Meet up with ex gone horribly wrong - DONT BREAK NC! (Updated)

[JDam]

Well, she did respond right away. She said 1) he said it on fcb, 2) I consider is as an act of decency among friends.

[marky00]

fcb? i assume u mean Facebook.

 

Well it sounds like she may be genuine and empathizing with you as a fellow female.

 

I cant see how she would respond so quick if she was playing games or lying.

 

This is wyy breaking NC sometimes helps. If she is genuine this information may actually help you. Better than finding out 3 months later they living together and you fly off the handle, when in reality they are only room mates.

Edited January 25, 2016 by marky00

[JDam]

1) I deleted him off all social media. And she knows it well. So no need to pretend like I should know. 2) I dont know, I think it is just unnecessary, you know? We havent talked for months. And she is talking about decency, yet when we were supposed to meet up in August, she cancelled on me. But did not even bother to reply something like "sorry, but I cant make it, Im busy". She just ignored me. That is why I do not consider her as a friend and that is why this talk about decency is just bogus.

[Brando]

Radio Silence! Block everything. Cut out any sign of him from your life. Disappear! He is setting back your healing process whether he knows it or not. When I was the dumper I did very similar things. It eased my guilt and stroked my ego nicely to know I had someone on the hook and someone that would respond with great emotion to my every move. Years later after being dumped I truly feel absolutely awful for that person! I should have gave them the gift of a clean break. It wasn't my fault or her fault my feelings faded, but I should have been much better to the one whose heart I broke.

Anyway, cut him out of your life. He is not respecting your healing process. Love yourself enough to want to heal!! What's done is done and you can take these lessons and grow from them. Either way you will heal and grow, but it's up to you if you want to do it the long painful way or the quickest way. NC!

I wish you all the best and promise in time you will be happy with what the future has in store for you!! (this post was for me as much as it was for you)

[DarkHorizon]

When I was the dumper I did very similar things. It eased my guilt and stroked my ego nicely to know I had someone on the hook and someone that would respond with great emotion to my every move. Years later after being dumped I truly feel absolutely awful for that person! I should have gave them the gift of a clean break. It wasn't my fault or her fault my feelings faded, but I should have been much better to the one whose heart I broke.

Anyway, cut him out of your life. He is not respecting your healing process. Love yourself enough to want to heal!! What's done is done and you can take these lessons and grow from them. Either way you will heal and grow, but it's up to you if you want to do it the long painful way or the quickest way. NC!

 

This post should be copied in every thread haha

It really summarizes a lot of what we write when trying to help each other here. AND from the perspective of the dumper.

Thank you so much for this, Brando.

[JDam]

Radio Silence! Block everything. Cut out any sign of him from your life. Disappear! He is setting back your healing process whether he knows it or not. When I was the dumper I did very similar things. It eased my guilt and stroked my ego nicely to know I had someone on the hook and someone that would respond with great emotion to my every move. Years later after being dumped I truly feel absolutely awful for that person! I should have gave them the gift of a clean break. It wasn't my fault or her fault my feelings faded, but I should have been much better to the one whose heart I broke.

Anyway, cut him out of your life. He is not respecting your healing process. Love yourself enough to want to heal!! What's done is done and you can take these lessons and grow from them. Either way you will heal and grow, but it's up to you if you want to do it the long painful way or the quickest way. NC!

I wish you all the best and promise in time you will be happy with what the future has in store for you!! (this post was for me as much as it was for you)

 

Thank you! Well, but I assume you did not trash talk only to later get in touch and really act so horribly as he does.

 

Actually, karma is already in full force. He has been rejected by two girls thus far. He actually probably slept with one of them, he then was full of "oh books are like girls, if you love them there is nothing you can do..." on instragram hahahah Yet she COMPLETELY ignored him after that. She does not even follow him and she is best friends with his best friend's girlfriend. The couple and him often go out but this girl he likes NEVER goes anywhere he does. So I guess he already knows what rejection feels like. I hope it felt good.

 

Back to the girl who texted me... she just completely embarrassed herself by saying: But Im not giving you info on this person. I thought you were a friend and Im just letting you know what I am going to do." Yet she never got in touch during those several months, only when she needed info on job and to tell me this. What a load of crap.

[Apparition]

JDam, I think you handled it very well, although you made your first mistakes, it's something you will learn from and correct in the future. I think you are very right when you say do not break NC unless they are begging for you back because sometimes they just reach out to test if they made the right decision and they don't care if it's playing on our heart strings, as long as they get what they want.

