My ex is threatening to blackmail me if I don't talk to him

[loveandhearts]

I was definitely his first love as he was 19 and I was 18. It's been a year and a half of us living together and we just broke up a few days ago. He broke up with me and I couldn't believe it. I felt like I could always kiss him and he would want me again. He said he wanted to marry me. Now he says he wants to see what it's like to date other girls. We got in a lot of fights and even though I've been hurt too, I always thought he was worth it. He says he wants to be friends for life and last night he texted me saying he needed to talk to me and I never responded. Then he said goodnight. I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do, not respond. But now all I want to do is talk to him, should I respond or will it make him miss me more if I don't ? He's going on a date with another girl soon. Will he like her or will he realize I'm who he loves? I don't want to lose him. I almost feel like meeting someone else will make him realize he made a mistake. He always said I'm his best friend. While he thinks the other girl he is going on a date with is cute he even said I'm more attractive. I want to work it out but feel like it's too late and it's killing me. Help.

He is confused, what should I do?

[loveandhearts]

He texted me last night and I didn't respond. The break up is very new and I feel like it was hitting him. Does he still care? Is it wrong for me to finally reply or should I try and wait longer?

Is he just emotional at night time since it was 2am?

He said he needed to talk to me and now I want to see what he wanted to say. Will it just be bs? Saying how he wants to be friends still? Even if I kind of want to talk to him regardless.

[Satu]

There's no right and wrong in this.

 

If you want to, contact him.

 

If not, don't.

[Jasejasejase]

Why have you decided not to reply? It's Prob a good idea do explain a bit of the nature of the split ... Is easier then to give some advice about no contact

[Jasejasejase]

Hi ... With that info ... My opinion is you've got to let this guy go. It sounds like he is covering all bases ... Wanting to have his cake and eat it. He wants to see what he can date and if it goes wrong come back to you. You may be so broken at the moment that you'd do anythkng ... And it may feel like his return is the only thing that can make you feel whole again ... But he's using you. Be happy that your feelings were genuine ... But let him go. I would advise maintaining no contact. Why on earth he thinks discussing his new dates qualities with you is appropriate is anyone's guess.

 

He may be confused but thats his problem.

[basil67]

You're doing the right thing.

 

Don't accept second best. If he can't give you his all, then he doesn't get to have you in his life. Expecting you to be his friend, watching him date others while your heart is still broken is terribly selfish of him.

[kztar]

Let go. Forget about this guy man. You deserve better.

[loveandhearts]

We broke up a few days ago and he wanted still be best friends. He asked me to come over today to hang out and I obviously will be hurt by just seeing him. I told him I don't know if I'll come over or not. To be clear I think I should tell him I'm not coming over and I can't be friends with him. How should I tell him that? Would it be terrible to do it over the phone? He might try and convince me otherwise but nothing would get lost in translation. Or should I simply and text and what do I say?

He keeps calling and texting me, even though he ended it.

 

Beginning NC, help

[PegNosePete]

Send him a text.

 

"Being friends is too painful for me. Sorry, we can't see each other and we can't communicate any more. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me again. Goodbye"

 

Then DO NOT RESPOND to anything he sends.

Edited March 2, 2016 by PegNosePete

[loveandhearts]

For some reason I don't want to let him know I'm in pain though.

[d0nnivain]

Swallow your misguided pride & do what Pete suggested. To fail to acknowledge your own pain will only hold back your own recovery. Your break up is now a power struggle. He didn't "win" just because he managed to hurt you.

[Jasejasejase]

Im not sure a text is needed. He may say something that'll embroil you in dialogue and hurt you more. Personally I would do no contact now without a last text

 

I have a million things I want to say and ask my ex ... I spend most of my day battling the urge to say them ... Most of my day in pain and lonely ... But in my more lucid moments what would IT achieve? Nothing

[TheScientist]

Swallow your misguided pride & do what Pete suggested. To fail to acknowledge your own pain will only hold back your own recovery. Your break up is now a power struggle. He didn't "win" just because he managed to hurt you.

 

Wow.

 

I love this paragraph so much. I was wondering how to leave things with my ex, as friends is just damaging me because if anything our relationship is more intense now due to him opening up as no longer seeing me as a threat.

 

I have battled with whether or not to tell him how I feel before starting no contact, which I could do, however I feel I would be doing myself no favours without making it clear why I can't continue as we are.

 

Your advice, although not directed at me, was perfect. It's not a power struggle, admitting I'm hurt and in love with someone that won't let himself love me doesn't make me weak or the loser in this situation, neither does it make him the winner.

[stillafool]

Did you break up with him or did he break up with you? At any rate, do not go over there because he just wants to have break up sex before you say goodbye. Don't give it to him.

