Meet up with ex gone horribly wrong - DONT BREAK NC! (Updated)

[kztar]

Not a good guy. He wanted to be your friend. Seriously. SMH

[JDam]

Not a good guy. He wanted to be your friend. Seriously. SMH

Was that ironic?

 

Yeah, it is something that HE wants. In fact it is all about him. He just cant understand I just cant be friends unless he addresses his disgraceful behavior during and post break up. I must have pissed him off because he reacted by deleting the very few pictures he kept on his profile, as well as deleting all my old comments. That kinda contradicts what he said in the letter: I dont regret a second spent with you, I grew so much, had the best time of my life etc.

Edited March 4, 2016 by JDam

[Heatemyheart89]

Hey this is horrible for you but you know now about where he stands. This is a fresh start for you. You will be just fine

[Lobouspo]

Well, you obviously still have feelings for him, or you wouldn't have been upset. Another suggestion, go NC on social media, don't check out facebook, twitter, whatspp, none of that. The goal should be indifference towards him

[JDam]

Thanks guys!

 

Feelings? Well, certainly, but not feelings of love, Id say the opposite. The same can be said about him since he reacted to my last text (where I tell him to leave me alone for good) by deleting even my old comments from his social media. So he is not indifferent either.

 

I just dont understand how anyone can be so selfish and expect that the person who you broke up with over phone will talk to you without you apologizing and will be willing to be friends. And if they refuse and say you are acting disrespectfully you get really angry.

[2much4]

Thanks guys!

I just dont understand how anyone can be so selfish and expect that the person who you broke up with over phone will talk to you without you apologizing and will be willing to be friends. And if they refuse and say you are acting disrespectfully you get really angry.

 

I understand this feeling so well. Another user on here told me the following:

 

You may think them apologising benefits you. It doesn't, it benefits them. Closure comes from within. An apology from him won't make you feel better.

 

However, it would mean that he has recognised his behaviour was wrong. This would make it possible for him to change- not for you but for the next woman. It would change his life for the better while not making any difference for you.

 

As long as you feel he owes you an apology there's no point being friends with him. In a few more months you won't even care enough to want an apology.

 

English is not my native language so I haven't worded it very well, but I hope you understoood what I wanted to say.

[JDam]

I think he is taking it a little too far. Not only that he deleted all of my old comments I made under his photos, he even took the time to go to MY profile and delete HIS comments under my photos. Isnt that insane? He is the dumper, broke up with me over a year ago, he reached out to me and I declined his proposal for "friendship" because whatever I did he would interpret as me wanting to reconcile. I thought it was just exhausting to be in this position and actually told him to never contact me ever again after being so arrogant. He gets so angry and does this... I deleted him from friends and our photos after we broke up a year ago... but seriously... Im the dumpee and he treated me poorly... But going to the other person's profile and deleting your old comments?!? That's really too much.

 

It just makes you wonder who is this person that you were once close with... How does it happen that you become such enemies? Sad

[CarrieT]

Actually, many people here recommend doing that very thing if that is what helps a person heal.

 

If you had blocked him on social media, you wouldn't have known he did this anyway...

[JDam]

I understand that removing pics of you together is supposed to help you heal because there is no way for any person to randomly comment or like your old photos and remind you of it. But what is the point of going to the other person's profile and deleting your own comments if that person removed you from friends a year ago? It just puzzles me. It did not even cross my mind to go to his profile and delete my comments from his photos. It just really shows a lot of anger and has nothing to do with healing... Especially since he is the dumper...

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand that removing pics of you together is supposed to help you heal because there is no way for any person to randomly comment or like your old photos and remind you of it. But what is the point of going to the other person's profile and deleting your own comments if that person removed you from friends a year ago? It just puzzles me. It did not even cross my mind to go to his profile and delete my comments from his photos. It just really shows a lot of anger and has nothing to do with healing... Especially since he is the dumper...

 

Just because that's not how you'd react doesn't mean that it's an incorrect way to react. People deal with things in different ways -- who are you to say what's the right way and what's the wrong way?

 

Either way, you shouldn't know this information. The fact that you do is troubling. You need to stop keeping tabs.

[d0nnivain]

I think his behavior is appropriate. The fact you don't understand why he wants no trace of something that causes him pain makes no sense to me.

