watching the ball game...."

 

If the position were reversed and wifey found out hubby was keeping secrets about something , unless it was about some boring guy problem concerning someone she doesn't even know, there would be trouble. This happened to some relatives of mine a few years back - there was a divorce and hubs knew all about it while wifey didn't and when she found out it was hubs who was providing advice instead of her to the divorcing couple, she practically blamed the divorce on her husband's bad advice. Caused a bit of a rift in their own marriage...

 

Personally, I'd appreciate knowing about it if only so I don't inadvertently cause a sh it storm by asking questions...

[GorillaTheater]

Generally speaking, my wife and I don't keep secrets from each other, but in my case there are job-related things I *can't* share with her. Although I'll share a funny story sometimes, I take attorney-client privilege pretty seriously. Some of the stuff I deal with would be "interesting" to our community, particularly the local media, and I can't take chances that my wife, God bless her, might have a moment of indiscretion.

 

 

By the same token, I know people confide things to my wife that are truly and honestly none of my business. The rape of a friend's daughter, who spoke to my wife in confidence, would be included.

 

 

The husband here is way, way out of line.

[elaine567]

Well OP, I'd be hurt if you were my wife. I don't really understand how the women who answer your post think you did the right thing... Oh well. I guess if you were my wife I would just say this: "I didn't realize that it's OK to keep secrets from each other, honey. Now that I do, I wont feel so guilty if I ever have a situation which requires me to keep something from you. Thanks."

 

And when you do eventually find out, and know how mixed up in the thing I was, you are not going to be hurt, or disappointed that I could keep something so important from you, right? Right?

 

I can see where you are coming from.

It is "the two of us against the world", only your wife chose to keep a big secret from you and so you would feel hurt, disappointed and think you were being sidelined. Not deemed trustworthy enough too.

[DreamP]

This is a good response. The problem I am having with this thread - and keeping secrets in general - is the concept of unintended consequences. In this case it is that only one partner makes the decision. What if it is the wrong one? It takes power away from the partner that is kept in the dark. In essence, it devalues the husband. It's like saying "Don't worry honey bun, I know what is good for the both of us. I wont keep anything from you that in my estimation you need to know. So just go back to slurping beer and watching the ball game...."

 

But this implies that the wife is not capable of making a rational, adult decision by herself. She needs to consult her husband on everything. We are adults. We make decisions each day. We don't talk to our spouse about our bowl movements, the conversation I had with my 8 year old about what she did at school today, etc. In a marriage of equals, we trust each other. If you can't trust your spouse to make a rational adult decision, then you either have trust issues or your spouse is not worthy of the trust.

[Lady2163]

This is a good response. The problem I am having with this thread - and keeping secrets in general - is the concept of unintended consequences. In this case it is that only one partner makes the decision. What if it is the wrong one? It takes power away from the partner that is kept in the dark. In essence, it devalues the husband. It's like saying "Don't worry honey bun, I know what is good for the both of us. I wont keep anything from you that in my estimation you need to know. So just go back to slurping beer and watching the ball game...."

 

If the position were reversed and wifey found out hubby was keeping secrets about something , unless it was about some boring guy problem concerning someone she doesn't even know, there would be trouble. This happened to some relatives of mine a few years back - there was a divorce and hubs knew all about it while wifey didn't and when she found out it was hubs who was providing advice instead of her to the divorcing couple, she practically blamed the divorce on her husband's bad advice. Caused a bit of a rift in their own marriage...

 

Personally, I'd appreciate knowing about it if only so I don't inadvertently cause a sh it storm by asking questions...

 

And I think you're grasping at straws. It just isn't your business to know everything about your wife's friends' personal life. And it isn't her business to know every detail about your friends. You know a guy named Bob who complains about his marriage and his wife ALL the time. A few months down the road Bob files for divorce. Your wife is friends with Bob's wife. The divorce is contentious. You know things Bob's wife would love to know. Do you give up the information if your wife asks?

 

The OP It isn't a secret that greatly impacts the marriage. You have to trust your sposue's judgment to know what should be told.

 

Women who spill everything to their husbands or are forced to, end up very alone.

 

Oh - and I've also been in those type of situations where information is classified or client privilege. Too bad if it is good gossip or something my husband would love to know.