[JDam]

JDam, I think you handled it very well, although you made your first mistakes, it's something you will learn from and correct in the future. I think you are very right when you say do not break NC unless they are begging for you back because sometimes they just reach out to test if they made the right decision and they don't care if it's playing on our heart strings, as long as they get what they want.

Thank you so much! Yes, I mean, I did not believe it until now. Before that I was like: well, but I should reply because maybe he is afraid and will think he has no chance? And maybe this and maybe that... Now I know for a fact that if they really want back they will make it clear and it does not matter if you help them or not. And it is not my responsibility to help him as it was his decision to end it. Also, if I have to help him then there must be some uncertainty on his part and not enough effort. So eventually, such a reconciliation is doomed to end really badly. Im not saying it applies to all situations but this is generally what I believe today.

 

I wanted to write this up for people who might be going through the same thing and are unsure as to how to handle the situation.

[Apparition]

How long were you both roughly out of contact before he came back to the picture?

 

 

I appreciate that you took your time to write out your side of the story and share your experience with anyone thinking of getting into contact with an ex or people wondering if their ex who has contacted them recently is legit. Perhaps you can help me out on my thread?

 

Cheers.

[JDam]

How long were you both roughly out of contact before he came back to the picture?

 

 

I appreciate that you took your time to write out your side of the story and share your experience with anyone thinking of getting into contact with an ex or people wondering if their ex who has contacted them recently is legit. Perhaps you can help me out on my thread?

 

Cheers.

We split in April, he got in touch in July (just a text saying he wanted to thank me for our time together but that he just could not stay in the relationship and has no regrets regarding the break up). Then he sent me a card in November. So first he got in touch after 3 months, second time after 5 months.

 

I just did

[Learningtowalkagain]

Thank you so much! Yes, I mean, I did not believe it until now. Before that I was like: well, but I should reply because maybe he is afraid and will think he has no chance? And maybe this and maybe that... Now I know for a fact that if they really want back they will make it clear and it does not matter if you help them or not. And it is not my responsibility to help him as it was his decision to end it. Also, if I have to help him then there must be some uncertainty on his part and not enough effort. So eventually, such a reconciliation is doomed to end really badly. Im not saying it applies to all situations but this is generally what I believe today.

 

I wanted to write this up for people who might be going through the same thing and are unsure as to how to handle the situation.

 

Even then they still have no ****ing clue. My ex said she still loved me, I was the only guy she ever loved, I was her soul mate, bought my daughter a bunch of gifts, then decided a month later she was having second thoughts...says she's just numb and guarded

 

She still did all the initiating, texting me to say Merry xmas, text'd me after midnight on NYE to say Happy New Year and told me what an amazing person I am.

 

I went NC, unfriended her on fb and blocked her number...but of course she still contacts me through IMs me because we work together. I just had enough and was pretty mean to her...and I know she took it hard because I received a drunk text around midnight on Friday. So I'm hoping that does the trick, but she always likes to pop back in my life right when I forget about her.

 

This guy is jerking you around. Good for staying NC. I'm still not over her, but I've been occupying my time and that's made a huge difference.

[JDam]

Im sorry to hear that, that's just awful. Did she say she wants to get back together?

 

It is similar to my ex, in the letter he said that he is sending me the "warmest greetings to the coziest love nest" It is not a good translation but the reference to the nest was just really intimate, it is what lovers say to each other. Then in January when I said some of the things were pretty ambiguous he was like "the letter was very cheerful and playful, that is all, sorry if there was any damage done". Ugh...

 

Before this experience I would make up excuses for him - like I would be thinking "but it probably just does not work the way I expect it to. Who on earth would get in touch out of the blue and say they want to get back together? He is just testing the waters" etc etc NO!!! Even if he was, I just did not realize that not making enough effort on his part would just mean the relationship would fall apart again. He was the one who ended it, he must also be the one to make all effort to reconcile. It just cant be the dumpee. That is what I think today.

[Apparition]

JDam, I think your ex will be in touch again because he sounds unsure and I know that isn't fair to you but it's up to you what you decide to do when he comes back again. Most ex's do try to get in touch again, they wonder how the "dumpee" is and if they've moved on. Especially if they find themselves miserable or lonely.

[marky00]

Yeh it tough to get a true feel for their motives and yes its probably best to wait for a full 180 turn before you react.

