New job delaying proposal, gf getting loco

[PacMann87]

Hey, new to this forum and have seen some great suggestions/advice from members so I'm taking a shot hoping for some feedback. Not sure if this is the right area for it but w/e.

 

Background- My gf and I are both 28, dating for 3.5 years. Living separately. I had my own place up until last September when I changed jobs and moved back home with parents in order to save money for a house. My gf still lives at home as well. We live in Ny so before you say you're both too old to be living at home, I suggest you look at how much real estate costs in NYC and the surrounding area. 90% of the people we grew up with still live at home and all have jobs. Unless you want to throw away 2k a month minimum renting a place, or your family helps out, it's very difficult to get out on your own.

 

That being said. I want to propose and marry my gf. She is dying to get married and very vocal about it. During the first 1.5 years we dated she went back to school to get her nursing degree. During this time I supported every thing we did doing out whether it was dinners or a yearly vacation. She graduated and got a job as a nurse so she's been set for a year now. I'm in the sales industry and built a great resume which led to an opportunity with one of the top companies worldwide last August. Financially I was not the best at saving money up until last summer due to having my own place and it's something I regret but have been focusing on the last 6 months and putting money away for my wedding, ring, house etc. When I got the job I explained to my gf that I fully intended on proposing to her and spending my life with her, but due to the fact that my job has a lot to do with commission, I would like to spend at least a year working there to find out the potential that was there as well as what clients would buy and what I could realistically expect to make annually going forward.

 

I didn't want to start our marriage off being unsure of this and risk losing my job or not making what I thought I would make and be stuck with a new house and tons of bills that she would be forced to take on while I look for another job. I've been very clear that I am ready and intend on marrying her, I just want her to bear with me while I establish myself in this career so that our marriage can provide everything we both want for the next 50 years.

 

She initially supported this but has gotten very upset regularly over the last 6 months asking the same questions "when do you think we'll get married" etc over and over again, to which I have replied with pretty much the same answers as I explained in August. She'll calm down and then 2 weeks later it comes up again. She'll understand and agree with what I tell her and say "I know you're just trying to be smart about it babe, I'm just sick of living at home etc"

 

It got to a point where I told her to start looking for a place to live on her own without me if she couldn't bear another 6 months of this. And everything is going to plan as of now. So if it stays this way I'll propose over the summer and then go from there. But the way she's handling this is making me start to rethink the kind of person she is long term. What happens if during our marriage we face a real serious issue and she can't give me the support I need or ask for?

 

I've literally spelled out for her that the only reason I want to establish myself is so I can buy her the house she wants and go on the vacations she deserves. And the fact that she can't let 2 weeks Go by without asking me the question is mind blowing to me and makes me think she's selfish.

 

Am I the selfish one? Should I have proposed and gotten the house already and risked the job insecurity and dedication? Hope this wasn't too long and boring. Any advice is appreciated.

[Mr. Lucky]

But the way she's handling this is making me start to rethink the kind of person she is long term. What happens if during our marriage we face a real serious issue and she can't give me the support I need or ask for?

 

Do you mean what happens if she won't let you dictate the terms of every major decision, including the ones you'd normally make together? The net result would be you'd have the give and take of a normal - and healthy - marriage .

 

You don't come across as flexible or inclusive, in her shoes I'd be equally frustrated. And honestly, you're missing out on one of the best parts of marriage - those early, "us against the world", struggling days when all you really have is each other. Time, success, material goods, children and career can dilute that bond, I'd suggest you enjoy the process together.

 

28 years old, 3 years together, both working - if she's the one, I'd say now's the time. The success you're after is sweeter achieved as partners...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PacMann87]

What makes you think I want to dictate every major decision in our relationship? Wanting to dedicate the initial beginning stage of my hopeful long term career is the only thing I brought up here. The dynamic of our relationship is very inclusive of one another's feelings and in no way do I feel the need to control or decide anything that would affect our lives.

 

I just felt like the effort I could put into this job would be reduced and less prioritized if we had a wedding to plan, a house to find, and all that goes with that during this period. When she was in school, and needed to be in bed every night by 930/10 pm in order to get up for class the next day, did I complain about the time she was Able to spend with me or talk to me? Or how often she contacted me or wanted to go out on weekends? Of course not because I knew it was temporary and was something that would lead to her being happy and stable in her job.

