Overwhelmed - MM has ended our affair

[Pili-Pala]

I read your post again, but I couldn't find what the third scenario is - 1) he wants to draw you back into the affair; 2) he wants to leave his marriage and needs your support, and 3)... I am sorry. I might have overlooked it, but what is the third one?

 

Solonely I think you're right. I didn't actually mention the third. I think I thought it was obvious but I guess it's not really. The third is some sort of closure - which has an A and B scenario (...can you tell I am an analyst and planner by nature?)

 

The A scenario is that he just wants a pity party. To tell me how much he messed up his life and an attempt to absolve himself of his guilt in messing up mine. Not to get me back into an A but just for him to feel better. If he does this I will feel quite torn - as I know he does genuinely feel awful and actually I don't feel he is responsible for messing up my life - yes he did things that didn't help, but it was my choices that got me here. And also I do care about him a lot and it will hurt to see him like that. However I am resolute that if this happens I am not going there. I can't be his support anymore, he has to take responsibility to fix himself, and besides that it is a dangerous line between supportive and an EA starting up.

 

This is where Georgia Girl's response will kick in right away. I will tell him he needs to take responsibility for himself and get into IC and enough is enough now and I am not going over all that with him, his therapist can. That I am not going to be the person that tries to help fix him anymore as its not appropriate. That I need him to man up and help me to get our professional relationship to an effective level again. Basically. Something like that. If that is the conversation, I am shutting it down.

 

Do you like how sure and confident I am about these things?! Am I convincing myself enough yet? Oh jeez I am going to have to be so so strong...

 

It will either be that (which is how I imagine the scenario of trying to get me back into A will also start too) or it will be the B scenario - which is as constructive a closure as is possible. If it's this sort of closure then that's cool. There's no more to do there. It will be back to reverting the conversation to our professional working relationship and how we sort that out. But from where he seems to be right now, this seems the least likely scenario. If it is this then I will eat my hat.

[Pili-Pala]

You seem clear-headed and reasonable in your thinking. I'll just throw out my devil's advocate questions and ideas and see if anything makes you go 'hmmmm'

 

 

Heartwhole. As Solonely said, another great post and so much to think about. Thank you.

 

I have thought about everyone's responses a lot over the last 24 hours. I probably need to think on them some more, but here is where I think I am at on the third case scenario....

 

I am going to tell him that his decision is his decision alone. That I have never asked him to leave for me and that I truly believe that a decision based on leaving has to be based on whether or not his M can be fixed and whether it can work in any way at all if it can't be fixed. I am going to tell him I can't stand by and support him in that decision and nor the process of execution - it's not fair on me, it's not fair on his wife and most of all it has to be his decision and if he decides to stay it's never going to work so long as I am in the wings. I will firmly suggest he goes to IC (this is going to be tough to convince him!) and that he works out why he is where he is and what he can do and what resources he has to help him get to where he decides he wants to be.

 

I will tell him that in the meantime I am going to get on with my life and my focus on me. If he ultimately leaves his wife, takes the relevant actions, and a respectable time has passed, then he can come back to me by all means and see where I am and whether he can win me back.

 

I will then turn the conversation around to our professional working relationship and what I will commit to there and what I need him to commit to and if he can.

 

.... In all honesty this will be absolutely terrifying to do and is going to take every single ounce of my strength and resolve. But ultimately I really feel I have no choice to do or say anything otherwise for so many of the reasons people have said here that I feel after consideration all stand up to any argument otherwise.

 

I guess my only dilemma now is considering what is a "reasonable amount of time" - as knowing him as I do I already anticipate that question! And also challenging will be finding the strength and resolve to do this, which I think will come from reading and re-reading all your comments over the next week.

 

He has been quiet today and I am thinking it will be somewhat ironic if he comes back from holiday and tells me he no longer wants to talk! But if so then so be it - I'll be done with it then. I'm not being messed about anymore.