 

Last week my Ex after being broken up for a year asked for a reconciliation. It wasn't the most heartfelt request in the world but then again that's not her style.

 

Anyway, I told her I'd think about it... thought that was the best answer, keeps my options open and I don't look desperate or anything.

 

I've pretty much stayed silent since then but she has messaged me a few times. She added me back on all her IM apps. On the app she uses the most, she posted a pic of her with a love heart and the words "I love you" in it.

 

Well, I'll be honest in saying since she broke the trust real bad, I am a little skeptical that that profile picture was aimed at me, although logically one would think it must be. She did date another guy during that time and he dumped her 2 months ago. Although Im sure she still has some feelings for him, can't see her posting a picture like that to get his attention (that would make him run away lol).

 

Right now I'm keeping a low profile, letting her do all the work and see if she continues to make a genuine effort. I'm tempted to ask her whats behind that profile picture but then again, I would prefer to not show my cards at all right now.

Edited January 26, 2016 by marky00

[JDam]

JDam, I think your ex will be in touch again because he sounds unsure and I know that isn't fair to you but it's up to you what you decide to do when he comes back again. Most ex's do try to get in touch again, they wonder how the "dumpee" is and if they've moved on. Especially if they find themselves miserable or lonely.

Really? I dont know. If he did not get in touch at the time he said he would I dont think he will get in touch again. But I really do not recognize him. I mean, when he said he would do something he would do it. And he knows me as a person and know how I freakin hate unreliable people (being late, breaking their promises etc.), so Im pretty sure he knows Im pissed. So I dont think he will get in touch again...

 

 

Yeh it tough to get a true feel for their motives and yes its probably best to wait for a full 180 turn before you react.

 

Last week my Ex after being broken up for a year asked for a reconciliation. It wasn't the most heartfelt request in the world but then again that's not her style.

 

Anyway, I told her I'd think about it... thought that was the best answer, keeps my options open and I don't look desperate or anything.

 

I've pretty much stayed silent since then but she has messaged me a few times. She added me back on all her IM apps. On the app she uses the most, she posted a pic of her with a love heart and the words "I love you" in it.

 

Well, I'll be honest in saying since she broke the trust real bad, I am a little skeptical that that profile picture was aimed at me, although logically one would think it must be. She did date another guy during that time and he dumped her 2 months ago. Although Im sure she still has some feelings for him, can't see her posting a picture like that to get his attention (that would make him run away lol).

 

Right now I'm keeping a low profile, letting her do all the work and see if she continues to make a genuine effort. I'm tempted to ask her whats behind that profile picture but then again, I would prefer to not show my cards at all right now.

 

Oh wow, marky! You are so strong for resisting the temptation to get back with her!!! I dont want to make any judgements but I think it is very wise that you decided to wait until she truly proves she is interested and let her work on it. Because otherwise she may be just using you for an ego stroke, rebound etc. She must be the one to do all the work. Very smart!

[Apparition]

JDam, I think he'll be in touch for the wrong reasons. It sounds as though he was making sure you're still "there", if that makes sense.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Im sorry to hear that, that's just awful. Did she say she wants to get back together?

 

It is similar to my ex, in the letter he said that he is sending me the "warmest greetings to the coziest love nest" It is not a good translation but the reference to the nest was just really intimate, it is what lovers say to each other. Then in January when I said some of the things were pretty ambiguous he was like "the letter was very cheerful and playful, that is all, sorry if there was any damage done". Ugh...

 

Before this experience I would make up excuses for him - like I would be thinking "but it probably just does not work the way I expect it to. Who on earth would get in touch out of the blue and say they want to get back together? He is just testing the waters" etc etc NO!!! Even if he was, I just did not realize that not making enough effort on his part would just mean the relationship would fall apart again. He was the one who ended it, he must also be the one to make all effort to reconcile. It just cant be the dumpee. That is what I think today.

 

Well if you pushed your way back into a guys life by buying his daughter gifts for her bday (anyone who knows me knows that's the way to my heart) after not really speaking for a year, told him you were still in love with him, you think he's your soul mate for a few months...doesn't that say I want to get back together?

 

It wasn't like we were just a fling, we dated most of 2014, were together 4-5 days a week (that was all her), and talked marriage...you'd think if you didnt feel those things you wouldn't say them. She still tells me she loves me, soulmate/only guy she loved etc...but she doesn't like to go backwards in life and she's been numb and guarded.

 

Next time he contacts you, ignore him. That's what I plan on doing. You'll be surprised how much he contacts you. Just prepare yourself for that, our ex's know us, they know how to get through to us, that's why it's important to stick to your guns.

[JDam]

JDam, I think he'll be in touch for the wrong reasons. It sounds as though he was making sure you're still "there", if that makes sense.

Yes, it does. That is why I think that blocking him on my iphone and everywhere else would be the best option. Because if you block a person you will not know whether he did write to me again or not. And you wont be tempted to unblock because a message he sent while blocked should not come through. In this situation I think it is better not to know anything at all.

 

 

Well if you pushed your way back into a guys life by buying his daughter gifts for her bday (anyone who knows me knows that's the way to my heart) after not really speaking for a year, told him you were still in love with him, you think he's your soul mate for a few months...doesn't that say I want to get back together?

 

It wasn't like we were just a fling, we dated most of 2014, were together 4-5 days a week (that was all her), and talked marriage...you'd think if you didnt feel those things you wouldn't say them. She still tells me she loves me, soulmate/only guy she loved etc...but she doesn't like to go backwards in life and she's been numb and guarded.

 

Next time he contacts you, ignore him. That's what I plan on doing. You'll be surprised how much he contacts you. Just prepare yourself for that, our ex's know us, they know how to get through to us, that's why it's important to stick to your guns.

Yeah, I understand, I would also assume she wanted to get back together. What was the last time you were in touch?

 

Well, I dont think he will start contacting me again just because Im not responding. Sooner to later he will find a girl and forget about me for good.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Yes, it does. That is why I think that blocking him on my iphone and everywhere else would be the best option. Because if you block a person you will not know whether he did write to me again or not. And you wont be tempted to unblock because a message he sent while blocked should not come through. In this situation I think it is better not to know anything at all.

 

 

 

Yeah, I understand, I would also assume she wanted to get back together. What was the last time you were in touch?

 

Well, I dont think he will start contacting me again just because Im not responding. Sooner to later he will find a girl and forget about me for good.

 

Last Tuesday she IM'd me at work. She wanted to see if I wanted to hang out sometime...I declined. Told her I wasn't interested in a friendship. Wished her well.

 

Ex's 6th sense tells them you've moved on, that's when they contact you...like clockwork. Seriously stick with nc, you don't deserve to be jerked around like this. I'm sure you have a lot to offer and will find someone who appreciates those qualities.

[JDam]

Last Tuesday she IM'd me at work. She wanted to see if I wanted to hang out sometime...I declined. Told her I wasn't interested in a friendship. Wished her well.

 

Ex's 6th sense tells them you've moved on, that's when they contact you...like clockwork. Seriously stick with nc, you don't deserve to be jerked around like this. I'm sure you have a lot to offer and will find someone who appreciates those qualities.

 

Wow, you are really strong to resist her attempts!!

 

Thank you! This time around I will not respond when/if he contacts me again.

[JDam]

So today he texted me again. He said he has an exam on Monday and if he passes it (which he is not so sure about) we can finally meet up. He said he's sorry for not being very flexible lately but he's been so busy with work and exams...

 

What do you guys think? Im not replying to this. I think he only wants to hear me say "ohhh, good luck, Im sure you'll do amazing. Let me know when we will meet." ---> his ego boost

 

Then I dont hear from him until he needs to feed his ego again.

[TaraMaiden2]

So today he texted me again. He said he has an exam on Monday and if he passes it (which he is not so sure about) we can finally meet up. He said he's sorry for not being very flexible lately but he's been so busy with work and exams...

 

What do you guys think? Im not replying to this. I think he only wants to hear me say "ohhh, good luck, Im sure you'll do amazing. Let me know when we will meet." ---> his ego boost

 

Then I dont hear from him until he needs to feed his ego again.

 

You really need us to tell you what we think?

 

What do YOU think we think?

And what do YOU think???

[JDam]

You really need us to tell you what we think?

 

What do YOU think we think?

And what do YOU think???

 

I guess that is the purpose of the forum? People ask about perspective of other people.

 

I did say what I think.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think after all these posts, over 3 pages - you already KNOW what we think.

[JDam]

Hi guys,

 

havent been here in a while. I posted about my story here. To make the long story short - we dated for over 2 years, he broke up with me out of the blue over phone last April. Deleted him off all social media, his number etc. Went complete NC and never contacted him again. He sent me a text after 3 months saying he wanted to thank me for our time together but that he does not regret breaking up with me. Then he went abroad and sent me a card after 8 months post BU. Then also a handwritten letter which was really messed up, saying he had the best time of his life, he will never forget etc. He also said that he thinks it is wrong if ex partners (who did not break up for awful reasons) do not talk. Said that he hopes we would meet up after he comes back.