[SaveYourHeart]

Your husband is acting like a selfish jerk. The point here was to be a confidant for a young girl in need of a shoulder to cry on. He blew this out of proportion and owes you an apology. Clearly he doesn't trust you.

[Poutrew]

And I think you're grasping at straws. It just isn't your business to know everything about your wife's friends' personal life. And it isn't her business to know every detail about your friends. You know a guy named Bob who complains about his marriage and his wife ALL the time. A few months down the road Bob files for divorce. Your wife is friends with Bob's wife. The divorce is contentious. You know things Bob's wife would love to know. Do you give up the information if your wife asks?

 

This is actually a really good example of exactly what I am talking about, though I'm sure you didn't intend it to be.. It implies Bob's wife is talking secretly to my wife behind my back. My wife is on Bob's wife's side and acts against me, her husband, in order to give Bob a really good screwing over in the divorce, which will benefit her friend at the cost of my friendship with Bob. If my wife was this devious, I'd be asking Bob if his attorney gives discounts for a double divorce. See what I mean about unintended consequences? Keeping secrets, even seemingly small ones, can have far ranging consequences...

[Dawnmrlg24]

Got this definition from the Webster dictionary:

 

Simple Definition of gossip

: information about the behavior and personal lives of other people

: a person who often talks about the private details of other people's lives

[whichwayisup]

There are a lot of things he doesn't discuss with me that I feel is important but never does. Like money, I don't know how much his pay checks are because we have separate accounts and separate bills. I ask him but he gets angry and say what you don't trust me! I have learn somethings are just not meant to be told or talked about. If I keep something as a friends problem which has NOTHING to do with my marriage, than what's the big deal when it has no effect on my relationship.

 

See this above IS a reason to be angry and concerning! Fact that he won't share his pay cheques and amount with you, gets angry when you ask is questionable reaction/behavior on his behalf.

 

Keeping a close friends secret is not a reason for him to lose it and throw a hissy fit like a child! WTF, he needs to get a grip.

[RRM321]

Well OP, I'd be hurt if you were my wife. I don't really understand how the women who answer your post think you did the right thing... Oh well. I guess if you were my wife I would just say this: "I didn't realize that it's OK to keep secrets from each other, honey. Now that I do, I wont feel so guilty if I ever have a situation which requires me to keep something from you. Thanks."

 

And when you do eventually find out, and know how mixed up in the thing I was, you are not going to be hurt, or disappointed that I could keep something so important from you, right? Right?

 

No, not at all because grown-ups are people who can be trusted to keep another person's confidence.

 

Let me make this more clear - this is NOT a secret, it's just first hand knowledge about someone else that is none of your business. People with integrity do not expect their spouse to be their informant, snitch, or spy.

[RRM321]

This is actually a really good example of exactly what I am talking about, though I'm sure you didn't intend it to be.. It implies Bob's wife is talking secretly to my wife behind my back. My wife is on Bob's wife's side and acts against me, her husband, in order to give Bob a really good screwing over in the divorce, which will benefit her friend at the cost of my friendship with Bob. If my wife was this devious, I'd be asking Bob if his attorney gives discounts for a double divorce. See what I mean about unintended consequences? Keeping secrets, even seemingly small ones, can have far ranging consequences...

 

You're describing someone who thinks they should be the arbiter of everyone else's thoughts or actions - weak and insecure. The "implications" are not real, just manifestations of that insecurity.

[BettyDraper]

I don't trust or understand those who tell their spouses everything.

 

A former friend friend told her boyfriend about some of the abuse that I suffered and he threw it in my face when we had a disagreement. I cut them off because there was no need for my "friend" to tell her boyfriend about my private past.

 

OP, you had every right to keep the rape a secret. I'm more concerned about your husband's reaction as it was excessive and ridiculous. I believe that spouses should share anything that pertains to their marriage or their family but not every little detail about those on the periphery.

[Dolfin80]

This is actually a really good example of exactly what I am talking about, though I'm sure you didn't intend it to be.. It implies Bob's wife is talking secretly to my wife behind my back. My wife is on Bob's wife's side and acts against me, her husband, in order to give Bob a really good screwing over in the divorce, which will benefit her friend at the cost of my friendship with Bob. If my wife was this devious, I'd be asking Bob if his attorney gives discounts for a double divorce. See what I mean about unintended consequences? Keeping secrets, even seemingly small ones, can have far ranging consequences...