 

So I feel like that's all I'm asking her for. It would be one thing if she just brought up "when do you think we're gonna get married?" Last week. But after I had a very open, honest and assuring convo with her last August about this, it's something g that came up almost immediately... So the fact that she couldn't support that or deal with it for even a month afterwards is just worrying me that things will be her way or else our overall relationship will be less desirable or important to her.

 

Plus I'm not using it as an excuse to not marry her. I'd marry her tomorrow. Maybe it's become a little more of a test in my mind to see if she can get behind something that's important to me when I express it to her. And the fact that she's making it more difficult is staring to affect me mkre

[Els]

Are you both from different cultures? You sound like you believe that marriage is a phase in life that you don't enter until you have your career roughly where you need it to be. She sounds like she believes that if two people love each other they should marry regardless of financial situation. Neither of you are wrong, just different.

 

So no, she's not being selfish, but you're not either. I would suggest some communication and compromise - if that doesn't work then maybe you're both just not compatible.

[elaine567]

If you propose and buy her the ring and become engaged then she will feel more secure. As it is, it all seems a bit like pie in the sky and I am sure she is wondering if you are just stringing her along.

Come summer, she may think you will have another excuse lined up.

Being officially engaged will buy you time to get your stuff in order too.

 

Of course if you are having second thoughts and that is the real reason you are delaying, then you need to sort that out tout de suite and not string her along any longer.

[d0nnivain]

Do you have enough money for an engagement ring? If so, propose sooner rather than later. Then have a very long engagement. Because if you think real estate around here is expensive, wait until you start pricing weddings! What people in LCOL areas pay for the whole reception is the price of the gown here. What you can pay for a nice reception at a middle of the road place is what real estate costs elsewhere.

 

 

Unfortunately, I don't think she's ready for marriage. She sees it as a way out of her parents' house. That is not the same thing as being fully committed to you & willing to work through any bad times you may face together. She wants a White Knight & the whole fairy tale. She has no meaningful concept of what it means to be a partner in a marriage.

 

 

Assuming you want a middle of the road wedding, that is still a $30-50k proposition around here, unless you elope. A descent house in the 'burbs will be around $400,000+. So unless she has $120k lying around ($40 for the wedding & $80k as the 20% down payment on the house) she is in for a rude awakening.

 

 

Perhaps do the actual math / budget with her. She may calm down or she may surprise you with cash.

[Art_Critic]

What happens if during our marriage we face a real serious issue and she can't give me the support I need or ask for?

 

Role reversal; she is probably asking herself the same thing, she is also looking for support from you in her decision.

 

Marriage is all about compromise since no 2 people think or act alike, how will you compromise to make this work ? how will she compromise to make this work ? how will you BOTH compromise to make this work ?

[PegNosePete]

She sees it as a way out of her parents' house. That is not the same thing as being fully committed to you & willing to work through any bad times you may face together. She wants a White Knight & the whole fairy tale. She has no meaningful concept of what it means to be a partner in a marriage.

Yes, this was my thought also. She seems to be expecting you to bank roll her life. You have a good career ahead of you, and are waiting until you can afford to move out. What is her contribution to that? A pretty face? Or does she have a blossoming career too?

[Redhead14]

Hey, new to this forum and have seen some great suggestions/advice from members so I'm taking a shot hoping for some feedback. Not sure if this is the right area for it but w/e.

 

Background- My gf and I are both 28, dating for 3.5 years. Living separately. I had my own place up until last September when I changed jobs and moved back home with parents in order to save money for a house. My gf still lives at home as well. We live in Ny so before you say you're both too old to be living at home, I suggest you look at how much real estate costs in NYC and the surrounding area. 90% of the people we grew up with still live at home and all have jobs. Unless you want to throw away 2k a month minimum renting a place, or your family helps out, it's very difficult to get out on your own.

 

That being said. I want to propose and marry my gf. She is dying to get married and very vocal about it. During the first 1.5 years we dated she went back to school to get her nursing degree. During this time I supported every thing we did doing out whether it was dinners or a yearly vacation. She graduated and got a job as a nurse so she's been set for a year now. I'm in the sales industry and built a great resume which led to an opportunity with one of the top companies worldwide last August. Financially I was not the best at saving money up until last summer due to having my own place and it's something I regret but have been focusing on the last 6 months and putting money away for my wedding, ring, house etc. When I got the job I explained to my gf that I fully intended on proposing to her and spending my life with her, but due to the fact that my job has a lot to do with commission, I would like to spend at least a year working there to find out the potential that was there as well as what clients would buy and what I could realistically expect to make annually going forward.

