How close have you come to commiting suicide?

[Lobouspo]

Did you ever get so down in the depths of despair where you came close? What gave you the hope to turn back and carry on?

[d0nnivain]

Why do you want to know & what are you planning to do with the information?

 

 

If you are considering killing yourself please call a hotline, talk to a friend or go for a walk. Do anything other than take your own life. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

[The Poster]

I've been close before. Very close. I had a note written and methods researched, I just didn't have a set date.

 

I had become disillusioned with life. I was self-destructive and constantly in pain. I couldn't find peace and I deemed myself a failure. A failure who got too far behind in life. I thought it was simply too late to try. I looked at life as something that just wasn't for me. I tried hard and I tried a lot of different paths, but they all ended up the same way. Dark and empty.

 

Eventually my ideations morphed from my own personal pain and struggle, to the world as a whole. Beyond just myself. The world seemed like such a bad place filled with misery and void of meaning. Get up, go to work, come home tired. Get up and do it all again. It seemed pointless. Then you'd see the news and read about all the terrible crap going on everywhere. Violence, hatred, pain, sickness. I didn't want to stay.

 

So what changed? It's hard to pinpoint. I know I couldn't do it to my mother. That was a major reason. I also felt like I wanted to just experience more in life before I made such a decision. I hadn't experienced much and kind of isolated myself and built a wall. There was just more I wanted to discover in life. A new job, meeting different people, trying different things, feeding and developing my passions instead of just letting them be as they were. It kind of became a "throw caution to the wind and let's see what happens" kind of thing. I knew I didn't have anything to lose at that point, so I just became bolder. Eventually I saw life does have quite a bit of redeeming beauty.

[kat2008]

I tried when I was 16. I felt so alone and misunderstood. So much had happened to me from a young age. I went to the doctor just so I could talk to someone about how I was feeling and he told me it was just a phase I was going through, all teenagers felt like it at some point. I was even more devastated.

 

I tried again when I was 26 (interestingly, I am now going through same kind of break-up 20 years later as I was then - ending of LTR, didn't see it coming, blah blah. And I recently found a notepad I wrote in when I was 26 detailing how I felt at the time but I haven't had courage to re-read much of it. Plus the writing is awful!!)

 

Anyway, I really thought I had done it - I remember waking up and seeing everything in black and white and thinking I must have come through onto the other side. Gradually this faded and I realised that nope, I was still here!

 

I did get a LOT of therapy, which really helped me and made me realise that there were people out there who were suffering a lot worse than me. Of course roll on 20 years, same situ (there have been lots of break-ups in between but somehow I managed to cope better then). Don't know if it's an age thing but I don't much like it!

 

Anyway the very good thing I learnt from therapy was that I was worth more than I thought and that no man (or any situation) was ever worth cancelling out for.

[Toodaloo]

White coat and 24 hour watch...

 

Not the best days of my life.

 

Realising it was illness helped. That, my mother and a fantastic friend.

 

It can get better. It does get better. How that happens and when if different for each person.

 

Recognising that at the time is really hard though.

 

Strange thing is that we are loved and cared for by more people than we would ever realise.

 

I am careful with my mental health and recognise the signs these days.

 

Thankfully I have not been that bad since.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I've been close before. Very close. I had a note written and methods researched, I just didn't have a set date.

 

I had become disillusioned with life. I was self-destructive and constantly in pain. I couldn't find peace and I deemed myself a failure. A failure who got too far behind in life. I thought it was simply too late to try. I looked at life as something that just wasn't for me. I tried hard and I tried a lot of different paths, but they all ended up the same way. Dark and empty.

 

Eventually my ideations morphed from my own personal pain and struggle, to the world as a whole. Beyond just myself. The world seemed like such a bad place filled with misery and void of meaning. Get up, go to work, come home tired. Get up and do it all again. It seemed pointless. Then you'd see the news and read about all the terrible crap going on everywhere. Violence, hatred, pain, sickness. I didn't want to stay.

 

So what changed? It's hard to pinpoint. I know I couldn't do it to my mother. That was a major reason. I also felt like I wanted to just experience more in life before I made such a decision. I hadn't experienced much and kind of isolated myself and built a wall. There was just more I wanted to discover in life. A new job, meeting different people, trying different things, feeding and developing my passions instead of just letting them be as they were. It kind of became a "throw caution to the wind and let's see what happens" kind of thing. I knew I didn't have anything to lose at that point, so I just became bolder. Eventually I saw life does have quite a bit of redeeming beauty.

