Keeping a secret...

[Lois_Griffin]

I don't know your husband, maybe he's a big baby the way others are accusing him of or maybe he's a hypocrite and he wouldn't have told you if he were in your shoes as you appear to be implying, but the fact remains that he's justified in looking at you with a raised eyebrow for the foreseeable future since he now knows for certain that you can and will hide things from him.

You mean just like he hides the amount of his weekly paycheck from the OP?

 

That reeks of control freak and so does this whole situation.

[SammySammy]

The husband is overreacting and needs to get over it.

 

Among my family and friends, I've long been known as a person who can keep a secret. In person I don't spread gossip, don't kiss and tell and I.m very discreet. Because of that people have often come to me with things they need to talk about confidently.

 

I'm a man and two women have told me about their rapes. Like the OP's friend, they just needed somebody to talk to. I promised the first that I'd take what she told me to the grave. That was nearly thirty years ago and I haven't told a soul. I promised the second one the same thing. That was approximately twenty years ago. Haven't told a soul.

 

During that time, I've been married. Divorced. Engaged twice after that. Revealed nothing.

 

The way I see it, my friends' privacy has nothing to do with my relationship. They trusted me and I will not betray their trust. I don't consider protecting the privacy and maintaining the confidence of someone who suffered a traumatic event to be keeping secrets. A marital secret would be something like hiding money, credit cards or other debt, or infidelity. Something that directly affects the marriage.

 

A conversation about someone else's rape is personal. If that person asked me to keep it confidential, I would. It's not a marital event.

 

The husband needs to get over it. He should be happy he's married to someone with integrity and discretion.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, it sure is interesting seeing the different takes on this. My attitude on secrets in general stems from my philosophy of what constitutes a good marriage. I personally, would never tell something to one spouse that I would want them to keep from the other spouse. It's just as simple as that in my book. I would either trust them both as a unit, or I wouldn't trust them at all.

 

My take on why the husband reacted the way he did is because this is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably runs the show at home. His only domain is work and finances. He probably feels like a slave and is doing what any slave would do: rebel. I have seen marriages like this. Makes me glad I never married.

 

My husband really doesn't want to know my women friends secrets. If I am told not to discuss something with anybody, I don't! Now, if I felt it was serious enough and it affected me too, then of course I'd let her know right off the bat that I would be mentioning it to my husband. I wouldn't mention it to him and then ask him to pretend he's in the dark around her.

[anika99]

This is a good response. The problem I am having with this thread - and keeping secrets in general - is the concept of unintended consequences. In this case it is that only one partner makes the decision. What if it is the wrong one? It takes power away from the partner that is kept in the dark. In essence, it devalues the husband. It's like saying "Don't worry honey bun, I know what is good for the both of us. I wont keep anything from you that in my estimation you need to know. So just go back to slurping beer and watching the ball game...."

 

If the position were reversed and wifey found out hubby was keeping secrets about something , unless it was about some boring guy problem concerning someone she doesn't even know, there would be trouble. This happened to some relatives of mine a few years back - there was a divorce and hubs knew all about it while wifey didn't and when she found out it was hubs who was providing advice instead of her to the divorcing couple, she practically blamed the divorce on her husband's bad advice. Caused a bit of a rift in their own marriage...

 

Personally, I'd appreciate knowing about it if only so I don't inadvertently cause a sh it storm by asking questions...

 

That example is just ridiculous and it makes the wife in that scenario sound just as nosy and controlling as the OP's husband. The wife was mad that her husband didn't tell her of another couple's divorce because she thought she should have been the one giving advice to them? Lol...first of all their divorce was none of her business and had nothing to do with her. Secondly if the divorcing couple had wanted this women's advice they would have asked her for it. They didn't even tell her they were getting divorced and for good reason considering that the woman considered it her God given right to get in the middle of their private business. Sounds like that husband exercised some good judgement in not telling her other people's business.

[anika99]

Wow, it sure is interesting seeing the different takes on this. My attitude on secrets in general stems from my philosophy of what constitutes a good marriage. I personally, would never tell something to one spouse that I would want them to keep from the other spouse. It's just as simple as that in my book. I would either trust them both as a unit, or I wouldn't trust them at all.

 

My take on why the husband reacted the way he did is because this is just the tip of the iceberg. She probably runs the show at home. His only domain is work and finances. He probably feels like a slave and is doing what any slave would do: rebel. I have seen marriages like this. Makes me glad I never married.

 

There is nothing in the OPs post that indicates her husband is a powerless slave in his marriage. You are projecting your own negative views of marriage and women into this thread.

[DreamP]

How can you be talking about trusting one's spouse when you don't even trust your own husband to not blab to the world things you tell him in confidence? As far as your friend's daughter goes, when you tell a secret(any secret no matter what it is) to a married person it's pretty much expected that their spouse is gonna hear about it at some point, otherwise they're being placed in a position to keep secrets from their husband/wife which is something that will understandably cause strife once that fact inevitably gets revealed.

 

I think you are missing the point. The OP never said she didn't trust her husband. She said it wasn't her secret to tell.

[Horton]

I think you are missing the point. The OP never said she didn't trust her husband. She said it wasn't her secret to tell.

 

I got the point, she thinks having secrets from her spouse is acceptable/natural behavior, I just disagree with the premise. When you're married there's no room for secrets anymore and once you start down that path of keeping things from each other there's no telling where you'll end up. If you need evidence of this fact then look no further than the infidelity & OW/OM forums here on LS. That's why I compared it to a thief stealing a dollar from you, it's not the dollar you're upset about but the fact that you've been robbed. Well her husband is most likely not upset about the content of the secret, but the fact that his wife is comfortable keeping secrets from him at all.

