Kissing...........

[charley24]

Hi everyone, first time here and 2 months since I found out, just looking for some guidance, maybe a way of expressing my feelings !

 

My partner and I have been together 7 years, we have 2 children aged 5 and 1. He has always been a man everyone thinks the world of, mature, friendly, helpful, wonderful in every way really, total family man.

 

On a night out with work he was very drunk, there was a co-worker named steph who tried putting her hand on his leg and he pushed it off, she tried a few more times meanwhile he was chatting about our wedding in September. He moved away from her.

 

When he was going home, she was too as she is the onlyperson from the office who lives in our town. They goton the train and he bought her a coke to try to sober her up. Anyways she goes for it, and kisses him, he reponds and they kiss for around 20 mins, then he walks her to a club and kisses her once again, his hands he said were ' all over her'.

 

I found out 3 weeks later as I found a text, he denied it at first but then admitted they kissed, the whole story came out. I know it was only kissing, but I feel as if he had had sex with her the pain wouldn't be anymore.

 

I texted her and she admitted it was her doing, apologised and said that we shouldn't throw everything away.

 

They work on different floors and when he sees her he tells me, they haven't spoken since and it seems they are avoiding each other. My partner says he feels sick when he sees her and that he loves me and can't explain why he did it.

 

In hindsight we had become more like brother and sister and were both not putting the effort in, we had also had a bad year as our baby was premature and fought for life.

 

I have forgiven him, after all I love him and do not want to throw away 7 years of happiness on a stupid kid who went after a taken man.

 

However I do fine for a while, then get myself allchewed up, thinking maybe they are having an affair and I don't know etc, reliving what happened on the train.......

 

I really need some closure but I am worried that I can't get over this, I wanted the pure love we had, but this is the tarnish and we are getting married in 3 months.

 

Can anyone help, am I overreacting,I knowpeople on here have much worse situations, I just want to get myselfout of this funk.

 

Things between us are better, we seem to care more, maybe thats the silver lining ?

[charley24]

Anyone.............

[RoxStar]

Its hard to say. Is this the only time he kissed someone else? Why did he do it? Have you asked him that? Do you have a healthy relationship? You either need to chose to accept it or not. It seems as though sometimes you have accepted it but other times it still bothers you. That is natural. This situation has clearly compromised the amount of trust you have in him. That is something YOU need to take into consideration before walking down the aisle. No one can really give you the answer because that has to come from within. Good Luck and keep us posted.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You may want to consider a few pre-marital counseling sessions to see if there are any commitment or fidelity issues that he needs to work out before marrying you. It is not true that a person who cheats will always cheat, but if the thought processes that caused him to say 'yes' when he could have said 'no' are still brewing in his head its very likely those same thought processes will pop up again when he presented with similar opportunities. You'll want to discuss that in your counseling sessions. Don't focus on this one girl - try to focus on what it was inside himself that made him choose to cheat on you. I would seriously advise not 'ignoring it' and 'hoping it won't happen again'. Sometimes people who do this will see what it is they have done, and will not choose that way again - but... in terms of a lifelong commitment involving your children as well, wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry? It sounds like there's quite a bit you two have to say to each other, and quite a bit you will have to make yourself really listen to from the other - stuff that has thus gone unsaid, and if they are continued to be left unsaid they will be the cancer that kills your relationship from the inside out.

 

As for the girl, its apparent she came on to him - but she probably wouldn't have continued had he not on some level encouraged it. Its the fact that he encouraged it and followed through on it that is troubling, and I don't for a second see him as a 'victim'. I see him as a 'willing participant'.

[charley24]

Thanks for the replies, he hasn't done this before and he cannot explain why he did it, he said maybe he was flattered, that he was worried (I was on a hen weekend a way the day after), and I know we weren't as close, not sex wise, but communicating.

 

I don't think he will do it again, he knows I can't forgive again, he even said if it had of been me, he wouldn't have been able to forgive me!

 

Peopletalk about soul mates, thats what we are, it was a shock because he isn't the type, she did ask him for sex, he said no and came straight home. He said he couldn't live with himself and he felt sick for the 3 weeks, I found the text and said why didn't you delete it ? He said I wanted you to find out, I couldn't find the words but wanted to tell you, I wanted it out in the open so we had no secrets.

 

I do love him, and trust him, I just hate the fact she is where he is, he has an excellent job so I wouldn't want him to move (altho he said he would).

 

I just think that so much is left unsaid but I want to reconcile rather than go over things over and over, does that make sense ?

[LucreziaBorgia]

If that is a risk you are willing to take, then there's no problem with that. But be aware that the 'first truth' is rarely the 'whole truth' - and that putting this behind you with a quick reconciliation isn't going to change the mindset that led him to this affair in the first place. I expect there is a lot more to the affair than you know, and that he is willing to admit - but if its over, and he is ready to move on and you are ready to move on (regardless of what you know), then that's what you have to do. Put it behind you. Just be careful - and be ever mindful of what happened - forgive, but never forget. Keep your eyes open. The last thing you want is to not see it coming when/if it happens again with her or with anyone else.