Meet up with ex gone horribly wrong - DONT BREAK NC! (Updated)

[JDam]

Hey guys,

 

Its been almost 9 months that we broke up (he broke up with me out of the blue saying he hates my mood swings). I deleted him everywhere and never talked to him ever again (only replied to HIS text message from summer where he said he wanted to thank me for the great time I spent with him, that I had a huge and positive impact on him, but does not regret breaking up with me), I kept strict NC. He is now studying abroad but is coming back home very soon. About 3 weeks ago, I got a postcard from him saying that there's been enough silence and that he is sending me this postcard of a cat (we both love cats) and that he is living a boring life abroad and goes on trips from time to time. To that I replied very politely via email and he responded too. Then we exchanged about 3 long emails about how our has been so far, school, work etc. (nothing!! about the past, break up etc.). Then he said he sent me a letter with a few words about something he would not want to send via email or tell me in person and that it's something that would sound silly in an email. So I got the handwritten letter where he basically says what he's already said to me in the text message four months ago: Im such a great, intelligent "kitty" (he used to call me that when we were together), that he will never forget the time we spent together, I taught him so much, he grew as a person etc. etc. (talking only about the positive things and no longer mentioned he has no regrets about the break up - he only said he does not regret any moment we spent together). He also said that he does not think it is right not to be in contact with ex partners and that if people do not break up for awful reasons he does not see a problem to meet up from time to time and catch up (very strange and inconsiderate because the break up was very ugly). At the end of the letter he said that he hopes and believes that we will meet up once he comes back (suggesting it should be for something to eat/drink...) AND that he is sending me "the warmest greetings to the cosiest nest at my home" (Im translating this, but the word "nest" has very affectionate connotations in my language, it's usually used in conversations between bf/gf).

 

I have no idea why he is doing this. What is your perspective guys? I think it's just very odd he sent the letter after I was actually able to talk to him in a neutral way in the emails and not bring up the past. I don't understand why he needed to state what he's already told me and why he suddenly wants to keep in touch (he also said he would would hate to lose me for good and not to know how Im doing).

[Amelie1980]

How bad and how often were your mood swings? How did you treat him during them? Did you go quiet or angry and shout, etc? How ugly was the break up?

 

Im not sure. If he had been away for a bit then maybe he wants to see a familar face to catch up when he is home, or maybe he wants some sex ...who knows.

 

Have you thought of asking him?

[stillafool]

Hey guys,

 

He also said that he does not think it is right not to be in contact with ex partners and that if people do not break up for awful reasons he does not see a problem to meet up from time to time and catch up

 

He just wants to be friends again. Maybe being alone over there has made him lonely. He apologized for any wrong doing he may have done and that's the best way to make friends. I wouldn't suggest you let him friendzone you unless you are completely over him. Also if you are not over him please don't make the mistake of having sex with him or you will feel awful because you will have down graded to a FWB.

[JDam]

Amelie1980 said:

How bad and how often were your mood swings? How did you treat him during them? Did you go quiet or angry and shout, etc? How ugly was the break up?

 

Im not sure. If he had been away for a bit then maybe he wants to see a familar face to catch up when he is home, or maybe he wants some sex ...who knows.

 

Have you thought of asking him?

 

I dont know, I honestly dont think I was so bad. I think we argue just like any other couple does from time to time. But I think most of the time it was not my mood swings but something about him that I did not like and then we had an argument.

 

No, I dont want to ask. I feel like I would just hurt my pride if I asked about anything like that...

 

stillafool said:

He just wants to be friends again. Maybe being alone over there has made him lonely. He apologized for any wrong doing he may have done and that's the best way to make friends. I wouldn't suggest you let him friendzone you unless you are completely over him. Also if you are not over him please don't make the mistake of having sex with him or you will feel awful because you will have down graded to a FWB.

 

Well, he never apologized, he never acknowledged his horrible behavior (he broke up with me over phone... After 2 years).

 

Edited January 29, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[pidgeon1010]

He sounds like a tool. Didn't even have the decency to break up with you in person after two years!!!!

 

He now wants a friendship on his terms and I suspect he would be more than happy if ended up being a FWB situation.