[Marco Valerio]

Hi Jdam,

 

I agree with everyone else. He's not part of your life anymore, neither you are to his. So what's the problem of deleting your shared history? If that's his way of moving on with his life...you have to respect him, HE'S NOT HARMING YOU at all.

I also did something alike to move on with my life. My ex didn't complain, because it's understandable.

[JDam]

I think his behavior is ridiculous to say the least. Going to MY profile and taking the time to delete a comment under my photos.. Is just sick. Because we have no mutual friends so he is only doing this to intentionally hurt me because the comment is not harming him either. He is just super angry that I wasnt willing to be friends on his own terms after he accused me of wanting to reconcile because I agreed to a meet up HE proposed. Im repeating that he is the dumper and was super cruel to me during the break up.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think his behavior is ridiculous to say the least. Going to MY profile and taking the time to delete a comment under my photos.. Is just sick. Because we have no mutual friends so he is only doing this to intentionally hurt me because the comment is not harming him either. He is just super angry that I wasnt willing to be friends on his own terms after he accused me of wanting to reconcile because I agreed to a meet up HE proposed. Im repeating that he is the dumper and was super cruel to me during the break up.

And is, according to you, continuing to be so.

 

You need to distance yourself from him and do likewise.

 

The question is never, ever "Why is s/he doing....?"

 

The question should always be - "What do I do now?"

 

And what you do, is whatever is in your best interest, for your own well-being, healing and progress.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature.

And get down to it.

[Blanco]

You mentioned in your original thread that he broke up with you because he was tired of your mood swings. I'll be honest: A lot of your posts here convey a confrontational, easily flustered personality.

 

None of us here know the dynamics of your relationship; just what you've shared with us. Still, the way you speak of him and the relationship makes it sound like you're not one to concede from your opinions. Example: You have, in your mind, a specific way he should be conducting himself post-breakup. He isn't. Instead of considering that he's just trying to fully sever ties and move on, you've labeled him as sick and angry.

 

Also, you keep mentioning that he should be acting a certain way because he's the dumper. But it sounds like he left you mostly because of your mood swings. I can speak from experience on both ends that mood swings will just cannibalize just about any relationship. So yes, he chose to leave, but that doesn't mean it was an easy situation for him.

 

And just to clarify, I'm not defending him. I'm merely looking at things from all angles. You two aren't together anymore, so you owe each other nothing. Not everything he does or doesn't do is intended to hurt you or provoke a response. I think you're still upset about how things went down, so you're extra sensitive to just about anything he does. It's not unusual, but you'll find this whole process easier to move on from if you don't insist that he's 100 percent the bad guy and you're 100 percent the victim.

[JDam]

You mentioned in your original thread that he broke up with you because he was tired of your mood swings. I'll be honest: A lot of your posts here convey a confrontational, easily flustered personality.

 

None of us here know the dynamics of your relationship; just what you've shared with us. Still, the way you speak of him and the relationship makes it sound like you're not one to concede from your opinions. Example: You have, in your mind, a specific way he should be conducting himself post-breakup. He isn't. Instead of considering that he's just trying to fully sever ties and move on, you've labeled him as sick and angry.

 

Also, you keep mentioning that he should be acting a certain way because he's the dumper. But it sounds like he left you mostly because of your mood swings. I can speak from experience on both ends that mood swings will just cannibalize just about any relationship. So yes, he chose to leave, but that doesn't mean it was an easy situation for him.

 

And just to clarify, I'm not defending him. I'm merely looking at things from all angles. You two aren't together anymore, so you owe each other nothing. Not everything he does or doesn't do is intended to hurt you or provoke a response. I think you're still upset about how things went down, so you're extra sensitive to just about anything he does. It's not unusual, but you'll find this whole process easier to move on from if you don't insist that he's 100 percent the bad guy and you're 100 percent the victim.

Im sorry but I think you are wrong. He did the dumping in a really cruel way over phone, then decided to ignore me and not even say hello after the break up after I did nothing to him, I didnt cheat or lie etc. I told him to never contact me ever again and he kept breaking it. Texting me to tell me about HIS fellings after 3 months and then also after 8 months. I was willing to give a try and talk to him but only after I told him "it was nice, do you want to join me next week [instert a place we talked about at the meet up]" he is like "if you were willing to meet up only to reconcile then Im sorry to give you a reason". I think his whole point was to make me go and then do something like this to hurt me again, to reject me one for time and to humiliate me because his ego got a major blow after I never reached out to him and went full NC.

