Friend just started dating a verbally abusive man

[yume]

Hi all,

 

Not sure if I should have posted this in the Friendship board instead but here goes.

 

My best friend of 17 years told me last week she had met this guy off of POF who she was crazy attracted to but was really "difficult" to be around in that he said some pretty messed up things to her, a few of which were:

 

- she can't go to the doctor anymore because her body shouldn't be seen by a stranger

- she can't wear tight pants so other men won't look at her

- she can't share a bed with me on our upcoming trip we have planned

- he will go through her suitcase to make sure she hasn't packed a bikini for said trip

- that if her and him were having issues she isn't allowed to tell me because I would manipulate her against him

- that she is abusive to him and she needs to respect him at all times

- that she can't go see Deadpool because Ryan Reynolds is naked in the movie

 

I'm sitting here with my jaw on the floor because I can't believe she would even put up with this for five minutes. She definitely has some self-esteem issues and seeks validation from men, so her having met someone who is clearly controlling is, I feel, a potentially dangerous situation. She told me this morning she wanted to go home last night and he got mad at her.

 

The couple friends I've talked to about it have basically said I can't do much because it's her decision and the more I push her, the more she will resist. She KNOWS its wrong, but it's like she isn't strong enough to cut him off. But I can't sit here and do nothing.

 

Right now I'm considering going to her house (she lives with her parents, we're both 25) and telling her parents. I feel like the more people she has telling her this guy is a ****head the more likely she would let it go.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me as to how I can help her? What I should / shouldn't do?

[elaine567]

Right now I'm considering going to her house (she lives with her parents, we're both 25) and telling her parents. I feel like the more people she has telling her this guy is a ****head the more likely she would let it go.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions for me as to how I can help her? What I should / shouldn't do?

 

I think you should tell her parents, they need to know, he sounds horrendous.

[jen1447]

Yeah, tell her parents. If it was me I'd go straight to the guy and have a 'special talk,' but I realize that's not for everybody.

 

You should be in information ministry mode - get the word out like you're a marketing firm. And forget about being 'friends' and letting her make her own mistakes and stuff like that - if what you say is true, this guy will ruin her life. Only cure for that is total intolerance of him and his psychotic antics.

 

I've done it before so it can be done ....become this guy's #1 enemy and problem and hold out until he caves and runs away to find an easier victim. He will.

[S_A]

That she can't go see Deadpool because Ryan Reynolds is naked in the movie.

 

Sounds like a cover up. Ryan Reynolds gets pegged in the movie by his GF with a strapon. I bet the abusive guy is worried his GF might get ideas

[Eli Bounty]

Woooow. Yeah I would tell her parents. Dont count that she will speak to you after that however. She will probably be mad at you for telling her patents but in the long rund, she will probably forgive you and realize that you were her friend and not him.

[Cherryz]

First you say she is 17 now she is 25? which one is it?

 

Either way tell her parents now!

 

People in this type of relationships are often afraid to get out themselves.

So help and support of family and freinds are very important.

 

And many of this victims ends up dead!

This guy is sick!

She needs help to leave him.

Tell her parents as soon as possible.

 

And dont isolate her. Keep being her friend as far as you can and keep advice her to leave and so on.

[yume]

First you say she is 17 now she is 25? which one is it?

 

I said she's my best friend of 17 years aka I've known her for 17 years. We're both 25, so I've known her since I was 9.

[yume]

I think you should tell her parents, they need to know, he sounds horrendous.

 

I agree...

 

Yeah, tell her parents. If it was me I'd go straight to the guy and have a 'special talk,' but I realize that's not for everybody.

 

You should be in information ministry mode - get the word out like you're a marketing firm. And forget about being 'friends' and letting her make her own mistakes and stuff like that - if what you say is true, this guy will ruin her life. Only cure for that is total intolerance of him and his psychotic antics.

 

I've done it before so it can be done ....become this guy's #1 enemy and problem and hold out until he caves and runs away to find an easier victim. He will.