 

You sound far too much like myself at times. Suffice to say I get it, I've been damn close my self. I left without saying a word. I went to a place in woods. I prayed and begged God to forgive me, to please be waiting for me. I just sat there on my knees feeling like I had failed with such completeness, that I was now having to apologize to my maker for giving up.

 

A surreal experience. I was in a little clearing and the sun cam out, it felt warm. I had a large blade to my throat and I just wasn't scared any more. I had made my peace. I truly believed I was doing the right thing. Just as I was about to pull the blade with all my strength my wife came up behind me. She simply said, "God doesn't want this, and I don't either". She said even if things never turn out right it would still be better to try...

 

I'm still here and finally starting to get it right. My marriage is still a wreck, but we are at least able to cooperate to raise our kids. Speaking of my kids, they are getting more and more well behaved, grades are coming up and thing are finally improving.

 

I think it helped me to simply forget about myself and see good as a worldwide sort of thing. Instead of focusing on the good for myself, I just focus on doing good, no matter what direction it goes.

 

That's my two cents I guess, just know it CAN get better.

[Radarsat]

Been very close. Too close. Last time was a month ago with a pillow and sleeping bag lying on a railway track. Tried to go to sleep. Police took me away. 48 hour watch.

 

I'm going to be going to a in-patient hospital next month for a 2 month stay for severe anxiety/depression.

 

Please take care of yourself. I know your pain and I know how you feel. But we must at least try to stay. I don't believe it some days, but there are people in your life I'm sure who will be devastated if you end your life.

[Brapting]

I went for a week where all I could think about was how I didn't want to exist any more. I was smoking a lot of cannabis and deeply unhappy with my life situation. This had been going on for several years.

 

For about a week I felt like utter $hit and my thinking kept leading to hanging myself. I thought about how long the rope would need to be to do it instantly and painlessly and where I could do it.

 

Apart from knowing (deep down) that these thoughts were intrusive...and that I didn't want them. I knew that if I were to hang myself, my family would find out...and possibly even find my body. Regardless of how I felt...I don't think I could put anyone through that...especially my family. Also (deep down) I think that I believed that there is always another way. I am not religious, but everyone and every situation is redeemable and manageable. I went to see my doctor but did not tell him that I was taking drugs and having suicide thoughts (I was scared that he would section me...or tell my family). I said that I was anxious and he prescribed beta blockers.

 

A year later I experienced a similar episode...but much worse. This time I wrote a letter to my parents and explained everything. To be honest...they were not much help. I could tell that they were scared, worried and a little panicked...but they listened. I was very upset. Whilst I don't think that they physically did much to help, admitting it to someone was an important step. It was no longer a perverted little secret that was confined to my head and my reality. I had let it out and shared it. There was no going back from what I had said, but once I had released it, I had unburdened myself somewhat and I could move on. I then told my doctor everything and he prescribed anti-depressants as well. I did a little bit of counselling and drugs counselling and quit drugs for good.

 

I have not been in that 'state' for 2 years now. Occasionally I will think about it again when I am feeling low, but overtime I kind or realised that all emotions and 'states' are temporary...a bit like the weather. Even happiness and joy will not last forever, it is just something that comes and goes. Knowing this is very comforting when I am depressed because as I always suspected...there will always be a better day tomorrow, next week or next month. This realization and acceptance takes time though...there is no magic bullet.

 

I hope this helps

Edited March 19, 2016 by Brapting

[JustGettingBy]

I was considering it as a pre-teen, and when its set in that early, it simply become part of you if you do nothing. Luckily, I've been able to look back on my life, identify what set it off, and am in more control of my situation. If you can't figure it out yourself, I recommend either getting tested for depression, or seeking some other form of professional help.

[loveiswar101]

Depression is a serious thing. Not until you have lived with it do you understand what it can do to you.

 

8 yrs back after my marriage broke down (wife had an affair) i was on heavy meds and one night after a drinking session I could take no more. I took every tablet I could find in the house. I passed out, I woke to my ex father in law and having my stomach pumped. Do I regret it...maybe...I don't even think of her anymore and feel I would of wasted myself just because of her. Foolish.

 

But then the depression is still with you and still now I have thoughts especially when you get kicked in the teeth by someone, this case a girl I was dating. I don't feel like doing because of her I feel like doing it because I'm down and see no future, no joy, no nothing.