[Cymbeline]

It's good that you are prepared for a variety of scenarios but don't spend more emotion and time on him. You say 'I think he thinks'... You may be right about what he thinks , but the problem is, it's all an illusion - a hallucinatory bubble; he will think something else tomorrow and you will have to prepare some new scenarios. And then the following week he will think something new again. And it s all about him. And meanwhile you are back to the drawing board each time.

 

Those of us who are older and long married have some experience of what is going down on the other corner of this triangle and would probably recommend you find a nice, uncomplicated single man to have your own family with. It seems he is an impressive boss but maybe a less impressive husband.

[Pili-Pala]

It's good that you are prepared for a variety of scenarios but don't spend more emotion and time on him. You say 'I think he thinks'... You may be right about what he thinks , but the problem is, it's all an illusion - a hallucinatory bubble; he will think something else tomorrow and you will have to prepare some new scenarios. And then the following week he will think something new again. And it s all about him. And meanwhile you are back to the drawing board each time.

 

Those of us who are older and long married have some experience of what is going down on the other corner of this triangle and would probably recommend you find a nice, uncomplicated single man to have your own family with. It seems he is an impressive boss but maybe a less impressive husband.

 

 

I see your point Cymbeline - and I tend to agree I have spent enough time thinking about this now. So will likely park it until he is back and I know what is going on. It was occupying all my thoughts and so acknowledging it, getting it out and thinking about it I already feel I have dealt with it now and can get on with other things. Ignoring something until it goes away doesn't work for me.

 

But be clear I am preparing for one conversation and one conversation only. There won't be a tomorrow and next week and so forth as far as I am concerned. This is a one time only conversation opportunity.

 

yes, nice uncomplicated single man... I must find where they are all hiding!

[solonely9]

Hi, Pili-Pala, and sorry for the late reply. I had a bad day today. I don't know why. I was doing okay during the weekend, but now I'm extremely sad again.

 

Thank you for describing the third scenario. I think it is great that you're prepared for THE conversation. Yes, it must have occupied most of your thoughts for some time, as Cymbeline said, but it is great to be prepared. I would have done the same, if I had another chance. I regret so much acting in the moment and being led by emotions. This was not good for my image and self-respect at all.

 

[Pili-Pala]

Hi, Pili-Pala, and sorry for the late reply. I had a bad day today. I don't know why. I was doing okay during the weekend, but now I'm extremely sad again.

 

Thank you for describing the third scenario. I think it is great that you're prepared for THE conversation. Yes, it must have occupied most of your thoughts for some time, as Cymbeline said, but it is great to be prepared. I would have done the same, if I had another chance. I regret so much acting in the moment and being led by emotions. This was not good for my image and self-respect at all.

 

 

From what I recall your xMM turned up out the blue. So you did the best you could under the circumstances!

 

Sorry you were feeling so down yesterday Solonely I do hope you have woken up today a little brighter - or if not, then I hope you do soon.

 

Thank you.

[Cymbeline]

'yes, nice uncomplicated single man... I must find where they are all hiding! '

 

You sound far too capable and clever to be messing around with a needy, self absorbed wally. (Oh yes he is!) You will find someone when you extricate yourself and your emotions and you won't look back.

[Pili-Pala]

So here we are again. Limbo confusion. My old friend.

 

xMM back from holiday. He wants to talk but this conversation seems a long way off happening (as in days/week not weeks/months - but feels like a lifetime!) as we are struggling to get around the 'when'. He is still at home obviously and desperately trying to not make 'a challenging situation worse' and 'drag me into it again', which means it's impossible for him to meet in the evening and we don't want a snatched lunch break on a street corner or a half hour before work.. so we are trying to figure something out. He is also saying things like he wants to be able to show me something "tangible", as he can understand I will be sceptical on anything he says, although he is hoping it won't be too late....

 

So basically, I think from that and a few other comments he has put my way we can almost assume where this conversation is headed when we eventually have it. Not completely as I don't *know* - but we can probably place a fair bet.

