Would you marry someone who has been unfaithful?

[txgrl]

I've only been on these forums a couple of years and that too irregularly .

[Redhead14]

Repenting , being remorseful. To me , the same thing .

 

I meant if you really were looking to marry and found someone you really liked and they told you they were unfaithful in their first marriage , would you still like to pursue the relationship or would you run for the hills ?

 

It's is my belief that for every rat you see, there are 50 more behind it or waiting . . .

 

That being said, if I were dating someone who revealed that information to me and I was considering a long-term relationship with them, they would be needing to cross every T and dot every I while dating me. They couldn't miss a beat. If they caused me even one shred of insecurity based on their behavior with me (and not because I was worrying about the past) . . . I'd be gone.

[PegNosePete]

That being said, if I were dating someone who revealed that information to me and I was considering a long-term relationship with them, they would be needing to cross every T and dot every I while dating me. They couldn't miss a beat.

Yeah, but that isn't a relationship, it's a prison guard. A relationship should be built on respect and trust. Not monitoring every T to check it's crossed or every I to make sure it's dotted. I wouldn't want that kind of relationship. No thanks.

[QueenElsa]

I'm always fascinated with how cemented people are when it comes to judging "cheaters".

 

People have NO idea what goes on in a relationship, the circumstances they are in, or what motivates people to make decisions.

 

My ex-husband never cheated on me with another woman, but he joined Ashley Madison & swinger sites behind my back. He lied about where he wanted to be in his life when it came to work and religion. I was constantly getting misinformation from him and was gaslighted by him throughout our marriage.

 

During that time, I was faithful, and always honest and upfront about everything I felt in life- religion, sex, kids, work, etc..

 

After 14 years of marriage, I wanted out and could not for the life of me figure out how to tell him... my coward move? having an affair.. I admitted it after less than a month... was I stupid? yes? was I a coward? absolutely.. have I reflected on my ways and gone through therapy to develop tools to help me communicate and assert my needs in a more constructive way than resorting to behaviors that sabatoge others? Absolutely.

 

Am I a cheater that should perpetually be judged by future boyfriends and society in general? No ****ing way.

 

 

It's fascinating that every other negative behavior that can ruin a relationship can be "resolved" and overlooked, yet people are fixated that a cheater just simply cannot be "fixed".

 

For me it isn't about claiming the person is " unfixable " or what have you.

 

It's about not being able to know at all (in the beginning) if they are trustworthy at all. Because they aren't "my" cheater. I have been cheated on by my spouse. I am fairly confident that he won't do it again. However, more often than not, those that cheat do it again.

 

And since I would just be starting out in a new relationship, I would be able to gauge it at all. Some who cheat simply figure, "well, you knew what kind of partner I was" or "you started acting rude like my ex-wife so what did you expect?"

 

I'm just not willing to go through that risk in a new relationship.

 

Someone in my proximity lost their first marriage including three kids to his own infidelity. He is religious as well. You would think that having that harsh of an experience would really have set a solid lesson for him. But no. He's been cheating on his second wife. His excuse for the first time? "Our marriage was already over." Except for the pesky fact of telling his wife, their children, a divorce lawyer etc.

[Emilia]

Repenting , being remorseful. To me , the same thing .

 

I meant if you really were looking to marry and found someone you really liked and they told you they were unfaithful in their first marriage , would you still like to pursue the relationship or would you run for the hills ?

 

How long ago was this? If 10 years ago and they've been good since then probably ok. If previous relationship then it's a gamble

[Redhead14]

Yeah, but that isn't a relationship, it's a prison guard. A relationship should be built on respect and trust. Not monitoring every T to check it's crossed or every I to make sure it's dotted. I wouldn't want that kind of relationship. No thanks.

 

If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences and until it's clear to others that you have realized the error of your ways.

 

And, you're right, that is the bottom line, I wouldn't want to live with that, so I wouldn't bother. They've established themselves as a rat, so I'd let them continue to run with the rats.

 

My point in saying that each T would have to be crossed, etc. is to show the cheater how their behavior affects the ability to have another relationship . . .

[TX-SC]

It would depend on the situation, but probably not. There are two issues with it.

 

First, a person who has been unfaithful has a higher chance of repeating that act. Studies show that to be true, by a wide margin.