 

When you explain how this feels to people they just say it will get better, they agree you've been dealt some bad cards. But it doesn't change what you feel and want to do to exit.

 

But i'm still here I guess torturing my self in this world. Tomorrow is another day!

[Rachel39]

Suicide it's so bad for the people left behind if you could only see them after it, some family's broken and will never be the same, brother arm sisters mum and dads.... Everyone is ripped apart and blaming each other

 

My mums friend committed suicide in her late 40s she jumped off of a bridge into on coming traffic she was the most lovable happy fun person, her husband had an affair and cleared out their bank account..... No one could believe she had done it and I know you have to be in a pretty bad place to go through with it.

 

My first boyfriend was for ever trying to it has had lasting damage to me even though he didn't manage to I was only 16 at the time and felt so guilty for it.... I hated him for making me feel so guilty.

 

I know all about mental health and it's in my family it's a silent illness but it can be managed with the right help but you have to try and help yourself ...

 

Have you tried cbt , mindfulness, excercise, taking b12 sprays ... A lot of people with mental health problems have magnesium and b12 deficiency and that no lie but they will not treat you at a gp

 

Most of my mental health problems went away after I started taking b12 spray and a magnesium supplement I'm the most calmest Iv ever been except for my recent heartbreak it had taken about 5 months for it work read up on deficiency in b12 you will be amazed just what it. An do to you mentally

[ohreallynow]

I ate pills and hallucinated rats in my room. They were feeble attempts. I could back out, a gun I cannot.

 

I ended up pukin and sleeping it off. My mom still thinks I ate bad seafood. Nope mom, I ate 2 boxes of unison because.. Well, f***.. I have that frustration. You know..

The kind u wish u were dead.

[Breem]

So close I actually closed my eyes that night and thought it was my last. I had written notes, and had put some little notes on favorite books to indicate who will get it I die. Did things I didn't usually do like hugging my family.

 

I drank pills and I was really lightheaded. I remember my heart was palpitating so fast. I lied in my bed and just waited for it to be over. Then I just knew I had closed my eyes and was thinking that finally, it's this moment.

 

But then I woke up the next day. Maybe the pills weren't strong enough or I was just very lucky. But all I know was that God didn't want me to die yet. It shouldn't be the end. The next few months, I've received the best blessings I got. Even now when I'm facing struggles in life, I can never bring myself to that night again, there is so much more to life.

 

 

I hope that you won't have to come close to that. Trust me, it gets better. You become stronger.

[PLT]

After my 6 year old son died in my arms 15 years ago, I was close. It wasn't planned, I just found myself on the wrong side of a railway bridge just staring down at the tracks.

 

And then I remembered what my father committing suicide when I was 14 did to me.

 

And then I remembered my other son, who needed me.

 

And so, I'm still here.

 

I've had passing thoughts of it recently, due to just feeling incredibly low after a toxic relationship and a horrible break up, but it's more just wanting the pain of the gaping hole in my life (even though she really wasn't good for me) to go away.

 

But I have 2 sons that need me, I could never fill their entire lives with the sadness and unanswered questions that my dad left me.

[CarrieT]

Close enough that I'm often surprised I'm still here...

 

And glad I did not "succeed" in my multiple attempts.

[robaday]

I lost control of myself and went to a hospital one night because I was scared about what I was going to do to myself. My panic attacks, major depression had reached a level where I couldn't really control myself at all. Whether I would have committed suicide if I hadnt checked in Im not sure, was more the feeling of having no control and being scared of myself. In retrospect that was a turning point, that was the lowest point maybe and the only way was up from there.

 

I think my mum crying when she saw how severely depressed I was was the final turning point. I realised my own problems were causing others pain and resolved to try and do my best for them. Eventually I did my best for me and only me but it took me awhile to get to that point.

 

What got me through? turned me around. I would have fleeting moments away from the negative thoughts. These moments, albeit really brief gave me hope that would day I could be free from it. I remember those moments pretty good - once when I skydived I felt so calm the whole evening after. Once when someone did reiki on me I dissaciated from my thoughts and looked at them objectively. Once when I was reading the Power of Now I tried to practice what he said.

 

Eventually my mind got calmer. I do remember at the time thinking I would never free myself from these thoughts and never live a normal life. I thought I was insane.