Not sure what to do

[mudbloodgirl14]

Hi everyone. It's my first time to post here in loveshack but I've been routing this thread for few days already because I have a similar situation with you all here as an OW..So I decided to register and be part of this discussion and to also get moral support with you guys because I couldn't bear the pain and loneliness anymore.

 

My situation is almost the same with the OP except that my ex is not legally married yet. He's living with his fiance and their 2y/o daughter. At first I thought he's a single dad and since I'm an open minded person I don't mind him having a child and the fact that I love kids is a plus factor to me. By the way, he's my first real boyfriend (i had 2 ex online bfs that I've never met in person when I was in college and that weren't that serious). So yeah, he's the lucky one who got my virginity at 25 (I'm now 26). I had promised to myself that I will give it to the man I will truly love and yeah, for me he is THE ONE and I have no regrets for that.

 

To make the long story short, I've already fell in love with him deeply and gave him everything coz I thought everything was perfect, he's also the very first guy I introduced to my family and friends.....then I've found out that he is living with the mom of his child. And I know for that second that it will be a very big problem. So even though I love him so much I tried to walk away because I don't want to be an OW. HELL! At least I deserve to be the ONLY ONE right? I've waited for so long to have a real relationship just to become an OW? I tried to walk away but HE BEGGED TO ME SO MANY TIMES TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE AND TIME. He promised me that he will settle things in 1 to 2 months. He told me that he really love me and can't live without me, he even had a suicidal attempt when I first tried to broke it off.

 

I've seen many efforts and I really did feel that he loves me, so I gave him a chance. And that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE. I trusted him and even fell MORE DEEPLY in love with him and when 2 months had been passed, he started to get cold and ignore me like he turned 180degree. And I've read some of his conversation with his fiance sending I LOVE YOU with each other. Then just last feb7 he told me that he didn't love me anymore and it was all my fault. (He always accuse me of something that I really didn't do). I was devastated and feel so used, betrayed and broken. It's been almost a month since he broke up with me and 2 weeks of NC. Everyday is just a very big challenge to me, he even appears in my dreams ALWAYS. I lost weight so much. I'm keeping myself busy but he just can't get out of my head.

 

I'm so tired of this heavy feelings in my chest EVERY SINGLE DAY.

[Ms. Faust]

Well, I am just going to ask: What is it that he is accusing you of? Is him falling out of love with you directly related to what he accused you of?

[mudbloodgirl14]

@ Ms. Faust

 

He always accusing me of cheating even though I'm just at the middle of a meeting. He gets jealous even if I'm with my girl friends and so accusing me doing bad even if I'm not. He is always accusing me of lying just because I didn't reply to him in 30mins. I don't know why he has a lot of trust issues with me or it is all about his insecurities. I once told him "Maybe IT IS YOU who's doing that and you're throwing that to me to justify your guilt/conscience ". He got so angry and I got verbally abused.

 

My friends keep telling me that he's just using those excuses so that he has a reason for me to blame myself that's why he broke up with me. I don't know maybe it's true because he has no intention to break up with his fiance right from the start. I still love him after all. And it's killing me to stay NC when all i have in my heart and mind is ONLY HIM.

[RRM321]

He always accusing me of cheating even though I'm just at the middle of a meeting. He gets jealous even if I'm with my girl friends and so accusing me doing bad even if I'm not. He is always accusing me of lying just because I didn't reply to him in 30mins. I don't know why he has a lot of trust issues with me or it is all about his insecurities. I once told him "Maybe IT IS YOU who's doing that and you're throwing that to me to justify your guilt/conscience ". He got so angry and I got verbally abused.

 

My friends keep telling me that he's just using those excuses so that he has a reason for me to blame myself that's why he broke up with me. I don't know maybe it's true because he has no intention to break up with his fiance right from the start. I still love him after all. And it's killing me to stay NC when all i have in my heart and mind is ONLY HIM.

 

You've been duped by someone who is TOXIC. He is unhealthy, and the person being poisoned is YOU. He deceived you from the start. It takes real effort to conceal a live in fiance' and mother of his child. It takes even more effort to conceal the GF from the fiance' - and more effort still to keep you away from the daughter so she doesn't spill the beans to mommy.

