woopa Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Hi there, I have currently been in a long distance relationship for what will soon be one year. And we face at least two more years of this a head Since I began backpacking at 19 I have hit the travel bug hard and taken every opportunity I have to travel. Every summer holiday of my three years at university I have travelled and I actually met my girlfriend during a semester of study abroad in her country too. So in my life travel is now a very large passion. For the past year we have been together we skype almost every single day (with the exception of a few days a month when we are too busy). And after six months of distance she travelled to my country for a month and then I followed her to her country for a month after also. Now we must face another six months of distance together which is going to be very tough during my last university semester. However after graduation I will have a six month period free of which I am really wanting to travel a lot and make the most of this time. Now of course I will travel and visit her in this time. But I also think that this opportunity is very rare and will probably not come again so I want to travel many countries. However my girlfriend really wants a break from distance and wants me to come and stay with her for the six months and only travel when she can during her university holidays together. She is also quite angry that I would consider not spending all my time with her when we are already doing distance for six months at a time. I can see her point of view and that this would really help take the stress out of our relationship but at the same time I am scared I will regret not travelling more countries during this large gap that I have. I have also planned out my future around being able to travel. I plan to go into teaching and with my holiday breaks I plan to travel abundantly during my 20s every chance I get. However after telling my girlfriend about this, she says it is very selfish I would travel without her (as she will not have as many breaks as I will in her profession) and that she really wants us to build our travel memories together not a part. I am conflicted. Part of me knows that often I can be very independent and put strain on my girlfriend because my girlfriend is more co-dependent. Sometimes I do feel that I am very selfish and am acting too young for a relationship and I should just settle down and compromise and travel only when my girlfriend can like a more mature couple. The other part of me feels that i will never have a 6 month gap again and I should travel while I'm young, and why shouldn't I take my school holiday periods as a teacher to travel even if she can't? I need some opinions. Am I being too generation Y? Too individualistic and self centred? My girlfriend is also from a more conservative background so I can see why she would see things differently to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 You're going to have to let her go. You're too nomad-ish to have a GF and/or relationship. Unless you find a girl who is nomad-ish like you (hint: she will not be sitting at home, she will be out exploring the world too) it won't work. PS- there is nothing wrong with being a nomad, but you give up some things in exchange for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author woopa Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 The thing is my girlfriend also has goals to travel a lot too. The problem is that right now our schedules do not align at all as she is still in university (northern hemisphere) and I am about to graduate (southern hemisphere). A long with the fact that her job may not have as much time off as mine. When my girlfriend has time off we will definitely travel together that is no problem. It's the times when she doesn't that's the issue Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 YOU have a future planned, she doesn't really fit into that plan, does she? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author woopa Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Yes maybe you're right, I need to do some deep reflection on how I am acting in this relationship Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Every summer holiday of my three years at university I have travelled and I actually met my girlfriend during a semester of study abroad in her country too. So in my life travel is now a very large passion. This is the crux of it. She knows how she met you. She knows than when you start traveling again, you will meet other girls and is worrying that you won't be able to control yourself if you "get an urge." In truth, how do you see yourself handling these situations where you become attracted to someone you meet while you are traveling? Personally, I think you *should* break up with her and continue traveling the path you see for yourself. If you have all this time to travel, what is keeping you from traveling to HER and hunkering down for a few months with her instead of going elsewhere? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author woopa Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 I am not worried about "getting an urge" and falling for someone else while I'm travelling to be honest. The girl I am with now, I am already incredibly attracted to and I feel extremely committed and connected to her. I have been in a long term relationship previous to this and I also know that if I ever do lose her I will never find another one like her so it will be very sad. I could definitely travel to her and stay. I guess what is pulling me away from only staying in her country is that it is very small. It is also a well known travel hub and it's very common to use it for short trips all around the region so i would have liked to do short trips while she is at university. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 At this stage of your life, it's obvious that you prioritize travel over being with her. She is reacting to that. You two just aren't on the same page at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woopa Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Yes I see it's becoming clear now. Either I have to change or it will not work out Link to post Share on other sites
