Being Called Insecure

[Tailor2000]

It's been suggested a few times I'm insecure and have low self esteem and this might impact some friendships.

 

This really does annoy me sometimes. I sort of get it, and I don't get it. I think I can counter the self-esteem thing by saying that I think I deserve more than what other people give me, but I quite often think that I might be wrong.

 

Insecurity is my major annoyance though. For years, I thought that it was true. That I was insecure. But when you send someone a text, an email, or whatever, you ask them a question, being helpful, and they don't reply, guess what, that feeds insecurity.

 

Why? Because the other person hasn't engaged in basic courtesy and responded to your offer. They've been quite rude. The whole situation is made worse with the likes of Facebook and WhatsApp. You know someone has read a message, yet they can't say Yes, or No. They leave you in limbo. That is a perfect explanation of being insecure.

 

Is insecurity an unreasonable manifestation from within, or is insecurity a response to the other persons lacklustre friendship?

 

Calling someone insecure, is a way to absolve themselves of their rude, discourteous, ignorant and ungrateful behaviour, to turn the tables and make out to everyone else that you're the one with the problem, not them.

 

Give me some thoughts?

[bluefeather]

if no one replied to this thread, would you feel insecure? lol... sorry. hmm let me think...

 

It's been suggested a few times I'm insecure and have low self esteem and this might impact some friendships.

 

If more than one person from different social circles tells you this, it might be worth looking into.

 

This really does annoy me sometimes. I sort of get it, and I don't get it. I think I can counter the self-esteem thing by saying that I think I deserve more than what other people give me, but I quite often think that I might be wrong.

 

I don't understand what that meant.

 

Insecurity is my major annoyance though. For years, I thought that it was true. That I was insecure. But when you send someone a text, an email, or whatever, you ask them a question, being helpful, and they don't reply, guess what, that feeds insecurity.

 

It doesn't have to feed insecurity. It can feed a negative opinion about them, but you don't need to feel insecure.

 

Why? Because the other person hasn't engaged in basic courtesy and responded to your offer. They've been quite rude. The whole situation is made worse with the likes of Facebook and WhatsApp. You know someone has read a message, yet they can't say Yes, or No. They leave you in limbo. That is a perfect explanation of being insecure.

 

A lack of courtesy and rudeness are not direct reasons to feel insecure. As I said before, you can change your opinion about someone, but don't have to let that consume your opinion about yourself (which relates to insecurity). And any kind of textual communication is an easy way to misunderstand each other. If you want to communicate, do it through voice or in person.

 

Is insecurity an unreasonable manifestation from within, or is insecurity a response to the other persons lacklustre friendship?

 

Calling someone insecure, is a way to absolve themselves of their rude, discourteous, ignorant and ungrateful behaviour, to turn the tables and make out to everyone else that you're the one with the problem, not them.

 

I think insecurity is a REASONABLE manifestation from within, and is usually triggered by actions of those you interact with.

 

Calling someone insecure can be a cop-out for those who are insensitive to others' feelings, but it is not a catch-all for it. Don't confuse people who call you that for the sake of it with those who are telling you the truth.

 

Those are my thoughts.

 

 

texting... what a joke.

[basil67]

I agree that calling someone insecure can be a cop out, but it can also be the truth. It all depends on context.

 

When it comes to friends who may not reply to messages, a secure person will either dump them for being a lame friend or accept that this person is busy and may not have time to reply and is fine with it. But an insecure person worries about it and might get all needy.

 

I don't know the history with your friends, but you either have to accept them for who they are or dump them. Your inner self security will tell you which is the right decision.

 

Lastly, if you're making a booking and need a response - contact them by phone and not by message. Secure women are brave enough to use a phone

[candie13]

hum... OP, being insecure means that your sense of self value is driven by outside validation. Like... you need someone to acknowledge you're a great guy - or girl - to me, that is what feeling insecure means. If ignored (intentionally or simply because people have a life), then getting all worked up and petty.

 

Good sense of self worth means not sweating if people don't immediately respond to your interaction - or don't respond as you'd like them to. OR not respond at all.

 

you can't be everything to everyone and you can't be appreciated, liked or loved by everyone. And even if people do like you, very few acknowledge it. It's life, everyone's busy working through their own sh*t.

 

I think the key is to stay grounded and positive. You are your own person and true friends won't bug you or pester you about your flaws. Everyone has flaws.

 

IT seems like you're doubting yourself a lot. OP, in all honesty, f*ck what everyone else thinks. You only have one live, live it well, for yourself, not to please, fit in or get praise from other people.

 

cheers

[Tayla]

Op, in a nutshell value yourself and then consider those with valid perspective some creditibility.

Healthy boundaries are yours to make.. What strides have you generated in being self valued? How are you conveying that? Actions, behaviors play a part.

 

I'd stay far away from a person with an Fu attitude... for they are usually the ones disregarding and tramping on everyone to get the golden ticket.

 

Find those that balance the good of the whole . Supporting, achieving, and willing to assist as you build up some esteem.