[candie13]

What he's doing is called "the clean up". He cleans up after himself so there are no more traces of you two. Perhaps he meet someone else and doesnt want to endanger that. Maybe he wants to meet someone else... Plus, it's been like a year since the break up, why are you reacting like that?

 

I'd take a mental note of this, perhaps think he's a bit of a d*ck, shrug my shoulders and delete my own comments too.

 

Clean slate. Fresh start. New beginnings. If You keep looking back, you can't go forward.

 

Cheers, OP, don't freat about this. these are mere details. It's not what makes or breaks a friendship. Let him do his thing, whatevs

[JDam]

And is, according to you, continuing to be so.

 

You need to distance yourself from him and do likewise.

 

The question is never, ever "Why is s/he doing....?"

 

The question should always be - "What do I do now?"

 

And what you do, is whatever is in your best interest, for your own well-being, healing and progress.

 

Read the NC Guide in my signature.

And get down to it.

 

Thank you, Tara. I will! I should have listened to your advice a month ago when you told me to keep NC and dont meet up. Then this whole confrontation would not have happened in the first place.

[candie13]

What he's doing is called "the clean up". He cleans up after himself so there are no more traces of you two. Perhaps he meet someone else and doesnt want to endanger that. Maybe he wants to meet someone else... Plus, it's been like a year since the break up, why are you reacting like that?

 

I'd take a mental note of this, perhaps think he's a bit of a d*ck, shrug my shoulders and delete my own comments too.

 

Clean slate. Fresh start. New beginnings. If You keep looking back, you can't go forward.

 

Cheers, OP, don't freat about this. these are mere details. It's not what makes or breaks a friendship. Let him do his thing, whatevs

I did the same with my ex, but I was furious when I deleted everything. After That, I felt in peace. It was important to me to do it.

[JDam]

What he's doing is called "the clean up". He cleans up after himself so there are no more traces of you two. Perhaps he meet someone else and doesnt want to endanger that. Maybe he wants to meet someone else... Plus, it's been like a year since the break up, why are you reacting like that?

 

I'd take a mental note of this, perhaps think he's a bit of a d*ck, shrug my shoulders and delete my own comments too.

 

Clean slate. Fresh start. New beginnings. If You keep looking back, you can't go forward.

 

Cheers, OP, don't freat about this. these are mere details. It's not what makes or breaks a friendship. Let him do his thing, whatevs

 

Thank you so much!

 

Perhaps he meet someone else and doesnt want to endanger that. Maybe he wants to meet someone else...

Yeah, but I dont understand how a comment with a simple "Nice :-*" could endanger it, especially since they cant even see it. But oh well, he is just angry.

[candie13]

Im sorry but I think you are wrong. He did the dumping in a really cruel way over phone, then decided to ignore me and not even say hello after the break up after I did nothing to him, I didnt cheat or lie etc. I told him to never contact me ever again and he kept breaking it. Texting me to tell me about HIS fellings after 3 months and then also after 8 months. I was willing to give a try and talk to him but only after I told him "it was nice, do you want to join me next week [instert a place we talked about at the meet up]" he is like "if you were willing to meet up only to reconcile then Im sorry to give you a reason". I think his whole point was to make me go and then do something like this to hurt me again, to reject me one for time and to humiliate me because his ego got a major blow after I never reached out to him and went full NC.

 

Dumpers hurt too, You know. It's a complicated process. Stick to Tara's advice & focus on what's good for You. What helps You move on. Sure, he made contact, but he did this to alleviate his guilt trips or to dump some of his anger onto You.

 

We're all doing our best to make our own lives easier. Do The same. Think: is this bringing me smth or taking smth away from me? Let go of The hurt & anger and of him & focus on healing. Your healing.