 

I like your style. He is enemy number one, lol

 

Woooow. Yeah I would tell her parents. Dont count that she will speak to you after that however. She will probably be mad at you for telling her patents but in the long rund, she will probably forgive you and realize that you were her friend and not him.

 

I get that whatever I do our friendship could be at risk... But I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing what I know and not taking action.

 

As a little update, after I texted her a lot today saying "you deserve better, you don't want to end up with this guy, none of your old boyfriends treated you this way" etc., she told me she messaged him saying she couldn't see him anymore and blocked his number. She said he called her 7 times from a strange number, I guess to try and talk her out of it.

 

I'm really hoping she keeps her resolve... If she goes back to him I guess I can go to her parents at that point. It's just troubling because she's texting me now saying she's really upset because she did like him. I'm just having a hard time understanding how someone can like a person who says such controlling, crazy things

[Methodical]

Right now she is listening to you and has heeded your text message warnings. Get face to face with her ASAP, lay out his "rules," and then tell her she deserves better than a manipulative guy (tho I can think of more approp. names for someone like this). Point out she hasn't known him long and he's already trying to control her every move. Point out the road ahead of her in very explicit details if she even considers dating this guy that's already imposing limitations on her before he even knows her. Tell her...don't ask. Make her see his manipulative tactics, etc.

[Emilia]

Yeah, tell her parents. If it was me I'd go straight to the guy and have a 'special talk,' but I realize that's not for everybody.

 

You should be in information ministry mode - get the word out like you're a marketing firm. And forget about being 'friends' and letting her make her own mistakes and stuff like that - if what you say is true, this guy will ruin her life. Only cure for that is total intolerance of him and his psychotic antics.

 

I've done it before so it can be done ....become this guy's #1 enemy and problem and hold out until he caves and runs away to find an easier victim. He will.

Yeah don't do the special talk or go heavy handed as advised here. He will only take it out on her and it's not like he will be scared.

 

Talk to the parents and all your mutual friends. It's very important that he isn't allowed to isolate her, that's what he is trying to achieve. All friends and family must keep in touch but not have all-out slanging matches or #1 enemy or anything like that. It needs to be low energy and being constantly in her life.

 

When she wakes up she will need you all.

[jen1447]

As a little update, after I texted her a lot today saying "you deserve better, you don't want to end up with this guy, none of your old boyfriends treated you this way" etc., she told me she messaged him saying she couldn't see him anymore and blocked his number. She said he called her 7 times from a strange number, I guess to try and talk her out of it.

 

I'm really hoping she keeps her resolve... If she goes back to him I guess I can go to her parents at that point. It's just troubling because she's texting me now saying she's really upset because she did like him. I'm just having a hard time understanding how someone can like a person who says such controlling, crazy things

 

This is good. Like Method says, now you need to sorta fill the void and occupy the space he used to fill as advisor etc. so he stays out of her head. And don't spend too much time trying to figure out why ppl do this - there's a whole school of psychological dysfunction behind it that you're not gonna figure out overnight. Just accept that it happens but capitalize on the fact your friend had the resolve to do sth about it early and make sure she doesn't go back on that.

 

You're a good friend to her.

[QueenElsa]

Good thing she is rid of him.

Hopefully she doesn't bounce back and forth with him.

He sounds unstable.

Take her to see Deadpool.

[stillafool]

I haven's read every previous post but can I ask you, what exactly is your friend getting out of her relationship with him? Why is she putting up with this?

[yume]

This is good. Like Method says, now you need to sorta fill the void and occupy the space he used to fill as advisor etc. so he stays out of her head. And don't spend too much time trying to figure out why ppl do this - there's a whole school of psychological dysfunction behind it that you're not gonna figure out overnight. Just accept that it happens but capitalize on the fact your friend had the resolve to do sth about it early and make sure she doesn't go back on that.

 

You're a good friend to her.

 

Thank you! I'm happy to hear that I've done the right thing.

 

Good thing she is rid of him.

Hopefully she doesn't bounce back and forth with him.

He sounds unstable.

Take her to see Deadpool.