 

So if your daughter was rapped you would want a man who doesn't even know her to know she was rapped?

[sandylee1]

I'm on your side.

If he's taking his ring off over this... there must be something else going on with him..

 

That said my friend told me her husband was very upset that she never told him another friend had a marriage of convenience years earlier. He kept saying.. I cant believe you never told me. Then he'd say. .. but I bet you told [me]. You tell her everything.

 

Rape is a very personal thing. You were right IMO.

[elaine567]

If he's taking his ring off over this... there must be something else going on with him..

 

I agree, unless he takes his ring off every time they have a big argument, the removal of the ring is significant.

The "secret" may be the least of the OPs worries.

 

Has he calmed down yet?

[Poutrew]

Wow, it sure is interesting seeing the different takes on this. My attitude on secrets in general stems from my philosophy of what constitutes a good marriage. I personally, would never tell something to one spouse that I would want them to keep from the other spouse. It's just as simple as that in my book. I would either trust them both as a unit, or I wouldn't trust them at all.

 

My take on why the husband reacted the way he did is because this is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably runs the show at home. His only domain is work and finances. He probably feels like a slave and is doing what any slave would do: rebel. I have seen marriages like this. Makes me glad I never married.

[sandylee1]

Flipping the scenario round... if someone told my H they had been sexually assaulted and he didn't tell me. ... I wouldn't have a problem with it.... I wouldn't assume he was keeping anything else from me. I'd be pleased the person had someone they could confide in.

[Poutrew]

Flipping the scenario round... if someone told my H they had been sexually assaulted and he didn't tell me. ... I wouldn't have a problem with it.... I wouldn't assume he was keeping anything else from me. I'd be pleased the person had someone they could confide in.

 

This is a risky approach for a married man to take. I mean, this is Love shack, after all. The pattern a husband would have to take to keep his conversations secret from his wife match almost exactly the type of pattern a man involved in an affair would have. Texting the same number many, many, times. Locking down the phone so wife doesn't stumble across the texts. Perhaps clandestine meetings with the same female (I am assuming female here) in various places in the city and not telling wife about it, or perhaps even lying to the wife about his whereabouts. Eventually the wife will figure things out and come to the conclusion he is having an affair. At that point with his own marriage on the line, he has to tell her everything. Cat is out of the bag. Much simpler to tell Wife that his female friend has had a traumatic event happen to her and is coming to him for advice. Is it OK with you if I deal with this on my own or do I need to tell her to find help elsewhere? When you are in a marriage, you can no longer afford to deal with things as a lone wolf... thems the breaks.

[Lady2163]

This is a risky approach for a married man to take. I mean, this is Love shack, after all. The pattern a husband would have to take to keep his conversations secret from his wife match almost exactly the type of pattern a man involved in an affair would have. Texting the same number many, many, times. Locking down the phone so wife doesn't stumble across the texts. Perhaps clandestine meetings with the same female (I am assuming female here) in various places in the city and not telling wife about it, or perhaps even lying to the wife about his whereabouts. Eventually the wife will figure things out and come to the conclusion he is having an affair. At that point with his own marriage on the line, he has to tell her everything. Cat is out of the bag. Much simpler to tell Wife that his female friend has had a traumatic event happen to her and is coming to him for advice. Is it OK with you if I deal with this on my own or do I need to tell her to find help elsewhere? When you are in a marriage, you can no longer afford to deal with things as a lone wolf... thems the breaks.

 

And if it were a male who had been raped?

 

You're still grasping at straws. A husband doesn't need to know EVERYTHING about a wife's friend or those friends' children.

 

In the scenario I described, I never said the wife would run back to Bob's soon to be ex. There's always the possibility, which is WHY spouses don't share everything they know.

 

I've been in the military. I've worked in residential facilities before. I've had clients in a counseling environment, I didn't reveal what I wasn't supposed to reveal. That's called confidentiality. You aren't supposed to reveal a private admission from a friend to anyone.

