Do adult children ever truly grow up?

[wonderbug111]

So, I've been dating my bf for a little over a year. I have 2 children (13yr old son and 10 yr old daughter) who live with me. My bf has 2 children (24 yr old daughter who lives in her own apt and 18 yr old son that still lives at home with his mom).

 

My problem is with his 24 yr old daughter. She lives very close by to both of us. We don't live together. She has a 3 yr old son who is wonderful and I love to be around. I'm wondering how much time is "normal" for a dad to spend with his adult daughter. His daughter calls and texts her dad multiple times everyday to talk with him about everything she does. They meet for lunch at least once a week. And get together at least once a week for dinner as well, usually more often. She asks him to come over and watch her son for things as trivial as "so she can bring in the groceries" or "so she can go renew her apt lease". She has called him on a Saturday night while we were spending time together to bring her chinese food because she had had a adenoid surgury a week before and still couldn't fix herself something to eat. He left and went to get it for her. She has him come over to blow off her 4x6 patio of leaves and turn off her gas because she needs to bomb her apt bc she saw a spider. They spend a lot of time together.

 

I have kept my mouth shut regarding my true feelings bc it's none of my business. However, I find it a strange relationship. When I was 24, I had my own friends and life and did not need to hang out with my dad every spare moment of my time. I also have seen her be disgustingly disrespectful to her dad after she asked him to babysit her dog and the dog accidently got ahold of the treats and ate them all. She literally cussed her dad out yelling and screaming at him in a tirade that went on for nearly 15 minutes. I had to step out of the house it was so appalling. I have never witnessed anyone behave so horribly. When I expressed to him later how I didn't like how disrespectful she was to him, he completely turned the tables on me and defended her behavior. Since that happened, which was about 8 months ago, I have only seen her once and she was very cold and aloof with me.

 

Another incident that just happened which is why I'm writing this is a week ago, I was at work and my kids were supposed to be at dinner with their dad but he dropped them off at home early. My son wanted to go to a friends house to spend the night. I was going to be home in an hour and a half but my daughter didn't want to be left alone at night. Usually I would've told my son he couldn't go or at least until I got home but I decided for the first time ever to ask my bf to come over and stay with my daughter until I could get home. I was going out on a limb to ask but my daughter is getting more and more comfortable with him and I just thought is would be a cool thing. I knew he was babysitting his grandson but I thought he could just bring him with him. What I didn't know was that his daughter had come over and they had eaten dinner together and they were finished but when I asked if he could do that his answer was he could come over "when my daughter leaves". I was only asking for him to come for a little over an hour so if he was going to "wait' for her to leave, there really was no sense. I told him not to worry about it and that she would be fine until I got there all the while angry that he would stay with his daughter who is 24! and he sees everyday and not make an exception so my daughter who is 10! didn't have to be alone. He ended up driving over 40 minutes after our initial conversation. So he was with her for the last 30 min. It was nice of him to do and I didn't say anything about it when I got home because he still did me a favor. But I just felt angry that he couldn't put my needs ahead of his daughters especially when there was nothing his daughter needed but I did need his help and it was hard to ask! Here it is a week later and there have been a few more things pop up with his daughter and I'm just feeling my resentment build.

 

I want to speak with him about it but I don't know what to say or how to say it so that he won't be defensive again. I am aware that this may just be a case of this is how they are and if I don't like it, I can walk. I just don't want to come off as I'm issuing an ultimatum bc I'm not but I don't know what the right answer is.

 

Any advice would be helpful.

[rester]

It sounds like he has very weak boundaries with his daughter and I agree that they probably spend a bit too much time together, but I don't think you're being reasonable by expecting him to drop what he's doing so he can drive over to your place to babysit last minute. He was busy, it doesn't really matter with what.

[wonderbug111]

Thank you for your response. This is why I'm asking. I sometimes feel like my reactions are a bit tainted by my dislike for his daughter. If I liked her, I might feel differently about everything. I just discussed it with him and he told me he "pushed out his own family to come over to mine". He was expectedly defensive. Idk... That doesn't sit well with me either. You're right that I shouldn't have expected him to drop everything I guess. I think what this really comes down to is can I deal with his daughter essentially being the other woman in his life that needs more of his attention than I do.

[Tayla]

Lets hope so!

 

Does the love for your child supercede non blood relatives?

 

She's his daughter for life. Admire that.

 

Compromise and express your view without any judgement on his character.