 

Right now I feel so confused. I feel like I desperately want to have this conversation before he does anything, I feel like I should know what I want, I feel panicked, confused, guilty, hopeful and anxious all rolled into one and I don't know how to deal with this waiting. But I know wait I must.

 

I spoke to a friend this evening who knows about the whole A and she has helped me a lot. She talked me down and told me that essentially nothing at the moment has changed, the situation is still as it was. I just have to keep to my plan and keep doing what I am doing. If he wants to do anything before talking to me then that decision is on him. If it is a case that she is throwing him out (which is one of my concerns - I am not naive enough to think this isn't a possibility) then nothing I do or say is going to prevent that. She says I just have to hang tight, stick to the plan, keep moving, and talk when we can talk.

 

It's awful though. It's all consuming. I am a jumble of what if's... And I am frantically trying to bat them away.

 

Anyway, that's where I am. I know I have summarised/condensed for your own sanity in reading what could be a jumble of endless ramblings - but if anyone has any words of wisdom right now please fire away! My next therapy session is two days away and I could do with a helping hand here

[georgia girl]

Pili,

 

Very gently, doesn't the fact that you have to jump through all of these hopes just to talk tell you something? He is concerned about his wife finding out. Even if he does want to ensure there is enough time to do the conversation with you justice, it's done within the framework of protecting his relationship at home first.

 

I am not saying that to hurt you or disappoint you, but to encourage you to keep putting yourself, your needs and your best interests first and his a distance second. That way, you protect yourself while this plays out.

 

Hugs to you! I hope you have a good - and less anxious - night.

[Babsinhealing]

Pili-Pala- I know your mind must be reeling right now- I would feel the same. I'm sure most of us OW admit that "What ifs" often dominate our thoughts. However someone shared with me once that if its not a true, factual thought it's just our own mind and imagination and you can't necessarily trust that- it can cause more harm than good so try to avoid it at all costs (unless it's a happy thought or memory that brings you joy)...I know- easier said than done. I just want to try to protect you from unnecessary pain and try to refocus your energies over the next few days on knowing that whatever he throws at you, you can handle. You don't need to give him answers at that time of your "talk". Tell him you need to absorb what he said and think about it and give yourself some time to really consider what's best for YOU and your life. You shouldn't be expected to just jump with a resolution. Unless it's an obvious answer, or a deal breaker, really allow yourself some time to think about things - this puts less pressure on you. Good luck and keep us updated- we are all here to help you regardless! (Hugs)

[Pili-Pala]

Pili,

 

Very gently, doesn't the fact that you have to jump through all of these hopes just to talk tell you something? He is concerned about his wife finding out. Even if he does want to ensure there is enough time to do the conversation with you justice, it's done within the framework of protecting his relationship at home first.

 

I am not saying that to hurt you or disappoint you, but to encourage you to keep putting yourself, your needs and your best interests first and his a distance second. That way, you protect yourself while this plays out.

 

Hugs to you! I hope you have a good - and less anxious - night.

 

Fair point GG. I think it's not that black and white - I absolutely agree he is trying to prevent his wife from knowing, but I think it's not necessarily as he is trying to protect his relationship as it is, it may be more to do with not making a bad situation worse. However, I see your point that until and if anything actually changes, it is still operating under this framework and you are right to put my guards up!

 

Thank you for your support - I think I slept through absolute emotional exhaustion to be honest. But it's surprising what a remedy a nights sleep can be!