 

When you break up with someone, you lose the right to dictate when/if a friendship will develop. A dumper can't pick and choose which parts of the broken relationship or an individual he/she wants to keep holding on to for his/her benefit.

 

I would ignore him.

[JDam]

He sounds like a tool. Didn't even have the decency to break up with you in person after two years!!!!

 

He now wants a friendship on his terms and I suspect he would be more than happy if ended up being a FWB situation.

 

When you break up with someone, you lose the right to dictate when/if a friendship will develop. A dumper can't pick and choose which parts of the broken relationship or an individual he/she wants to keep holding on to for his/her benefit.

 

I would ignore him.

 

Yeah, he is acking like a little girl. I mean, had I not insisted that we talk in person the night we broke up I probably would have been left without further explanation. Well, soft of explanation because we almost broke up a week before that but eventually did not because he said it would be a mistake and he said we would try to save it but I felt I was the one who was working on it, he was really cold to me. But it all came out of the blue, we had no crisis. This all happened within about 2 weeks after he kept saying he was happy and in live with me.

 

Then I got the message after 3 months after the break up when he was abroad, and he also sent this card and letter from abroad. What a pu**y. He cant even man up to be able to communicate with a woman in person. He said he is sending the letter because HE thinks it is the most appropriate form of communicating important things.

 

And you are absolutely right. Its just mindblowing that he has the courtesy to say that HE thinks there has been enough silence, HE finds no problem to meet up to catch up from time to time, HE does not think it is right if ex partners do not talk. What a piece of crap! He is not talking to any of his exes.

 

And btw, I think the main reason we broke up was that there was this stupid bimbo who got into his head but she is obviously just playing with him (he has been trying to get for the last couple of months), then he really liked this other girl who obviously turned him down. Grass wasnt greener afterall. Also, I think he wanted to be single before going abroad, he thought it would be amazing to get rid of me. Now he is saying how amazing I am and that he will never forget. What a ....

[marky00]

You go girl !!!!!!

 

Don't let this geezer back into your life.

 

Do it for all us fellow dumpees

 

I once was a dumper and realised I made a mistake and went straight into reconcilaition mode 3 days later. This geezer has put you on ice for months and is now possibly trying to work his way back in. People do make mistakes and sometimes need a few days or weeks to work through their feelings properly. But a few months is totally unacceptable.

 

Hell No !!!

 

Audios

 

p.s. let me give you a little secret. If you go cold as ice on this guy right now, it will drive him crazy. He seems governed by his ego. Dent his ego and he wont know what hit him.

Edited December 10, 2015 by marky00

[JDam]

You go girl !!!!!!

 

Don't let this geezer back into your life.

 

Do it for all us fellow dumpees

 

I once was a dumper and realised I made a mistake and went straight into reconcilaition mode 3 days later. This geezer has put you on ice for months and is now possibly trying to work his way back in. People do make mistakes and sometimes need a few days or weeks to work through their feelings properly. But a few months is totally unacceptable.

 

Hell No !!!

 

Audios

You are right! Though a friend of mine had the same thing happen to her. Her boyfriend went abroad, broke up with her, hooked up with some girls there, only to crawl back to her after about 5 months where he admitted he made a mistake. I dont think it is my case though. But maybe he wants to meet up and see how it goes. However, there is no way I would rely on any false hope. I will not risk being back to square one after so man months of improving myself.

 

 

p.s. let me give you a little secret. If you go cold as ice on this guy right now, it will drive him crazy. He seems governed by his ego. Dent his ego and he wont know what hit him.

YES!!! It will drive him crazy because I was nice in my reply to the postcard and he is probably expecting I will swoon over this piece of crap that he wrote and meet him right after he comes back (which is I think next week). Not a prayer Im doing this.

[marky00]

Yeh didnt mean to give u false hope. I agree that as it stands I dont think he is after reconcilaition. At least not right now.

 

Like me, u probably have this gut feeling that he really isn't coming back. However, ego is a funny thing and male dumpers are well known for changing their minds based on ego purely.

 

Keep following your path. You are doing well.

[JDam]

Yeh didnt mean to give u false hope. I agree that as it stands I dont think he is after reconcilaition. At least not right now.

 

Like me, u probably have this gut feeling that he really isn't coming back. However, ego is a funny thing and male dumpers are well known for changing their minds based on ego purely.