[Tailor2000]

Ahh. Thank you for your replies. Some interesting thoughts.

 

While there's more I can always do and I seek validation from outside, I don't rely on being told Im a great guy. Im actually quite secure in myself in that regard. I know I have many positives and talents and really comfortable with that. I don't need reassurance.

 

When I do put myself forward, I do like to seek validation that Im on the right track. It's like getting your boss to read over the letter to make sure it's acceptable to send out. But a little bit more than that. Im not happy with my writings, and I don't want someone to tell me how brilliant I am, just to tell me that what I've written is acceptable.

 

I take "insecure" to have the meaning from the Urban Dictionary:

 

"A very flawed character trait that results from low confidence and low self-esteem, often due to rejection or a humiliating experience as a child. They feel socially inadequate, causing them to worry about what people think about them. They want to be liked by people and will go out of their way to please others, because they don’t want people mad at them"

 

I have high confidence and high self esteem in some regards. In other areas of my life, Im low confidence. Im not bothered about being rejected. I care more about knowing where I stand with someone to make sure Im in Limbo. You know that sort of tension where you're sure somethings happened because someone is acting different to how they normally behave. That's the only time I require a bit of reassurance - and that's mainly with new friends. When someone does something I don't expect, actually, I'd be quite grateful to them to keep me informed and let me know what's happening. As said, I appreciate other people have different lives, but it's when someone says "I'll get back to you next week" and they don't. You try and keep it going and it's like pulling teeth. But when you see them, they're bright, and bubbly and lively. Is this the same person?

 

I don't want people to be mad at me though, I don't like conflict or confrontation.

 

When it comes to text communication, I gather I can either be happy that they don't reply or dump them.

 

Problem is, Im in the third state. This friend has actually proven themselves to be a really nice friend, trustworthy, dependable. But the way they've gone AWOL and blowing hot and cold is really concerning for me. It's concerning because I don't know why they're doing it.

 

I neither want to be angry at them (dump them) and I don't want to be angry at myself (insecure). I just don't know how to respond. I see this person on a weekly basis so need to have some degree of civility. Even if Im not insecure, I don't want to come across as insecure. Im just in limbo and don't know what I should be doing.

 

It's like someone is following a new rule book and not telling me what the rules are. All I want to do is find out what's going on without coming across as insecure. That's reasonable isn't it?

Edited March 5, 2016 by Tailor2000

[Taramere]

Why? Because the other person hasn't engaged in basic courtesy and responded to your offer. They've been quite rude. The whole situation is made worse with the likes of Facebook and WhatsApp. You know someone has read a message, yet they can't say Yes, or No. They leave you in limbo. That is a perfect explanation of being insecure.

 

Is insecurity an unreasonable manifestation from within, or is insecurity a response to the other persons lacklustre friendship?

 

Calling someone insecure, is a way to absolve themselves of their rude, discourteous, ignorant and ungrateful behaviour, to turn the tables and make out to everyone else that you're the one with the problem, not them.

 

Give me some thoughts?

 

When somebody ignores you, it gives you a little message of "this person is disrespecting me". They might explain it as "I was busy" or "I hate texting - I was going to email you later" or "I forgot"...but essentially all of it adds up to "you were not a priority for me at that particular time."

 

In some cases we'll understand that very easily. Work or business demands often have to take priority for the sake of survival. Or maybe they had friends/relatives visiting from out of town who they don't get a chance to catch up with very often. These are rational explanations that remind us not to take it personally that we weren't that person's priority at that particular moment. This is where our ego comes into play.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_psychology

 

Think about the work that the ego has cut out for it in a situation where somebody you value is treating you as though you don't matter. On the one hand there's an Id that craves attention and thinks it's going to die if it gets ignored (a baby wailing to be fed, comforted etc). On the other hand, the critical "superego" absorbs the views of all our harshest critics and berates that instinctive, needy, appetite driven aspect of us. The ego has to manage both these difficult characters and come to some arrangement that suits all three of them.

 

So you've got the superego yelling at the ego "tell it to stop crying. No wonder we don't get the respect I deserve!!". The ego busily pacifies the screaming Id. "Mummy's here. Everything's going to be okay." Then the superego yanks the ego towards it and yells in its face "Are you listening to me? Our social standing is on the line here. I'm going to call that individual and give them a piece of my mind. Who do they think they're ignoring here? How dare they?" And the Id is yelling "yeah, yeah...do it Superego! Let me on the phone too! I've got a few things I'd like to add in. It's going to be such awesome fun. I'm going to run riot and say everything you two have been stopping me from saying for so long!"

 

A stressed out, beaten down Ego might just give up and let them have at it, even though it knows nothing good will ensue. A strong Ego will remind them "I'm the one who does the talking here. You two can have some input. It's all about teamwork here, but you know what happens when either of you try to deal with a situation directly rather than through me. It always goes badly."