[BettyDraper]

Thank you for your response. This is why I'm asking. I sometimes feel like my reactions are a bit tainted by my dislike for his daughter. If I liked her, I might feel differently about everything. I just discussed it with him and he told me he "pushed out his own family to come over to mine". He was expectedly defensive. Idk... That doesn't sit well with me either. You're right that I shouldn't have expected him to drop everything I guess. I think what this really comes down to is can I deal with his daughter essentially being the other woman in his life that needs more of his attention than I do.

 

Well adjusted adult children do not need their parents as much as your boyfriend's daughter needs her father. Her level of clinginess is not normal and she sounds spoiled. I think that your boyfriend has always felt guilty about the divorce and that's why he is extremely close to his daughter.

 

I could never scream and swear at my parents just because they did something I didn't like. My father and I are very close but I don't demand his attention like a little kid.

 

Are you sure this is what you want to sign up for?

[whichwayisup]

You're either going to have to accept his daughter and how often they see one another and learn to like her or end it with him. He isn't going to take to the idea of spending less time with her or helping her less because you don't want him to. Imagine him trying to dictate how you are with your kids?

 

Also, some families are closer than others, it's their normal even if it doesn't seem normal to you.

[wonderbug111]

Well adjusted adult children do not need their parents as much as your boyfriend's daughter needs her father. Her level of clinginess is not normal and she sounds spoiled. I think that your boyfriend has always felt guilty about the divorce and that's why he is extremely close to his daughter.

 

I could never scream and swear at my parents just because they did something I didn't like. My father and I are very close but I don't demand his attention like a little kid.

 

Are you sure this is what you want to sign up for?

 

Wow. Do you actually know my bf? You're absolutely right about the guilt factor from the divorce. And the part about yelling and screaming at your parents is exactly how I felt. Never once have I ever yelled and screamed at my parents. That's just it. I don't know if I do want to sign up for this. I just don't know how to tell him without it seeming like I'm accusing him of having an inappropriate relationship with his daughter. I think that's sort of the way he'll take it.

[wonderbug111]

You're either going to have to accept his daughter and how often they see one another and learn to like her or end it with him. He isn't going to take to the idea of spending less time with her or helping her less because you don't want him to. Imagine him trying to dictate how you are with your kids?

 

Also, some families are closer than others, it's their normal even if it doesn't seem normal to you.

 

I completely agree with you. I just don't know how to express why I would be ending things. "you spend too much time with your daughter" ??? And you're right about the closeness of families. Other people have said that to me so I get it but it just doesn't feel right to me and I don't know that it ever will and I don't want to feel a constant resentment towards his daughter so I probably should just cut my losses and move on.

[whichwayisup]

I completely agree with you. I just don't know how to express why I would be ending things. "you spend too much time with your daughter" ??? And you're right about the closeness of families. Other people have said that to me so I get it but it just doesn't feel right to me and I don't know that it ever will and I don't want to feel a constant resentment towards his daughter so I probably should just cut my losses and move on.

 

You be honest, just say you can't see yourself growing old with him - That you do love him but not enough to embrace his daughter and to be be a step mom to her, let alone be a grandma to his grand children.

 

You can't help what you feel.

[BettyDraper]

Wow. Do you actually know my bf? You're absolutely right about the guilt factor from the divorce. And the part about yelling and screaming at your parents is exactly how I felt. Never once have I ever yelled and screamed at my parents. That's just it. I don't know if I do want to sign up for this. I just don't know how to tell him without it seeming like I'm accusing him of having an inappropriate relationship with his daughter. I think that's sort of the way he'll take it.

 

Don't know your boyfriend. I have just seen this kind of overcompensation from divorced parents many times. Some children even manipulate their parents with guilt.

 

I respect my parents far too much to yell and swear at them...even when they upset me sometimes. It's just not done.

 

I don't blame you for having second thoughts. I wouldn't stay in this situation but that is just what I would do. Maybe you can start a dialogue about feeling guilty as a parent after a divorce?

[mrs rubble]

It sounds like this daughter of his is a solo mother??? With him running out to pick up takeaways and mind the child while she's incapacitated or doing things.

Is she a solo mother because of her horrendous temper? Or manipulative personality?

If you stay with dad, you can expect the requests from his daughter and demands on his time to ease up when/ if she gets herself a boyfriend. You're the enemy, you're stealing time from her and her dad at the moment.

The major problem I'd have in your scenario is your boyfriends refusal to see his daughter's tantrum as poor behaviour- She has to have learned to act like that somewhere and he doesn't think there's any problem acting like that, I wouldn't be waiting around to see this trait emerge from him!!!

[wonderbug111]

Well, a little update...

