How do I deal with an inconsistant man?

[sleeplessincnd]

So my ex is completely hot and cold. We have been broken up for about 3 weeks and are in low contact - he wants to "be friends" but I have told him time and again that I am not into that. But still we keep talking. When we talk about us he just says that he is not ready for a relationship right now b/c he has a lot of issues to deal with. Which is true and I understand but at the same time I don't think I should be waiting around for him.

 

Last night we were talking and when we were dating we were planning on going on a trip to see my parents at the end of the month. I was telling him about my plans to go on the trip anyways with a friend. He was saying how he wanted to go on a holiday but it got canceled. So out of consideration I said "well you can come with me if you want". Just to be nice and then he says "Yeah, I will see if I can get the time off work".

 

So tell me what this all means. Knowing him I think that it is an attempt to keep me close so when he is over this bout of commitment phobia he can pull me back in. This is our second breakup and both times it has been b/c he felt that "something wasn't right". But he has all these issues about being adopted and cheated on etc etc. When is he mad at other people he gets grumpy with me and our relationship suffers but when he is in a good mood he wants to talk and be sweet to me.

 

We are have been having some really nice talks and even spent the day together last Saturday. I miss him and hope that we can work it out. What would you all suggest that I do? I don't want to push him but I don't want to pull away from him. Do you think that he is wanting to get back together?

 

Thanks for advice and opinions!

[LucreziaBorgia]

How to deal with an inconsistent man? With a consistent response: when he feels 'confused' - you go to 'no contact'. Anything less, and he knows that you are the doormat that he can walk over every time he feels like going in and out of your relationship door. If you make it clear what your boundaries and dealbreakers are, and stick to them - then he will be left with a clear choice: either he is your boyfriend and benefits from the friendship from within that relationship, or he is not your boyfriend and does not get the benefits of being a friend, either.

 

As long as you allow him to do this to you, he will - because this arrangement works for him - it enables him to avoid commitment. If he wants out, he gets out knowing he can still benefit from the parts of the relationship he doesn't feel like rejecting at that particular time. He isn't concerned about whether or not its working for you. As long as it works for him, he will continue doing this - why wouldn't he? Why would he trade in a convenient revolving door 'friend/boyfriend' relationship for the committed, monogamous relationship that he doesn't want - when he sees that you are just as accommodating with what he wants: even if it is as the expense of your own happiness?