 

Keep following your path. You are doing well.

Well, my take on the situation is that he is super confused and desperate. He thought that he would get this bimbo he was after but had no luck. Then another girl turned him down. He is abroad in a country and school he does not really like (that's what I understand from his emails), does not have a lot of friends so he is looking for a familiar face who did love him a lot for guidance. Yeah, I have a gut feeling he is not coming back, at least he is not ready for full commitment yet again. Maybe he is just testing the waters to see how it goes if we meet up.

[Cherryz]

Doesn't look like a inlove i want you back letter.

 

He think he is coming back and trys to have some friends or things to do there

so he contacts you.

 

I would move on. And dont make or think anything special out of this.

[Cherryz]

And thumbs up for you for not breaking nc.

Keep your amazing life going. Ex is ex for a reason!

[Meli22]

He is either releasing his guilt by sending you "nice" messages and brushing your bruised ego. Or, he's testing the waters to see how much he has you "there" still. Either way, don't fall for this BS. If he genuinely wants you back, the first thing he should be saying is "hey I made a mistake, I'd like to give things a shot." I had an ex come back once after around 9 months. His first message was "I want you back." Give him his due, he tried. And this is the kind of message a dumper should be delivering IF they want in.

 

The very fact that you're questioning his motives shows that he's reeling you back into his manipulative spell. Don't fall for it! Either ask him straight up what he wants, or carry on your no contact.

[pidgeon1010]

Even if he was hinting at reconciliation, I wouldn't give him the time of day unless there is a sincere discussion on the "why" and "what's different". If he wants you back because others have rejected him, as soon as someone else strikes his fancy, he will leave you again. You're not his first choice.

 

He wanted to be single so he could explore abroad and now that's almost over, he wants to get the "old familiar" on backup. The timing of his contact is no coincidence. He is trying to lay the groundwork before he gets back so he has you lined up for "friendship."

[JDam]

And thumbs up for you for not breaking nc.

Keep your amazing life going. Ex is ex for a reason!

Thanks! Strangely, I never had a problem with going no contact and not talking to him at all. I had about 2 "weak" moments when I got really pissed and wanted to tell him how angry I am. So I wrote up a letter, but never sent it (and was not even close to sending it). The effect was the same and I kept my dignity.

 

He is either releasing his guilt by sending you "nice" messages and brushing your bruised ego. Or, he's testing the waters to see how much he has you "there" still. Either way, don't fall for this BS. If he genuinely wants you back, the first thing he should be saying is "hey I made a mistake, I'd like to give things a shot." I had an ex come back once after around 9 months. His first message was "I want you back." Give him his due, he tried. And this is the kind of message a dumper should be delivering IF they want in.

 

The very fact that you're questioning his motives shows that he's reeling you back into his manipulative spell. Don't fall for it! Either ask him straight up what he wants, or carry on your no contact.

 

Yeah, you're right. However, sometimes I think that "I want to you back" would happen in a perfect word where people have no ego (and he has a HUGE ego). I was super strict about NC and deleted him just everywhere immediately. So I would understand his fear. But its the risk the dumpers have to take if they want back. But I dont think that's what he wants, he is just confused that his plans did not work out.

 

Yeah, of course he is kinda reeling me back. He was my first and only, which makes everything even more difficult. Also, Im 4 years older than he is.

 

Even if he was hinting at reconciliation, I wouldn't give him the time of day unless there is a sincere discussion on the "why" and "what's different". If he wants you back because others have rejected him, as soon as someone else strikes his fancy, he will leave you again. You're not his first choice.

 

He wanted to be single so he could explore abroad and now that's almost over, he wants to get the "old familiar" on backup. The timing of his contact is no coincidence. He is trying to lay the groundwork before he gets back so he has you lined up for "friendship."

Yes, I also think the timing stinks. Christmas is coming up and if we were still together it would soon be our 3rd anniversary.

 

However, I also want to point out that he does not need me as a friend. I mean, we have no mutual friends, and if we ever meet again it will be a coincidence. It's not like we have kids or work together where getting along would be appropriate. That's why I dont understand his interest in being a friend.

[sowhynot]

Meet up for something to eat and drink ? Maybe go for a second bottle ?? See you home to make sure you're okay ????