 

I was able to express my issues with my bf's relationship with his daughter and at first he was a bit defensive thinking I was accusing him of having an inappropriate relationship (which I was not!) He feels he is a great dad (and he is) and helps out with his grandson because he wants to spend time with him. I get all of that and that's fine. It's the excessive phone calls, texts, and requests to do everything for her and with her that bother me. He agreed that she calls him and her mother a lot for everything but he also didn't think/realize it was that excessive. I referred to myself at that age and how I was living in a separate state from my parents and could make my own decisions and yes I called home for big issues but c'mon, not bc "I saw a spider and can you come over to kill it?" I told him there need to be some boundaries and maybe said it's time to cut the apron strings a bit:rolleyes:

 

I brought up his guilt from the divorce which I think he agreed with.

 

I also told him I thought she owed me an apology from the night she screamed at him and made it so uncomfortable that I was sitting out on his front porch for close to a half hour by myself. If my child had done that, I would've demanded him or her to apologize to my bf for putting him in that situation. He agreed with me that she owed me an apology and that he had told her to but she never did. Now it's been so long, I doubt it will ever happen but I felt better at least knowing he had told her she needed to do that.

 

I also told him that he by no means needs to do any of these things and that his relationship with his daughter is his business. I just don't want to go thru life feeling the resentment that I've been feeling. I'm all about being there for your kids and being close (hell, I still call my dad and tell him pretty much everything that's going on in my life but he lives 4 states away and we talk every 1-2 weeks), but theres a line where it just starts to be too much. (For me) Like I said, I get diff families have diff relationships and that's fine, it's just what do I want to live with? I'm not married to the man yet so I still have that freedom of choice. He told me with that he will always put me first. (I didn't even ask for that.) And that he is just trying to be a good dad and grandfather. I felt heard and understood and relieved that we were able to discuss (albeit a bit tense at times) this without breaking things off.

 

So Saturday his phone rings and he doesn't answer it. 3 min later, it rings again and I just know it's his daughter. I said "honey, you can answer your phone, it's ok." He answers and she's called to tell him that she came home to find her neighbors door open and what should she do? Call the police? Put the cat back in his house? ON and on and on she goes. Omg. I felt a little vindicated, I'll admit. The next day she called to ask if he would babysit his grandson so she could go watch Walking Dead at her friends house of which she doesn't pick her son up until around 10:30pm on a Sunday night. He actually said "No, sorry I'm spending time with (me)"... She tried once again to guilt him by saying she was going to go to some bible study church thing first and THEN to watch walking dead but he just said. "I'm sorry. I can't". She handled it better than I expected and they hung up. I can't even explain how that made me feel. Not because he shouldn't babysit his grandson but just bc he stood up to her and said no.

 

I won't bring it up again unless it all continues at the same level but something tells me that he is going to become more aware of her level of neediness and realize it's a bit much. And maybe i'm dreaming... we'll see. :bunny:

[wonderbug111]

It sounds like this daughter of his is a solo mother??? With him running out to pick up takeaways and mind the child while she's incapacitated or doing things.

""

If you stay with dad, you can expect the requests from his daughter and demands on his time to ease up when/ if she gets herself a boyfriend. You're the enemy, you're stealing time from her and her dad at the moment.

The major problem I'd have in your scenario is your boyfriends refusal to see his daughter's tantrum as poor behavior- She has to have learned to act like that somewhere and he doesn't think there's any problem acting like that, I wouldn't be waiting around to see this trait emerge from him!!!

 

Your post made me laugh (Is she a solo mother because of her horrendous temper? Or manipulative personality?) One night stand actually of which she never told the father he had a child until 6 mths ago bc she decided she wanted help from him. (Her son just turned 3.) Now the father is taking her to court for parental rights and visitation. Duh. And she's the victim again. I have also hoped for a bf for her and that would ease up the neediness but it hasn't happened:(...I wonder why:rolleyes:

 

And yes, I had a HUGE problem with my bf's defensiveness of her poor behavior... HUGE... we almost broke up when that happened bc it put so much strain between he and I. Well, he waffled about it. One minute admitting it was terrible and that he was furious with her and the next making excuses for her about her being a stressed out single mother etc. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't just admit her behavior was unacceptable. If my kids being an *******, I have no problem saying "My kids being an *******". Apparently, he did. I know he was incredibly embarrassed by her behavior. And still is honestly. I also talked with him this weekend about this behavior being a "norm" in their house growing up and is this how they all handle stress and talk to one another? He assured me it was not. He is the most honest and loving man I've ever encountered. And I'm not easy to love...

 

This whole dating after divorce with kids thing is really difficult!!! Time will tell...