 

So he deletes The comments & pics, so what? He cannot undo the RS. He cannot take back The time & experience You two shared together. Honor the past, come to terms with reality, accept reality and switftly move along.. Staying angry at him for something he's doing... You cannot guess his motives. That belongs to him. Keep your side of the street clean. Really. Cheers

[JDam]

Dumpers hurt too, You know. It's a complicated process. Stick to Tara's advice & focus on what's good for You. What helps You move on. Sure, he made contact, but he did this to alleviate his guilt trips or to dump some of his anger onto You.

 

We're all doing our best to make our own lives easier. Do The same. Think: is this bringing me smth or taking smth away from me? Let go of The hurt & anger and of him & focus on healing. Your healing.

 

So he deletes The comments & pics, so what? He cannot undo the RS. He cannot take back The time & experience You two shared together. Honor the past, come to terms with reality, accept reality and switftly move along.. Staying angry at him for something he's doing... You cannot guess his motives. That belongs to him. Keep your side of the street clean. Really. Cheers

I think you are right. Thank you! Part of the reason why it is difficult to move on is because I just cant bring myself to not being angry at him. It would be different if he had apologized and said "I honor the times we shared, Im sorry I acted like an idiot and hurt you. If you dont want to be friends I understand".

 

But really, I think we are both too stubborn and confrontational to ever be able to talk again. I just cant talk to him like nothing happened unless I get an honest apology because I feel like not getting one and talking to him would validate his behavior and send him the message "it is ok to treat people like this, she is ok with this, guilt alleviated"

[candie13]

Well, if you're angry, be angry. Really. Go running, talk about it and express it, by letting it out. Not to him, though. To The Universe, to The others. Repressed anger is very toxic.

 

Allowing yourself to feel angry Will speed The healing process. If it's anger and pain in front of You, You need to get through it to get over it. No way around it.

 

Plus, The dude also has his own feelings to process, it looks like he can't give you closure. So you have to do that for yourself. Like just... breathe and let all those toxic feelings flow.

 

Stop waiting for apologies, he doesn't see reality from your perspective, so it really cannot happen. It is what it is. Give it some time and things will look better with time.

 

If you keep expecting smth from him, you're tying yourself to your past. You want to move away from it. So accept you may never receive any apology or acknowledgement of any wrong doing. It's out of your hands.

 

Take care of That anger. Heavy burden to carry around and live with.

[JDam]

Well, if you're angry, be angry. Really. Go running, talk about it and express it, by letting it out. Not to him, though. To The Universe, to The others. Repressed anger is very toxic.

 

Allowing yourself to feel angry Will speed The healing process. If it's anger and pain in front of You, You need to get through it to get over it. No way around it.

 

Plus, The dude also has his own feelings to process, it looks like he can't give you closure. So you have to do that for yourself. Like just... breathe and let all those toxic feelings flow.

 

Stop waiting for apologies, he doesn't see reality from your perspective, so it really cannot happen. It is what it is. Give it some time and things will look better with time.

 

If you keep expecting smth from him, you're tying yourself to your past. You want to move away from it. So accept you may never receive any apology or acknowledgement of any wrong doing. It's out of your hands.

 

Take care of That anger. Heavy burden to carry around and live with.

Thank you for this post. After reading some of the other posts I almost started feeling bad for being angry... like I have no reason/right to.

 

Yeah, Im not expecting an apology anymore because I think it would not be sincere since he said "if you feel like I ever hurt you then lets talk, you know I never had a problem to apologize"... Like he wants to me tell him what happened. He clearly does not even realize that, he does not understand that breaking up with someone over phone is just disrespectful.

[candie13]

You are entitled to feel exactly how You feel. Stop judging. The break up happened like it did. Next Time,ask your partner to just meet up face to face.

 

It happened the way it did. It sucks. Big Time.

 

Why don't You exprèss all that in writing? It's an amazing soul searching and relief experiencing exercise. Write him a letter - just don't send it.

 

 

It sounds like you resent him for many things. So accept, embrace your feelings and express them. Everything. Write everything down, it's soooooo liberating!

 

Don't deny your feelings because You Will continue to feel angry and guilty, on top of it. Guilt makes everything worse. Avoid feeling guilty.

 

Repressed feelings take forever to process. Get out of That loop. Work in where You are. Hoping you'd not feel angry & upset won't lead you anywhere. Be honest with yourself. Be very very honest with yourself.