 

"Yes, I think we're being disrespected here - and yes, it's hurtful, but telling somebody who's blatantly disrespecting you that they've hurt your feelings is like asking a crocodile if it would mind filing its teeth down a little before it takes a bite out of you then offering it your neck. Let's not be over-reactive here. You both have fair points to make, but neither of you are capable of making them effectively. I'm in charge, and I'm going to deal with this situation like a rational competent adult. We'll maintain our poise and class in the face of this blatant disrespect (Superego nods with some approval), but we all know that this character who disrespects us will be in touch when they want something."

 

"Let's just bide our time until we have the opportunity to tell this person that we're terribly sorry but we're far too busy to help them. Or we might even graciously attend to their needs on account of their ego being less well equipped to handle all the **** it'll get from its Id and Superego than I am."

 

That's a long winded way of saying that when you get ignored, your ego is put under strain...because it has to deal with all your instincts, internalised views about rude, unacceptable behaviour etc. So somebody telling you that you're insecure is a bit like them saying "you're not letting your ego do the talking here." It's not that they don't have the same potential to be anxious, angry, to feel disrespected etc. Pretty much all humans have that, but how well we manage it comes down to how strong our ego is.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/200809/our-egos-do-they-need-strengthening-or-shrinking

Edited March 5, 2016 by Taramere

[Tailor2000]

When somebody ignores you, it gives you a little message of "this person is disrespecting me". They might explain it as "I was busy" or "I hate texting - I was going to email you later" or "I forgot"...but essentially all of it adds up to "you were not a priority for me at that particular time."

 

It's actually not even that bad. When someone reduces it to self-worth, self-esteem or insecurity, it actually sounds to me like a major put down. Once someone gets into your head that you're insecure, well, you only have to review the forums to see peoples opinions on people being insecure and what "not answering text messages" mean.

 

It is when I say, ask if someone wants a lift, or wants to meet and a certain date and time, or someone says they'll do something for a certain period and it doesn't happen, that's the bit that sort of crosses the line for me.

 

Someone once delayed me for a whole year, kept saying "I still want to help, but can't do it yet, maybe next month"... ad infinitum.

 

But I digress. Even though it's not that bad, just reading what you put about the ego and superego and Id (whatever that is). Wow. That makes sense. Im going to look that up. Brilliant. Thank you.

[Taramere]

It is when I say, ask if someone wants a lift, or wants to meet and a certain date and time, or someone says they'll do something for a certain period and it doesn't happen, that's the bit that sort of crosses the line for me.

 

Someone once delayed me for a whole year, kept saying "I still want to help, but can't do it yet, maybe next month"... ad infinitum.

 

That sounds to me as though you're just exercising boundaries, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, of course the people you're laying a boundary in front of will often belittle you for it or attempt to manipulate you out of imposing your boundaries.

 

An ex of mine accused me of insecurity when I expressed concern about a friendship he had with a female colleague. As it turned out, he did cheat on me (and said "you put the idea in my head"). Actually, I had raised the concern because I'd thought we had a strong enough bond for me to do that safely. I hadn't been suggesting he was cheating...but I did think she was attracted to him, and had developed a sense of competitiveness on meeting me.

 

I still to this day think that in a strong and health relationship I would have been able to discuss that concern of mine openly. But it suited him to avoid a difficult subject by accusing me of insecurity. You can't stop people throwing out these accusations in a effort to blameshift or whatever else. The thing to focus on is managing your own responses when they do it. Rejecting the perception they want you to have of yourself, if you can sense that they're just trying to hurt you (or avoid responsibility for hurting you) rather than attempting to provide any constructive help.

 

I think examining the ego's job and considering methods of strengthening it is quite useful in that respect.

[Tailor2000]

Hmm. Exercising boundaries. Never thought of it like that before. But I hear that is perfectly natural in developing a friendship. That actually makes me feel a bit more normal. Are the lunatics running the asylum then? Where do I find someone like me!?

 

I've got a problem getting my needs across to someone else in a friendship. Sometimes I can convey better to some than to others. I tend not to stand my ground and capitulate because I don't want to upset anyone so just assume that I am insecure and have low self esteem and probably actually end up playing that role.

 

I think maybe if I was more confident, I don't think there's a problem with turning around to someone and say "Im still waiting on a date?". Thing is after this point, if someone can't be direct with me, I'll just say "sounds like you don't want to do it".

 

I detest the busy excuse.

 

I've been waiting on someone to let me know when we can meet. They said they'll check their diary and let me know. Three weeks later, they still haven't checked their diary. Never even mind giving me a date in the diary.

 

This is something I've had to actually tell off a couple of other friends - but because there's that closeness there, it was a little easier with them. I basically told them it's not difficult - you look through the diary, find a free date, and bingo, that's the one.

 

People with families seem to think that they're the only ones who cannot control their time and that single people are in control of all their time. I just want to tell them you ignorant sod. We have to do everything ourselves, cook, clean, shop, pay for everything - we have no one to fall back on. We have extended family members and friends that we go to birthdays and functions with too. Stop hiding behind being busy!

 

I've posted another thread. Let me know what you think.