 

Pili-Pala- I know your mind must be reeling right now- I would feel the same. I'm sure most of us OW admit that "What ifs" often dominate our thoughts. However someone shared with me once that if its not a true, factual thought it's just our own mind and imagination and you can't necessarily trust that- it can cause more harm than good so try to avoid it at all costs (unless it's a happy thought or memory that brings you joy)...I know- easier said than done. I just want to try to protect you from unnecessary pain and try to refocus your energies over the next few days on knowing that whatever he throws at you, you can handle. You don't need to give him answers at that time of your "talk". Tell him you need to absorb what he said and think about it and give yourself some time to really consider what's best for YOU and your life. You shouldn't be expected to just jump with a resolution. Unless it's an obvious answer, or a deal breaker, really allow yourself some time to think about things - this puts less pressure on you. Good luck and keep us updated- we are all here to help you regardless! (Hugs)

 

Thanks Babs! And you are so right, I don't have to give him any definitive answers. I think I was just thinking I want to have this conversation and be done with it - but I think the reality is more complicated then in my simple brain! So yes, I need to take the pressure off myself and remind myself I can deal with this, whatever it is!

 

I do feel a lot better after a night sleep - so far I seem much more calmer today. I really think sleep is a wonderful thing . I am even starting to think maybe it's better we delay the conversation! What a wonderful jumbled up, back and fore mind I have! Sure I am not alone in that!

[heartwhole]

You have my support, for what it's worth. I'm just feeling anxious for you that even if he says, "If you say jump, I'll jump" that the chances that he'll follow through all the way to the end are not great. And that each step further that you take, unless there's a guaranteed future happiness, will simply magnify the pain and the regret if it doesn't work out.

 

Being so locked down that he can't even find 30 minutes to meet with you just doesn't sound like a man who has one foot out the door to me. I guess we're assuming that he just wants to keep his marriage as his back-up plan if Pilla-Palla rejects him? It's hard for me to feel like a man who treats the other important woman in his life like that is someone to trust with your future.

 

It's just an unfair situation all around. He doesn't want to throw away his family life without the promise of happily ever after. But the way this relationship started and all of his issues make happily ever after unlikely. Sure, anything is possible. I know some people do marry their APs and have successful marriages. But it's the exception to the rule.

 

Tread carefully, please. I don't begrudge you your love for him or your desire to see where this leads. I just encourage you to look down the road and see all the different ways this can end. Try to be objective about which outcomes are likely and which are not.

[jenkins95]

Just want to send you a hug (((pilipala))). All this waiting - I can almost feel your tension and all the what ifs, etc playing out in your head. It's great to see you staying level headed and realistic in your posts. When you do eventually have the talk, pretty much anything or everything could come out of it. You can't prepare yourself for all the eventualities of course, but great that you are staying level headed, getting some good sleep, and coming to us!

 

I wish you all the best pp, we are her for you. Keep posting!

[Pili-Pala]

You have my support, for what it's worth. I'm just feeling anxious for you that even if he says, "If you say jump, I'll jump" that the chances that he'll follow through all the way to the end are not great. And that each step further that you take, unless there's a guaranteed future happiness, will simply magnify the pain and the regret if it doesn't work out.

 

Being so locked down that he can't even find 30 minutes to meet with you just doesn't sound like a man who has one foot out the door to me. I guess we're assuming that he just wants to keep his marriage as his back-up plan if Pilla-Palla rejects him? It's hard for me to feel like a man who treats the other important woman in his life like that is someone to trust with your future.

 

It's just an unfair situation all around. He doesn't want to throw away his family life without the promise of happily ever after. But the way this relationship started and all of his issues make happily ever after unlikely. Sure, anything is possible. I know some people do marry their APs and have successful marriages. But it's the exception to the rule.

 

Tread carefully, please. I don't begrudge you your love for him or your desire to see where this leads. I just encourage you to look down the road and see all the different ways this can end. Try to be objective about which outcomes are likely and which are not.

 

Thanks Heartwhole. It is an awful situation all round that is for sure. It's also a constant fear of mine at the moment that maybe this is not what I want. I have read so many things these past 4months about things not working out in relationships from affairs, once a cheat always a cheat, the awfulness of relationships that come from so much hurt and mud... It rare to see anyone say, hey it worked out for us. (I have seen one or two on LS but few and far between. Perhaps they are just not on here and living happily ever after! Ha! Perhaps!) Anyway, it's hard after all that to still see anything positive for us can come from this. But that wasn't how I felt about us at all, I have always been realistic of the challenges but I also thought there was something there in him and in our relationship and these circumstances that meant it a chance worth taking. Now I just don't know anymore what to do for the best. I have forgotten all the good things and somewhat lost my hope. My defensive self-preserving strategy has worked too well

 

What a mess!