 

 

 

C'mon, that's a booty letter - he should have saved the effort and just written 'fancy a sh*g ?' !!!!!

 

And the reason it's a letter is that it takes a smidge more effort than an email plus it's a bit classier and he's stupid enough to think you're more likely to fall for it.

 

 

 

Treat him with the contempt he deserves.

Edited December 10, 2015 by sowhynot
Changed postcard into letter....plus duff spelling. ..

[JDam]

Meet up for something to eat and drink ? Maybe go for a second bottle ?? See you home to make sure you're okay ????

 

C'mon, that's a booty letter - he should have saved the effort and just written 'fancy a sh*g ?' !!!!!

 

And the reason it's a letter is that it takes a smidge more effort than an email plus it's a bit classier and he's stupid enough to think you're more likely to fall for it.

 

Treat him with the contempt he deserves.

 

hahahah yeah! Actually the fact he wrote he is sending "the warmest greetings to the coziest nest at my home" is just plain crazy and weird. Not sure what that sounds like to a native speaker but in my language its a rather affectionate word you would tell your lover or pet, certainly not to a friend :D

[sowhynot]

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

 

 

The NC guide has it right - unless it's a complete 180, completely ignore.

 

 

To which I'd add that you need to be aware that there are scoundrels out there who will talk the apology just to try to sleep with you again - I'd be very wary about an evening meet up !

 

 

It's what I would do - if I was a scoundrel . . . ..

[JDam]

The NC guide has it right - unless it's a complete 180, completely ignore.

 

 

To which I'd add that you need to be aware that there are scoundrels out there who will talk the apology just to try to sleep with you again - I'd be very wary about an evening meet up !

 

 

It's what I would do - if I was a scoundrel . . . ..

 

I messed it up then. I sent him a very sweet email regarding the postcard and then we exchanged a few emails where I gave out info about myself (what Im doing etc.). Well, at least I did not bring up the past at all. I should have ignored it all Well at least Im not replying to the letter.

[pidgeon1010]

Thanks! Strangely, I never had a problem with going no contact and not talking to him at all. I had about 2 "weak" moments when I got really pissed and wanted to tell him how angry I am. So I wrote up a letter, but never sent it (and was not even close to sending it). The effect was the same and I kept my dignity.

 

 

 

Yeah, you're right. However, sometimes I think that "I want to you back" would happen in a perfect word where people have no ego (and he has a HUGE ego). I was super strict about NC and deleted him just everywhere immediately. So I would understand his fear. But its the risk the dumpers have to take if they want back. But I dont think that's what he wants, he is just confused that his plans did not work out.

 

Yeah, of course he is kinda reeling me back. He was my first and only, which makes everything even more difficult. Also, Im 4 years older than he is.

 

 

Yes, I also think the timing stinks. Christmas is coming up and if we were still together it would soon be our 3rd anniversary.

 

However, I also want to point out that he does not need me as a friend. I mean, we have no mutual friends, and if we ever meet again it will be a coincidence. It's not like we have kids or work together where getting along would be appropriate. That's why I dont understand his interest in being a friend.

 

I put friendship in quote because I think his likely motive is he wants to sleep with you. He's coming back into town and probably sees you as easy prey. He sent those messages likely to see if you would bite. Isn't it presumptuous of him to think that after 9 months, you haven't moved on with another guy and would actually entertain meeting him from time to time. His ego is through the roof. As I said before, I'd ignore him.

[JDam]

I put friendship in quote because I think his likely motive is he wants to sleep with you. He's coming back into town and probably sees you as easy prey. He sent those messages likely to see if you would bite. Isn't it presumptuous of him to think that after 9 months, you haven't moved on with another guy and would actually entertain meeting him from time to time. His ego is through the roof. As I said before, I'd ignore him.

I think you are spot on because his previous ex downgraded to being his FWB. I know this because I never liked her and could not put my finger on what it was (I did not care about the other exes), then he later admitted to me they slept together several times after they broke up. I always hated this fact about him (that's why he is referring to my opinion on ex partners in the letter - I did not like that he behaved like that and it was extremely uncomfortable for me to see them even close to each other because images if them together would always pop in my head). Btw, he broke up with the previous ex (not the one I just mentioned) because he cheated on her. I should have known better

[mightycpa]

There's been enough silence. I'm abroad, living this bored life. I thought I'd break the ice and get in touch.

