Would you marry someone who has been unfaithful?

[txgrl]

If you met someone whom you really liked to the point of considering marriage , they told you right off the bat that they committed infidelity but have repented and will never do it again .

Will you trust them and still want a relationship with them ?

[QueenElsa]

No.

 

Those that cheat can be pretty good with words but not so good at follow-through.

 

Big red flag.

[txgrl]

So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ?

 

I can never get a second chance ?

[Dreamworld]

If you met someone whom you really liked to the point of considering marriage , they told you right off the bat that they committed infidelity but have repented and will never do it again .

Will you trust them and still want a relationship with them ?

 

No. I am not exactly in the "leopard never changes its spots" thinking since there could be circumstances where it really could be a one time thing, but knowing me, it would still really start eating away at me and I will keep wondering what if, what if and drive myself crazy. So no.

[QueenElsa]

So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ?

 

I can never get a second chance ?

 

There's lots of other nice people.

 

Just not me.

[Dreamworld]

So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ?

 

I can never get a second chance ?

 

I don't think it is impossible if you meet someone who can be ok with it. It is just I wouldn't be able to have peace of mind about it.

[SSJROMANCE]

I think that would depend on the situation but I always say once a cheater always a cheater at heart. Get a better understanding of what led up to that and then use your gut. The one thing you DON'T want happen is he do it again ON YOU and then you say to yourself I should have known better.

[elaine567]

So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ?

 

I can never get a second chance ?

 

Some would give you a second, third and fourth chance, but others would never see past the fact you are capable of cheating and as relationships tend to be built on trust, then they would rule you out on day one. Too much potential worry and hassle for them.

[Arieswoman]

If I had ever met a guy who had cheated, but had taken responsibility for his actions, had done work on himself to see what the issues were that made him cheat and had made peace with the person he cheated on, then and only then would I have dated him.

 

This never happened.

The guys I met who admitted to cheating just blameshifted and gave every excuse under the sun instead owning their own $h!£.

 

So it's a "no" from me.

[purplesorrow]

I don't know. I guess if I could, I would have just stayed with my ex. He owned it and is still doing the work. I would have to be much further out from my current situation. I do believe people can change.

[basil67]

Yes, I'd give them a chance. But infidelity is not a dealbreaker for me

[Polar965]

I think it is pretty rare for someone to "own" that. Are you dating and he told you his previous marriage failed because of his infidelity? That is genuine. I actually would respect him for his honesty, and yes, the cheating would give me pause for thought. Most divorced men find a way to blame the wife, sounds like he knew he messed up and maybe that is a good sign going forward.

[elaine567]

I think it is pretty rare for someone to "own" that. Are you dating and he told you his previous marriage failed because of his infidelity? That is genuine. I actually would respect him for his honesty, and yes, the cheating would give me pause for thought. Most divorced men find a way to blame the wife, sounds like he knew he messed up and maybe that is a good sign going forward.

 

The OP is the cheater here. post #8

[hippychick3]

So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ?

 

I can never get a second chance ?

 

No one here is saying you can't get a second chance. They (me too) are saying that personally they would not. The risk is not worth it when there are opportunities to be with those who have never cheated.

 

I suppose someone who has been in your position would be more open to dating you. Would you be interested and feel secure dating that person?

[txgrl]

Appreciate the responses so far .

 

As pointed out by Elaine , I'm the one who cheated and I totally admit that it was ALL my fault , my poor decision , my selfishness .

[txgrl]

I understand . People differ and their opinions differ .

 

I find all these responses helpful and I appreciate anyone who is taking the time out to read this thread and post .

[burnt]

So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ?

 

I can never get a second chance ?

 

Let me answer this question in a different context. Students & Teachers.

 

Teachers are amazing, hardworking, etc etc etc--the deciders of the world. *Some* Students--lazy, unmotivated, indifferent.

 

There are teachers who believe in their standards--once a student fails, cheats, shows lazy behavior, acts inappropriately, the teacher expects the student will only repeat that same behavior. Expect those lazy bums to be the lazy bums for life. They believe nobody EVER changes.

 

And…then there are other teachers who believe in the actual values of learning--learning is a process; that ACTUALLY, the ones who fail miserably, or even cheat, often come out to be the most hard-working, decent, dedicated, and diligent students in class--because they *learned* from their OWN mistakes. It's a much more treasured and insightful and personal experience.

 

My suggestion, for you, come clean from the start about your past. If the person you date, dumps you because of your dark history, then be very very very thankful that you actually got saved from such a judgmental person. Allow that person to find a 'perfect' partner and then later discover that his/her perfect partner actually was cheating too. OOPS.

 

Many people will drop you once you tell them you were a former cheater. But you WILL find some people who actually will value you for your honesty and your genuine attempt to be a faithful partner. They will actually respect you for being honest about your flaws.