 

Thanks Heartwhole though, I was worried I might have lost your support and I appreciate your words so much.

 

 

Just want to send you a hug (((pilipala))). All this waiting - I can almost feel your tension and all the what ifs, etc playing out in your head. It's great to see you staying level headed and realistic in your posts. When you do eventually have the talk, pretty much anything or everything could come out of it. You can't prepare yourself for all the eventualities of course, but great that you are staying level headed, getting some good sleep, and coming to us!

 

I wish you all the best pp, we are her for you. Keep posting!

 

 

Jenkins!! Good to hear from you!!! How are you?

 

We had some more messages today which means I totally pretty much know what he is going to say now. I say "pretty much" as I am taking on board people's comments that I don't know for sure about anything that is just in my mind - but basically he has practically said it already. And your are right in that it raises so many more things that raises things that raises other things... I have told him I just want to talk and not have all these alluding comments and remarks and messages that can be misinterpreted. He has agreed on that. So we'll see. Just need keep my level-headedness and really try to get more sleep, which is what I should do right now Thanks Jenkins!!

[Pili-Pala]

So I thought I would write an update as I think I need some help. Although realise it's the weekend - and people don't seem to be about on LS at the weekend - but I never get any time in week to update, so I shall try now nevertheless....

 

Last time I updated my xMM wanted to talk to me. We did talk for a few hours and it was what I expected. That he wanted to tell me that he still feels the same - that he wants to leave his marriage (and that he doesn't want to be without me in his life). But it was quite a positive conversation in that, like me, he was also pretty adamant that he did not want to return to an A, not now he has seen all the pain it has caused. He also said that he felt he needs to do this on his own, without my support, and that he needs some space on his own afterwards and not jump straight into another relationship. He said he understood that fundamentally his situation has not changed and that this means I should keep on "moving on" from him, and that he will need to take his chances whether I am still there for him when he is done - especially as he realises his intentions don't mean anything until he actually does something.

 

I felt that he was still unsure on what he wanted to do - after all he has not actually done anything. I quizzed him extensively over whether the situation was rather more that his wife was not able to move on from this and he was trying to salvage me as a Plan B. He assured me that is not the case, that yes his wife really is struggling and they are struggling and they can't seem to make any progress, but that he thinks its because he doesn't want to fix it / thinks it can't be fixed - and that his wife is the same, but that she will stay with him and not throw him out, possibly mostly due to the kids, but also as she is scared of what it will mean for her (both financially and in being alone) and therefore any separation will definitely have to come from him. He said they spoke about separating on holiday and that he thought they had agreed it and then when he got back and started talking about moving out it seemed to come as a total shock to her and he was totally confused with what to do from there....

 

The result of all this was that I managed to convince him to try IC again. He has and has had two sessions and this time seems to have found the right fit for him and feels really positive about it and that it is helping him and I believe he will stick with it. Although we are trying not to have contact he has spoken to me about it a lot and it seems to me that his therapist and he are still working through what he should do rather then how to do it. His therapist has told him he wants to work with him for 10 session and I can see my xMM is anxious that its too long and he wants to take action now, but he also realises he needs to do this. I am very anxious about the timeframes, and I also very anxious that this might mean the end result is he decides to stay in his M. But in all honestly I am ok with all this and I understand that it is for the best for me and him and us. If it means he decides to stay then better he makes that decision now then we get into a back and fore situation. And if he does leave then its better he works through all this stuff and if that means waiting a few more months then its really not that long in the grand scheme of things.

