It seems like my ex likes to target vulnerable women

[FitzChiv]

Ok, backstory time.

 

Aged 15 I first got together with my ex, at 17 I fell pregnant, and decided I couldn't go through with an abortion, and at 18 I had our daughter. We stuck it out for a year and a half together after that, we where both really struggling with adjusting to the new baby, particularly her dad who was clearly was not ready for parenthood at that moment in time, there was alot of fighting, and I felt like I had fallen out of love with him. I was also suffering from mental health problems at the time, and I believe he was too. (I am loads better now, and I think he is too)

 

I was the one to break it off in the end, I had a serious case of 'grass is greener' with some other guy I had met off the internet. I should really really have figured out he was bad news, but my self esteem was at rock bottom at this point, and I didn't feel like I could do any better. In the end he wanted to have a baby, and, perhaps stupidly I agreed. I don't regret my second Daughter, but quite honestly it wasn't the smartest decision of my life. At this point oldest Daughters dad had as good as dropped off the face of the earth, I couldn't get him to call her, let alone see her or provide for her.

 

When my youngest Daughter was 3, her Dad turned around and said he didn't want to 'do' the family thing anymore, and that he needed to be single, he then as good as chucked us all out the house. Oldest Daughters dad came on the scene again, this was more than a year and a half ago and he has been fantastic ever since with seeing his Daughter, and doing right by her. We are friendly again, but I found once I let go of the anger I had been holding against him for so long, the feelings started coming back, big time. At the time I started feeling things for him again, he was with someone, so I didn't take it anywhere. But he is recently single again now, obviously I am no vulture, but it has stirred up the feelings again.

 

It has been 6 1/2 years since we split, but I really feel we had something special, I don't know if I will ever be forgiven for breaking up with him, I don't know if the fact I have another child is just too big an obstacle, I don't know if he even likes me that way anymore. But he has been really friendly over the past couple of months in particular, he will hang around when he drops off/picks up my daughter, if my younger Daughter isn't with her Dad he will include her in any games and chat to her as well. If he was to say to me he wanted to get back together, I would seriously think about it. I want to tell him how I feel, but I know now isn't the time, he only broke up with his girlfriend recently.

 

Am I crazy to think he might be into me too? Could it ever work? I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life all those years ago for not sticking it out, but I also feel that maybe the time we had apart, where we grew as people, might just have been what we needed perhaps. I wish it where less complicated than all this.

[Jersey born raised]

Perhaps, There is a lot of bagged to be unpacked here.

 

Did you ever marry either man?

 

What is the full story of grass is "greener" ? I sense you went looking for someone else using the Internet and started at least an emotional affair. What actually happened and what does he think happened ?

 

Child support, are both men providing support for their daughters ? The support provided is it within the state guidelines or is it hit and miss ? What are the actual

 

Is the oldest daughter father employed with a stable income ? Was he employed with a stable income when you ended the relationship ? A side note a stay at home dad is more likely to cheat then a stay at home mom. I think it goes to a sense of self worth a stable job gives man.

 

For the time being do not date. Focus on yourself and children. Offer when you can any hospitality without allowing sex or physical contact. If he tries very gently disengage, but assure him you are not and do not want a relationship other then friendship. So keep inviting him to stay for dinner before and after dropping of daughter. If you are taking them somewhere invite him but do not let him pay for you or your other daughter.

 

Finally read up on red flags. Leave you phone unattended and unlocked by him.

 

Above all do not let him demean you. Accept responsibility but not an attempt to demean you.

 

Do you understand why I am suggesting these steps?

 

Good luck

[FitzChiv]

Thank you for replying!

 

I didn't marry either man, both where serious relationships though.

 

I didn't actually go looking, he was someone I had met on the internet quite a while ago, and we had gotten out of touch, he added me on facebook and it was him who chased me. I would say though that it probably fell into the category of emotional affair though, if I am being honest, my ex doesn't know for sure, but I imagine he suspects. And I know I would have to come clean about it if we ever did think about getting back together.

 

Payments are particularly hit and miss from my youngest Daughters father, he still technically owes me money from after the breakup, but oldest daughters Dad has been very good about paying it since he came back into her life for good. It's not technically quite what I would get if I was to go through child maintenance service (that's what we have in the UK) but personally I think they take too much sometimes, and he does often offer to help pay for the bigger one off expenses, and he pays quite alot for travel to come and see her, so I am perfectly happy with it!

