"if only our circumstances were different..."

[kikirichi]

I didn't know whether to post this on the breakups or here, but I would really like to hear the opinions of people who are/were in ldr...

 

I met my ex boyfriend on a short seminar abroad during my last year of studies. The seminar was held on his university. We had an instant connection and spent all our time together, mostly in his dorm room We're both from European countries but we don't speak each other's languages so we communicated in english. We decided to try ldr because we clicked instantly.

Even though I was 23, it was the first time I fell in love and he was the first "real" boyfriend I had. I really thought we could make it work... We visited each other as much as we could during the next months, usually for longer periods of time because our countries aren't that close to each other.

We were both crazy about each other and we enjoyed every second together. When we were apart we were both glued to our phones, constantly communicating. It lasted for about 8 months.

 

However, like I said, he was my first love and that was also one of the reasons why ldr was maybe easier for me. Everything was new to me and the distance wasn't as problematic to me as it was to him. He was previously in a 3 year long "normal" relationship so he had more problems accepting the distance in our relationship.

When we started seriously talking about our future I said that I was willing to move to his country in a year and a half (I couldn't go earlier because of an internship that is obligatory for my field of study). He said that it's really difficult for him to base our relationship on plans that are built on shaky grounds. He thinks that it would be difficult for me to find a job in my field of study because of the language barrier (I started slowly learning his language but it's true that it would take time to achieve the necessary level of knowledge). Also, if we tried this, we could see each other only 2 or 3 times during the year and a half because of our studies. He was really torn apart for a while and didn't know what to do. He said that the distance is driving us apart and affecting his feelings for me. Also, he is a very rational person and our relationship was one of rare instances where (for a while) he chose heart over reason. However, eventually the reason won anyway.

 

So, you probably guess we broke up. It broke my heart completely. Even though we didn't fight at the end, we stopped communicating after the breakup. I knew that I had to go NC because there is no point in communicating anyway. I had to accept that we will very probably NEVER see each other again. I still can't accept it, though. We haven't communicated in 3 months, but I still have his number and we're friends on fb. I can't make myself delete those because that would really mean the total and absolute end. There would be no way of us contacting again. And I just can't deal with that. He meant so much to me, and will always be so special to me, I just can't and don't want to cut all ties to him. I know it's not good to cling on our past, but I still hope that despite our really difficult circumstances, maybe we will find some way back to each other one day and I know this will just postpone my healing, I know it will prolong my moving on, but I'm afraid that I will never get over him anyway. I keep telling myself "If only..." from the title of my topic.

 

I don't really know what my question for you is. I guess I would just like some emotional support and external observation of the situation. And anyone's similar experiences and what they have learned from it...

 

p.s. sorry for any mistakes, english isn't my first language.

[emi]

Hi,

Im sorry for your loss. But there is nothing you can do. If he doesnt want to try, you cant force it on him. He isnt strong enough for a LDR and its ok.

The guy means for you is out there. Dont give up.

[kikirichi]

Hi,

Im sorry for your loss. But there is nothing you can do. If he doesnt want to try, you cant force it on him. He isnt strong enough for a LDR and its ok.

The guy means for you is out there. Dont give up.

 

thank you I know what you're saying is true but I guess I still have a hard time accepting it..

[justwhoiam]

I suspect that behind his reasoning there were lots of people near him telling him it couldn't work... And no guy in his young years likes wasting his time.

It would help to know what your respective countries are.

 

Anyway, not that Emi is wrong, but when someone's lovesick, words from strangers won't be able to comfort much. I guess physical comfort would help you better. By physical comfort I mean someone hugging you, being physically near you, spending time with you in person.

 

Regarding his number, there'll be people telling you that you must delete it for a quicker recovery, but - as I'm sort of a control freak - if I were you I would only delete it if I were not sure I can be strong enough to not call that number. I would keep it for a practical reasons, which is: if he decided to call me, I would want to see the caller ID and decide if I want to take the call when that happens.

 

As far as FB is concerned, I suggest a long break from that social media platform (make sure you won't receive any notification by e-mail). And by long break I mean like at least 6 months. Would you be able to do that? You'll feel refreshed, you'd be back as a new person, people will wonder what happened to you, etc. At the same time, you'll be prompted to fill up that time not spend at the computer, meeting new people, doing other stuff, etc. It can only be good for you, for your well-being, and your ego.

FB would suck you into its spirals, because even if you delete him, you might see stuff from him indirectly through his friends. So best thing is: go on a long break. Let them wonder what happened to you. If they try to reach you by e-mail or phone, just send a quick text/message, saying you're OK. That's all they need to know now. No more than that.