 

I didn't want to start our marriage off being unsure of this and risk losing my job or not making what I thought I would make and be stuck with a new house and tons of bills that she would be forced to take on while I look for another job. I've been very clear that I am ready and intend on marrying her, I just want her to bear with me while I establish myself in this career so that our marriage can provide everything we both want for the next 50 years.

 

She initially supported this but has gotten very upset regularly over the last 6 months asking the same questions "when do you think we'll get married" etc over and over again, to which I have replied with pretty much the same answers as I explained in August. She'll calm down and then 2 weeks later it comes up again. She'll understand and agree with what I tell her and say "I know you're just trying to be smart about it babe, I'm just sick of living at home etc"

 

It got to a point where I told her to start looking for a place to live on her own without me if she couldn't bear another 6 months of this. And everything is going to plan as of now. So if it stays this way I'll propose over the summer and then go from there. But the way she's handling this is making me start to rethink the kind of person she is long term. What happens if during our marriage we face a real serious issue and she can't give me the support I need or ask for?

 

I've literally spelled out for her that the only reason I want to establish myself is so I can buy her the house she wants and go on the vacations she deserves. And the fact that she can't let 2 weeks Go by without asking me the question is mind blowing to me and makes me think she's selfish.

 

Am I the selfish one? Should I have proposed and gotten the house already and risked the job insecurity and dedication? Hope this wasn't too long and boring. Any advice is appreciated.

 

I told her to start looking for a place to live on her own without me if she couldn't bear another 6 months of this -- This is an excellent suggestion. It's important for a person to get out on their own for awhile. It helps them a become secure, independent person in their own right. And, she may find that after being on her own for awhile and realizing she can make it, she may decide that she doesn't need to be married any time soon.

 

That being said, it would be a very good idea for you to make that leap yourself.

 

it's very difficult to get out on your own. -- If this is your mindset, telling her to get a place on her own is a smug and passive-aggressive way of putting that point across . . .

 

she can't let 2 weeks Go by without asking me the question is mind blowing to me -- Keeps bring it up because there's no resolution or indication that she isn't just being strung along. What's the harm in showing her some advancement on your part. Propose to her. Unless, you really aren't serious.

 

risk losing my job or not making what I thought I would make and be stuck with a new house and tons of bills that she would be forced to take on while I look for another job. -- Life is full of risks. I don't live my life trying to foresee the future and keep my life on hold because of unknown situations. Otherwise, I would never get into my car each day to drive to work . . .

 

You're telling her to wait for you to be able to be SURE about your job and be able to buy a house. Why should she wait for an unknown . . .

 

risk losing my job or not making what I thought I would make and be stuck with a new house and tons of bills -- Then don't buy a house yet. Rent for a while until you see if you can support more. And, if you are a couple and something like that happens, that's what the partner does, they carry the load for a while. This is what couples do. They support each other in times of difficulty.

[Mr. Lucky]

Wanting to dedicate the initial beginning stage of my hopeful long term career is the only thing I brought up here.

 

Were you single or unattached, that want would exist in isolation. However in a relationship, everything overlaps - career with marriage, children with finances, lifestyle with security, etc.

 

I'm simply suggesting wedding timing and planning is normally a joint decision. Certainly your right to make your own decisions as you will...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

What's wrong with proposing and setting the wedding date for another year? It takes a while to plan a wedding anyway.

 

You can continue saving in the year you're engaged.

 

However if you are having second thoughts .... don't propose. 3.5 years is long enough to know if she's the one.

 

You could try saying that you've said you plan to be married to her... but her bringing it up every 2 weeks is getting to you...and you want to start married life with some financial stability.

[kztar]

I don't know your girlfriend but it sounds like you guys have a good relationship. However I live in NYC and I totally understand you. Yes it is extremely hard even to rent here. Im 26 and thought that by now I would at least be able to afford my own apartment, which I can but I would be living paycheck to paycheck, therefore I still live at home just like you. With that being said I think I can understand both of your point of views. She's looking at it like well 3.5 years together, where are we going?. I agree with other posters here that are asking about culture and values. Believe it or not this can have a major impact on relationships. My ex and I didn't work out because we are younger and he has different priorities in life. Latino based cultures like myself (not all latinos though) grow up with the mentality that regardless of the situation if the person is the one you make it work, greater financial stability is not such a big priority as it is for others. It's more like we struggle together, we grow together and we flourish together. This is not a concept that is well seen by some and that is okay but im just giving you an insight of what can possibly be going on in her mind based on the way she grew up etc. Also, believe it or not people change their minds all the time, even after being engaged or marriage. Maybe she's scared you might go take on this other job and things might change, I don't know im not her but im just giving you some options.