 

The tricky thing is that I am now once again in a bit of a limbo situation and can't seem to keep on with the same progress as I was before this conversation. We are both very conscious we are speaking a lot and I spoke to him about my concerns we were getting into a EA situation. He agreed and seemed pretty horrified at the realisation and said he really doesn't want to put me through this.. so we agreed we were going to try not to have contact whilst this situation is as it is, but he admits he finds it so hard not to talk to me about it and we only seem to last about a day before we end up talking about it again. On Thursday we agreed to really try much harder at it but this in itself confuses and upset me - to me NC is about getting over someone. Is that what he is doing?

 

I am worried this update is getting very long, but the other things I wanted to note was that he has also made a few comments that make me think his situation won't change. His therapist has advocated no contact with me. His therapist has challenged him over whether he is grieving the loss of his marriage or the loss of me. His therapist has asked him to write a letter to his W about why he is leaving her, and also to write one to me about why he has to stay in his M and end things with me. But then xMM will counter all that by saying he absolutely still wants to leave and be with me. He said he was asked to do a sort of pros and cons list of why he should stay versus why he should leave and that although there was way more on the side of staying, he told therapist that he felt he couldn't live with the cons of staying and loss of the pros of leaving. I have reiterated many times he cannot leave for me, and he agrees, but it feels to me very much like his therapist is setting up and me or her situation.. and that in reality xMM is too.

 

Sorry - this is getting very long. In short, after all this babbling, my point is that I absolutely know I need to keep moving on and I have to stop thinking there is a chance for us ... but I am finding this so so so hard to do when there is this "hope". I can't seem to turn my back on him and I don't know where to go from here...

[S2B]

This man (boy) doesn't seem to take charge of his life! Not in fixing his marriage and not in letting you go!

 

And IF he really, really wanted to get divorced - no one would need to talk him into it - HE would be getting it done without others opinions.

 

But he hasn't - so that means he's staying married.

 

Be good to yourself and move forward. No contact with this greedy man that wants you and his wife.

[BuddyX]

He wants to figure this on his own, but keep you at arms length. The whole point of "figuring it out" is to assess the situation, take all the info given, and make a decision on Your Own.

 

Pay attention to his action not his words. Call him out on it. "Figure this out on your own. Get back to me Once you decided. And then I'll let you know if I still care".

 

Tell him that, and you'll see a change.

[privategal]

Id simplify it down to...youve given alot of time, angst, anxiety, worry, hope, analyzing, tears.

He looked you right in the eye and said move on.

He didnt lock the door which should bring you peace he does love you and care.

So if you love him truly, do not reach out, do not hold on, do not hope.

His mind is full...hes really hurting, divorce is so BRUTAL and when I went through it, I was out of love, I was ready, but once the proceedings were final my ex and I clung to the other and SOBBED HARD.

Then months later I went to a divorce recovery group.

I didnt even want to or need it...I was happily divorced..but in that group, I cried and sobbed again.

I was holding so much down...There was still greiving and confusion and pain of all the hopes and dreams ending.

My point is he has alot to process, his wife is hurting, he is hurting, you are hurting.

He needs this time to heal and greive and process. He needs to be alone.

The kindest thing you can do is do the same. Be your own best friend, work on you. Look forward and find something...anything you love...books, classes, hiking, a job search, redoing your bedroom to create a peaceful oasis, building a firepit in your backyard for summer...maybe an overnight stay by the beach to find tranquility.

You need your center back too.

Id consider it over.

Let the universe and time do its thing and in the meantime distance your heart and mind, be glad he met and gave you mind words and that there is bitterness and peace.

Just turn off your heart light so to speak right now.

Its best to have this time and this peaceful talk you just had...it just doesnt happen here.

Its usually cold hard nc...horrible fights.

It wasnt cold...thats great.

It wont be easy but keep hearing him say move on right now.

Do this. And find your center and peace again and let him find his.

[lemondrop21]

Most marriage and family therapists tend to be generally pro-marriage/pro-reconciliation, so keep that in mind. And thinking about it objectively, this makes sense, as I don't think it's good to give up on most marriages without a fight. Also, there is something called "discernment counseling" which specifically focuses on deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage (I believe this is only in the US). There is some sort of training and certification for it. May be useful to look up if MM ends up therapist-shopping again.