 

Good idea on the Deadpool... If seeing Ryan Reynolds' butt doesn't cheer a girl up, I don't know what will

 

Talk to the parents and all your mutual friends. It's very important that he isn't allowed to isolate her, that's what he is trying to achieve. All friends and family must keep in touch but not have all-out slanging matches or #1 enemy or anything like that. It needs to be low energy and being constantly in her life.

 

When she wakes up she will need you all.

 

It's funny, I did message my other best friend who also knows this friend and asked her to give her a pep talk about how she doesn't need a person like this in her life as I thought it would be good if she heard from someone else (other than me) that this guy is bad news. I think it may have worked, so it's good that I still have her parents as an option in case she relents down the road.

 

Right now she is listening to you and has heeded your text message warnings. Get face to face with her ASAP, lay out his "rules," and then tell her she deserves better than a manipulative guy (tho I can think of more approp. names for someone like this). Point out she hasn't known him long and he's already trying to control her every move. Point out the road ahead of her in very explicit details if she even considers dating this guy that's already imposing limitations on her before he even knows her. Tell her...don't ask. Make her see his manipulative tactics, etc.

 

I will see her this weekend, so I will make sure to talk to her then.

[Miss Peach]

I've been in an abusive relationship. I wish one of my friends would have seen it and said something. I think you did the right thing. She's probably feeling a bit lonely since I'm sure this guy didn't leave her alone much. So it's good you're making some time for her.

 

One other thing to watch out for - when women (and men) try to leave abusers, they tend to come up with a multitude of tactics to get the abused person back under control. For example if gifts worked before he might send a gift. If that doesn't work he might pick a fight or blow up her phone. Stuff like that.

[yume]

I've been in an abusive relationship. I wish one of my friends would have seen it and said something. I think you did the right thing. She's probably feeling a bit lonely since I'm sure this guy didn't leave her alone much. So it's good you're making some time for her.

 

One other thing to watch out for - when women (and men) try to leave abusers, they tend to come up with a multitude of tactics to get the abused person back under control. For example if gifts worked before he might send a gift. If that doesn't work he might pick a fight or blow up her phone. Stuff like that.

 

Thank you for your insight. The previous time she cut it off she had left some clothes at his place and she had asked him if she could pick them up, he refused and said he would drop them off near her car when it was convenient for him. So I assume he used that as a tactic to get her to talk to him again, which led to her seeing him the second time. Hopefully he doesn't have anything else he can use as "tactics" as you said to get her to talk to him.

 

I'll be on guard!

[turnera]

You may want to pick up a copy of this book, and if it looks like he might get to her again, give it to her, tel her it made a lot of sense.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft | 9780425191651 | Paperback | Barnes & Noble

[yume]

Hi everyone,

 

So I have an unfortunate update for you all. I hadn't heard from my friend for a couple days (I texted her several times with no response) until this morning, when she emailed me from her work email saying this:

 

"I changed my phone number in case you've been trying to get a hold of me!"

 

I said yeah, I've been texting you a lot, I thought something happened to you.

 

Her response:

 

"OMG SORRY UGH. I got back with Matt.. I've been with him the last few days I didn't want to text you and if you said anything about him I didn't want him to see.

 

I'll text you my new number later. I'll probably be with him - don't say anything about him k? I don't want him to get mad.

 

Please don't judge me"

 

??????????

 

I'm so incensed right now I can barely type.

 

What should I do?

[jen1447]

I'd do the Enemy #1 thing I suggested originally, but there are limiting factors you should figure out first ....

 

- How invested are you really in this person? You bscly have to be totally committed to her to see it thru.

 

- What's your general psychological makeup? You have to come hard and mean what you say or it won't work. But if you really are that person you can run him off.

 

The way I look at this is no guy (or anyone for that matter but the context here is the traditional abuser dynamic) is gonna victimize any good friend of mine, no matter what it takes. If you can bring that level of determination then you can make it happen, if not it might be best to take on a lesser role. But it'll be supremely frustrating to you going forward watching her be his victim (and things no doubt getting worse by degrees as they always do). It's really up to you to figure out who you are deep inside and what you can commit.

