HOW TO BREAK A VICIOUS CYCLE......And Other Things.....

[sparkle & fade]

So, I guess the last poster to my other topic prompted me to explore this issue, since this is apparently going to come up again....

 

Read what "Guest" said to my last topic:

 

"No doubt, him telling lies all the time, even if they are small ones to just cover going to play pool with a friend is feeding into your insecurities"....guest

 

 

How then, is one going to break this cycle? How do I, as an invested person in this relationship, fix this problem??? IS there a way to fix this problem? WHEN will b/f stop telling lies, small and big and start confiding in me?

 

Because I feel like a child. Only being told certain things so I dont throw a tantrum....

Now I doubt everything he tells me. I think there is an ulterior motive to everything he does.

 

IN THE BEGINNING:

It should be fair to point out that in the beginning, he saw me as a VERY innocent girl. He protected my feelings in a sense, I guess. I saw him how he was, how he presented himself to me:

An overprotective, loving MAN who took care of me and things. I was none the wiser. I BELIEVED everything he said, to me his word was gold. I thought he could do no wrong. I KNEW he loved me, and so did his family. They teased him an awful lot about how much he catered to me, and looking back now, I can see how they exchanged those "if she only knew" looks when talking about innocence and good men....Not saying he was bad, but they thought that I had him up on a pedestal, and that he could do no wrong. Which was true. They found it amusing how niave I was, and so did he.

 

AND THEN.....

 

He ended up snowing me on a very huge thing. It took me a long time to get over it. No, he didnt cheat on me, it was nothing like this. But he opened my eyes so to speak. I suddenly realized that this man had lied to me for 2 months and when I asked him why, he told me he never knew how to tell me. He didnt want to hurt me.

What hurt the most was not what he was hiding but the fact that he was able to be with me for 2 months straight and not tell me a single thing. I by accident uncovered it.

I have since moved on, but from that day forward it started the VICIOUS CYCLE.

 

I felt humiliated, let down and stupid.

 

I was suspicious when there was no reason to be.

I started becoming moody and defensive, withdrawn, positive there was more to the story then what I was told. Sometimes I was right, he was covering some things up,

Sometimes I was wrong. But no matter what, his line of defense has always been that he didnt want to hurt me.

 

I believe this. He still regards me as a person that needs to be sheltered and "kept" from the outside world. He is still very overprotective and loving. He spares my feelings at any cost.

 

BUT

If I dont get over this cycle, I think it will ruin us. How do I get him to STOP treating me like a delicate object and start treating me like a strong, independant woman who he can trust?

 

I need tips, advice, whatever.... I need something....

 

I love him with my whole heart, and I can sense me "attacking" him only pushes him further away, But I am so consumed with not looking like the a$$, the big fool, that I keep pushing him and pushing him.

I want him to confide in me. I want him to tell me things. Correct things.

Not convoluted stories.

 

HOW TO BREAK THIS VICIOUS CYCLE......

[miss fortune]

I am probably not the best person to offer advice, but one thing that seemed to ring true with your situation is that you dont want to push him. Therefore, you need to add an element or a new dimension of mystery about you, to intrigue his interests. You need to back off and give him so much space, he cant help but come running to confide in you in fear that you are slipping away from him. This is not something you can tell a mean, believe me. They think its all empty threats. But when you start acting out on your words, they come-a-runnin.

[sparkle & fade]

Miss Fortune: Come to think of it, you are correct!!!

 

The times when he seems more drawn to me are times when I am the most calm, tranquil and aloof.

 

When I dont talk much, am lost in my thoughts, withdrawn, he immediately wants to know what I am thinking. He does his best to draw me out...

 

However, if I am not feeling somber and dark then I usually have a bad habit of saying the first thing that comes to mind....

 

And he always says that I need to think before I speak.

 

Which is true...I can be very hyper and demanding at times. During these times he is less inclined towards me....more withdrawn and less likely to tell me anything at all.

 

However, I cant ACT a certain way. I go on feeling. I cant PRETEND very well. If I feel a certain way, that is how I act.

 

So, you think I should back off? But what if backing off is just what he wanted? What if by my backing off, it leaves him free to get caught up in another huge thing he snows me with? I feel like if I dont keep tabs, the same thing will happen again, only on a larger scale......

[HoneyWheat]

wow

 

that sounds just like me and my ex bf

 

i don't know what to say to you

 

he didn't like to 'rock the boat' (his words) so that is why he lied

 

i feel like he didn't trust me enough to be honest with his emotions...i feel he was afraid to lose me by being open

 

he has a fear of confrontation...that is my assessment looking back on it now

 

we are not together....

 

we broke up and it was a slow foot dragging ending on his part which i will never forgive....

 

he should have let me go when i was ready instead of dragging it out

 

funny thing is: the reason i lost interest is because there was a lack of emotional sharing and openness on his part and that is when i was ready to leave after i got tired of waiting and trying to pry things out of him...i had it....

 

i stuck with him for a long time because everything was so good...but the emotioanl part is what was missing

 

i think he didnt' really like me as a person if you really want to know the truth

 

that is what i think now...we weren't really friends...but he did all these romantic things for me...he was a good boyfriend...he's just a romance addict i guess

 

 

when i say we weren't really friends it was like we couldn't confide in each other and he didn't take my side on things that were happening which i felt he should have if he were a true friend

 

when i finally started dating again after we broke up... i met someone who had been divorced twice... i was really afraid to go out with him...but i am glad that i did...i found what was missing in my great relationship with mr. romance....

 

feeling cherished, listened to and honored....and i felt like a woman with the divorced guy whereas with the ex bf i felt like a little girl...

 

i liked feeling like a woman...i felt cherished....my feelings with him were totally different and out rank all the gifts and romance mr romance did for me

 

but i want both now i want everything mr divorced twice offered as well as everythign i got in the relationship with mr romance

 

still haven't found it yet and im not settleing

 

the reason im not with mr divorced two times is because i was a chicken...he was divorced twice, and my friends were afraid for me too...

 

i was sooo attracted to him.. i could kick myself....but i was afraid....more afraid than i had realized

 

I think I was worried it was a trick or that it wasn't real

[HoneyWheat]

"A romantic partner is something you attract, not something you find. So let your beauty shine and your feelings show. When you're truly being yourself, people take notice and are intrigued"

 

that';s what my horoscope says for today

 

thought i should post it...dont; know why

[shamen]

To the original poster: What did he lie about? What did he "snow" you on?

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by shamen

To the original poster: What did he lie about? What did he "snow" you on?

 

Well, if you read the posts in this thread, you'll see what it is. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t64667/

 

He lied about 'playing pool with his friends' AKA cheating and still lying about it. And she believes his really lame lie.

[sparkle & fade]

To answer the question of "What did he snow me on" ....

 

Yes well, it WAS the pool/cheating escapade(cheating unconfirmed) HOWEVER, that was not the exact thing that was sooooo devastating....I really do not want to get into it, it is virtually impossible to sort out, it was one big mess, but it rrealllyy put me through the wringer.