rjh21 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 I'll try to keep this short if I can. I met a woman I'm absolutely crazy about, we get along unbelievably well and I can genuinely say that I love her. The only other girl I've loved before her was my first serious girlfriend. Anyway, my girlfriend had been writing a book/journal detailing her struggle with depression a while ago. She asked me to read it and I remember seeing that she had slept around when she was depressed. No biggie, I thought, I have a bit of a past too so fair is fair. She is the best thing that has happened to me in a long, long time. I am completely in love with her so I wouldn't want to let something like that ruin us. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, we have temporarily been forced into a long-distance relationship. *GASP*. I know. She is planning to move country to come and live with me. Which tells me she is committed to us. The other day I was browsing my computer and saw a document that was titled random letters such as "jhbsahsbdbh". I opened it wondering what it could be. It turned out to be a list of the guys that my girlfriend has slept with. I'm assuming she compiled it when writing her book. Lets just say that list is way, way longer than I would like it to be. Over 30. That stung. I also noticed SEVERAL of her male friends were on there. This is where I started to become angry. I haven't confronted my girlfriend on this because I've tried to just let it go. We're great together and she makes me very happy. And I figure no good can come from this conversation. So I wanted to try to forget about it. However, earlier on today during our video chat, she informed me that she is going to be hanging out with this guy, just the two of them. And lo and behold he is one of her ex-sexual partners. I tried to act ok about it, after all for all she knows I am not aware that they have slept together. I can't help but feel kind of disrespected. I'm half the world away and she's going to be hanging out one-on-one with a guy she has slept with. I don't want to tell her what she can and can't do, that's not my style. But I can't help but think I would never hang out 1-on-1 with an ex-sexual partner and I don't think she'd be impressed at all if I did. Honestly if me and her were in the early stages of dating, I probably would have kicked her to the curb after discovering all of this. But I have found all of this out after I have fallen in love with her and we have planned a future together. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like I should just leave her past in the past but she isn't making the situation easier with her choices. What would you do in this situation? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and sorry for the long ass post!
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 You can't forbid her from doing things. However you can express concern about her hanging out 1 on 1 with a former lover. Life is about choices. Personally I chose to dissociate myself from people who repeatedly make bad choices. 2
ff12343 Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 Personally I chose to dissociate myself from people who repeatedly make bad choices. 2 thumbs up. Great advice. 1
thecrucible Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 It sounds like she has been through a lot but I don't blame you for being worried as you are now long distance and it magnifies every worry in a relationship. I would also be uncomfortable with a partner hanging out with someone they have previously slept with. I still see some of my old flames socially but I would never be one-on-one with them, it is just that i bump into them in a bar or encounter them in a group of people. Maybe you could bring up the topic of boundaries with the opposite sex while in a relationship? You could explain that you yourself keep good boundaries with exes. You wouldn't want to stop her from doing what she wants (I'm sure you don't) but there has to be some give and take somewhere and if she cares about your feelings, you should hopefully be able to work something out. Long-distance relationships can be a rough ride in my experience so I wish you all the best.
road Posted March 4, 2016 Posted March 4, 2016 OP, tell her what you know and what is bothering you. There is no point to continue dating her or marry her if she will not go NC with her ex's. Best to get this resolved now. No point to delay. No good will come from delaying.
phineas Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 No way would I be in a serious relationship with someone who hangs out one-on-one with people they slept with when with me. I have a few female friends i've slept with. We do not hang out alone when either of us are with someone. It's called respect. Of course if we are single anything goes. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 This is not the sort of person you want to build a future with, there is no future. It is also possible that the list is incomplete. Is this the sort of woman you want to be the mother of your children? If you do not ditch her, you will regret it in time and resentment will probably build up.
OnlyHonesty Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 OP, tell her what you know and what is bothering you. There is no point to continue dating her or marry her if she will not go NC with her ex's. Best to get this resolved now. No point to delay. No good will come from delaying. He shouldn't have to tell her anything. As soon as you need to instruct them on how to be respectful then it's game over in my book. The OP knows what he needs to do, he even said he would have done so already if not for his feelings.
Poutrew Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 Yeah, OP. This sucks big time. To me it sounds like she is already sleeping with him. Her guilt is making her admit to 'meeting up' with him, as if it will absolve her of the wrong. You need to get this out in the open pronto - figure you have nothing to loose. Just tell her you found her list on the computer, and you know she has had sex with this dude before and you are *not* ok with her being with him. If she chooses him over you, then she didn't feel the same way you do, and you should be happy you dodged a bullet. Find someone you can trust...
Dreamworld Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 The number of partners she has had in the past...yes I totally understand that it stings but it is her past and holding it against her won't change it so unless it bothers you to the point that you cant focus on the present, then time to let her go. But for me the red flag is her meeting one on one with an ex that you have found out she has slept with. If I am reading your post correctly, if you hadnt found out, she would have passed it off as just meeting one of her male friends right?( this in and of itself creates hazy boundaries within a relationship, especially a long distance one!) She should have been transparent with you, and made sure you were ok with everything, trust, and all that. I think you should discuss this with her and if your mindsets don't agree, then you are actually lucky you found out this kinda stuff before you got married. Others aren't so lucky.