 

I think that what you should do is have a serious talk with her and explain to her some of the reasons you want to do this. Tell her that you are looking out for the future of the both of you. Talk to her calmly and explain step by step what is going through your mind. Don't sit there and say well this is what I need to do for us, that WONT work, telling you from experience, she will NOT understand your processing. Communication is key. If you communicate properly and she is not supportive then clearly you need to reconsider if this proposal is what you want to do. You guys already have the those future plans so I don't see why she wouldn't be able to wait just a few more months. I know I wouldn't mind.

 

I know you want to marry this girl but you guys need to both be at the same page at the same time. Good luck.

[kztar]

Are you both from different cultures? You sound like you believe that marriage is a phase in life that you don't enter until you have your career roughly where you need it to be. She sounds like she believes that if two people love each other they should marry regardless of financial situation. Neither of you are wrong, just different.

 

So no, she's not being selfish, but you're not either. I would suggest some communication and compromise - if that doesn't work then maybe you're both just not compatible.

 

I agree 100. My ex and I had this same problem. We want the same outcome in life but we both intend to achieve the end goal in completely different ways. This can be a MAJOR problem.

[Miss Peach]

I understand where you're coming from for the practical side.

 

At that age she is probably wanting to start planning her life, settling down, etc. You've had 3.5 years to decide she's the right person for you. I know I would get nervous seeing no actions on your part. So I also understand where she is coming from.

 

I know you say you want to marry so I really don't understand why couldn't compromise and propose now with the agreement that you want a long engagement to get everything sorted out before you marry. I feel a lot of people forget that engagement just means that you intend to marry. You don't have to instantly be married or act married during that time. IME it's best to take that time seriously and have those hard discussions to make sure getting married is the best thing.

[Mr. Lucky]

Im 26 and thought that by now I would at least be able to afford my own apartment, which I can but I would be living paycheck to paycheck, therefore I still live at home just like you.

 

At age 26 - or 28 like the OP - isn't living paycheck to paycheck the lesser of two evils when compared to living at home? I'd rather get a second job tending bar on the weekends than reside at Mom and Dads...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kztar]

At age 26 - or 28 like the OP - isn't living paycheck to paycheck the lesser of two evils when compared to living at home? I'd rather get a second job tending bar on the weekends than reside at Mom and Dads...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hi Mr.Lucky, do YOU live in NYC? Tell me how much you save with 3 jobs? One full time and two pt? Now also tell me what else you do besides work? Tell me what type of life you live? Do you go out, spend time with friends, hang out, and live life? What else do you do besides work and how much money you have left to put in a savings account while paying rent and bills on your own just you. No roommate no nothing just you. Making descent money in NYC AKA the capital of the world. I'm just curious.

[PacMann87]

Appreciate the replies and opinions being given here. In response to a couple of things that might clear up some background.

 

There is no cultural difference between us. Both come from the same culture, race, lifestyle and background.

She also has a sound career in nursing and makes 70k a year. Since she's been in her job for less than a year she has used most of that to pay off the student loans she had for nursing school. She is done with that now.

I have had student loans to pay off as well which prevented my savings from being as much as I'd like. I'm about 2 payments away from being completely squared away.

 

I understand when people say just propose and have a longer engagement or that will buy me a year. But my gf is adamant that she wants to be married and moved out within a year of being engaged. This is why I've had the conversation with her time and time again saying that I just want to be practical and make sure we are both financially sound so that when we do pay for the wedding and house, the burden of that isn't placed solely on her shoulders if God forbid I lost my job or couldn't contribute the way I'd like to.

 

I've not strung her along in any way or been unclear about my desire to have a future with her. If anything I've told her from the beginning that I want to spend the rest of my life with her and give her everything she deserves. So if 6 months more of establishing my career can allow me the added confidence and financial stability to do that, I'm asking her to understand and support that. Which she does.... For 2 weeks. Lol

[basil67]

She's doing this because she feels insecure. I strongly believe that the timing of marriage should be discussed and negotiated. Length of engagement, how much money is required, whether or not to live together first - it's all got to be on the table for discussion. From where I'm sitting, it sounds like BOTH of you need to hone your compromise and negotiation skills.

