Staying friends after dating

[sb6052]

Okay, so it might sound a little weird that a dude wants to keep being friends with a chick after dating didn't work out, but oddly enough there is one chick who I don't mind doing that with, because she's pretty cool in a quirky kind of way, and I need more friends that are into certain kinds of interests like she is.

 

We were dating casually for about a month and she was really into it, always talking about the next date right after each one we went on, and we hooked up at her place and all that, and she would contact me often. Then randomly one day she just said I don't think we're romantically compatible and said we can just be friends if I'd like. I was pretty surprised and didn't see it coming but I wasn't super bummed out about it because I just wanted to date casually and have some fun for a little while, not necessarily seeing anything long-term with her. So it was okay, even though at first I was a bit shocked (on second thought it might have been that I didn't go out of my way to come out to see her at an event one weekend or set up something for Valentine's, because I thought it was too early and she seemed like she didn't care much for it, and I didn't want to make a big deal about it; when I brought these up, she denied they had anything to do with it and said I acted perfectly fine, though I have my doubts).

 

Anyway my response to her saying we should just be friends was, well okay that's fine, it's no biggie, I wasn't trying to do anything serious anyway, but then I tried going into an explanation for why I wasn't that romantic since I was afraid of making commitments and going too deep too fast. A few texts after that kind of maybe came across as me trying to see why it happened and get her back, but not that much. Eventually I was just like "yeah let's just hang out as friends sometime, it's all good". She said she'd be really busy the next weekend but maybe could take some time out after that. I mentioned some inside joke between us and a reference to some movie she should see, and tried taking the tone of a casual friend, and then said see ya later, but she never responded after that, and it's been over two weeks since I've heard from her.

 

My main question is, when girls call off some dating relatively early into it and say "let's just be friends", do they usually really mean the being friends part or is that just something they say to soften it, thinking that you as a guy won't want that and you will just both part ways and that's it. I wonder if she's hoping I took the hint that she just doesn't want to see me in any way or hang out, but was being polite/nice about it? It's possible my actions during that last week, especially after Valentines, caused her to think I'm just a jerk. But other than that, we got along rather well together and have a lot of similarities in personality and interests.

 

On the other hand, she may think that I actually secretly still want to get with her and try to make it work (and the whole "friend" thing is just an attempt to see her again), but I really don't, at least not anymore. I'm thinking of contacting her again after not interacting for a couple of weeks, but I'm on the fence about it. It has to be handled right or else she'll just see me as being desperate and trying to "get her back", which I'm really not. The fact that she said she'd be busy the next weekend and hasn't said anything since isn't really a good sign... Or maybe she just doesn't want to give me the wrong idea by initiating contact again and just thinks if I wanted to, I would do it?

 

I mean it's one thing to get rejected in romance, which can happen a lot and we all get used to, but it kind of sucks to be rejected altogether as a person and friend..

[preraph]

Well, whether she means it or not, you won't know yet. She very well may be just find just being friends with you since she is the one who called it off first. So all you can do it see if you end up doing things as friends or not. It sounds like you probably should be friends to me. So good luck. And you should both make a mutual agreement up front not to get in the way when the other starts dating someone and talk about that and what to do when that happens because as you know, most bfs wouldn't want someone you or she slept with hanging around. But if it's the right situation and you both respect those limitations, then it can work out, if you all do things together but once partnered up, not try to be alone together and mess each other up.

[privategal]

As a girl....OFTEN times..."lets be friends" is softening the blow.

2 weeks later you arent writing or chasing so you still have your dignity.

She likely has someone else of at least another fwb.

DO NOT write...AT ALL.

It will only stroke her ego.

Your in a good spot.

Operate like u will never hear from her again.

If she writes, Id ignore.

When she ended there was no talking it out or hey I see these problems..its more...Im done, I call the shots, you be my friend or take off..chase me or you get no friendship.

Its shallow and do NOT stroke her ego.

You liked her romantically..not seriously...so friendship wasnt your goal anyway.

You can do better.

[elaine567]

Then randomly one day she just said I don't think we're romantically compatible and said we can just be friends if I'd like.

 

She doesn't really want to be friends with you.

 

Then randomly one day she just said I don't think we're romantically compatible and said we can just be friends if I'd like.

 

"Casually" dating, "hooking up", you forgetting Valentines, you not making time to see her, was NOT what she wanted.

She was mad keen, you weren't "romantic" - she dumps you.

She is no doubt feeling used, I would not hold my breath if I were you concerning the "friendship".

[sb6052]

I know I kind of let her down. I even asked her what she wanted out of the whole thing and said that I thought she just wanted something casual. She said yeah that's what she thought at first but now she's not sure... Which is kind of a hint that I didn't lead it in a direction she liked.

 

It's a bit of a pity though; we really did have strikingly similar personalities in some ways and could have been great friends in other circumstances. I picked up on some subtle things she did in the way she approached things that I've never seen anyone else but myself do; it almost made me feel uncomfortable that I saw so much of myself in her, including flaws or aspects of my own personality that I didn't quite like as much too. At first this just weirded me out and made me keep my distance, but as time went on, I kind of warmed up toward it internally. Then it just ended suddenly.

 

I'll admit that toward the end of it I actually started developing some feelings (which I kept to myself and didn't tell her about), but I'm totally past that now and can see us just being friends. Like I said, we have some unique interests that I don't share with many others, and I wanted to get more friends who are into those kinds of things since the rest of mine aren't...

 

Hmmm. You know what, screw it, I got nothing to lose if I try to just be friendly and reinitiate things on a purely platonic basis. If she ignores it or turns it down, oh well, at least I know for sure. I just got to set down the ground rules first and let her know that I'm past everything and there's nothing to worry about. As well as apologize for maybe being a bit of an ass haha.

Edited March 6, 2016 by sb6052