 

If a marriage is like that, I'd predict the wife would eventually get pretty lonely not having anyone other than her husband to talk to.

[RRM321]

Wow, it sure is interesting seeing the different takes on this. My attitude on secrets in general stems from my philosophy of what constitutes a good marriage. I personally, would never tell something to one spouse that I would want them to keep from the other spouse. It's just as simple as that in my book. I would either trust them both as a unit, or I wouldn't trust them at all.

 

My take on why the husband reacted the way he did is because this is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably runs the show at home. His only domain is work and finances. He probably feels like a slave and is doing what any slave would do: rebel. I have seen marriages like this. Makes me glad I never married.

 

First, you're not describing a healthy relationship. That whole "we are one" scenario is enmeshment, not marriage.

 

Second, all you've seen is an ice cube - not an iceberg. The only thing below the water line is your own personal experience.

[Poutrew]

See reply in bold:

 

And if it were a male who had been raped?

Actually, from the confused wife's perspective, it wouldn't make any difference at all.

You're still grasping at straws. A husband doesn't need to know EVERYTHING about a wife's friend or those friends' children.

Agreed. But, a spouse needs to know just enough to know they don't need to know any more....

 

In the scenario I described, I never said the wife would run back to Bob's soon to be ex. There's always the possibility, which is WHY spouses don't share everything they know.

I've been in the military. I've worked in residential facilities before. I've had clients in a counseling environment, I didn't reveal what I wasn't supposed to reveal. That's called confidentiality. You aren't supposed to reveal a private admission from a friend to anyone.

If a marriage is like that, I'd predict the wife would eventually get pretty lonely not having anyone other than her husband to talk to.

 

In a job, I have no problem maintaining confidentiality. Especially when having loose lips can get you arrested or fired. In a marriage...let's just agree to disagree on that one.

 

[Horton]

Also, I have known Jean since she was 7 and now is going to be 21, which is much longer than I have known my husband. Jean is also like a daughter to me and I do have 2 daughters which she has watched grow up and babysat for.

 

Irrelevant, you're spouse should be the most important person in the world to you, more so than your friends, parents, siblings and even your children. It sounds like you don't have that kind of relationship with him, maybe it's your fault, maybe it's his or maybe it's both of yours, either way I don't envy your marital relationship as it's not the close unbreakable "one flesh" bond that marriage was intended to be.

 

In a marriage of equals, we trust each other. If you can't trust your spouse to make a rational adult decision, then you either have trust issues or your spouse is not worthy of the trust.

 

How can you be talking about trusting one's spouse when you don't even trust your own husband to not blab to the world things you tell him in confidence? As far as your friend's daughter goes, when you tell a secret(any secret no matter what it is) to a married person it's pretty much expected that their spouse is gonna hear about it at some point, otherwise they're being placed in a position to keep secrets from their husband/wife which is something that will understandably cause strife once that fact inevitably gets revealed.

 

I don't know your husband, maybe he's a big baby the way others are accusing him of or maybe he's a hypocrite and he wouldn't have told you if he were in your shoes as you appear to be implying, but the fact remains that he's justified in looking at you with a raised eyebrow for the foreseeable future since he now knows for certain that you can and will hide things from him. It's like if somebody stole a dollar from you, you wouldn't be outraged that you no longer have that measly dollar anymore, but you'd absolutely be hurt that they stole from you and you sure wouldn't trust them around your pocket book anytime in the near future, well his wife keeps secrets from him(regardless of what the secrets are) it's the principle of the matter.

[Lois_Griffin]

Wow, it sure is interesting seeing the different takes on this. My attitude on secrets in general stems from my philosophy of what constitutes a good marriage. I personally, would never tell something to one spouse that I would want them to keep from the other spouse. It's just as simple as that in my book. I would either trust them both as a unit, or I wouldn't trust them at all.

 

My take on why the husband reacted the way he did is because this is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably runs the show at home. His only domain is work and finances. He probably feels like a slave and is doing what any slave would do: rebel. I have seen marriages like this. Makes me glad I never married.

[]

 

Yes, what an egregious SIN the OP committed by honoring and respecting a young rape victim's request for privacy. Why, the nerve of her not running right to her emotionally stunted bully of a husband and spilling her guts to him.

Edited March 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude ~6