 

Second, remorse by a cheater is good. But if they are truly remorseful then that also means they are likely still in love with the BS and will always be thinking about them. I don't need that in my life.

 

Not remorsrful: red flag

Remorseful: red flag

 

But, if you were young, say pre-26, when you cheated, I might chalk that up to being too young to make good decisions. Also, if abuse or neglect was involved, I might consider it. I might also consider it if you had extensive IC and found and dealt with your issues. Even then, I would be constantly on guard. It's usually not worth the effort.

[Clay]

I think me personally there is no way I would take that kind of a chance again. So my answer would be NO.

 

I have found in my life aside of Murder there is no greater betrayal than that.

 

C

[stillafool]

If you met someone whom you really liked to the point of considering marriage , they told you right off the bat that they committed infidelity but have repented and will never do it again .

Will you trust them and still want a relationship with them ?

 

I have to know the details but probably yes.

[Emilia]

 

Second, remorse by a cheater is good. But if they are truly remorseful then that also means they are likely still in love with the BS and will always be thinking about them. I don't need that in my life.

 

Not remorsrful: red flag

Remorseful: red flag

No I don't think that's true. Feeling remorse for treating someone badly is a sign of empathy and it's independent of being in love. You don't feel bad because you love someone, you feel bad because you are able understand their hurt.

[heartwhole]

I am very risk-averse. I highly doubt it. I would need concrete reason to believe that the character flaws that caused the cheating had been the subject of some serious hard work and lasting change.

 

I've asked myself this since my husband cheated. I imagined that we met as two strangers, and he was some divorcee who had cheated on his ex-wife. Would I consider dating him then? And the answer is, most likely no. In fact, I know that when I first met him, I thought he might be a "player" and I purposely avoided him for three months while he pursued me because of it.

 

But, I'm still married. I do believe that change is possible. It's just hard and most people will not undertake the effort to do so without a great inducement (you know, like keeping your family together). But some will. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" in our case. We went 17 years without anything like this happening. We have put in an enormous amount of work into healing and changing. If for no reason other than his own self-interest, I know WH would not go down that road again. He knows the price he'll pay far outweighs the fleeting fun. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't scare me. But what scares me is "Once a self-absorbed conflict-avoider, always a self-absorbed conflict avoider." It's easy not to accidentally have sex with another woman. It's harder to become a selfless person who deals with his problems head-on.

 

So all this is to say . . . cheating is a red flag for issues of character. Character is hard to change, but it can be done. We all make mistakes and learn and grow from them. If you can understand how the person made those mistakes and see how much they've grown, then OK, but I'd still proceed with caution.

[Dreamworld]

Adding to my previous comment txgrl, and not being judgmental to you in the least, if it came out that way!

 

To be honest I was actually the "it's ok if he had cheated before" before I got married to the man who admitted his cheating past to me. Very naively I thought, he had met me, things would be fine. This same man would end up cheating on me repeatedly throughout our entire marriage. Social culture and a little child kept me from leaving the marriage until the emotional toll started to take hold of my physical health. For the sake of my health and for my child who needed me, I left.

 

Regardless again, I still dont hold the way too simple once a cheater always a cheater concept, but I dont ever want to take that risk again.

[cocorico]

Would *you* marry someone who has been unfaithful?

 

I did.

 

Have had no cause to regret it. And if at some future point he is unfaithful in our R, I will still have had the decade/s of wonderful memories before that, to cherish.

 

Perhaps if he'd been unfaithful *to me* I might feel differently, but as things stand, it's really not an issue. I understand how and why it happened - and more importantly, so does he.

[txgrl]

Really appreciate and respect all the honest and helpful posts here .

[66Charger]

I think the important thing here is timelines and the real truth. What we did in our youth or decades ago, we might not do those same things today. Someone who recently cheated probably needs time to figure out why they did what they did. Without understanding your behaviours, you may be prone to repeat them.

 

Also I think consequences are a big factor. Consequences can change a behaviour immediately. If someone told me they cheated and never confessed, essentially got away with it, that would be a reflection on their character. When people give advice to never tell your spouse, that shows that person is capable of lying forever. That is not a red flag. That is a supernova.

 

The main character flaw I rule out, is a liar. If you can look at me in my face and consistently straight out lie, there is no chance. Everyone makes mistakes, but the lie is forever until it is no longer a lie.

[Redhead14]

It would depend on the situation, but probably not. There are two issues with it.

 

First, a person who has been unfaithful has a higher chance of repeating that act. Studies show that to be true, by a wide margin.

 

Second, remorse by a cheater is good. But if they are truly remorseful then that also means they are likely still in love with the BS and will always be thinking about them. I don't need that in my life.

 

Not remorsrful: red flag

Remorseful: red flag

 

But, if you were young, say pre-26, when you cheated, I might chalk that up to being too young to make good decisions. Also, if abuse or neglect was involved, I might consider it. I might also consider it if you had extensive IC and found and dealt with your issues. Even then, I would be constantly on guard. It's usually not worth the effort.

It depends on why they are remorseful -- Do they empathize with the partner they've hurt or are they just sorry they got caught?

 

The cheater who says "I hurt my ex so much and I have no excuse for it" might get a little of my "sympathy" compared to the cheater who says "He/she wasn't meeting my needs so I sought comfort elsewhere" who would get the boot immediately.

Edited March 4, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Remove bolding

[sandylee1]

It's not just cheating.. but other negative things even if the individual was remorseful or has changed that some may not accept.

 

I wouldn't date or marry anyone who used to do drugs or has been in prison. I agree they may have reformed.. but that was once who they were.

 

It doesn't mean you're currently a bad person by any means.. but you could meet someone who has previously been cheated on so they have a zero tolerance policy.

 

Again, I think infidelity in a relationship is not as serious as infidelity in marriage. Once you take your vows that should be the end of that Stuff.

[central]

It depends on the circumstances, and on my estimation of their ability and determination to never do that again.

 

 

I'd rather take may chances with a reformed cheater than with someone who has any of a variety of other issues (assuming the reformed cheater doesn't have those as well).

[txgrl]

I agree that cheating in a marriage is graver than cheating in a relationship .

 

Thank you for all the insightful posts .

[OneLov]

Yes. Obviously it depends on your personal beliefs, but I do believe people are capable of change. Is everyone? No. But are some? Absolutely.

[txgrl]

I cannot think of what kind of reassurances can a reformed cheater give other than promise never to do it again ?

[Woggle]

It would depend on how long ago and how sincere her remorse was.

[OneLov]

I agree that cheating in a marriage is graver than cheating in a relationship .

 

I agree. Although I believe it is worse for the particular relationship when a partner cheats in a LTR or marriage, I also see it is more understandable in terms of committing to someone who had previously been unfaithful in a former relationship. I know this sounds bizarre but hear me out.

 

Why would someone stay in a relationship where there is no joint property ownership, children, or future legally binding commitments if they were not happy about some aspect of the relationship (assuming person is not a serial cheater)?

 

But in a marriage you cannot just leave because things are not working because you took a vow to try to get things to work if they stopped working. Divorce and breaking up are totally different. I can see how people would step out in a situation where they cannot just leave. However, it is harder to understand stepping out when you are free to leave.

 

I am not justifying or excusing infidelity in any manner. I am only commenting on why it would be more understandable that someone cheated in marriage or LTR than a relationship where the only commitment is the present.

[purplesorrow]

I agree. Although I believe it is worse for the particular relationship when a partner cheats in a LTR or marriage, I also see it is more understandable in terms of committing to someone who had previously been unfaithful in a former relationship. I know this sounds bizarre but hear me out.

 

Why would someone stay in a relationship where there is no joint property ownership, children, or future legally binding commitments if they were not happy about some aspect of the relationship (assuming person is not a serial cheater)?

 

But in a marriage you cannot just leave because things are not working because you took a vow to try to get things to work if they stopped working. Divorce and breaking up are totally different. I can see how people would step out in a situation where they cannot just leave. However, it is harder to understand stepping out when you are free to leave.

 

I am not justifying or excusing infidelity in any manner. I am only commenting on why it would be more understandable that someone cheated in marriage or LTR than a relationship where the only commitment is the present.

 

But if they are divorced because of the infidelity then they could have divorced without the infidelity.

[66Charger]

I am not justifying or excusing infidelity in any manner. I am only commenting on why it would be more understandable that someone cheated in marriage or LTR than a relationship where the only commitment is the present.

 

The reverse is actually true. Thats what vows are for. Disclaimer if you took vows with your fingers crossed or your word means nothing.