[maacus]

Send him a text.

 

"Being friends is too painful for me. Sorry, we can't see each other and we can't communicate any more. Please respect my wishes and do not contact me again. Goodbye"

 

Then DO NOT RESPOND to anything he sends.

 

THIS. Simply tell him it is too painful for you and that he please respect your wishes. You needn't elaborate further, and then as PegNosePete said, don't respond to anything he sends.

 

If he is so insensitive that he cannot understand or respect that he doesn't deserve an ounce of your attention.

[stillafool]

For some reason I don't want to let him know I'm in pain though.

 

Forget him, now is the time to think about what is best for you. Going over there is the worst thing you could do at this point. Can you say DOORMAT?

[loveandhearts]

He stopped calling and texting me for the last hour as he is at work. Should I wait for him to start up again or just go ahead and send it now? (My phone's plan is about to run out and I won't be able to pay till Friday) He really wanted me to come over today and acted like we are supposed to be friends forever. He seemed genuinely offended when I said before that I can't be friends at this time. (Deep down I don't know if I ever could be but I just said for now).

It's hard to think I won't hear his voice for long long time if ever.

[stillafool]

Yes, send it now. You will be okay. Not hearing his voice is the best thing to push you forward in healing. You would have felt awful about yourself if you went over there and he lured you into sex. Now you have the upper hand. You go girl!

[loveandhearts]

I sent it and he replied (even though I told him not to contact me again) saying "stop acting like this, plus you have to come get the rest of your things"

Little does he know I made sure to get everything I still wanted. He said the other day I left some clothes there but I don't believe him and if I did, I'll live. I can barely fit all my other clothes into my drawers.

[MidwestUSA]

I sent it and he replied (even though I told him not to contact me again) saying "stop acting like this, plus you have to come get the rest of your things"

Little does he know I made sure to get everything I still wanted. He said the other day I left some clothes there but I don't believe him and if I did, I'll live. I can barely fit all my other clothes into my drawers.

 

Smart thinking, getting your stuff.

 

Do NOT reply, not even to let him know the status of your stuff. Let him figure it out.

[loveandhearts]

He says he still has to help me with my phone and he's like "don't make me say I'll send those videos to your sis and mom if you don't talk to me"

He's talking about stupid videos he recorded of me and my friend (another girl) making out one time. I basically did it to please him.

 

I'd kill myself if he sent them. What do I do?

[Zahara]

I sent it and he replied (even though I told him not to contact me again) saying "stop acting like this, plus you have to come get the rest of your things"

Little does he know I made sure to get everything I still wanted. He said the other day I left some clothes there but I don't believe him and if I did, I'll live. I can barely fit all my other clothes into my drawers.

 

It would be best for you to ignore him. You can't be friends, you can't hang out. There is no need to explain anything more to him because he understands the situation but does not want to accept it because he is selfish -- selfish in that he wants to have you there as a fallback while he slowly maneuvers his way out of the break-up.

 

Block him before he ropes you into doing something that's going to hurt you even more. There is no need to reply to his message.

[stillafool]

I sent it and he replied (even though I told him not to contact me again) saying "stop acting like this, plus you have to come get the rest of your things"

Little does he know I made sure to get everything I still wanted. He said the other day I left some clothes there but I don't believe him and if I did, I'll live. I can barely fit all my other clothes into my drawers.

 

You just knocked him off his feet. Good move getting your stuff beforehand. Wonder what excuse he'll use next.

[stillafool]

He says he still has to help me with my phone and he's like "don't make me say I'll send those videos to your sis and mom if you don't talk to me"

He's talking about stupid videos he recorded of me and my friend (another girl) making out one time. I basically did it to please him.

 

I'd kill myself if he sent them. What do I do?

 

Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you fall for this he will hold these pics over your head for the rest of your life. If he does send them you will definitely have no problem getting over him because the hate will override any love you ever felt. Don't ever let anyone blackmail you and certainly never take pics in private sexual moments.

[anna121]

He says he still has to help me with my phone and he's like "don't make me say I'll send those videos to your sis and mom if you don't talk to me"

He's talking about stupid videos he recorded of me and my friend (another girl) making out one time. I basically did it to please him.

 

I'd kill myself if he sent them. What do I do?

 

Call the police and say exactly what he said (or show his text if it was written) and that you feel harassed and threatened. See what they say. If you know a lawyer (maybe through family?), it might also be an idea to get a cease and desist letter drawn up.

 

Without the force of third parties (ie., the law which may or may not apply) you can't keep him from sending those videos so I'd concentrate on making it clear that you are serious about wanting nothing more to do with him. Any reaction on your part only feeds his ego and desire for power over you.