 

You are well informed about how an infidelity starts off. Usually, because the marriage is unhappy and dysfunctional. Most of the times, people cheat because they are unhappy/bored in their marriages, instead of addressing the issues and putting in the hard work to make the marriage work.

 

Since you know that, you actually are less likely to cheat, if you are truly repentant because you know the warning signs and you know exactly what it will take to make a future relationship work. You will question your own actions--that makes you a worthy person.

 

The people who are self reflective are much more valuable human beings than the ones who are so readily judgmental.

[merrmeade]

Oh yes, there are people who would be okay with it, but that's not what you or the other person wants or needs.

 

I am SURE that, as inexperienced, trusting and gullible as I was, I would not have questioned have if he'd done as you describe - told me about an infidelity and then said that he'd never do it again. I would totally have trusted that it was true. I know this because in our marriage I didn't suspect him even though he cheated several times. He simply never got caught or even caused a questioning eyebrow to be raised. I believed him the one time I did discover there'd been an infidelity (even though what he said made no sense).

 

And just what good does that do either one? The former cheater sees that he probably won't get caught next time circumstances get the best of him. I don't think you or he should want that.

 

I think that telling someone normal (not so naive) doesn't mean you're 'cured' but realizes you're going to try and WANT him to be alert. Healthy means you will TALK about what you expect and will do. He can value your demonstration of transparency and consider giving it a go on that basis, BUT he has also been put on alert. He can't be blindsided and you won't consider trying because you know he'll catch you and leave. You'll know that he hasn't foegotten and won't.

 

By the way, I hope you aren't weighing whether or not it's a good idea to tell. You HAVE to tell. Finding out later would make him mistrust you.

[txgrl]

Thank you road , for a most insightful ad encouraging post .

 

Thank you mermeade , no , that is not why I asked .

[sandylee1]

I would not be with a man who was unfaithful to HIS WIFE. If it was a GF.. I would. If a man doesn't take his marriage vows seriously.. I don't want such a man.

 

It also depends on the nature of the infidelity. ONS or affair. An affair shows a level of deceit over a period of time .... . I can accept a ONS as a mistake and serious error in judgement.

[purplesorrow]

Let me answer this question in a different context. Students & Teachers.

 

Teachers are amazing, hardworking, etc etc etc--the deciders of the world. *Some* Students--lazy, unmotivated, indifferent.

 

There are teachers who believe in their standards--once a student fails, cheats, shows lazy behavior, acts inappropriately, the teacher expects the student will only repeat that same behavior. Expect those lazy bums to be the lazy bums for life. They believe nobody EVER changes.

 

And…then there are other teachers who believe in the actual values of learning--learning is a process; that ACTUALLY, the ones who fail miserably, or even cheat, often come out to be the most hard-working, decent, dedicated, and diligent students in class--because they *learned* from their OWN mistakes. It's a much more treasured and insightful and personal experience.

 

My suggestion, for you, come clean from the start about your past. If the person you date, dumps you because of your dark history, then be very very very thankful that you actually got saved from such a judgmental person. Allow that person to find a 'perfect' partner and then later discover that his/her perfect partner actually was cheating too. OOPS.

 

Many people will drop you once you tell them you were a former cheater. But you WILL find some people who actually will value you for your honesty and your genuine attempt to be a faithful partner. They will actually respect you for being honest about your flaws.

 

You are well informed about how an infidelity starts off. Usually, because the marriage is unhappy and dysfunctional. Most of the times, people cheat because they are unhappy/bored in their marriages, instead of addressing the issues and putting in the hard work to make the marriage work.

 

Since you know that, you actually are less likely to cheat, if you are truly repentant because you know the warning signs and you know exactly what it will take to make a future relationship work. You will question your own actions--that makes you a worthy person.

 

The people who are self reflective are much more valuable human beings than the ones who are so readily judgmental.

 

Not cheating doesn't equal perfect. It equals not being a cheater. Why is someone who chooses not to date her called judgemental? Why can't it be that they also learned from being cheated on?

[txgrl]

I meant burnt and not road .. Sorry .

 

Purple , I personally don't think that someone who doesn't want a partner with a cheating history , is being judgements like at all . Let's not get into that debate .

[txgrl]

I totally understand your opinion and respect it . Mine was an affair .thanks

[purplesorrow]

I totally understand your opinion and respect it . Mine was an affair .thanks

 

Would you date someone with a cheating past? I truly do believe people change. What will your deal breakers be?

[txgrl]

I donot know, to be honest , because I haven't been in a situation like that .

 

I think if they have repented and will not do it again , then I donot want to be told .

I think I would be quite forgiving about it if I knew or found out later . As long a they don't repeat it .