 

On another note, please take good, good care of yourself. This is a crazy hard situation for you to be in, and my heart really goes out to you. I don't think you can sustain true NC at this point because your heart will just be waiting, and NC is about moving on. Some kind of LC is good though.

 

Use your time and space to accomplish other things, even small things, and write those things down. If this doesn't work out, at least then you can say that you did not totally waste XX days/months/years waiting for someone else to decide how your life is going to go.

[Pili-Pala]

Use your time and space to accomplish other things, even small things, and write those things down. If this doesn't work out, at least then you can say that you did not totally waste XX days/months/years waiting for someone else to decide how your life is going to go.

 

I really like this idea LD. Thank you. I am going to try this.

 

I certainly don't think I can wait years. I have been thinking of putting a 10 week time frame on it (I.e. His 10 therapy sessions - that's another 8 weeks) - but I am concerned I might then find some other excuse to move the deadline and I need to be determined in not doing that. This has to be a last chance - but I am not even sure I should be giving this another chance. Argh, this is such a difficult situation...

 

(P.s. I also think like therapists I am also ironically generally pro-marriage reconciliation, if it can be fixed. I think this why I have always refused to push him to leave. As much as I want to be with him, I am desperately sad for them they can't fix it. I do realise that sounds crazy....)

[Cymbeline]

10 weeks just isn't long enough for them to begin to heal the breach in their marriage and if he is seeing you in the office it will be even more difficult for them as a couple and you too.

 

If he 'thought' he had asked for a divorce over the holiday but his wife was shocked when he mentioned it again then he didn't really ask for one. Or not at all clearly in any case so he still has communication issues.

 

Their marriage might be too damaged by his antics to fix but from your perspective it isn't looking promising. He is, at this point in your affair as romantically in love as he will ever be. He will be missing your company madly, his desire for that which he cannot have is at its peak and he will be tormented by your presence in the office; yet he still hasn't left. If he does he is likely to flip between you and his family for some time.

 

You mention the pros of staying in the marriage outweigh the cons of leaving but he says he isn't willing to do without the pros of the affair with you. You sound a very attractive woman, but with respect, these pros for him are not really about your great qualities but relate to the pros of the experiences people gain from an affair as a break from a marriage and reality.

 

The triangle of his life is stable while you are the third corner. If you become the mainstay support, it might just collapse for him. I don't know how far his wife holds up the edifice of his life but ime, wives do this more than a single OW realises and more than the MM realises (since the MM just about always takes his wife and her contribution for granted) , until he is about to truly lose her.

 

I think Private Girl was telling you to move on since he has already told you that. You are grasping at straws to think that he means you to give him 10 more weeks. For a MM whose wife didn't twig he was asking for a divorce, his words to you are fairly clear. He just doesn't want to sound mean and cruel.

 

Don't put time lines in your mind. He knows where you are if he wants you and you are wasting precious life.

[ShatteredLady]

I started a thread here on Art Journaling Therapy (it got moved to a different section) I think it's a great idea to get into 'something', anything really.

 

I've tried the whole yoga, meditation, visualization, music therapy stuff but it didn't take enough of my time.

 

I started art journaling because I could spend time watching YouTube, reading blogs, researching & planning. The big craft shop chains like Joanne's do free classes & you could make some new friends.

 

If you choose something more constructive like building a fire pit or designing a new bedroom you can also find free classes to go to at the DIY shops. Having 'dates' to put in your diary & hanging out with new people helps.

 

We spend so much time here analyzing THEIR thoughts & actions. We spend our lives waiting for THEM to talk & make decisions. We recommend books, even movies on the subject of affairs. I've discovered that doing the opposite, finding something for ME completely unrelated to all this head noise was very therapeutic.