 

 

EDIT: BTW I have no idea how your name wound up on the second part of my last post when it's actually from the OP's post and not yours, sorry if there was any confusion with that.

Edited March 9, 2016 by Horton

[Robert]

Since the threadstarter hasn't returned in a few days, we'll close this up. They can use the 'Alert Us' button on this post if they wish it to be reopened.

 

~6

[sandylee1]

This is a risky approach for a married man to take. I mean, this is Love shack, after all. The pattern a husband would have to take to keep his conversations secret from his wife match almost exactly the type of pattern a man involved in an affair would have. Texting the same number many, many, times. Locking down the phone so wife doesn't stumble across the texts. Perhaps clandestine meetings with the same female (I am assuming female here) in various places in the city and not telling wife about it, or perhaps even lying to the wife about his whereabouts. Eventually the wife will figure things out and come to the conclusion he is having an affair. At that point with his own marriage on the line, he has to tell her everything. Cat is out of the bag. Much simpler to tell Wife that his female friend has had a traumatic event happen to her and is coming to him for advice. Is it OK with you if I deal with this on my own or do I need to tell her to find help elsewhere? When you are in a marriage, you can no longer afford to deal with things as a lone wolf... thems the breaks.

 

Being married does not mean you are joined at the hip.

My husband and I are independent human beings after all. In the example I gave... I meant if he had a male friend who was raped. ...but it doesn't really matter ... if she confided in him.... I'd have no problem with it. If I knew my husband was a supportive person that could help it would be fine. I trust him and that should be the foundation of every relationship.

 

Being your own person and being one that others can confide in does not mean you are keeping secrets. If I tell my sister I've got a problem I DO NOT expect her to tell her husband. That's simply ridiculous. If I want people to know my problems ... I'll put it on Facebook or sent a text to all my contacts.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

A friends daughters (Jean - a fake name to make things easier to understand) of mine was raped a few months ago and she confided in me the details of what happened. She asked me not to say anything to anyone and just needed to talk to someone about what happened. Jean did do what she needed to do with authorities and what not. So, the other day she posted this long status on Facebook about her life and everything that has happened so far in her life - she felt it best to do so. Well, my husband saw the post and started questioning me about the whole situation. He asked me if I knew and I said yes because I wasn't going to lie. Then he wanted to know more but I didn't feel that it wasn't my place to tell him everything that happened. I told him if he wanted more details to talk to Jean because I didn't feel it was my place to talk about the details of what happened to her. I pretty much gave him a watered down version and told him that she was doing ok - as ok as you can in this situation.

 

Jean told me this in secrecy and didn't want anyone to know at the time, so, I never told my husband about this happening to her. My husband has become so angry at me that I kept a "secret" from him. He is so angry that he took off his wedding band and pretty much saying that I don't trust him or that I trust my friends over him. He is also not trusting me and saying that I must be keeping more things from him and I am not being truthful to him which is untrue. He starting saying that I didn't trust him and what would he do with the information, gossip about it? He pretty much is acting like I was cheating on him and keeping that a secret.

 

My view about this whole situation is that she told me because she needed to talk about what happen and she trusted me not to say anything, which I didn't. This has nothing to do with my husband or effects us in anyway other than she is a friend that needed someone to talk to. I felt if I told my husband, I would be gossiping about what happen and sometimes even with the best intentions things slip out during normal conversations. I did not want to break Jeans trust especially during this time with her still dealing with what happened to her. I understand she did make it public about the rape but I still feel it is not my place to go into details with anyone on what happened because if she wants to let people know the details she can but it is not my place to tell ANYONE the details.

 

Also, I have known Jean since she was 7 and now is going to be 21, which is much longer than I have known my husband. Jean is also like a daughter to me and I do have 2 daughters which she has watched grow up and babysat for.

 

Am I wrong about this and I tried to explain all this to my husband but he just doesn't understand that this has nothing to do with him and she needed to trust me. I felt that talking to him about what happen would betray her trust and might hurt her more. And right now she needs all the people around her to make her feel safe. I do trust my husband but things do slip and I just couldn't take that chance. He even said that she can't be doing ok with all this and he even posted on her facebook about how there are cruel stigmas about being rape and how he cant understand how people don't have compassion about people being traumatized in this way. This statement alone makes me feel that if I did tell him, even though he might not have said anything, his actions would say otherwise and she would have known that I betrayed her trust. She doesn't need this in her life right now.

 

Am I wrong?

 

Certainly not wrong. What does someone elses secret have to do with your guys' relationship? I mean, if I was him, I'd respect the privacy of whoever told you this. He's being ridiculous. And for what it's worth, I'm a man myself.

[BetheButterfly]

all this to my husband but he just doesn't understand that this has nothing to do with him and she needed to trust me. I felt that talking to him about what happen would betray her trust and might hurt her more. And right now she needs all the people around her to make her feel safe. I do trust my husband but things do slip and I just couldn't take that chance. He even said that she can't be doing ok with all this and he even posted on her facebook about how there are cruel stigmas about being rape and how he cant understand how people don't have compassion about people being traumatized in this way. This statement alone makes me feel that if I did tell him, even though he might not have said anything, his actions would say otherwise and she would have known that I betrayed her trust. She doesn't need this in her life right now.

 

Am I wrong?

 

She already told the police, yeah?

 

I don't think you are wrong to respect her and keep your promise to her. I don't understand why your husband is acting that way. My husband respects my friends' secrets and doesn't push me to go against my word to them.

 

That was a good idea to tell him to ask her.

Hopefully he will eventually understand that it is her right to tell him if she wants to, and that it is her decision, since she asked you not to tell anyone.