Author rjh21 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Posted March 5, 2016 (edited) *UPDATE* I spoke to my girlfriend about how I was feeling a little jealous about the fact that she was going out with some guy I don't know and haven't heard of before. She then openly and honestly told me everything about the past between the two of them, they dated for a little while in high school but she said it did not work at all. So they decided to just remain friends. She said he will never be anything but a friend to her. They haven't seen each other for a couple of years so were just getting together to catch up. She then asked me if it was ok with me that she met up with him. He's got a long-term girlfriend, she said she's madly in love with me and I feel much better about the whole situation. I appreciate the fact that she was open and honest with me and showed me enough respect to disclose that information and also that she checked that I was ok with them meeting. Yes she's got a past but so do I. And my past has no bearing on how I feel towards her. I also don't believe in holding things people have done years ago against them. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. Nothing changes the fact that she is the kindest, most giving person I have ever met. And she makes me extremely happy. Thanks for the advice everybody but I think we'll be just fine Edited March 5, 2016 by rjh21 Missed out information 1
BeenThereDunDat Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 It sounds like you've chosen to ignore all the red flags because of how you feel. I hate to say this, but she is probably sleeping with him, as much you trust her. And she will probably continue with that behavior after you marry her and maybe even cuck you. This is also probably a s h i t test, to see how much leeway you'll give her. If you give her your blessing to hang out with a former lover now she won't ask you again in the future. All I can say is: It's your funeral.
preraph Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I've been in kind of your girlfriend's position. I was editing my journal with the idea of publishing it some years back. During that time I recontacted a lot of the people in it to let them know, see if I needed to change their names, etc. One reason I haven't done it is there's one I am still friends with who really put me through some major pain (and into a big depression) more than once. But decades later, we've managed to drag each other ashore and keep from the water under the bridge drowning us both. So I don't want to publish something that would probably hurt him, knowing how much he hurt me, and expose him. But to cut him out would be removing a central character. We all have characters who are central to our lives. Sometimes we need to connect with them to heal, or to remember good times. It doesn't have to mean we're sleeping with them. I haven't slept with him, for example, since he banged my friend in 1979. But we have an emotional relationship. Bottom line is this. Yes, you have reason to be concerned. But here's the thing. The only way to know if someone loves you and is sticking with you is to leave the door open and see if they keep coming back. No amount of yelling or interrogation or confrontation or surveillance and monitoring or making strict rules to try to stop her from cheating will keep a person from cheating if that is what they are wanting to do, and will only run them off, regardless of whether they're guilty or not. You cannot have peace of mind unless you be your best you with her and see if that is enough to keep her coming voluntarily back to you. I am assuming you have already had the talk and agree you are in a committed relationship with each other. If not, have it and don't make it about what is going on here. If not, she was never under an obligation to be faithful anyway. Once you have the committed agreement, you can reasonably expect her to come home to roost every night and not stay out all night. But of course that doesn't mean she didn't have a quickie on her way to work. There's just no way to stop it if it's going to happen. But if she seems like she's happy with you and comes home at night and you usually know what her day is like and that sort of thing, that's about all you can expect. Don't create what you most fear by letting your jealousy push her out the door.
Gemma1 Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 OP - I think you should ignore the posters here in this situation. Many of them are bitter and jaded. Your girlfriend has been open and honest with you and I suggest that you trust her until you have an actual reason to be suspicious. I keep in touch with my high school ex too and it doesn't mean that I'm sleeping with him. I have absolutely zero interest and my husband knows that. Some people have different boundaries than others. It doesn't mean they are any more or less likely to cheat. 1
preraph Posted March 5, 2016 Posted March 5, 2016 I agree with Gemma. And if you don't know her well enough to know what her morals and boundaries are, it's time to learn more about each other and talk. That's what dating is for.
BeenThereDunDat Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 The only way to know if someone loves you and is sticking with you is to leave the door open and see if they keep coming back. Just because they "keep coming back" doesn't mean they aren't cheating on you. All cheaters "come back" until they are ready to replace you. I agree that you can't "control" a significant other. Perhaps a better philosophy would be: "Leave the door open. If they don't leave, then you are the one. If they keep leaving, then they are probably looking for a better deal, and only come back because they didn't find one." Paying heed to red flags is not being "bitter", "jaded" or "insecure". It's called logic and common sense. Also, another sign that someone loves you is that they won't do things that make you feel uncomfortable.
SugarLips72 Posted March 6, 2016 Posted March 6, 2016 If she is hanging out with someone she has slept with that shows lack of respect for your relationship. Especially since she knows it bothers you. That should be a deal breaker. There is no need to hang out with former lovers when you are in a relationship.
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