Would you marry someone who has been unfaithful?

[Tayla]

Not cheating doesn't equal perfect. It equals not being a cheater. Why is someone who chooses not to date her called judgemental? Why can't it be that they also learned from being cheated on?

 

Usually because judgmental is labeling the entire person based on a poor decision and action they made at some stage of their life. In someways its closed minded.

 

Op, a previous poster mentioned being remorseful. I tend to agree. I take such talk on a case by case. I don' t dismiss the behavior.. I accept that they are open to change. No one here is immune to crossing the line... We are capable of re adjusting though.

 

So my answer is.... on a case by case or need to know.

[purplesorrow]

My ex is very repentant and I truly believe he wouldn't cheat again. I just know if I stayed I would have kept part of myself from him. That wouldn't be fair to him, everyone deserves to be loved fully. I hope you find what you're looking for.

[bigman1]

I would not consider a former cheater. It's not just because of the once a Cheater always one concept. It's because I have certain unspoken quafications.

 

I would not consider a former stripper or porn actress. I would not consider a former drug addict or former alcholic. I would not consider someone who was once in an open relationship or poly. When I was younger, women with kids were not considered. I also did not consider women with limited education. There were a whole lot of things that were disqualifiers. None....read that again NONE of my disqualifiers meant the women were unworthy, unredeemable or undeserving of happiness.

 

These are all fine people, but for me, those things disqualify them from consideration by me. To use a sports metaphor, you want the 7 foot tall guy as your center. It doesn't mean that you don't like shorter players, it's just that the position of center needs the tall guy.

[Mrs. John Adams]

yes...I would

 

People make poor choices in their lifetime....you hope you learn from those choices good and bad....and become a better person.

 

I cheated on my husband 33 years ago. 2 years later he had a revenge affair.

 

We have an amazing relationship full of love and respect. If either of us were to pass away....I cannot imagine that we would be judged on our past rather then who we are presently.

 

I am not a cheater....but I have cheated. I am not one who believes that I carry the cheater label for the rest of my life. 33 years is a lifetime....many people on this forum have not even been alive 33 years much less married 33 years.

 

Many "cheaters" have worked very hard to become better individuals...to address those characteristics that allowed them to cheat. I know I have grown as a person....I know that I understand what I need to do to maintain proper boundaries. I know who I am....and what i did....and who I have become...and who I want to be. I am an excellent wife...DESPITE....my infidelity.

 

I know there are those individuals who just could not be with a person who has cheated...and I understand that they need to do what is best for them. But not everyone feels the same way.

[elaine567]

To use a sports metaphor, you want the 7 foot tall guy as your center. It doesn't mean that you don't like shorter players, it's just that the position of center needs the tall guy.

 

Yes, that pretty much sums it up.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Since I am 5'1" I guess I lose all the way around...

 

Bigman...that's quite a list of folks you won't consider. That narrows it down to a very small pool of available and qualified women.

[carhill]

If you met someone whom you really liked to the point of considering marriage , they told you right off the bat that they committed infidelity but have repented and will never do it again.

I'd ask them how they came to that conclusion. It might evolve a productive conversation about boundaries.

Will you trust them and still want a relationship with them ?

Trust and respect are developed over time and with demonstration of walking the talk and demonstrating healthy behavior and boundaries. At the start, with anyone, they are a stranger. I trust them to breathe if they want to live. Everything else is verified.

[AnnaGem]

I'm always fascinated with how cemented people are when it comes to judging "cheaters".

 

People have NO idea what goes on in a relationship, the circumstances they are in, or what motivates people to make decisions.

 

My ex-husband never cheated on me with another woman, but he joined Ashley Madison & swinger sites behind my back. He lied about where he wanted to be in his life when it came to work and religion. I was constantly getting misinformation from him and was gaslighted by him throughout our marriage.

 

During that time, I was faithful, and always honest and upfront about everything I felt in life- religion, sex, kids, work, etc..