 

Oldest Daughters Dad was employed with steady income both when we split, and now. I truly don't think he cheated on me, we where both just very unhappy people back then, and the fighting got too much. I think if we had waited to have a baby until we where older then we most likely would have stayed together. Not that my older Daughter was planned, the condom split, and the morning after pill failed to work! I don't know that it would have been any better for our relationship if I had had an abortion, because I probably would have resented him for it.

 

I agree that I wouldn't date right now, him, or anyone else. He is too fresh out of a relationship for one thing, and I wouldn't date anyone else while I am still hugely hung up on my ex.

 

What you say about accepting responsibility, but not letting him demean me makes lots of sense too. Having a look at the red flags so many apply to my younger daughters dad, but not my older daughters dad. To be honest I can't believe I ever left such a great guy for such a looser

[FitzChiv]

I just can't get him out of my head at the moment, I am considering sending him a letter/email something of that sort, I feel like it might be a bit too soon after his break-up (which was about 4 weeks ago), but I am absolutely bursting to get this off my chest and out into the open at least, it's driving me crazy. I have tried to stick to the facts in my letter, to me it feels like less pressure on him perhaps? What do you guys think? (names changed for privacy)

 

James,

 

About a year ago now, I found it in me to let go of the anger I had been holding onto, and what I found surprised me. I found I still very much care about you. Obviously at the point of this revelation you where unavailable, so I didn't think it was a good idea to say anything.

 

I've made some pretty bad life choices over the years, but I think possibly the biggest one I made was giving up on us too soon. We where both in bad places, and at the time I couldn't see past that. Then again perhaps we both needed to be apart in order to grow as people. I know I have, and I get the feeling you have too.

 

I know this is very out of the blue, I know you are probably still hurting right now, but I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. You don't have to do anything with this information, and I know there is a good possibility you don't feel the same way I do, or that there are too many obstacles for us ever to have a chance again. Or it might just be too soon since your break up to even think about something like this. I am not interested in anyone else, there really is no hurry to decide anything.

 

I truly am sorry for what I put you through when we parted, and I hope I haven't overstepped a boundary that I shouldn't have by writing this. I hope that if you don't feel the same way we can still be friends, your a good man and a great father to our Daughter too. We made some fantastic memories together which I will always treasure.

 

Jane

[FitzChiv]

I'm not 100% sure where to put this, but as I am hoping for a second chance, I guess I will ask here!

 

My ex got out of a long term relationship which was about 6 years long. They announced it officially on facebook about 2 1/2 weeks ago that they has split up, but about two weeks before that they both set there relationship statuses as 'no information to show' And I get the feeling this isn't out of the blue, as they didn't spend Christmas together either (I know this because he is my oldest daughters father, and she spent Christmas with him this year)

 

Now, I have already decided I am going to tell him how I feel, if he doesn't feel the same way I at least will get a measure of closure, because right now I can't move on at all. But the real question is when do I tell him? I don't want to tell him too soon while things are still tough for him, but I don't want to leave it so late that he moves on either?

[cornbread103]

Was this SIX years ago? Have you been holding out for 6 years????

 

If that is true then i'd def give it more than a few weeks

[Simon Phoenix]

So you've been broken up for six years and have waited it out that whole time? Seems like you squandered a half-decade that could have been used growing and meeting other people. I realize he's the father of your child, so you can't go complete No Contact, but damn.

[Satu]

I can't get to grips with the timeline here...

[FitzChiv]

It was me that broke up with him, but we both found other people quite quickly, I thought I had moved on, but once I stopped feeling angry about how it happened and what had happened (which took a very long time on my part) I realised that I do still have feelings for him, and that I most likely made a mistake. But I also wonder if we both needed to be apart, potentially, to come together again

 

At the time I realised how I felt, he was well and truly with this other girl, so I just put it to one side, I wasn't going to be a home wrecker. But now he has split, and I have been single for quite a while now too. It feels like he might feel the same way, but he might just be being nice/friendly.

 

I feel like you are right, that it will need more than a few weeks, but I'm not sure when would be right. And I don't want to miss my chance....

[cornbread103]

If he's come out of a break up he's likely going to be up for seeing someone pretty quickly. But you have a pretty high chance of him being unavailable emotionally and dumping you after a few weeks.

I would re connect after a month. Take it very slow. Dont be too available and make sure you are the most attractive person you can be.

[FitzChiv]

I can't get to grips with the timeline here...

 

I'll give you some context, a rough timeline

 

2005 - We got together

2007 - I feel pregnant accidentally

2008 - I had my daughter (we where both 18 at that time)

mid 2009 - I broke up with him

late 2009 - by that point we both had someone else in our lives

2014 - I got dumped

2016 - He got dumped

[FitzChiv]

Take it very slow.