 

The accusations keep you off balance, the best defense is a good offense and you can't question him or even think clearly if you're too busy defending yourself.

 

You can easily do NC if you accept the reality that you have landed in an abusive relationship. Yes - it's true! It can happen to the smartest and most people savvy of us. Do not linger on the notion that you couldn't possibly be so wrong about him - because you most certainly are.

 

The best of you is yet to come - THE ONE is still out there undiscovered and waiting for you. Move on.

[mudbloodgirl14]

You've been duped by someone who is TOXIC. He is unhealthy, and the person being poisoned is YOU. He deceived you from the start. It takes real effort to conceal a live in fiance' and mother of his child. It takes even more effort to conceal the GF from the fiance' - and more effort still to keep you away from the daughter so she doesn't spill the beans to mommy.

 

The accusations keep you off balance, the best defense is a good offense and you can't question him or even think clearly if you're too busy defending yourself.

 

You can easily do NC if you accept the reality that you have landed in an abusive relationship. Yes - it's true! It can happen to the smartest and most people savvy of us. Do not linger on the notion that you couldn't possibly be so wrong about him - because you most certainly are.

 

The best of you is yet to come - THE ONE is still out there undiscovered and waiting for you. Move on.

 

I know right. I know that ACCEPTANCE is the key. But as of now, it is still so hard for me to accept the reality. Mixed emotions of being used, betrayal, broken and longing for him at the same time. I'm doing my best to make myself always busy just to end up crying every night before sleeping. But yeah, I have to move forward for my own sake. I just can't believe that he just dumped me just like that when I did try to walk away before but I gave him a chance because he BEGGED and he PROMISED to settle things... and guess what, he doesn't look like affected at all now. He's even the one who blocked me on social media accounts. Well yeah, why would he? He has his fiance and daughter on his back. I believe in KARMA though.

 

Anyway, thank you for replying. It means a lot to me.

[healingsoul]

I agree with those who have already responded. This guy was a liar from the start and toxic because he was manipulative and controlling. I am so sorry you feel hurt and broken because you were horribly treated but you need to be grateful that you got out of this relationship before it went any further.

 

Since you wanted until 25 to find the person who loves you and then ended up with him, it will be hard for you to trust the next person but be slower with giving yourself over to the person you are falling in love with. Spend enough time with him so that you can find out his whole life situation before you become emotionally and sexually invested so that you do not get hurt again so quickly and easily.

 

There are so many selfish people in the world who are looking for people who will allow them to use them for their own benefits but who really have no serious commitment intentions. This is why I encourage you to spend time enjoying a person and doing activities outside of the bedroom to see how compatible you are and it will also give you time to find out more about them and their real life.

 

Now that you are alone again. Instead of immediately looking for the next guy, invest in yourself and discovering and pursuing what you want to do in life for fulfillment. This could help you get you mind off of the hurt you have been through and give you an opportunity to build yourself up so that you feel better about yourself and even have more to offer to the next relationship.

 

What do you love to do? What are you passionate about? What would you like to learn more about?

[sandylee1]

This man is a con man. You deserve a lot better and I have every sympathy with those who were lied to in the beginning. An ex BF lied to me.. he had a GF...and I introduced him to family members as well.

 

I dumped him immediately. I don't have much patience in my personal life for liars and cheaters.

 

This guy you're with is controlling with his accusations... a full time relationship with him isn't going to be good for you either.

 

How could you trust him when you started with lies. It's a shame you lost your virginity to a lying cheater.

[Babs22]

Mudbloodgirl,

This was a toxic relationship. So much of what you said indicates that he is an unstable person and your relationship would have been very damaging to you. Be thankful that he has ended it. You have learned a lesson and lessons of the heart are always painful. I agree with healingsoul, make sure the next time you start to care about someone that you take the time to find out everything you can about them before totally giving yourself to them.

 

You will get through this, and when you look back on this relationship, you will be thankful that you did not go back to him. You will realize how toxic this relationship was and be grateful you got out.

[RRM321]

I know right. I know that ACCEPTANCE is the key. But as of now, it is still so hard for me to accept the reality. Mixed emotions of being used, betrayal, broken and longing for him at the same time. I'm doing my best to make myself always busy just to end up crying every night before sleeping. But yeah, I have to move forward for my own sake. I just can't believe that he just dumped me just like that when I did try to walk away before but I gave him a chance because he BEGGED and he PROMISED to settle things... and guess what, he doesn't look like affected at all now. He's even the one who blocked me on social media accounts. Well yeah, why would he? He has his fiance and daughter on his back. I believe in KARMA though.

 

It is incredibly hard to do, this business of internalizing the truth about how blind or wrong we've been about someone.

 

The thing is, you have to go back to the beginning and understand the true character and dimension of the deception and what kind of personality would perpetrate that.

 

It's not like anyone can "forget" their 2 yr old daughter, or that they live with her mother. We'd be even less likely to "forget to mention" such a detail if the situation were indeed making us miserable. Hell, misery is usually everyone's most pressing topic!

 

Everything that followed from that was false, and unreal. Be angry, not sad. You're so much wiser now and that should make finding THE real ONE so much more likely.

[mudbloodgirl14]

I agree with those who have already responded. This guy was a liar from the start and toxic because he was manipulative and controlling. I am so sorry you feel hurt and broken because you were horribly treated but you need to be grateful that you got out of this relationship before it went any further.

 

Since you wanted until 25 to find the person who loves you and then ended up with him, it will be hard for you to trust the next person but be slower with giving yourself over to the person you are falling in love with. Spend enough time with him so that you can find out his whole life situation before you become emotionally and sexually invested so that you do not get hurt again so quickly and easily.

 

What do you love to do? What are you passionate about? What would you like to learn more about?

 

 

Thank you for the message. Yeah you're right I think it would be very hard for me to trust the next person. In fact, I don't see myself having a relationship again for a long time. I don't know, since this experience gave me a very big impact, it was like a trauma for me. And yeah, I really learned my lesson and I will make sure that I wouldn't get in this kind of situation ever again. Next time, I will be wiser.

 

By the way, I'm keeping myself busy again with the things I love like Rotary activities, dancing, hanging out with friends. But still I cry at the end of every day. I believe that time heals though so I'm not rushing myself. I'll just endure and embracing this pain until it wouldn't bother me anymore (don't know how long will it take though).

[mudbloodgirl14]

This man is a con man. You deserve a lot better and I have every sympathy with those who were lied to in the beginning. An ex BF lied to me.. he had a GF...and I introduced him to family members as well.

 

I dumped him immediately. I don't have much patience in my personal life for liars and cheaters.

 

This guy you're with is controlling with his accusations... a full time relationship with him isn't going to be good for you either.

 

How could you trust him when you started with lies. It's a shame you lost your virginity to a lying cheater.

 

I wish I'm strong like you the time that I tried to dump him after I found it out. But since it happened already so I guess I will just take it as BIG lesson in my life.

 

So, how about you? Are you healed now with that ex of yours? If so, how long does it took you to heal?

[mudbloodgirl14]

Mudbloodgirl,

This was a toxic relationship. So much of what you said indicates that he is an unstable person and your relationship would have been very damaging to you. Be thankful that he has ended it. You have learned a lesson and lessons of the heart are always painful. I agree with healingsoul, make sure the next time you start to care about someone that you take the time to find out everything you can about them before totally giving yourself to them.

 

You will get through this, and when you look back on this relationship, you will be thankful that you did not go back to him. You will realize how toxic this relationship was and be grateful you got out.

 

Yeah, I agree with everyone saying that this was a toxic relationship. I just got blind by my love for him and all the efforts that he exerted at the beginning of the relationship. Thank you and i really hope that it won't take that very long or me to feel better because in all honestly, I'm afraid that this will take me a year or more...That's how much it hurts me..

[Babs22]

Thank you for the message. Yeah you're right I think it would be very hard for me to trust the next person. In fact, I don't see myself having a relationship again for a long time. I don't know, since this experience gave me a very big impact, it was like a trauma for me. And yeah, I really learned my lesson and I will make sure that I wouldn't get in this kind of situation ever again. Next time, I will be wiser.

 

By the way, I'm keeping myself busy again with the things I love like Rotary activities, dancing, hanging out with friends. But still I cry at the end of every day. I believe that time heals though so I'm not rushing myself. I'll just endure and embracing this pain until it wouldn't bother me anymore (don't know how long will it take though).

 

mudbloodgirl,

Yes it may take some time to get over this relationship. You truly cared for him and that is not easy to get over. Every person on this forum has had a break up at some point in their lives and understands what you are going through. It may take a year, but during that year, each day it will hurt a little less. Each day you will make a little more sense about how it happened. And each day you will get closer to realizing that you were lucky to not end up with someone like him. I truly believe in the end you will feel thankful.

 

Good job on staying busy and getting back to doing the things you love! This will help a lot.

[loveboid]

Yeah, it's good that you're processing this toxic relationship. Remember all of his manipulation (love bombing you, threatening suicide on breaking up, etc.) ...read up on other things he did---this is a well known pattern that abusers follow. Know you did nothing wrong. Now you have wisdom and have been warned about people who choose to act like this. Once you process this experience you are less likely to find yourself in a similar situation in the future.

 

You have a better chance of finding the one now.

[Survivor12]

What you are going through would be difficult for anyone. The fact that he is your first love--and lover--makes it even harder to let go, heal & move on, but you can do it. The thing is, the only way to get past the pain is to go through it. It will take time and determination, but your attitude and awareness will help you tremendously.

 

The best advice I can give you is to try to separate your feelings of loss and the love you feel about the relationship away from him. He is not the person you thought he was when you gave you heart to him. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't real, but they have nothing to do with who he is and everything about who you are.

 

You are a loving & trusting person. Just because he turned out to be less of a man than he pretended to be does not change who you are. You still have the ability to love and be loved. He can't take that from you unless you let him. You will find someone deserving of what you are willing to give. In due time, you will find him.

 

In the meantime, take some solace in knowing that the sun will shine again--you will experience those exhilarating feelings again & you will be happy again. A few years ago, I had to walk away from someone i loved deeply. The pain he had caused me was just as deep, but it was still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. After the pain began to subside and I was healing from the loss, I realized that what I was really missing was no longer him but giving love and being loved. During that time, I felt so alone. In limbo.

 

One day, I realized that no matter what the future brought, I had experienced deep and true love and I felt grateful for that. You see, it wasn't about the fact that my loving was undeserved, it was that I had loved--and that love was still within me. At that moment, I began loving myself. I forgave myself for not knowing that he had deceived me. I was guilty only of trusting someone who didn't deserve it.

 

Yes, I am more cautious now, but I haven't lost my ability to trust--and to take chances on love. I'm just not as vulnerable as I once was and I know that in the end, while someone else can take away their love for me, they can't take away my ability to love.

 

Stay strong.

[Lois_Griffin]

Wow. WHERE is your anger at being conned by this piece of sh*t?

 

Years ago, I had a dirt bag pull the same crap on me. Claimed he was separated and divorcing and tricked me into a relationship with him. Of course, he couldn't keep his lies up indefinitely and eventually had to make his exit with some ridiculous excuse that I didn't really believe. But I didn't find out he was actively married until a few months AFTER our breakup.

 

When I found out that I'd been conned, I saw red. I immediately found his wife and contacted her and told her EVERYTHING. I sent her emails, pictures, sound files, virtually ANYTHING I could get my hands on and everything that she requested. And the lying piece of sh*t STILL tried to lie his way out of it.

 

You'd be amazed at how quickly the love you feel for this loser will dissipate when your ANGER kicks in. It sure did for me. I can't even wrap my brain around you feeling heartbroken when this low life LIED to you from day #1 and conned you into a relationship. The level of sheer DISRESPECT in that act alone is enough to tell you exactly what a piece of sh*t he really is.

 

I always believed if I ever crossed paths with the liar who conned me years ago, I'd make him bleed - and the scary part is, I would have.

[Ms. Faust]

 

You'd be amazed at how quickly the love you feel for this loser will dissipate when your ANGER kicks in. It sure did for me. I can't even wrap my brain around you feeling heartbroken when this low life LIED to you from day #1 and conned you into a relationship. The level of sheer DISRESPECT in that act alone is enough to tell you exactly what a piece of sh*t he really is.

 

I think Anger has a bad rap. Sometimes getting angry really helps in the healing process.

 

As the wise sage Johnny Rotten once said: "Get pissed. Destroy."

[mudbloodgirl14]

It is incredibly hard to do, this business of internalizing the truth about how blind or wrong we've been about someone.

 

The thing is, you have to go back to the beginning and understand the true character and dimension of the deception and what kind of personality would perpetrate that.

 

It's not like anyone can "forget" their 2 yr old daughter, or that they live with her mother. We'd be even less likely to "forget to mention" such a detail if the situation were indeed making us miserable. Hell, misery is usually everyone's most pressing topic!

 

Everything that followed from that was false, and unreal. Be angry, not sad. You're so much wiser now and that should make finding THE real ONE so much more likely.

 

Thank you for your message. I really know that this is for the best so although it hurts so much, I have to be strong and learn to ACCEPT these things.. I'm still in the process of trying to accept it but I'm still having a hard time but I know I WILL in God's time hopefully.

[mudbloodgirl14]

mudbloodgirl,

Yes it may take some time to get over this relationship. You truly cared for him and that is not easy to get over. Every person on this forum has had a break up at some point in their lives and understands what you are going through. It may take a year, but during that year, each day it will hurt a little less. Each day you will make a little more sense about how it happened. And each day you will get closer to realizing that you were lucky to not end up with someone like him. I truly believe in the end you will feel thankful.

 

Good job on staying busy and getting back to doing the things you love! This will help a lot.

 

I know right. In all honesty, I still feel so hurt now at day 18 of NC but its a little bit better than the first days. Right away when my friends have heard the news, they are always there for me whenever I need them, I'm so thankful to have them and of course my family I spent most of my time with my family and friends in 25 years of my existence so they really knew me and really appreciate me and I feel so loved unlike my ex bf whom I thought really loved me but seems never appreciate me. Anyway yea, I will still keep myself busy to divert my attention. Thank you!

[mudbloodgirl14]

Yeah, it's good that you're processing this toxic relationship. Remember all of his manipulation (love bombing you, threatening suicide on breaking up, etc.) ...read up on other things he did---this is a well known pattern that abusers follow. Know you did nothing wrong. Now you have wisdom and have been warned about people who choose to act like this. Once you process this experience you are less likely to find yourself in a similar situation in the future.

 

You have a better chance of finding the one now.

 

At first, I thought I can tolerate his manipulation. I did lower my pride. Unfortunately, I lost my self confidence and self esteem. From a very optimistic young lady into a loser pessimistic one. That's why I'm trying to fix myself first now before finding the right one, so that I could have better decisions in the future. I still miss him though, because we really did have nice memories that I can't forget. It's so hard..

[mudbloodgirl14]

What you are going through would be difficult for anyone. The fact that he is your first love--and lover--makes it even harder to let go, heal & move on, but you can do it. The thing is, the only way to get past the pain is to go through it. It will take time and determination, but your attitude and awareness will help you tremendously.

 

The best advice I can give you is to try to separate your feelings of loss and the love you feel about the relationship away from him. He is not the person you thought he was when you gave you heart to him. That doesn't mean that your feelings aren't real, but they have nothing to do with who he is and everything about who you are.

 

You are a loving & trusting person. Just because he turned out to be less of a man than he pretended to be does not change who you are. You still have the ability to love and be loved. He can't take that from you unless you let him. You will find someone deserving of what you are willing to give. In due time, you will find him.

 

In the meantime, take some solace in knowing that the sun will shine again--you will experience those exhilarating feelings again & you will be happy again. A few years ago, I had to walk away from someone i loved deeply. The pain he had caused me was just as deep, but it was still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. After the pain began to subside and I was healing from the loss, I realized that what I was really missing was no longer him but giving love and being loved. During that time, I felt so alone. In limbo.

 

One day, I realized that no matter what the future brought, I had experienced deep and true love and I felt grateful for that. You see, it wasn't about the fact that my loving was undeserved, it was that I had loved--and that love was still within me. At that moment, I began loving myself. I forgave myself for not knowing that he had deceived me. I was guilty only of trusting someone who didn't deserve it.