 

And don't forget physical comfort will help a lot right now.

[kikirichi]

I suspect that behind his reasoning there were lots of people near him telling him it couldn't work... And no guy in his young years likes wasting his time.

It would help to know what your respective countries are.

 

I thought about this too (even though I met his family and friends and they really accepted me without reservations), and I think it's possible they told him it would be too complicated and difficult... I'll just say that I'm from a Slavic country and he's from a western European country.

 

I am usually a very physical person (not in a sexual way ), I like to hold and touch those closest to me and I'm lucky to have a few close friends who are really there for me when I need them. So whenever I need that kind of comfort my friends are there, being literally the shoulder to cry on

But none of them really had this kind of experience so they can't completely relate to it. That's why I posted here, to find people who maybe went through something similar.

 

 

I did think about temporarily deactivating my fb account... But the fact is that I also have quite a few friends who I only communicate with through messages on facebook. I don't really use facebook much in other sense, I don't post status updates, links, songs or stuff like that (he doesn't do it either so I can't really stalk him that way anyway, haha)... So even though I thought about deactivating it, I don't think I will do it anytime soon. Maybe I will if he starts posting anything because I couldn't deal with him happily living his life without me (lame, I know).

 

Anyway, thank you for your post and I would like to hear if you have something to answer to this

 

I forgot to say that I don't have problems keeping up with NC, I'm not tempted to call/text, but the problem is that I hope that maybe HE will break NC :/ so that's just one more thing that's delaying my healing. the fact that every day I hope I will see his name on my screen...

Edited March 7, 2016 by kikirichi
forgot to add...

[justwhoiam]

At times they come back, at times they don't, and it's quite hard to predict.

 

But anyway, you're from a Slavic country and he's from a Western country. At this point, I am wondering: is he sort of well off? Because we both know what people might think. Many women from Eastern countries migrate to Western countries for a better life, and they often try to marry a Western man. And love is not always there in such cases...

 

Maybe that has nothing to do with what happened to you, or maybe it affected the situation.

 

You could keep in touch with those people on FB in other ways. If they really care about you, they will contact you on the phone or by e-mail. Or are they just virtual friends?

[kikirichi]

At times they come back, at times they don't, and it's quite hard to predict.

 

But anyway, you're from a Slavic country and he's from a Western country. At this point, I am wondering: is he sort of well off? Because we both know what people might think. Many women from Eastern countries migrate to Western countries for a better life, and they often try to marry a Western man. And love is not always there in such cases...

 

Maybe that has nothing to do with what happened to you, or maybe it affected the situation.

 

You could keep in touch with those people on FB in other ways. If they really care about you, they will contact you on the phone or by e-mail. Or are they just virtual friends?

 

I knew you (and other people) would wonder about that and that's why I didn't mention it in the first post. Because that's not the case. I'm actually more "well off" than him, as strange as it may seem I live alone in my own apartment (my parents bought it for me when I was 18), and I'm finishing my education on a respected university (in the field of biomedicine). I was also the one who had more money to travel and visit him. So I don't think that's what his friends and family told him, I think the bigger problem is the language barrier, I would need at least a couple of years to learn it enough to get a job that I'm actually qualified for. So during those couple of years we would still have to live like this or I would have to settle with a job under my qualifications in his country... I would not go there if I didn't have at least some kind of work opportunity as I don't want to be unemployed.

 

 

Yes, I know that I could always keep in touch with my friends even without facebook, but it's just easier to do it there. They are not virtual friends, they are people from my hometown who have stayed there (I moved), and people who I met during my travels. I have spent a considerable amount of time travelling to various countries and meeting many people, some of whom I now consider my friends However, I said that the option of deactivating facebook is still not off the table, just not for now.

[Meli22]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I was in a similar position where my boyfriend ended things with me a week ago because of distance. It's frustrating because he persuaded me to be with him and promised he'd make the distance work for us. He's in the military in a different country but will be returning to our home country in a few months. We saw eachother a lot considering but after a week apart he says he doesn't want to do it anymore. It's heartbreaking but what can you do? I was willing to wait for him and he appreciated that I come from a military family background because no other woman had understood his situation nor wanted to try a relationship with him. It's a shame because I was prepared to really try.

 

I'd say delete his number to resist contacting him, and if you feel seeing his updates on Facebook is hindering you from moving forward then maybe delete him off that too. It's very cliche but time really is a healer and you'll look back at this someday with no pain, and you'll be with someone who truly rocks your world.