purplesorrow Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 His affair was far more damaging to me than the divorce. The divorce gave me much needed peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 So in general, if a cheater got consequences and seem and act remorseful , people are more likely to give them a second chance ? Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 So in general, if a cheater got consequences and seem and act remorseful , people are more likely to give them a second chance ? For me...the chances would be better than otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 If you met someone whom you really liked to the point of considering marriage , they told you right off the bat that they committed infidelity but have repented and will never do it again . Will you trust them and still want a relationship with them ? I would need to be in the situation, with some specifics of why it happened, how, how long ago and what has changed in order to say. I wouldn't immediately write someone off because of it, but the details of how, why and who they are proving themselves to be today would be the factors I would use to judge them, among the other things with which I evaluate people I'm dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I don't believe the "always a cheater" mentality. My parents had a terrible marriage, both cheated, married was short lived, full of conflict etc etc. Since then my dad has been happily, and faithfully married to his second wife for well over 25 years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 i'm currently dating a man who had an affair during his first marriage. we talked about a LOT of things... so obviously, that subject came up. and he decided to be very honest about his experience; he also made sure that i was comfortable with that subject, he made sure that i wouldn't be triggered (i'm a fBS and he knew about it) and told me his story. he took responsibility for his actions, didn't trash his xW, xOW... he knew exactly where and how he went wrong and WHY -- so just the way he talked about everything told me a lot about where he is right now. and it opened up a lot of great questions and we talked and we talked... we agreed on many things and disagreed on some. and i decided that him having that affair isn't a dealbreaker and that i really, REALLY like him and even more important - he really likes me. so i continued to date him and after some time... i realized one thing. i actually feel incredibly safe in this relationship. we have open conversations about everything - he is aware of the affair; how easily they begin, he is able to put up strong boundaries, he is able to recognize the problems in the relationship and deal with them... he knows how much pain he brought to folks with his affair and he is doing everything he can to avoid that. so i actually trust him more than my other partners who never did cheat. finally -- i think carhill said it the best: I'd ask them how they came to that conclusion. It might evolve a productive conversation about boundaries. Trust and respect are developed over time and with demonstration of walking the talk and demonstrating healthy behavior and boundaries. At the start, with anyone, they are a stranger. I trust them to breathe if they want to live. Everything else is verified. you really never know. you don't know what will happen in the future. if i meet someone i have an undeniable connection with -- i won't turn my back to that because of that person's past and fear that he'll do the same to me. i'll definitely take the risk - que sera, sera. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 Unless there are specific answers to the question I'd have to ask, My answer would be no, wouldn't even consider it a plausible task. My questions would include whether the affair went on for years or not, Whether she was remorseful of the cheating, or just because she got caught. Whether she ever told the truth to her husband, or if it never saw the light of day, And lastly, who it was with, and if they still talk to them in any way. For the woman who carried on in an affair for years, has shown me she can deceive and sleep fine without fear, As redhead said, if she blames the other person that she cheated on, It shows me no accountability was taken, no responsibility to don. If she never told the truth, she never faced the consequences of such action, I'd never really have faith that our own relationship could keep traction, And if they still worked and talked with them, even to this day, Well, she can keep that connection with him, for I'd stay far away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Horton Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Second, remorse by a cheater is good. But if they are truly remorseful then that also means they are likely still in love with the BS and will always be thinking about them. I don't need that in my life. This is my main issue with this scenario as well, the very notion that they're truly remorseful for what they did to their exBS would make me question if I would always be their backup plan at best and that they would always view their exBS as the "one that got away." That's when things get iffy to me, it's not that I think everybody who has ever cheated is automatically gonna be a brazen cheater behind their new spouses back. I believe people really can change(I don't think most really do, but I think some are the real deal) but I can't help but suspect that their new spouse might never be able to fully fill the exBS's shoes. I view this scenario as vaguely similar to marrying a widow/widower in the sense that I wouldn't say never, but I'd really have to be absolutely convinced that I wasn't just a substitute for the person they still wish they had. Of course it's a much bigger risk in the affair scenario cause generally that person is still alive and could very well decide one day to just come strolling right back into our lives again. And who's to say how even a repentant WS might react to finally getting that second chance that they spent so many years hoping and praying for? In short, it's a big risk you're asking a person to take, most simply won't chance it and if you find one who will you ought to treat them like a king/queen IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Thank you for all your posts . Drreply, good rhyming Minimariah, did you know going in you were talking to someone who had cheated on the past , or did it come up later once you guys were already talking and the connection was there ? The problem is that a reformed cheater will not go and share this information with just about everyone they talk to . But they also don't want to be dishonest so they don't want someone falling for them and THEN springing it in them . When do they tell ??! Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Minimariah, did you know going in you were talking to someone who had cheated on the past , or did it come up later once you guys were already talking and the connection was there ? he told me on our 3rd date; we had a really strong connection from the moment we met -- it was instant and we decided to explore it. our third date was in the literally first week of me even knowing him, so he told me pretty soon. you'll know when to tell... when the moment is right and when the topic of love and relationships and fidelity just comes up. on that third date, we started talking about relationships and affairs; i mentioned my xH and as it turned out - he knows him, they worked together. so he knew what had happened in my marriage and knew i was the BS. he would tell me either way, i'm sure but when he realized i was the BS once... he was super careful with it. he had me when he made sure i wasn't triggered by his story and when he was ready for me to walk out, LOL. the subject of love will come up eventually and that will be your chance. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 First of all, after finding out the expense and the difficulty of getting a divorce after catching my Ex cheating, I will never remarry. To rephrase the question, "Would I let myself go and risk falling in love with a cheater?" The answer is most definitely yes. It all depends on the situation. From my observation, there are a number of husbands who by their actions deserve to be cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Thanks minim. 2.5, I'm sorry to hear about your experience . My observation is that when one cheats, they damage themselves the most . I respectfully disagree . No one deserves to be cheated on . Thanks for your input . Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 No, I wouldn't. Relationships are built on trust and if the person has betrayed someone's trust whom they apparently declared love / devotion at some point , then how am I to know they wouldn't do the same to me ? I doubt though that majority of cheaters blow their horn ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 I doubt it too . Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ? I can never get a second chance ? Relationship history is important. I always ask or find out about that. I've never cheated in my life and have had quality relationships so no I'd never date let alone marry a cheater. If someone cheated once under the age of 18, felt incredibly guilty and never did it again - I'd consider it. I'd never deal with an adult that cheated after their 20s. If a girl cheated more than once? I'd never deal with her. I like people with long term integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 6, 2016 Author Share Posted March 6, 2016 Thank you health for your post . Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 If you met someone whom you really liked to the point of considering marriage , they told you right off the bat that they committed infidelity but have repented and will never do it again . Will you trust them and still want a relationship with them ? Generally no. The exceptions being if they did it when they were really young (under 25) or a long (more than 10 years ago) because then I can write it down as a lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 Bumping this up so anyone who loses their posting privileges will have a published explanation for that action. Ignoring the directives of moderation may result in loss of privileges or suspension so post with that in mind. Folks, as a reminder, this is a general question placed in our general relationship forum. Focus on that question and offer opinion from your perspective on it. Would *you* marry someone who has been unfaithful? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
allofme Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 (edited) Maybe, if he was honest about it. And if he can show me he is the right guy. Some people are just inherently bad, cheater or non cheater. I have cheated before. Was poor judgement, immaturity and the fact that I did not have the courage to leave the abuser so I cheated on him instead. He later on lied to me about having a new gf and cheated on her with me (I was unaware of his new girl). A guy who went through pain still imposed the same pain on other people. Trust me. This type of people is the worst. And they are usually liars. People value honesty very much. I plan on being honest about my cheating with whoever I meet in the future. And I have grown up so much from my affair and his abuse that I'd say I learned a lot more than people who've never experienced cheating or cheated. If they can't see that, *I* wouldn't marry them. Edited March 6, 2016 by allofme 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 I know what it's like to be cheated on. Cheaters cheat when things are bad in a relationship. I could never trust a person like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) I would not have married "them"- but I did not get that choice because my wife (then GF/fiance') hid and lied ... and so much more... from me till after I fell in love and married her. Because she knew me well enough that she knew I would have stopped dating her. However to be more specific on this one issue - she was at the time - an unabashed, unremorseful mistress to two different married men and continued to maintain a hidden emotional relationship with one - even after marriage. So this is not a "I cheated on my last husband/boyfriend and I feel really bad about it, and regret it and would never hurt you" kind of case. I might have been willing to consider this, if I felt it was heartfelt confession and the person had really grown from it. Honesty is always the best policy if your serious with someone new and have some baggage or skeletons in your past. Most of us have something - I had things (not cheating-but difficult) that I had to confess at some point in my dating when it was getting serious. Edited March 8, 2016 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 I went on a couple dates last summer with a guy that ended up going nowhere. Why? Because my gut told me there was way more to the story than he was telling me about why his marriage ended. I'm pretty sure he cheated and that's why the marriage ended. He didn't tell me that, I just had a feeling about it. At this point in my life, I have learned to trust that gut instinct because it's always right. If I happened to meet someone I really liked and he was honest with me about his past choices, it's my gut instinct I would trust. Who is he now? What does he have to say about it all. What did he learn from why it happened and how he got to where he is. I'm not perfect myself. I've never cheated but I have my own mistakes. I would hope that some future man would be able to see who I am today because of what I learned from my mistakes and not cut me off because of some stupid choice I made ages ago. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get to the point of considering marriage with someone I didn't fully trust anyway. I'd know long before that conversation came around whether or not he was someone I could give my all to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 No - not a chance. Past performance is a good indicator of future behavior so I would not risk my heart with such a woman. Not just marriage - I wouldn't want any kind of committed relationship with a cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) If I happened to meet someone I really liked and he was honest with me about his past choices, it's my gut instinct I would trust. Who is he now? What does he have to say about it all. What did he learn from why it happened and how he got to where he is. The things is, when you are ready to start seriously considering things like this you are already biased toward him/her so you can't really trust your gut instinct. I agree that your instincts are important but the time to make this decision is when you first consider committing to each other exclusively. That's the time to discuss things like this and then to consider whether you still want to be with this person. Edited March 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author txgrl Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 Thank you for your comments Link to post Share on other sites
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