Done, I don't want to take it fast anyway, as much as I like him, if we got together I would still be cautious, we did break up once before after all...

 

 

Dont be too available

Easily done, I am a Mum afterall!

 

make sure you are the most attractive person you can be.

Working on it!

[FitzChiv]

As a 15/16 year old, and very vulnerable teen with mental health issues. This guy (who was around 22 at the time) started talking to me on msn after we had talked on an online forum, before too long he began to talk about his smoking fetish with me, and he told me he wanted pictures of me smoking. When I had told him I had quit because my boyfriend at that time had begged me he told me I should leave him, and that I should run away to his house and he would buy me cigarettes if I would let him watch me smoke them. I blocked him.

 

A good few years later, he reconnected with me on Facebook, at another vulnerable time in my life, I was a young Mum (19) and my relationship with my partner was on the rocks. I didn't actually remember who he was for a while, and when I did I convinced myself he had changed. He was the one who offered to be a shoulder to cry on, and eventually he convinced me to leave my boyfriend. I ended up in a relationship with him. Later he convinced me we should try and have a baby together, which we did. Gradually my confidence started to grow, which seemed to bring on a multitude of problems in our relationship. He tried to make out that I was an irrational person constantly, but I refused to believe him as I knew I wasn't, in the end he broke up with me. To this day I am convinced it was because I actually grew a backbone and he didn't like it!

 

Before we where together, he claimed he had only ever had one girlfriend, apparently she was mentally ill and it 'just didn't work out'

 

Since we split almost 2 years ago he has had another 2 relationships, one lasted about 6 months, but I have no idea what the lady was like, but he was determined to keep it as secret as possible. The other has just begun, he is in a relationship with another single Mum (bearing in mind he stated one of the reasons for us breaking up was he 'didn't want to do the family thing any more'), he is doing the whole nice guy act he did with me at first. And quite frankly I am worried for the woman and her children. I also worry for my 5 year old Daughter being around this man.

 

Do some guys deliberately target vulnerable women, or perhaps do it without realising? Could it be a coincidence? Should I worry about someone of that nature being around my Daughter? Finding out his new girlfriend is another single Mum has brought me to confront the truth about what he did when I was a teen, but is it an issue now?

 

Any advice very gratefully recieved.

[Emilia]

I don't want to speculate over his intentions but yes vulnerable people and abusers find each other. This is because some of the vulnerable mistakenly see abusers as strong and an abuser will often put up with a vulnerable person's neediness. A more confident person will also often see abuse for what it is and walk.

[preraph]

Look, you seem to be tolerating this man for no good reason. Just because he makes contact doesn't mean you have to accept him into your life. All your instincts are telling you he's a creep. And he IS a creep. And you need to get him out of your life entirely because you have a daughter and she shouldn't get the idea that a proper role model in a man is a CREEP! Block him out of your life and her life completely. You know it's the right thing to do. I'll never understand why women will let a man they know isn't right hang around and feel anxious about it the whole time but not stop it. Stop it!

[stillafool]

Perhaps, There is a lot of bagged to be unpacked here.

 

Did you ever marry either man?

 

What is the full story of grass is "greener" ? I sense you went looking for someone else using the Internet and started at least an emotional affair. What actually happened and what does he think happened ?

 

Child support, are both men providing support for their daughters ? The support provided is it within the state guidelines or is it hit and miss ? What are the actual

 

Is the oldest daughter father employed with a stable income ? Was he employed with a stable income when you ended the relationship ? A side note a stay at home dad is more likely to cheat then a stay at home mom. I think it goes to a sense of self worth a stable job gives man.

 

For the time being do not date. Focus on yourself and children. Offer when you can any hospitality without allowing sex or physical contact. If he tries very gently disengage, but assure him you are not and do not want a relationship other then friendship. So keep inviting him to stay for dinner before and after dropping of daughter. If you are taking them somewhere invite him but do not let him pay for you or your other daughter.

 

Finally read up on red flags. Leave you phone unattended and unlocked by him.

 

Above all do not let him demean you. Accept responsibility but not an attempt to demean you.

 

Do you understand why I am suggesting these steps?

 

Good luck

 

I agree with this poster. OP, you haven't said whether or not you work or have a career you are working on, do you? I really think you should forget about this guy (your first baby's daddy) as well as the other one and put your energy and thoughts toward your career so you can support your daughters. It seems to me that the father(s) support are iffy and nothing you can depend on. Leave men alone for a while and concentrate on being able to support your daughters on your own.