 

Yes, I am more cautious now, but I haven't lost my ability to trust--and to take chances on love. I'm just not as vulnerable as I once was and I know that in the end, while someone else can take away their love for me, they can't take away my ability to love.

 

Stay strong.

 

Wow thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it! My friends also told me that it would be very hard for me because he was my first love and first BIG TIME HEART BREAK. But like what you've said, I'll get through this in time. I wish it won't take me more than a year though.

 

I think I already forgave him. What's hard for me is to accept that our relationship was really over now. I don't know why but I know I should be angry at him but what I have in my mind now is how I miss him and our good memories together. Fortunately, I'm strong enough not to contact him until now because I know this is what best for me.

[mudbloodgirl14]

Wow. WHERE is your anger at being conned by this piece of sh*t?

 

Years ago, I had a dirt bag pull the same crap on me. Claimed he was separated and divorcing and tricked me into a relationship with him. Of course, he couldn't keep his lies up indefinitely and eventually had to make his exit with some ridiculous excuse that I didn't really believe. But I didn't find out he was actively married until a few months AFTER our breakup.

 

When I found out that I'd been conned, I saw red. I immediately found his wife and contacted her and told her EVERYTHING. I sent her emails, pictures, sound files, virtually ANYTHING I could get my hands on and everything that she requested. And the lying piece of sh*t STILL tried to lie his way out of it.

 

You'd be amazed at how quickly the love you feel for this loser will dissipate when your ANGER kicks in. It sure did for me. I can't even wrap my brain around you feeling heartbroken when this low life LIED to you from day #1 and conned you into a relationship. The level of sheer DISRESPECT in that act alone is enough to tell you exactly what a piece of sh*t he really is.

 

I always believed if I ever crossed paths with the liar who conned me years ago, I'd make him bleed - and the scary part is, I would have.

 

I really wish I can turn this feeling into ANGER right now. I really wish I have that strength of yours to tell his fiance what her coward future husband has done to both of us. But because I really do love him, I chose not to do that. It's their problem now anyway. I'm already decided to go away, so if ever his fiance would find out in future, well.. that is HIS KARMA then..

[ShatteredLady]

I hate to think of his poor finance marrying him & (ugh!) having his children not knowing the truth of the man she's with.

 

You made a lucky escape & with time you will see that & more importantly FEEL that!! There are some great men in the world. Please don't let this horrible experience haunt you & effect future relationships. He doesn't deserve that kind of power over you!

[healingsoul]

I think you are doing great. I am sorry your heart still hurts. Sometimes time does heal but sometimes it does help to talk to someone so you don't repeat the pattern. Even if you go to a counselor for a few sessions many times they can help you think about things you have not considered.

 

What kind of dancing do you do? We have a dance place in my town that you can take all kinds of dancing lessons to learn any dance style. Are do you do a ballet type of dancing?

 

What exactly is "Rotary activities"? What kinds of things does this group do? I have heard of the Rotary club but I am not sure if it is the same.

 

Really I think loveshack has an amazing group of caring people who give such good advice. Ask for encouragement again if you still struggle.

Thank you for the message. Yeah you're right I think it would be very hard for me to trust the next person. In fact, I don't see myself having a relationship again for a long time. I don't know, since this experience gave me a very big impact, it was like a trauma for me. And yeah, I really learned my lesson and I will make sure that I wouldn't get in this kind of situation ever again. Next time, I will be wiser.

 

By the way, I'm keeping myself busy again with the things I love like Rotary activities, dancing, hanging out with friends. But still I cry at the end of every day. I believe that time heals though so I'm not rushing myself. I'll just endure and embracing this pain until it wouldn't bother me anymore (don't know how long will it take though).

[mudbloodgirl14]

I hate to think of his poor finance marrying him & (ugh!) having his children not knowing the truth of the man she's with.

 

You made a lucky escape & with time you will see that & more importantly FEEL that!! There are some great men in the world. Please don't let this horrible experience haunt you & effect future relationships. He doesn't deserve that kind of power over you!

 

I feel bad for her too but I think his fiance knew it already, she just making herself blind of what happened for the sake of her love for him and their daughter.

 

Yeah, I will make sure it won't affect my future relationship that's why I want to build and fix myself first to make sure I'm really ready to enter in a new relationship. Thank you!