[yume]

I'd do the Enemy #1 thing I suggested originally, but there are limiting factors you should figure out first ....

 

- How invested are you really in this person? You bscly have to be totally committed to her to see it thru.

 

- What's your general psychological makeup? You have to come hard and mean what you say or it won't work. But if you really are that person you can run him off.

 

The way I look at this is no guy (or anyone for that matter but the context here is the traditional abuser dynamic) is gonna victimize any good friend of mine, no matter what it takes. If you can bring that level of determination then you can make it happen, if not it might be best to take on a lesser role. But it'll be supremely frustrating to you going forward watching her be his victim (and things no doubt getting worse by degrees as they always do). It's really up to you to figure out who you are deep inside and what you can commit.

 

She's like a sister to me so I'm willing to do what it takes...

 

As for myself I'd say I'm quite mentally / emotionally healthy and I can dig my heels in when I want to. I'm just not sure how I would feel confronting a random man who is potentially dangerous (if that's what you were suggesting).

 

My first thought right now is to go over to her parents and lay it on the table for them. I even saved screenshots of her text messages to me about this guy for proof....

Edited March 30, 2016 by yume

[jen1447]

She's like a sister to me so I'm willing to do what it takes...

 

As for myself I'd say I'm quite mentally / emotionally healthy and I can dig my heels in when I want to. I'm just not sure how I would feel confronting a random man who is potentially dangerous (if that's what you were suggesting).

 

My first thought right now is to go over to her parents and lay it on the table for them. I even saved screenshots of her text messages to me about this guy for proof....

 

Ok, that's a good honest answer about your capabilities then. Given that I'd just go in the direction of the media campaign, and the parents would be a good start.

 

One unpleasant thing you might want to take on first - doing this might mean the temporary or permanent end to your friendship w/your friend, bc first of all she won't be happy about her business being out there (it's embarrassing) and also bc as an abuse victim she's very likely already brainwashed into thinking this sort of disobedience to this guy is "not allowed" and it'll just make her really uncomfortable and resentful and she'll very likely push you out as a result. To me that's just collateral damage - my friendship's not the priority, it's her well-being. To that end tho you might want to do the favor of telling her first. I'd have a face-to-face where you tell her that in fact, no, you're not gonna tip-toe around so he doesn't get mad, and that you know what he's all about and you're not entertaining any rationalizations or justifications. Give her an opportunity to get onboard. She likely won't take it (and she may even try to fool you) but at least she'll be appraised of what's going on and where you're at w/it all. It seems outwardly 'mean' and 'rough' but desperate times call for desperate measures and you're not dealing w/anything but a full-blown crisis here.

 

You have to be very firm and avoid what's usually the typically feminine wishy-washyness - this isn't a time for nurturing, it's a time for action and bold moves. You don't nurture someone's who's slowly dying when you can prevent that, you stop them dying by whatever means necessary. Get it that head-space and get to work.

[turnera]

I would tell her I'm not gonna stand by while he abuses her; that I'll do whatever I can to convince her to leave him and if she abandons me because of it, that's her choice, her guilt to live with. Sometimes you have to show them real consequences to shake them up. I'd also tell her parents and her other friends about him.

[yume]

Ok, that's a good honest answer about your capabilities then. Given that I'd just go in the direction of the media campaign, and the parents would be a good start.

 

One unpleasant thing you might want to take on first - doing this might mean the temporary or permanent end to your friendship w/your friend, bc first of all she won't be happy about her business being out there (it's embarrassing) and also bc as an abuse victim she's very likely already brainwashed into thinking this sort of disobedience to this guy is "not allowed" and it'll just make her really uncomfortable and resentful and she'll very likely push you out as a result. To me that's just collateral damage - my friendship's not the priority, it's her well-being. To that end tho you might want to do the favor of telling her first. I'd have a face-to-face where you tell her that in fact, no, you're not gonna tip-toe around so he doesn't get mad, and that you know what he's all about and you're not entertaining any rationalizations or justifications. Give her an opportunity to get onboard. She likely won't take it (and she may even try to fool you) but at least she'll be appraised of what's going on and where you're at w/it all. It seems outwardly 'mean' and 'rough' but desperate times call for desperate measures and you're not dealing w/anything but a full-blown crisis here.