 

As financial issues seem to be at the crux of this, why not have a conservative ring and wedding and put the bulk of your money to more practical uses? If she's dead keen to get married, this should be something to add into the negotiations.

 

I also agree with the idea of living in a small flat and saving together.

 

And before you have a go at me for not understanding your cost of living, I live in Sydney, Australia which is on par with NYC. (Sometimes higher, sometimes lower depending on which stats you're reading). I do understand, but sometimes we have to make compromises in both directions.

[PacMann87]

I don't know your girlfriend but it sounds like you guys have a good relationship. However I live in NYC and I totally understand you. Yes it is extremely hard even to rent here. Im 26 and thought that by now I would at least be able to afford my own apartment, which I can but I would be living paycheck to paycheck, therefore I still live at home just like you. With that being said I think I can understand both of your point of views. She's looking at it like well 3.5 years together, where are we going?. I agree with other posters here that are asking about culture and values. Believe it or not this can have a major impact on relationships. My ex and I didn't work out because we are younger and he has different priorities in life. Latino based cultures like myself (not all latinos though) grow up with the mentality that regardless of the situation if the person is the one you make it work, greater financial stability is not such a big priority as it is for others. It's more like we struggle together, we grow together and we flourish together. This is not a concept that is well seen by some and that is okay but im just giving you an insight of what can possibly be going on in her mind based on the way she grew up etc. Also, believe it or not people change their minds all the time, even after being engaged or marriage. Maybe she's scared you might go take on this other job and things might change, I don't know im not her but im just giving you some options.

 

I think that what you should do is have a serious talk with her and explain to her some of the reasons you want to do this. Tell her that you are looking out for the future of the both of you. Talk to her calmly and explain step by step what is going through your mind. Don't sit there and say well this is what I need to do for us, that WONT work, telling you from experience, she will NOT understand your processing. Communication is key. If you communicate properly and she is not supportive then clearly you need to reconsider if this proposal is what you want to do. You guys already have the those future plans so I don't see why she wouldn't be able to wait just a few more months. I know I wouldn't mind.

 

I know you want to marry this girl but you guys need to both be at the same page at the same time. Good luck.

 

We are from the same cultural backgrounds and family dynamics so that's not the issue here.

 

As to your suggestion about communication... That's my whole issue... Time and time again I've very very VERY calmly, lovingly, assuringly had the talk with her to assure her about my intentions and plans of marrying her and being with her forever... Explaining that due to the industry I'm in for my career, it is very dependent on commission which is simply impossible to foresee accurately when you first step into the job/territory. So while my salary is sufficient to get married and buy a house... If I'm just making my base salary, that means my territory is under quota and if that's the case, I won't have a job for long.

 

Is that something I think will happen? No, but I'm also not 100% sure either based on what I've seen in the first few months working. I look at it as thinking if her ideal date to have been engaged was between sept- dec 2015... And it's March 2016... I'm not exactly dragging this out and making her wait for years and years with excuse after excuse.... And since she has had me sit down and have this very emotionally (just in terms of her feeling like it will never happen, and me startinbti feel like she's doubting how I feel about her and our future) carried conversation where I explain very rationally what I'm thinking and why I'm asking her to bear with me....I don't know what to do anymore.

 

When we have these talks, sometimes she'll cry and say "I know, you're right, when you explain it like that it makes me feel awful for being so shortsighted and not supporting you like you've done for me, etc". And she'll get all lovey Dovey for a week or two and then the "Do you think we're going to be engaged by next year tell me now pleasee" "when do you think you'll feel comfortable in your job?"

[elaine567]

"Do you think we're going to be engaged by next year tell me now pleasee" "when do you think you'll feel comfortable in your job?"

 

She needs confirmation of commitment, and no amount of rational argument is going to work until she gets that ring on her finger.

[elaine567]

There are far too many stories of men stringing women along with excuses to dodge commitment, for her to believe you when you SAY you are serious, but your actions do not back that up.

YOU may know that you are genuine and that you have every intention of getting married, but talk is cheap, people get fooled by talk every day.

[PacMann87]

Sorry if I keep rambling on about this. I'm just at a loss for what else I can do to have a happy relationship. Even when things are good, there's this underlying cloud where I know/can feel like she feels stagnant in her life and wants to move to the next step already. And it makes it difficult for us to enjoy the time we do spend together because i can feel the tension.

 

I've explained that too and how I feel about that underlying issue being carried around even after we talk things out. Because of my schedule working now and her hours at work, we see each other 2-3 times a week now. Which is descent but the time she spends at work and at home with her parents is in my opinion influencing her mindset.