 

After 14 years of marriage, I wanted out and could not for the life of me figure out how to tell him... my coward move? having an affair.. I admitted it after less than a month... was I stupid? yes? was I a coward? absolutely.. have I reflected on my ways and gone through therapy to develop tools to help me communicate and assert my needs in a more constructive way than resorting to behaviors that sabatoge others? Absolutely.

 

Am I a cheater that should perpetually be judged by future boyfriends and society in general? No ****ing way.

 

 

It's fascinating that every other negative behavior that can ruin a relationship can be "resolved" and overlooked, yet people are fixated that a cheater just simply cannot be "fixed".

[txgrl]

Big man, I totally get and respect your 7 ft center analogy .

 

Mrs.ja, you re a gracious , wonderful person as all the regulars here will agree to . Thanks for your post .

[txgrl]

Anna,

Everyone has their own dealbreakers and I respect that . I donot think someone is disrespecting me by telling me they can't see past my cheating past .

[AnnaGem]

I guess it comes down to being compatible then... some don't want to date others with a big number of partners and some don't want to date someone who made a mistake in their life and learned from it...

 

 

I find the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" offensive. It's like assuming someone who has had a "high" number of partners is [promiscuous].

 

It's a pretty harsh comment to make.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[txgrl]

Anna,

They re not saying once a cheater always a cheater . They are saying they are uncomfortable with someone with a cheating past .

 

I personally think it's perfectly ok to feel that way and to voice that opinion in a respectful way .

[veggirl]

Depends on the situation. If they had a full blown affair while married then NO. If they cheated on their college girlfriend 10 years ago, then okay.

[elaine567]

It's fascinating that every other negative behavior that can ruin a relationship can be "resolved" and overlooked, yet people are fixated that a cheater just simply cannot be "fixed".

 

Most know that living with a cheater is very hard - trust destroyed, living on edge, worried that they will cheat again, damaged self esteem, continual monitoring needed, triggers and flashbacks...etc etc. Often years of torture.

 

Most hence want to reduce the risk of ending up with a cheater.

Former cheaters have already crossed the cheating barrier, so it is assumed they will find it easier to do so again, so best avoided.

[waterwoman]

It depends. I think I would need to see some pretty firm evidence that they had looked into why they thought cheating was a good solution to perceived problems and what solutions they would use next time. Because I do not believe for one single second that a relationship will be without it's stress point and resentments - how would they cope with them this time round?

[AnnaGem]

The phrase was used earlier in this thread.

 

My advice to you would be to learn from your mistakes and decide on how YOU feel about your situation, not what others think.

 

Yes, others are entitled to their opinions and their own deal breakers, but it's very easy to be hard on yourself. For me, I carried so much guilt and regret and it didn't help that it felt like everybody else saw me as negatively as a I saw myself.

For a while, I felt compelled to defend or justify myself, but at at the end of the day people will feel what they feel.

Your guilt + others judgement could prevent you from moving on in a healthy way.

Don't worry about what others think about cheaters, which you seem to do since you created this thread, but rather, learn from your mistakes and learn how to forgive yourself. Hearing and accepting the negative opinions of others isn't going to help you love yourself again.

[Mrin]

OP: to me there is a huge difference between cheating on me vs cheating in a prior relationship. I would never marry a woman who had unfaithful to me. And I would probably have a very hard time staying married to a woman who had been unfaithful.

 

But - could I marry sowmone who had been unfaithful in the past with someone else? Categorically I would say of course. I mean it depends on the nature of the infidelity, what the circumstances were and when it occurred for sure but yes, I could definitely reconcile things for myself.

[AnnaGem]

Most know that living with a cheater is very hard - trust destroyed, living on edge, worried that they will cheat again, damaged self esteem, continual monitoring needed, triggers and flashbacks...etc etc. Often years of torture.

 

Most hence want to reduce the risk of ending up with a cheater.

Former cheaters have already crossed the cheating barrier, so it is assumed they will find it easier to do so again, so best avoided.

 

Cheating isn't the only scenario that causes toxic damage in a relationship..

 

There are a host of situations where people have ruined their relationships- addictions, selfishness, money problems, isolation, bad communication skills, etc...yet, we allow people flexibility to learn and grow from the mistakes that stem from them- no matter how negatively they impacted a marriage or relationship...

 

all i'm saying is cheating isn't black and white, and it's unfortunate that people see it that way...

[road]

So , I , as someone who was committed infidelity once , never before , learned my lesson , repented , will never do it again , can never be with someone nice ?

 

I can never get a second chance ?

 

 

How old are you and how many years have you been dealing with infidelity forums?

 

 

See I am old and have been on these forums for decades.

 

 

I have seen enough WS's go on and have future affairs to make me wish I had a dollar for every time I have read their story.

 

 

So if I was dating a woman and she said by the way I was a WW or WGF before but I have learned my lesson now. It would make me very nervous. It would take me a long time before I would even say the three little words.

 

 

 

 

Let alone propose to her.

 

 

If she would not let me have access to her email, cell, texts, FB, passwords, not be an open book she can hit the road. Unfortunately past behavior is an indicator of future behavior. And those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

 

She lost her right to privacy when she abused it and used it to have an affair.

[JohnAdams]

Thankfully I am not in the dating scene and hope I never am again. I just want to live happily ever after and die together in bed after a great night of lovemaking shortly after my 100th birthday.

 

 

I do think however, if, I was ever in the situation to marry someone, I would be pretty picky. Perhaps not quite as extensive a list as bigman's, but, I can think of quite a few deal breakers for me. Would cheating be one? I think it really depends of the circumstances. For one thing, they did not cheat on me. If I felt they would never cheat on me and everything else was great, it would not be a deal breaker.

 

 

We all take a chance when we marry. We think we are special and our significant other would never cheat. If you are with someone who did cheat, you know they are capable. Do you take a chance? I think this is a grey area, there is no black and white. The circumstances will dictate the outcome. Even some of the items I consider a deal breaker could be overcome with the right circumstances.

[txgrl]

I am really appreciating all the posts on this thread .

No, I did not create this thread to beat myself more .

I wanted to hear different perspectives .

Mr and mrs . JA. I wish you two the very very best .

[William]

Folks, as a reminder, this is a general question placed in our general relationship forum. Focus on that question and offer opinion from your perspective on it. Would *you* marry someone who has been unfaithful? Thanks!

[PegNosePete]

If you met someone whom you really liked to the point of considering marriage , they told you right off the bat that they committed infidelity

I would not get to the point of considering marriage with a person who told me this right off the bat. If they told me that right off the bat I would not see them again.

 

But then again, if they didn't tell me right off the bat, but told me when I was considering marriage... I would feel lied to. A lie of omission. And I would not consider marriage with someone who lied to me.

 

So I guess to tell or not to tell is a lose-lose scenario to me, I'm afraid.

Edited March 4, 2016 by PegNosePete

[bigman1]

I'm not on the dating scene, happily married for years. I did not get disqualified nor did she.

 

I should probably add, if the person cheated in a youthful relationship, then that would not be a problem. I mean boyfriend/girlfriend stuff that was not heading towards marriage. Makes no sense, and seems contradictory, but that's how I see it.

 

Actually, people all know that other folks have disqualifying standards. Think about it, people don't reveal their "number of prior partners" for a reason. We can cute it up and say that it is none of the new person's business, but that really begs the question. You don't tell because you don't want to get disqualified.

 

Thanks for liking the basketball analogy.

[txgrl]

Repenting , being remorseful. To me , the same thing .

 

I meant if you really were looking to marry and found someone you really liked and they told you they were unfaithful in their first marriage , would you still like to pursue the relationship or would you run for the hills ?