 

You have to be very firm and avoid what's usually the typically feminine wishy-washyness - this isn't a time for nurturing, it's a time for action and bold moves. You don't nurture someone's who's slowly dying when you can prevent that, you stop them dying by whatever means necessary. Get it that head-space and get to work.

 

I'm gonna go with your advice. I'm so angry at her right now... After all I've done to support her and be there for her and she's still just hurting herself...

 

Here's the thing... I will go to her parents. What I'm wondering is, I have screenshots of all the texts she sent me about how awful he was. I'm considering printing those and her emails to me today for her parents to see, so they know I'm not making this up. Do you think this is fair? Or too extreme?

 

I would tell her I'm not gonna stand by while he abuses her; that I'll do whatever I can to convince her to leave him and if she abandons me because of it, that's her choice, her guilt to live with. Sometimes you have to show them real consequences to shake them up. I'd also tell her parents and her other friends about him.

 

Yeah. I'm considering looking up a few of her friends on facebook and messaging them to see if they've heard from her at all.

[jen1447]

I'm gonna go with your advice. I'm so angry at her right now... After all I've done to support her and be there for her and she's still just hurting herself...

 

Here's the thing... I will go to her parents. What I'm wondering is, I have screenshots of all the texts she sent me about how awful he was. I'm considering printing those and her emails to me today for her parents to see, so they know I'm not making this up. Do you think this is fair? Or too extreme?

 

Nothing's too extreme when the stakes are that high. Again tho I'd encourage you to tell her your intentions first. If she wants to deny and reject at that point that's on her, but at least you'll initially be treating her like a capable adult until she shows you otherwise.

 

btw as far as being angry w/her goes, I get it - she needs to stand up for herself too. But keep in mind what happens to these ppl when abusers get to have their way w/their psyches for a while. She's likely brainwashed to some extent by now and that means she's not entirely accountable for her actions, or at least that she can't be expected to show the kind of discretion that normal, healthy ppl are capable of.

 

I'd save most of your anger for the guy. It can be a good catalyst to get things done, but don't let it cloud your judgment. Her parents for ex will be better convinced if you're calm and collected, not all agitated.

[yume]

Nothing's too extreme when the stakes are that high. Again tho I'd encourage you to tell her your intentions first. If she wants to deny and reject at that point that's on her, but at least you'll initially be treating her like a capable adult until she shows you otherwise.

 

btw as far as being angry w/her goes, I get it - she needs to stand up for herself too. But keep in mind what happens to these ppl when abusers get to have their way w/their psyches for a while. She's likely brainwashed to some extent by now and that means she's not entirely accountable for her actions, or at least that she can't be expected to show the kind of discretion that normal, healthy ppl are capable of.

 

I'd save most of your anger for the guy. It can be a good catalyst to get things done, but don't let it cloud your judgment. Her parents for ex will be better convinced if you're calm and collected, not all agitated.

 

Okay, fair enough. I know you said to tell her my intentions face to face, but I don't think it will be possible for me to do that anytime soon as she's been with him all week. So it'll probably have to be via text or email, as I'd rather go talk to her parents ASAP (like, tonight if possible).

 

I will be calm when I do talk to them. I just feel very RARARARARARARAR!!! right now.

 

So let's draft a message to her now....

 

"I care about you a lot and I can't and won't stand by & watch this guy drag you down. I fully intend to speak to your mom and dad, with or without your permission, about him. If this negatively impacts our relationship, so be it. I care about your well-being more than anything and I feel that you are making a dangerous decision by being with this guy. I am and always will be your friend, and I'm doing this because I love you. It is NOT RIGHT that you should have to change your number to hide your friends from a man. And vice versa. You asked me not to talk about him when you text me - I won't do that. I won't change the way our friendship works because of a manipulative, emotionally unstable and insecure man who doesn't deserve you. I love you and I will always be here for you. You are LOVED by your friends and family who would be devastated if anything happened to you."