 

Her mom and dad don't have the best marriage. They appear fine and treat each other well but sleep in separate beds and it's just a loveless older generation marriage that's going to last forever even though they don't do anything you'd expect a married couple to do. For that reason her mom spends hours and hours on the phone with either her sister (my gf's aunt) or my girlfriends sister who is 4 years older than us, married, with a baby.

 

My gf sister is the kind of girl who always was in a relationship and just happened to marry the last guy she dated because she reached the age where she felt she was supposed to get married. She also doesn't have any close female friends so she talks to her mom (my gf mom) for at least 4 hours every day (not exaggerating)... Along with the fact that my gf mom babysits the 2yo while both parents work.

When she first got married my gf would use her as an example we could follow and how I shouldn't worry about finances or buying a house because it's stuff we figure out as we go, together.

 

Her sister got pregnant 3 months after getting married (unplanned) and developed post pardum depression after having the baby which has noticeably affected her and her marriage. She's having doubts about her husband (even tho he treats her like gold) and anxiety caused by the pod.

 

Why am I bringing this up? With the amount her mom, sister, aunt talk and are involved in each other's lives... They are influencing how my gf thinks towards my intentions of marrying her. Since they're the late middle aged gossipy type of woman (hope that's not rude, just being perfectly honest) It's my opinion that theyll talk amongst themselves and to my gf commenting "what's the hold up?" "Is he ever going to pop the question". "His job is just another excuse... Your sister got married and her husband wasn't working... He has to just do it jeez"

 

It's been confirmed to me by my gf that she is hearing some of this but she deflected the full nature of it. I absolutely love her mom and whole family, this doesn't change that. But they're not exactly the shining example of what a happy, successful marriage and home life is to model our lives after. So how can I keep my gf from letting their busy body, nitpicking ,outside view , pessimistic opinions of our relationship get in her head and build up after a few weeks. We will have the talk, she'll feel re assured, then she'll spend so much time between work (girls who are engaged or single singing the same tune), and at home.. That those perimiter chippy voices or conversations drill their way into her head and we are back to square 1 again.

 

I have serious issues that I'm going through at my job just with clients that need a lot of planning and attention to deal with and ensure their business... So having to deal with my gf and these "when when when" talks on top of that is just driving my crazy lately and I can't do both at the same time. I explained my work issues to her and asked she just be behind me and be my escape when I'm with her, and then the opposite happens when 5 mins after she walks in she's asking about houses and when I'd want to look for them or when I'll be ready to go to the bank.

 

I love her, I'm going to marry her... So any suggestions to break it off or saying she's a bad person won't help. She's wonderful, independent, makes good money, drop dead gorgeous, and loves me. She's just got a strong case of engagement-itis and i need a cure for 5-8 months, that's all.

 

Help!

[elaine567]

For the nth time -

Get her an engagement ring ASAP.

[PacMann87]

There are far too many stories of men stringing women along with excuses to dodge commitment, for her to believe you when you SAY you are serious, but your actions do not back that up.

YOU may know that you are genuine and that you have every intention of getting married, but talk is cheap, people get fooled by talk every day.

 

Of course, but we are not those other people and what other people do have no influence or bearing on what goes on between me and her. I'm not one of those guys who dodged commitment or a long term relationship. We don't argue or break up and get back together like alot of couples do.

 

You're saying that my actions don't back up that I'm saying I plan on marrying her. I took her ring shopping last year in April. I've given her my budget and savings numbers so she knows what we can afford to look at when it comes time to buy a house. According to you the only way to back up what I'm telling her is to propose to her. Which is the exact thing I'm asking her to bear with me and give me more time so I feel comfortable in my job security.

 

I'm not concerned with other people Lying to the women they date or never proposing and then breaking up with them. That's not going to happen. Literally 0 chance that I don't marry this girl. I just can't start the wedding, house shopping, purchasing, furnishing process and finances while at the same time successfully establishing myself in my job territory and putting the effort into that which is required.

[elaine567]

I'm not concerned with other people Lying to the women they date or never proposing and then breaking up with them. That's not going to happen. Literally 0 chance that I don't marry this girl. I just can't start the wedding, house shopping, purchasing, furnishing process and finances while at the same time successfully establishing myself in my job territory and putting the effort into that which is required.

 

For some reason you are stalling here, and I can see why she is thus so insecure.