 

 

What you should have replied with:

.

 

Because you replied with something else, that's why he's doing this to you. In other words, because you invited it.

Edited December 10, 2015 by mightycpa

[JDam]

What you should have replied with:

 

Because you replied with something else, that's why he's doing this to you. In other words, because you invited it.

 

Yeah I was confused and did not know what he wanted, at first I even thought the postcard was a nice gesture so I wanted to be nice back

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Playing devil's advocate here to offer a different view,

even if I don't completely agree with it and think other posters are true:

 

 

---

To be fair, there's always two sides to each and every story,

As much as I'd agree with you here, the details seem gory,

Your responses are full of anger, and you gloat about not bringing up the past,

Yet you're the one full of judgement and the hurt seems to appear real fast.

 

Do I think you should protect yourself? Of course! As much as you can!

However, I think deep down you still miss him, from what I can understand.

 

but something about him that I did not like and then we had an argument.

A justification for your arguments, no clear reason for it,

He avoids bringing it up, but you act as if your child was just bit.

The root of those arguments, fault not being assigned, in this case,

Will be the root of your relationship, should you see this opportunity not fall to waste.

 

To me it seems that you have unresolved issues, and an unruly falling out,

Did he break up with you because of moving abroad? Probably, but not something he'd shout.

Is he looking just for a piece of ass when returning from his time abroad?

In some cases, I'd say yes, but it'd wouldn't be hard to see through that facade.

 

His letter angers you, it seems, because he became romantic,

And in your eyes, he's not deserving of this because of his antics,

However, it's seems painfully obvious that he affects you as much,

It could be because of your anger, or your longing for his touch.

 

Personally, I think a connection could be made from the problems you faced,

I think opportunities present themselves, and you shouldn't let it go to waste.

Have a dinner with him, but don't give him sex if you think that's what he's after,

Be sure to ask his intentions, and you could be surprised with an evening of laughter.

 

I'm not excusing this guy from the past hurts and the past problems,

I'm happy you think you've moved on, but yet to find an answer to solve em,

If you don't want him in your life, then stop responding to his crumbs,

But if you are curious, make him do the work, don't let him sit on this thumbs.

[JDam]

Playing devil's advocate here to offer a different view,

even if I don't completely agree with it and think other posters are true:

 

 

---

To be fair, there's always two sides to each and every story,

As much as I'd agree with you here, the details seem gory,

Your responses are full of anger, and you gloat about not bringing up the past,

Yet you're the one full of judgement and the hurt seems to appear real fast.

 

Uh, what?? Do you blame me? I was with this guy for 2 years and he was my first in everything. We planned our future together, he would always himself bring up marriage, having kids, he bought furniture to my apt and talked about moving in. Then all of a sudden he changed and the relationship was gone in about two weeks after he said something suddenly "broke" inside of him. He did not even have the courtesy to face me, he coldly broke up with me over phone after I called him and was a ****ing coward to even go pick up his things at my apt. He said he had drunk wine so he could come later. He was really rude to me during the break up. How can anyone blame me for being angry when he has the courtesy to now act as if nothing happened and say HE thinks theres been enough silence, HE thins this and that is not right etc.

 

 

Do I think you should protect yourself? Of course! As much as you can!

However, I think deep down you still miss him, from what I can understand.

 

A justification for your arguments, no clear reason for it,

He avoids bringing it up, but you act as if your child was just bit.

The root of those arguments, fault not being assigned, in this case,

Will be the root of your relationship, should you see this opportunity not fall to waste.

 

To me it seems that you have unresolved issues, and an unruly falling out,

Did he break up with you because of moving abroad? Probably, but not something he'd shout.

Is he looking just for a piece of ass when returning from his time abroad?

In some cases, I'd say yes, but it'd wouldn't be hard to see through that facade.

What unresolved issues? I didnt contact him at all, he initiated contact second time to tell me how he feels and Im having unresolved issues? I dont even want to talk about it with him, I dont seek closure, I do not intend to tell him how Im feeling about the situation. He is having unresolved issues if he still has the need to blaaah blaaah about his feelings in a letter. 9 months later.