 

It's Mother's Day in the USA. My 1 year anniversary of being blindsided. The day I've been dreading for months. I haven't cried yet!! There is the familiar 'buzz' in my brain which threatens to explode into a melt-down at any moment but I'm making a wall clock. My H has taken the kids to the cinema. I've just taken a little break to endulge myself in a little LS. I'm doing ok though

[Grapesofwrath]

It sounds like he is evaluating the situation and reviewing his options in order to figure out what is best for HIM. This make s sense and is the natural thing for him to do. I admire his transparency with his process. Given that, I would recommend that you also do what is best for you. AT this point, that is caring for yourself, healing, and moving to a place of peace.

 

The reality is that you can't control the outcome here so move forward. If he comes to you as a single and available man, then you have something to work with. Don't be put on a shelf while he figures out his options. You are more than someone's option.

[Pili-Pala]

I don't think privategal and cymbeline's comments are precisely on point - I disagree that he has asked me to move on and that this was some admission that he was saying that we were totally over etc. I know he said move on, but it wasn't in that context at all. I also disagree with a number of other points you made Cymbeline - however, I recognise that both your fundamental messages are correct; that right now I need to keep on moving on for myself. Also I don't mean 10 weeks to see if they fix their M (of course that is unlikely! It can take years!) I mean 10 weeks for him to work through this therapy and take some action to leave or commit 100% to staying - but you are right, I need to stop with these timeframes or there will just always be another timeline or another date to get past...

 

I think grapesofwrath sums it up well...

 

It sounds like he is evaluating the situation and reviewing his options in order to figure out what is best for HIM. This make s sense and is the natural thing for him to do. I admire his transparency with his process. Given that, I would recommend that you also do what is best for you. AT this point, that is caring for yourself, healing, and moving to a place of peace.

 

The reality is that you can't control the outcome here so move forward. If he comes to you as a single and available man, then you have something to work with. Don't be put on a shelf while he figures out his options. You are more than someone's option.

 

 

I know you are right.

 

But I am finding it so hard to do this though. I went to work today so determined to keep my distance and really make an effort to pick up where I was before our big conversation - but I just got sucked back in again. And I can see how much he is trying to stop this contact as well for my sake, but how much it is hurting him not to speak to me about everything that is going on and he just seems a mess and so we both just end up talking about how we mustn't talk like this.... And round and round...

 

I really need to find a way to get that mind shift back again. At least I have therapy tomorrow, perhaps I can see what resources I can find through that. As soon as I can get that I think I can get back on track. I just need to find the strength from somewhere to shut that crack in the door... no matter how much light seems to be coming through it, right now it's not real. It's just an illusion, an unfulfilled promise, or suggestion, of what could be. I need to shut it tight until something major changes in his situation and then he is welcome to ring the door bell and see if I am still home. ...Ok, I went a bit overboard on the metaphors there but you get my point

[Lovetoohard]

Pilli, I have been here. My xMM was contemplating divorce and said he wanted to be with me because he was so incredibly happy with me. He also did counseling with his wife. All that is great, but I needed to think of my future, independent of what the outcome was for him. I broke up with him, and during that conversation (which was like 4 hrs long!), he expected me to "support him through it all, including the divorce process that [he]was researching." The thing is, I didn't want his decision-making tainted by my advice at all -- his decision was his to make, free from any external influence on what the right path was for him. He is a grown man, a professional, a father...he is capable of making his own decisions. Another thing is, he needed to leave because HE wanted to, regardless of whether I was waiting for him or not.

 

Your MM says that he needs to figure this out for himself, yet he continues to talk to you about it. Look, I know what it's like to want to be there for someone you love, but you cannot be his emotional crutch. If I were in your position, I would reiterate that this is falling into EA category/using you as an emotional crutch, without much consideration of your own well-being and that he needs to do this independently. It's hard as hell - my xMM made feel very guilty for "abandoning" him, but I needed to go into self preservation mode. Protect your heart and focus on your personal and professional goals and what you envision your life to be in the next month, year, and 10+ years.