 

After he came back we texted on January 1, I wished him a happy 2016. He seemed very happy that I sent him a text, wished me good as well. He then suggested a meet up which he ended up cancelling because of exams. He then texted me again, I ignored it. So he texted me again about meeting up, I said ok, lets meet at this wine place. Then he replied after 2 days that the wine place sounds nice. I was annoyed because I hate it when it takes so much time to people to arrange a meeting. So I ignored him again. I also got sick and didnt feel like meeting up. So one day before the meet up he texts me again to ask if we would meet. I gave up. I said to myself - ok, if I dont go I will be wondering. I will be thinking: well... maybe I should have gone etc. So I went.

 

We met up after 9 months of not seeing each other at all. We met at my favorite wine place which is really close to his home, but quite far from my home. Anyway... it is absurd that he suggested we should meet up but said "I will leave it up to you where we will go". So it was me, this stupid person, who had to book a table... Anyway, the meeting was ok, no awkward moments, we spent 5 hours together. When he first saw me he walked up to me and kissed me on both cheeks. The conversation was great, he is a great conversationist. I did not bring up the BU at all. I was telling him about my new hobbies, new things etc. and he was like "wow, you sound so different... I always liked this about you, you can get really passionate about something.." Anyway, of course he did not pay the bill for me which I fond quite offensive, at least in my culture, if you are the one who initiated the meeting. I had to catch the last train home, he again kissed me on both cheeks and said it was nice to see me again. I said: Yeah... it was really strange though. And he said: why? I said: I dont know... And walked away. Got home at like 1.30 Am because it is pretty far from me. He did not even bother to ask if I got home OK.

 

I was really stupid to text him the following day. I said it was nice to catch up, that I like talking to him and that I can see we still have a lot of things to talk about. As Ive mentioned we talked a lot about our new hobbies, swimming to be specific. I made a joke about a pool that he planned to visit and asked if he wanted to join me next week at my favorite pool. Then the hell broke loose...

 

He completely ignored me. So I texted him: OK, it was probably stupid to ask, just forget about it, maybe this contact as a whole is not right. And he texted back immediately: well, I think it is not a mistake unless both sides have the same expectations. I said: what do you mean? And he said: the meet up was not a date but two friends catching up. I was like what-the-****???? I said: I dont know what you are talking about. You never apologized for your behaviour, I didnt bring it up yesterday and now this? He then followed up with "I will tell you this, it will be very simple. I was hoping we would be willing to talk normally. I just wanted to have "normal relations" with you. And if getting back together was the only reason you accepted the meet up then Im sorry if I gave you a reason. But if you feel like I ever hurt you then lets talk, you know very well I never had a problem to apologize".

 

I was stunned. I mean, I went full NC right after BU, never initiated contact, even ignored some of the texts where he proposed a meet up. He sends me a card and then a handwritten letter from abroad where he says he will never forget, I taught him so much etc. And when I only accept the meeting and tell him it was nice and suggest going to a pool, he automatically assumes I want to get back together. Even if you ignore the assumptions it is just super cruel and arrogant to say that. I felt rejected all over again... only because I thought it was a nice talk and that we still had things in common and could maybe communicate well. I was just stunned. So I sent him the ultimate and final text saying his thoughts are just absurd and arrogant. That he lacks any kind of humility because I was willing to meet up without him apologizing to me first because the BU was disgraceful. I said at the end: so this is the end of it, forget about me for good and never contact me ever again.

 

I felt so disrespected and rejected all over again. I think that deep down he has a lot of mental issues. Who on earth would do this? Only a person who needs an ego boost. And who needs an ego boost? A person with low self esteem.

 

I must have offended his ego because he deleted the last few pictures from his facebook, even my comments under the photos...

 

So this is my experience guys. I know every relationship is different. But in general - PLEASE DO STICK TO NC! Even though I think this experience actually helped me because now I think he is just disgusting and there is no love at all anymore I also think this was just unnecessary. Before that I would think of him fondly from time to time... but now I just hate him, he is the ultimate scum. And I dont remember the good times, unfortunately. I actually regret the two years together.

 

Sorry for the rant but I had to get this off my chest.