Author woopa Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 This is really insightful, I wasn't sure whether it was me or her that was being unreasonable or whether she was just being overbearing and controlling. But now I can see that it is me that has not been choosing and prioritising her. And I think I know inside, that is what a relationship needs if it is to succeed and be happy. Thank you for opening my eyes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Is travelling alone during a LDR acceptable or selfish? It sounds more like an oxymoron when put that way. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 This is really insightful, I wasn't sure whether it was me or her that was being unreasonable or whether she was just being overbearing and controlling. But now I can see that it is me that has not been choosing and prioritising her. And I think I know inside, that is what a relationship needs if it is to succeed and be happy. Thank you for opening my eyes. Well it is up to you, but if travelling is in your blood then sitting at home to please your gf is not going to work out well either. It all needs thought out carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Well it is up to you, but if travelling is in your blood then sitting at home to please your gf is not going to work out well either. It all needs thought out carefully. It's kind of unfair to speak of his gf as "sitting at home." From the OP I get the impression that BOTH of them have commitments at home; the OP just has a chunk of free time that doesn't coincide with hers - and that she would love to travel just as much as he would. It's the timing that's off. They are young. If he is more in the space to be free and travel than to sacrifice to strengthen the relationship, that is not necessarily selfish. But OP needs to be ready to acknowledge that this relationship is not his highest priority, and to be honest with her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 It's kind of unfair to speak of his gf as "sitting at home." . I was referring to the 6 months he had planned to spend travelling, BUT However my girlfriend really wants a break from distance and wants me to come and stay with her for the six months and only travel when she can during her university holidays together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woopa Posted March 6, 2016 Author Share Posted March 6, 2016 So from my understanding if I am really committed to my girlfriend long term than I must make a compromise in some of my goals to travel. At the same time I must be careful to compromise about this very thoughtfully as it would also be detrimental if it led to resentment later on in our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 So from my understanding if I am really committed to my girlfriend long term than I must make a compromise in some of my goals to travel. At the same time I must be careful to compromise about this very thoughtfully as it would also be detrimental if it led to resentment later on in our relationship. Yes that's true. But no matter how careful you are you (or she) might have resentments later. You're super young!! It's OK if you feel more like traveling the world at this stage of your life than committing to a long term relationship! The most important #1 thing is that you be true to yourself, and close behind that is that you are honest and honorable towards her. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I consider myself a traveller, having been to 3 continents and having visited dozens of countries. When I was around your age, I had planned my summer holidays abroad, but months before leaving, I met my boyfriend. He didn't ask me not to leave, he would have waited for me to be back (3 months away). But I decided not to leave and never regretted my decision. His job wouldn't allow for long vacation either (max 3 weeks at a time, but usually one or two weeks), but we were able to travel a lot over time. Because we could travel the weekends too. I guess it depends on how adventurous you want to be. Some people need to travel huge distances to feel they are travelling, while others could even go around the corner as long as they see something new and curious/valuable/interesting. I belong to this latter group of people, which is a blessing, because you never cease to be amazed without having to be on the other side of the world. And it's also useful, because you can really enjoy even in-country locations that you had never been to before, especially when you have babies or little kids. Link to post Share on other sites
anduina Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 Your girlfriend's being selfish. What does she expect you to do for six months while she's in school all day long? If you were suggesting no time with her when she's on break, then I can see the problem. But that's not what you're suggesting. Consider a compromise. A month or two with her and four months traveling on your own. If she won't meet you halfway, she's not the right person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author woopa Posted March 6, 2016 Author Share Posted March 6, 2016 I guess this is the problem. Everyone has different demands and needs in a relationship so everyone sees things differently Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 6, 2016 Share Posted March 6, 2016 I must be careful to compromise about this very thoughtfully Yes, during an LDR, if "traveling alone" is taboo, then whichever one of you is coming to visit, must be accompanied by a chaperone . Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts